u/MintTheMartian

We got staff that we had come to trust to supervise my grandmother while we were away. Apparently, my grandmother started to decline more while they were together. She reportedly became aggressive, and then fell out of bed and fractured two of her ribs. She also broke out in a fever, and became very sick and weak.

My mother and my uncle both came to the conclusion that because of this, she is no longer safe to live in her own house, and she would very likely not do well with staff in her home. We’re moving her into residential care. It’s her worst fear, or at least it was before she lost herself, she threatened to starve herself to death if we put her in a home. I don’t think she even knows where she is anymore. She hasn’t known for a while.

It doesn’t help that the staff apparently asked to invite in her mother and her aunt, which my uncle
approved of, but with these two strangers, went through my grandmother‘s things and cleaned stuff out (my grandmother, admittedly, has become a hoarder, but the woman kept insisting the house wasn’t safe. I protest against this, because we kept her out of the hospital for a whole eight months before she got there. She was left alone with her for three days, and she went to the hospital? And you’re telling us that the state we kept the house in wasn’t safe…)

She’s now borderline catatonic. She speaks in whispers, she constantly tries to escape her room, tries to take off her clothes. I’ve apologized to the hospital staff, I’ll do the same to the nursing home staff. I know it’s their job, but it would be her apologizing if she was still in her right mind.

Yet strangely, she remembers my mother‘s name again, which she hasn’t remembered much in the eight months that we were taking care of her in the house.
She also has asked my mother several times “are the little ones here?” She means me and my brother, her grandchildren. Before you ask, don’t worry, I’m going to visit her this weekend. My brother might not go, just because we don’t want him to have to see her without clothes on.

I apologize if it seems like I’m asking for sympathy, or if I seem like want to be coddled. I’m an adult, but the fact that she still sees me as her “little one” is breaking me.

I know many of you are dealing with far worse.
It’s just been so awful to see the woman I love turned into an empty shell over the course of less than a year. I hardly even recognize her anymore. It hurts to see her. It hurts to know I can’t help her, I can’t save her from this. It hurts to know her once amazing mind is falling apart. I sometimes wonder if we shouldn’t have taken our trip (it was a week, she was supervised the entire time), if she’d be any better if we had never left. But I also was about to collapse under the stress.

I also apologize if this seems incredibly morbid/discouraging…I’m a person of faith, and I believe there is a peaceful and happy afterlife waiting for her… I keep praying that she would be taken away painlessly soon. I don’t want her to die, I still love her endlessly, but she would not want to live like this, and it’s a pain unlike any other to see her withering and in constant misery. I feel evil for thinking in such a way.

All of us are thinking that way, and we all feel horrible about it. We all feel horrible for being relieved that we no longer have to take care of her. But there’s also relief that she is somewhere where she’ll be safe, and that she can maybe be made comfortable over time. We are all so burnt out.

We gave it our everything, my whole family did, and we still lost her.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the night with my grandmother. I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the next week, the next month, the next however long it takes for Medicaid to get off its rump and help us.

Before you say anything: I KNOW SHE CAN’T HELP IT. I KNOW SHE CAN’T BE REASONED WITH. I KNOW IT’S NOT PERSONAL, AND I KNOW IT WILL PASS. I know, I know, I KNOW. Please, PLEASE don’t tell me what I already know!!! It’s already been on repeat in my head for almost a year.

This started as “my money is missing”. It isn’t. She either had less than she convinced herself she did, or she misplaced it.

My mom, meaning well, told her this, gently.

It, combined with having to pay for some staff of her own (see below) now evolved into the following:

“Every single member of my family is conspiring against me, is eagerly waiting for me to die, and only wants my inheritance. They all hate me, they have control over my entire life, and maybe they’ll even arrange my death.”

This is freaking psychosis.

She’s saying not to trust any of them, that she’s cutting all of them off, that she won’t be speaking to them ever again. Even people like her aid, who have never done a single thing wrong by her, they all DESPISE her. The only reason I’m not lumped in with them is because I insisted (truthfully) that I knew NOTHING of this, and for some reason she believed me.

What the heck do I even do? Am I even worth anything? She’s miserable if I’m here, she’s miserable if I’m not. Only difference is she can’t try and kill herself if she decides that’s a viable solution with me here. What good does that do?

The coldest, cruelest thing is…sometimes I wish she would pass peacefully in her sleep. Because this is no life. She is miserable almost every day now. Part of it might be because of improper medication, but no one’s going to freaking help us with that until our appointment next week which we had to wait a month for.

I’m watching someone who raised me rot away into delusion and nothingness, and there’s not a freaking thing I can do to save her. I feel selfish for wanting this to end. It’s been nearly eight months of my life that I’ve spent away from my home and my family. It’s all been worthless. I feel like a complete and utter failure no matter what I try, because I CAN’T FIX THIS. I CAN’T EVEN IMPROVE IT. I CAN’T DO ANYTHING!!!

Oh by the way. Before you ask, full coverage staff is supposedly coming. I know, I know, “you’re burnt out, you need a break” that’s too freaking bad. I CAN’T take a break. It isn’t possible. They won’t process our paperwork until the stupid doctor sees her, and the soonest they could get her in was in like… a month. Health “care” my a$$. We’re dying here. All of us. And it feels like no one cares about any of us.

We got into a fight over nothing.

I still don’t know where she got the idea and why she wouldn’t let it go.

“No one ever comes to my home. Why can’t they ever come to MY home?”

Tried to explain, gently, that this is her home, though I understand it doesn’t feel that way sometimes (because sometimes she remembers, doubt that’ll last much longer). Trying my best to keep calm as she continues to ruminate on this imagined rejection as she gets more and more upset about it.

Try to change the subject, it doesn’t work.

Get accused of being “hateful” when I look at her because I’ve gone silent—I see no point in arguing if she won’t listen.

Says she doesn’t like my tone when I do speak—I explain I’m upset because I’m trying to explain to her but she isn’t listening, that I don’t understand exactly what she’s upset about now, even though I want to understand. She says “no, you don’t want to.”

I do. I really do.

We both cry and give each other the silent treatment.

The fight only ends after I decide to let myself fully break apart when she asks why I’m so angry, trying to communicate I’m not angry, I’m confused and upset, even though I know she is too, and when she says that, I say let’s just stop fighting then.

I suck at this. It’s okay, I want it to be said. I’ve been doing this for seven months, with my mom and my uncle, the healthcare system has it out for all four of us. We’re waiting on Medicaid. It feels like this will just go on until one of us is gone.

I’m in the Port Jefferson area. Came back to my house this morning to find three fledglings lying on the ground, with two already dead. One was still kicking.

I got in touch with several wildlife preserves and they’re all packed to the brim, no one would take it. I was advised to put it in a cup or bowl with a makeshift nest and put it in the branches, hoping the mother would find it.

Unfortunately I doubt it, since I was out there for half an hour and I didn’t see her. I can’t even tell what kind of bird it is.

I put it in the makeshift nest in the shade, but I had to go to my job. I doubt it’ll still be alive by the time I get home, but if it is, can anyone help me???

(Sorry for the censorship, I know that bothers some people, but I know saying the full word also upsets some people too, I’m trying to play it safe.)

But yeah. I’ve heard so many people state this like it’s canon. Meanwhile, it seems at least semi-involuntary. Yes, the person reaches a heightened state of distress and hopelessness, but abstraction also struck me as the person losing autonomy over their mind, which doesn’t seem like something they have full say in.

I especially don’t like it because people have been like >!“WOW I CAN’T BELIEVE JAX COMMITTED!!! WE JUST WATCHED A TRANS WOMAN KILL HERSELF” (I *LITERALLY* saw someone on tumblr say that). No. No, Jax didn’t. Jax serves as an example of you not being able to help someone if they don’t want to accept help. That could mean self deletion, that could just mean becoming mentally more and more unwell until a complete breakdown occurs.!< I’m just so tired of people acting like their headcanons are 100% intended in the universe of the show. Gah.

I’m sorry if this isn’t welcome here. Feel free to delete it. I’m just desperate for help.

My grandmother (84) seems to, in fact, have dementia, and not permanent hospital induced delirium like we first believed. The stupid neurologist told us they thought she should get better. Way to give us false hope, jerk.

(I know it isn’t actually their fault. I’m just beyond frustrated.)

Before anyone asks, yes, we checked for a UTI. She had one, we treated it. She didn’t improve.

Had a stroke in 2024. Fractured her hip in October of 2025. Was in a facility for a month and a half. Came out like this. She doesn’t remember she’s home, she’s convinced that her family (us) is out to get her, she doesn’t remember our names often anymore.

And now, I almost never see “her” anymore.

My mother, my uncle, and myself switch on and off for shifts. She’s been taking a sharp decline lately and I don’t know what to do. My mother is the one in charge of filing the paperwork for actual staff, and I don’t know how much longer I can handle this.

I’m here 4 nights a week. I sleep over. My grandmother has been an insomniac for over 60 years, and has been on Xanax just as long. The problem is it doesn’t work for very long. She’s more restless than ever, she’s been in severe pain lately which only upsets her more, and the only time I get a break from her is when she’s asleep.

Is there anything at all that I can do to encourage her to sleep and/or make her less restless?

She’s also absolutely terrified of being left alone. My mother will be here in an hour and a half but I have to go to work. Meaning that I *have* to leave her.

I’m on the brink myself. I’m 26 years old, and I have my own laundry list of mental health ailments. I know that I am burnt out, but I cannot stop doing this. My mom and uncle have no one else who can help. I’m just completely beside myself. I’m sorry. I feel especially guilty that 1.) I get so aggravated with her from burnout, but that doesn’t make it okay, even if she forgets about it, and 2.) misery is now her default and there’s not a freaking thing I can do to help. It doesn’t help that her only hobby for years and years has been watching tv. It’s started to blur the lines between what she watches on tv and what’s real.

I’m in college to be a therapist but this has made me severely doubt my ability to be one. I’ve debated dropping out, because of both that and how exhausted I am. That’s not even getting into the fact that I’m a disability caretaker for work.

Any advice is welcome. I’m out of ideas.