I have a dentist appointment tomorrow because my filling fell out. I haven't gotten dental work done in so long. I'm just nervous I'll be spoken down to and I have medical phobias so I'm just generally anxious about it
Lately my therapy appointments have felt like such a waste of time. I want to dig into discussions about my traumas, at least just to talk to someone who may have insight and be able to help.
but it's always "are you ready" "let's talk about this specific type of psychological study" and I get it to a degree , I do. but I'm ready. I want to talk more.
if it isn't that it's just her asking about my week and it turns into a talk therapy session about whatever bothered me or something.
and its fine every now and again. but it feels like she's putting it off by now. and when sessions are $96 /each and only an hour long I just want to feel like I am getting something from it
and I have sometimes it's just like...the past 4-5 sessions have felt worthless. I walk out like what was the point?
Back in 2023 I cut off my mom because she was remaining contact with my sexually abusive father. I told her that one of the big reasons I was cutting contact with her was because of her continued association with him.
My father was sexually abusive towards me from who knows how early up until I was nearly 18 years old. He was in prison for about 9 years and during his time in prison my mother remained in contact with him. she would call him on the phone at least once a week-- towards the beginning it was nearly every day-- but it eventually fizzled out to about once a week. When he was going to be released she said that she wasn't going to speak to him anymore and started to speak to him a little bit less over the phone maybe once or twice a month.
She didn't explicitly promise that she would stop speaking to him but she kept insisting that she would when he was released from prison. Because the dynamic was "different" upon his release.
It then changed ....to her saying that she's going to help him reestablish himself in the world because it changed so much over 10 years. then it turned into a regular weekly friendship with him. where she would talk to him on the phone all the time text him and even hang out with him in person and have dinner with him.
Once I had found out that she was inviting him over to her house to help set up a nursery for a new baby that my brother was having at the time it really Disturbed me that she felt comfortable inviting him back into the home where a lot of the abuse occurred to set up a nursery no less. So I finally cut her off once I realized just how disinterested in cutting him off she really was.
About 6 months later, my brother was arrested for distributing csem.
recently I had looked up her social media because there was a specific picture of a cat that I wanted to find... somebody had found a missing cat and I thought it might have been hers. I had found out that she follows my father on social media and regularly interacts with him as well as has been posting pictures of my siblings and I on her social media that he follows.
I don't know I don't like the concept of her sharing with him photos of us doesn't feel right.
Especially as she's posting photos of my brother who was arrested talking about missing him and wishing he was home and then my abusive father in the comment section saying the same thing.
I just don't know what to think other than at this point I think that she must be a pedophile too
I definitely won't be looking at her social media anytime soon again but it was certainly strange experience and very disappointing
To my surprise, I found a Licca-chan at Hot Topic! I knew they did a collab, but expected them to be scalped like crazy. I was pleasantly surprised to find her!
edit: guys I know they aren't literally rape. they feel like it to ME. lets chill with language policing on a vent post thanks
The last and only time i had a pap smear was when I was 9 years old due to a sexual assault case. It hurt, it felt so violating, and my sexual assault wasnt penetrative so it was my first experience with penetration. I bled everywhere and they made me watch on a camera what they were doing
Then when I was 17 there was another case, and they tried to give me a pap smear but I had a full blown panic attack in the waiting room about it and ran away from the nurse when she came to get me that they cancelled it
I'm 29 now and havent had one since I was 9. People say one should get one but I can't. Pap smears are like rape to me and I don't want it.
I can't do it. I would rather die from whatever disease I might develop than be raped.
I was sexually abused as a kid by my father from ages ~3 - 17 years old. CPS and police were involved several times, however nothing was done until an investigation for images on his computer opened up when I was 17 (nearly 18) and he was arrested for that.
I'm almost 30 now.
It's been several years since my mother admitted this to me, and I cut her off 3 years ago...but she admitted to me (while drunk) that she "had a feeling" it was happening to me, and that she'd "caught him several times" before and after the act, and KNEW it was happening.
Yet she never intervened, and in fact, defended him during CPS cases.
I still don't know what to think. Is that not illegal? She knew I was being exploited, and didn't care?? Her reasoning was because she'd been dating him for so long, she didn't want to have to deal with the change of breaking up with him.
Like what?! WHAT?!