u/MiserableAnywhere459

When I see a beautiful woman, especially one that looks like how I imagine I would look like as a girl, it feels like getting kicked in the teeth. It's not even really a sexual feeling. Like I never really feel the desire to touch or grope or fuck really. I at least imagine most normal men experience sexuality that way. I experience sexuality more like just a deep, obsessive aesthetic admiration. I guess I can kind of force myself to think proper heterosexual thoughts but I have to force it, and it's not particularly natural. It's more I will be sitting and just thinking about how perfect she is. About how her appearance naturally makes me like her and perceive her differently. I focus a lot on face and hair. I think a lot about clothing too. I'm at a conference right now and my clothing experience is just "will I wear a brown, gray, or black suit today?" but even in professional settings women have so much freedom to wear vibrant colors and designs. Really it's so hard for me to explain but something within me sees womanhood and just obsesses over how glorious womanhood is. Like being a womanhood isn't just easier or being more beautiful, but it's like a completely different mode of existence that's more elevated than manhood. It's like comparing a color TV to black and white.

And when I think about even dating a woman like that. I can twist the thought around to make it seem appealing I guess. Not as much as being a woman but somewhat appealing. But I'm not what a woman I want (which is a broad range even) would want. I don't know how to be attractive to women. I have never been attractive to women. And when I try to think through whether I could ever be happy as a man I know I need to be attractive to women to even have a chance at it. But when I think about how people talk about becoming attractive as a man, it's usually developing a lot of stuff that, at best I don't really care about and at worst I actually think would involve mutilating something pure and valuable within myself. And I know that's just the autogynephilia speaking. But I like being a silly, innocent, affectionate, kind of shy person. I like not being stoic, or particularly assertive. I like being self-deprecating and open with my emotions. Even if it hurts my social positioning. I don't really value any of the traits that people push on men as virtues. It would be more accurate to say I don't see the value in being the type of man that gets valued.

Like when I compare the emotional experience of being a woman to being a man, how am I supposed to be happy with the latter? Because right now when I imagine life as a man I kind of think "Why bother?" Like I'd probably just live as a hermit because socializing has nothing for me I want. The whole point of life is to connect to others and be seen, and I cannot understand why I would want those things as a man, given the limitations on how people can actually see men.

How am I supposed to get past those feelings and appreciate being a man? Like what in being a man could possibly compete with those feelings? And if the answer is "Nothing." then is it possible to be truly happy being a man?

When I see a beautiful woman, especially one that looks like how I imagine I would look like as a girl, it feels like getting kicked in the teeth. It's not even really a sexual feeling. Like I never really feel the desire to touch or grope or fuck really. I at least imagine most normal men experience sexuality that way. I experience sexuality more like just a deep, obsessive aesthetic admiration. I guess I can kind of force myself to think proper heterosexual thoughts but I have to force it, and it's not particularly natural. It's more I will be sitting and just thinking about how perfect she is. About how her appearance naturally makes me like her and perceive her differently. I focus a lot on face and hair. I think a lot about clothing too. I'm at a conference right now and my clothing experience is just "will I wear a brown, gray, or black suit today?" but even in professional settings women have so much freedom to wear vibrant colors and designs. Really it's so hard for me to explain but something within me sees womanhood and just obsesses over how glorious womanhood is. Like being a womanhood isn't just easier or being more beautiful, but it's like a completely different mode of existence that's more elevated than manhood. It's like comparing a color TV to black and white.

And when I think about even dating a woman like that. I can twist the thought around to make it seem appealing I guess. Not as much as being a woman but somewhat appealing. But I'm not what a woman I want (which is a broad range even) would want. I don't know how to be attractive to women. I have never been attractive to women. And when I try to think through whether I could ever be happy as a man I know I need to be attractive to women to even have a chance at it. But when I think about how people talk about becoming attractive as a man, it's usually developing a lot of stuff that, at best I don't really care about and at worst I actually think would involve mutilating something pure and valuable within myself. And I know that's just the autogynephilia speaking. But I like being a silly, innocent, affectionate, kind of shy person. I like not being stoic, or particularly assertive. I like being self-deprecating and open with my emotions. Even if it hurts my social positioning. I don't really value any of the traits that people push on men as virtues. It would be more accurate to say I don't see the value in being the type of man that gets valued.

Like when I compare the emotional experience of being a woman to being a man, how am I supposed to be happy with the latter?

How am I supposed to get past those feelings and appreciate being a man? Like what in being a man could possibly compete with those feelings? And if the answer is "Nothing." then is it possible to be truly happy being a man?

i am kind of falling into a bit of a workaholic phase right now just because work seems like the only thing in my life i can actually control, or improve with effort. i am deeply unhappy with the rest of my life and nothing i ever do seems to move the needle any.

about a year and a half ago i moved around 300 miles from home for my first job after completing my masters degree. finishing graduate school was rough and my advisor was borderline abusive at times, accusing me of being a chronic liar or lazy which to some extent became a self-fulfilling prophecy. the more he passive aggressively tore me down, the less motivated i was even though i kept trying to fulfill my commitments. by the end of graduate school i was having horrible nightmares multiple times a week, by the last year of my grad school i couldn't force myself to work for more than an hour or two because it would just make me too anxious and i couldn't focus. i eventually kicked into high gear and worked nonstop for 2 months to finish my master's degree. i was completely mentally broken by the end like every part of me just said "no more" after finishing. it took almost 3 months after finishing before i even left the house. slowly i worked back up to be able to hold a job, by getting a shitty part time cleaning job, then worked for a few months in a factory, and then got an actually decent job in my field but i had to move to get it. its been good but very isolating socially.

ive always been isolated socially. i can only really blame myself because im not a very interesting or vivid person and i haven't done the work to change that. i was bullied and isolated as a kid. my grandparents were very protective, and wouldn't let me do clubs, sports, or go to other kids houses. i couldn't really do anything and i was raised by the internet to a large extent. really the only thing in my life that went well was i got good grades and people though i was a bright kid, but i always felt like a hollow person. i always only had one friend at a time, with a lot of acquaintances among the weird kids who didn't really like me and i didn't really like them but we got along because we were similar in our weirdness.

before i moved, i had two close friends. one friendship seems to have faded completely. the moment that hurt the most was when i was in the hospital last fall, scared i might have cancer, and he wouldn’t even talk to me on the phone. i stopped reaching out to see if he would contact me first, and he never did. my other close friend is married now, and his wife seems very uncomfortable with me being in his life. we still talk sometimes, but only under certain conditions, and it makes me feel ashamed that i’m willing to accept such a limited version of a friendship that used to mean a lot to me.

i’ve tried to make new connections, but it feels like nothing changes. in clubs or social settings, people seem to keep me at arm’s length. dating has been discouraging too. i rarely match with people i’m actually interested in, and even then i often get ghosted or stood up. the painful part is that connection has always mattered a lot to me, even though i’ve always felt alone. i think my biggest dream is to become someone other people genuinely value socially. even if that doesn’t happen, i’d at least like to become someone i can value while alone.

another unrelated, or maybe deeply related issue, is my sense of gender dysphoria. i know that im not a very feminine person in any sense but ive wished to be a woman since a was a child. idk to what extent it is that i really want to be a woman and to what degree it is that just every part of what i currently am feels contaminated and i yearn for a fresh start. and id be lying if i said it was purely an identity level thing. i mean, there is like a self-romanticizing aspect of it and a part of it where i envy women. but it doesn't change the fact that i think about how much i wish i was a woman, or imagine what life might be like if i were a woman, every single day.

and its getting harder to convince myself that things will ever get better. i mean i am 26 and i have limited life experiences, ability to socialize, i am more isolated than i have ever been, and i have never even had a girlfriend. when i try to imagine myself as a boyfriend, or a husband, or a father i can't even picture it. but for most people their romantic relationship is the most important relationship in their life. and i feel like i am completely unequipped in that area. when i ask myself "do you really want to be a boyfriend, with everything that entails" i can't really answer that question honestly. i can't really picture any future, even in the abstract, that i think would make me happy anymore.

so the past few months, i have been taking less and less care for myself. i no longer see any point in working out or anything like that. ive been eating worse. and ive been working way more than before, more than i should really. i let my coworkers push me into re-entering a phd program. really because thats the only thing i know to do. tryharding is the only lever i know how to press. the only areas where i have been accepted socially at all have been domains where i can supplement my character with sheer effort, or working insane hours at work. its empty, and doesn't really benefit me in any material way. but nothing else i do does either.