u/Mental-Estimate-3047

And when you leave this world, may no more tears fall in your name… as you fade from memory, may all those you harmed find peace and light once more.

I'm going to give you the honesty that I begged for so long from you. I want you to be clear about where you stand with me:

When I fell in love with you, I fell for your sweet lighthearted character, your energy and your kindness. What I most saw was boundless passion, creativity and potential. You weren't "there yet," and you were in a predicament after life seemingly delt you a run of hard times, but you were enthusiastic about bouncing back. You had so many brilliant ideas, I got completely swept up...Being with you seemed effortless and I was so grateful I met someone enthusiastic, intelligent and inspired by life and creating things. Someone passionate about so many things and knowledgeable in so many areas and skilled.... and funny. You have the best taste in music and an open mind to new experiences. You did have a few quirks that made me uneasy, some early red-flags popped up but seemed so irrelevant given the context of your situation at the time and your potential. I was smitten. I really thought I'd found someone amazing and somehow also custom fitted to my own interests and love of creating or improving everything in life. It even seemed like our strengths and weaknesses were complementary. I loved getting lost in long imaginative talks and obsessing over guns and trucks and travel and design ideas and business ventures. I just loved being with you even if we were freezing our asses off messing with moving non-running Fords like a game of hopscotch. Or just listening to music in your truck under a full moon. I just felt, "at home" with you in my life.... I never could have guessed then that I was just another outlet for you to glean self gratification from. I wouldn't have believed anyone if they had told me what was coming just around the corner....

You flipped a full 180° on me and I was so confused I spent the next year worried you were having a mid-life crises or complete mental breakdown. I was terrified I was going to lose the love of my life to mental illness and his fears of being "unlovable." I was all in Ryan. Never doubt that for one second.... I am not someone who has been in dozens (I wonder sometimes if it's hundreds?) of toxic messed up relationships. . These last two years have been the darkest, heartbreaking and most terrifying of my entire life. I couldn't even imagine the magnitude of your infidelity or why you would do such things. I truly believed you loved me (I understand now, I was completely delusional). I truly believed you didn't really want to cause hurt or harm to anyone and were totally mystified by your own actions and unpredictability of your moods and shifts in personality. As your episodes started to take on features of psychosis I felt like leaving you was somehow unjustifiable--you were suffering. You were terrified of being left. I wouldn't leave my love because he is suffering.

I promised you I'd love you and fight for us and try to be understanding and learn how best to communicate and care for you. For a brief moment in time you seemed settled and content with this, before all hell broke lose (again).

I tried with everything I had in me to hold on to an "us" Ryan. I forgave so many times, I apologized repeatedly for my reactions to what was actually abuse, and then tried again and again, different means, different approaches, asking almost everyday how can I be better, how to communicate with you, how can I support you? What do you need? All met with sarcastic quips about the quality of my questions, and, eventually retracted silent emptiness and contempt. I was crushed by your unwillingness to even try... to reach back toward me when I had covered so much of the distance and asked the barest minimum effort to just communicate with me. You did make a consecrated effort a few brave times. I was elated and hopeful and SO grateful to you in those moments, but they were short-lived and less and less frequent as time went on. I doubled down on my efforts when things got wildly out of hand. I was terrified you would devolve into self-shaming and I know how terrible you can be to yourself. That's why I always reached out to mend things first. I held on through wild mood shifts, violence, age regression, rage episodes, gaslighting, cheating, name calling, death threats, and some of the most perverted and vile behavior I can hardly believe people would do such things to one another. I've known about you and CJ. Everything you two blamed on the "succubus" (CJ is a vindictive blather-mouth) the pornos, and all the recordings you kept taking. I know you lost control. I know you got addicted to your own brand of twisted perverted behavior. I know about the internet porn. I know how it was all used against you. How it nearly broke you and how weak you were for not standing up for yourself in your own home. I tried to help you even with this--after being utterly humiliated as a victim--but it only resulted in gaslighting and being beaten and torn apart.

I know how you tried to make Jackie your savior after all that. You were seeking a clean slate. You were so low that being lifted up by her attention was a saving grace for you in an hour of great darkness. But your slate is never clean because you never face your demons and make the choice to make things right. I'll bet she has a similar problem. Only someone truly broken and mentally ill will desire to be with someone who is broken and mentally ill. This is a truth I am trying to grapple within myself now.

Jackie is violent and unstable. She is mentally ill and has a long wrap-sheet of violence. She has been the perpetrator in DV cases and other violent incidents. She is toxic and vindictive. You know all this yet you still pursue her. You will likely both wind up in jail or dead. I know you lied to me--again--She texted me saying you've been trying to get back with her, "trying to fuck" her (which is likely why she is so angry with you) just the other day. She doesn't have much class does she?

I knew you were hiding/lying about something when you jumped down my throat in an accusatory manner in the foyer and couldn't get yourself to shake it off for another hour. You implied that I'm evil and crazy lol. That I love to get wrapped up in drama and cause chaos. Did you know that when you verbally attack others when you're spiraling and nervous, you actually project the very feelings and perspectives you have toward yourself onto them? It took me a while to figure this out, but it was a BIG lesson that turned out to be the source of understanding what was always "really" going on. You actually tell me straight up. Straight to my face. I don't need to guess or do weird things with phones or anything else. You confess all your sins and lies....and how you really feel about yourself. After all the lies you've told me I have a lot of practice deciphering the hidden truths--I can read you like a book. Probably the reason you can't stand to have me around very long. By the way, I didn't leave you Ryan, you pushed me away. That's the truth. You always pushed me away and I always held on, degrading my own self-worth by begging you to show me a hint that you actually cared. Always hoping you would level out and we could move forward. Hoping... and sometimes praying.

For a while you actually seemed to fight those splits where you'd suddenly attack me, accuse me of being or doing something horrible, tell me I'm evil etc. I could see how mortified you were, like you were watching yourself behind your own eyes but couldn't stop. I think the most effortful and kindest thing you ever did for me/us happened in some of those moments--moments when I could see you fight back against your own demons and your swelling fears. When you fought to hold a conversation even when internally you were fragmented and flying apart. I saw you then, the real you. I felt the effort. You appeared so beautiful to me. I could see an innocence in you, a light fighting back the darkness. No one has ever put that much effort into trying to protect me. I loved you the most in some of the worst moments Ryan. I watched you faced yourself under extreme duress and it was probably the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do. Ever.

But, you eventually stopped trying. Im sure it's easier to just find someone new and get what you want for a little while, before the idealization wears off that is, rather than be consistent and committed to your relationship. Those splits got worse and more and more violent and frequent. Eventually it seems you just gave into the darkness.

I really think CJ traumatized you. You haven't really been yourself since the "succubus." You seem perpetually sad to me even when you're laughing. Like a light inside you has been dimmed. I'm sorry for this--I wish you could commit to healing so you could stem the suffering feel whole again. I used to resent the fact that you slept like a baby after particularly bad or chaotic days when you and/or CJ seemed hell bent on destroying me, but I came to realize you're absolutely exhausted and wiped out from your nervous system being on fire all day/night/day.

I really thought you were going to finally come to church... I really thought you might be rounding a bend in reconnecting with yourself. "Hope springs eternal" I guess.

I've begged you to try and heal, to get support and help and I honestly never could understand for the life of me why you wouldn't. If you really loved someone why wouldn't you take the actions to protect them and to grow and become the person you want to be? Why wouldn't you quit drugs and go to therapy so you could have a relationship with your children? Why weren't any of the people you said you loved worth your effort? It never made any sense to me. It probably never will, but I don't plan on thinking much about you anymore after I send this last text.

Everything to do with Jackie changed the way that I see you. I now see a terrified being who frantically seeks attention and sexual gratification to fill his emptiness; someone who is so desperate to escape himself and the shame founded by the choices he's made, that he will risk everything--including the livelihood and safety of others--to get the dopamine hits and distraction he seeks. When someone fails to give you the love-drunk-hit you crave you have no real use for them. This temporary state of limerence only lasts you a few weeks at a time, and the comedown and detox is sheer hell, so you need a constant stockpile--a supply--to meet your demand. You're an addict and you use people.

You used me for sex. I realized this fact just this morning actually. That's really all you've been using me for a good long while. You simply see me as a potential source, a plug. But you have no plans whatsoever to be a steadfast figure in my life. When the high of cumming wears down you're checked out and already making plans lining up the next source you'll get a "hit" from. I'm in the way of fresh supply if I stay too long... You're really not in it for anyone but yourself. That's why you never bother to really make amends. That's why you let her hurt me and keep going back to her--you don't actually care about me at all and haven't for a long time.

How exhausting it must be to hear me complain and press you for clarification about your feelings towards me when all you wanted was to get tossed off a few times while you figure out how to bridge together your other suppliers for the week. You had your addictions and needed me around until you secured another source and then you just didn't need me anymore. You don't give me clear or honest answers because the truth would make me leave and never come back as supply and I wouldn't see you as someone "good". You went back to her over and over because you're hoping for that high she gave you when you first tested the drug but you're chasing the dragon at this point. It will never be the same as that first hit. I was back-up supply for the cold-turkey when she would leave you. If she hinted at making amends you'd cut your losses with me and run back for more of her. What you do to people is NOT love. It's not loving or caring or good. You're a selfish drug addict and you don't care who you hurt in order to get what you want.

At this point, I honestly don't believe you are capable of love--if you were you'd have gotten the help you need by now, at least for your children's sake.

Your inability to tell people the truth or let them go or make choices between different people is based in fear. Everything you do revolves around maintaining a false image in the eyes of others so you are actually incapable of loyalty. No one person is seen for who they really are, they are only seen for what kind of feelings or goods or favors they can give you. Everyone in your life is just temporarily occupying a holding-place, a role you need filled to feel good. You swap out people because you want the juicy hit that comes with something new. Something not weighed down by memory or history and made solely for the purpose of satisfying you and your never ending hunger to fill a void you created and that you won't deal with yourself. You lack the self-confidence to be honest with people so you lead them on, acting likable in place of owning a true "self" because having boundaries and opinions will make you less likable to some people, so you have no core and no virtues. unfortunately, the only people willing to share a life with someone like that are either parasites or other people with no real self-esteem and no virtues.

I have started to believe you never want to fully close a door with people because they might provide what you seek in the future when new supply is running dry. It's not "love" it's fear. That's the only reason you ever reach out to me--your other role fillers aren't quite cutting it anymore, someone left you and you need a reliable source, or you've been doing so many people wrong that no one else currently wants anything to do with you. So I get a meek and contentless "hi." out of the blue... and if I'm dumb enough to respond, I get gushing accolades and generic apologies to pull me in and close the deal, but as soon as you are satisfied....? It's just a transaction to you. I'm nothing special, just what's available. You're not sorry for what you've done to me, you're contrite and angry that I mess with what is to you just getting some, but I "overcharge" you by reminding you about how you've screwed me over and you can't fully enjoy yourself.

You have no intention of being forthcoming or stepping up or being someone true and virtuous. I get lip service until you're satisfied and start to crave other flavors. You don't treat me like a human being with feelings because you honestly don't even see me that way. I think you hold it against me that I don't just let things go when I'm supposed to be entertaining you. I am clearly not your drug of choice anymore. I'm too much work, you can't just get off without being firmly reminded that I am not satisfied with your casual dismissal of me and all the toxic horrible things you've done.

I believe the reason you've lost yourself is likely because you believe you can never fully disclose the truth because it IS ugly... you fear being seen or revealing what you do, and the fact that you only do it to get what you want is plainly wrong--even to you. Once you lose your grip on reality--or what is actually verifiable as true-- all will be lost.
Truth is like gravity. It keeps us grounded. Without it, everything would be chaos. Your life is chaos. It's a never ending loop of
distractions and addiction and skilled avoidance. You fill your time making bad decisions and starting new hectic nightmare relationshits.

You don't seem to understand or care that chasing your drug of choice causes the very pain you are trying to numb. That is the loop you are caught up in, like an ouroboros, the snake eating its own tail. You endlessly hunger for a quick fix to escape the immense pain you cause yourself. It's literally insane.

What I have realized is this: I am not in love with you anymore Ryan. I was once, completely. I haven't been since that day. That exact moment when you left me and went back into the house to seek out your, (at-the-time) drug of choice, leaving me battered and bleeding and later fighting for my life. My heart shattered that day and so did something in my mind. I don't believe the pieces I'm putting back together will ever hold the shape of you again.

I'm struggling hard to grow, to overcome the massive weight of the trauma you exposed me to. To figure out what was so broken within me so deeply that I would tolerate and hold fast to someone who has caused me so much harm and confusion in the first place. After all the suffering and trying to understand and accept and forgive, it is agonizing to realize you never were really worth it. You were never a provider or protector. I really did just fall for potential because you gave me next to nothing the entire time we were together except diseases and suffering. You gave me one gift I cherished, but took it back while call me horrible names and then turned around and regifted it. What was that term you used? That's projection. You know very well what you are.

I always felt like you likely gave it to her and lied to me. After all, you handed over everything I suffered for and invested in, everything you made me believe was ours, in the blink of an eye....Well, I'm exaggerating here, it was more like two or three days really. I believe she is your karma. You won't likely let her go until you've paid your debt of rebalance to the universe. In the end It's your choice--but you consistently choose self-sabotage. For my part, I need to recover from the fact that I laid myself open, degrading my own worth, for someone who I never even required they prove they were worthy. Someone who cant keep their word and who does things that are objectively bad. Someone I can't truly respect or trust.

You say you "want to be a good man." Good men take action and do the right thing even when it is hard.

Good men keep their word. They tell the truth and are honest with themselves and others.

Good men are honorable, reliable, and loyal. They don't put others at risk for their own benefit. They admit when they do wrong and find a way to make amends. They know that every difficulty in life is where character is made. They choose the righteous path with consistency.

What they gain is a self-respect that cannot be taken from them by anyone.

I truly hope you achieve this goal....It's lofty, but I think you have potential.

I'm nearly 100% certain that you will never read this. You never really cared to see things from my perspective and you don't really respect me or my lived experiences. You've never been particularly curious about who I am or where I come from. You abhor the truth and resist accountability at all costs. So, you'll never know that this the last time I will let myself hurt over you. These words and thoughts are the last time I ever revisit our story with effort or emotion or thoughtfulness. I will reserve conversations about this time of my life exclusively with my therapist in an effort to heal from the trauma.

You will never know why I loved you. Why I hated you. Or why any of this suffering even mattered. You'll never know that I pray for you all the time. I beg God to bring you peace. To hold you and comfort you and show you the path he has laid out just for you. I ask him to fill you with joy and relief and feel the comfort of his presence. I curse the demons that saturate your dwelling and cast them out in the name of Jesus.

You'll never know the crushing suffocating pain I feel in my chest that burns with anger and pain I can hardly bear because of your callous selfishness and infidelity. How you destroyed my confidence and self-worth. How my pillows are stained with tears and smears of mascara from night after night of begging God to just bring me home. How alone you made me feel so many nights--just like this one--where I felt more alone 2 inches away from you, cold and detached after you use me, use my body, use my mind and manipulate my emotions, to numb the pain you feel because you lost someone else... more alone than I have EVER felt in my life and I was an unwanted foster child.

Just lying there, knowing you don't give a damn about me. Not my feelings, not my life. I'm nothing but a cum rag to you. You'll never know how degraded I feel for falling in love with someone as self absorbed as you. For having so little self-respect that I find myself over and over seeking some sign that the pain and suffering and effort wasn't all in vain. That I meant something to you--but why should it even matter? You who have so little self respect for yourself? You who can't keep memories of our time together from mixing with so many other women. How disgusted I am with myself for letting you into my world. I have returned to memories of our first breakup many times with regret. You were fully living with me at the time, fully living off of me too. You just traded the Ford for the Evo and it was being you a lot of attention. Your personality seemed to shift and I felt a strange foreboding. Just days later you didn't come home one night. I called and called but you never answered. I was terrified you were in an accident. But of course you weren't... with nowhere else to go I suppose, I realized you were across the street. Parked in the evo but not answering me still. When I walked up to the car I caught you jerking off to porn. I'd been up all night worried and you were acting petulant. Sulking and jerking off in a bank parking lot. I yelled something at you: "I'd cross the world to make sure you felt safe and you won't even cross the street for me!?" I was completely dedicated in that moment to break it off with you permanently. I felt a strange shift. I think in another dimension somewhere, I did. I'm sure she is the better for it of the two of us. Those words have never been proven untrue. I would have crossed the world for you...But you? You showed me exactly who you really were that day and I refused to believe it. I had faith in you. I believed in you... but, I know now. I know now.