u/MrNeoGuy

I don't have it in me to try to connect to humans anymore.

Been rejected at birth, been rejected by people who were only meh in life, been rejected by strangers, been rejected by so called friends, been rejected by people I loved, and even been rejected by some awful people, even a sociopath rejected me....imagine that....

I don't have it in me to try to connect to people anymore, not in any way that goes beyond a friendly chat with my fellow adoptee's... Every path I have taken in life has resulted in nothing good for me. Minus a brief one month period.

It feels so damn cruel that I was the sperm that fought so hard to get to an egg, I did and only to have a life of rejection and problems....if sperm were self aware and I knew what getting into that egg meant, I would have turned around and let another sperm get in the egg, I would have just preferred being a dead sperm.

The only path I have left to take, is a full circle moment. Once I know who my biological mother is, I will try to reconnect. In hopes....one final hope....that she is glad to hear from me, and heart broken after learning everything her baby boy went through...knowing that it was a mistake to give me up. Even as I write this, I am crying.

My last hope is that my biological mother can be the home I never got to have. If she wants nothing to do with me as it has been 35 years....well...

It would be life saying to me "Look, your life was a mistake....you don't need to live anymore, you tried your best, you had a bad hand and despite fighting better then any human has ever done, the game was rigged and you were never meant to win..."

This isn't about looking for someone else to complete my life by the way, I know I am complete as I am...it's about having something NICE and COMFORTING in my life that makes living worth it...

I just don't have it in me anymore to fight against a world that just doesn't give a shit about me. Again not trying to be entitled, or say I deserve the whole world here. Just that I want one damn human with a heart to genuinely care about me....

Lost a person I would call a sort of friend today. He and I had a number of things in common, and a number of differences. We had our ups and down, and while our time in this word was only half a year, and many times we had our problems, I still tried to make things work...even when every time it only hurt me. I'm sure people would say why the f would you keep going back to someone who hurt you?

We had a special connection of sorts, not in a relationship way, just as two human beings that clicked and when we worked together, we made magic happen. Regardless, I lost him today. And I realized the main reason I kept trying to make things work so bad was cause I felt like I connected with him. And whether the person is good for me or bad for me, I will fight to not lose someone who I can actually connect with...

I literally told this guy I would take a bullet for him. And yet in the end, I was discarded again...

I really struggle to see why to keep going. Is there something so good that could come along and I would say "Okay, it was all worth it!" I can't imagine anything...and I have a pretty damn good imagination. Seems my purpose is just to endure suffering my entire life, without being capable of taking myself out, like the universe thought it would be funny to make someone who's life is all misery or most of it, and then to remove the ability to take themselves out....just so I die alone in the end anyway.

I had the love of my life, who unlocked an OCEAN of love deep in me that I had no idea was there...I lost her. I lost this guy. I'm just not sure it's worth trying to connect to a human anymore...it's like an extreme version of the dating market, it's just all risk, no reward. Or maybe 99% chance of risk, 1% chance of something good happening.

I think I'm to damaged to be able to have a life long connection with anyone, humans have proven that they don't want me. I'm not wantable. And I'm clearly not very good at handling being abandoned over and over.

To think that the day of my birth, and being given up for adoption would have such...permanent scars that I wasn't even aware of for three decades...some might say don't give up, keep fighting...but when you have nothing to fight for...when everything you ever have fought for ditches you....the only thing left to fight for is sadly, myself....to live alone and die alone and be forgotten like my life was a book in a library that fell behind a bookshelf and was lost for all time.

Now maybe there are exceptions, I don't know. But it seems like after being adopted. most of us grow up trying to please the family automatically and I don't think any of us notice this till later in life it wasn't a good healthy thing...and the "family" sure as hell didn't notice it was an unhealthy thing for the kid they adopted...

As an example, I look back at my childhood and I recall almost every time there was "family" together, a bunch of people sitting in the living room, all talking, I was always just there...quiet...never much participating. Because even as a child I felt like what was being talked about was stupid pointless junk, and I wanted to challenge their bs....(As an INTP I need mental stimulation not brain rot) yet I knew if I ever spoke up and called out the junk they said, then I would get dismissed or everyone would gang up on me and use the number game of we all think this way, you're the odd one out, so you're wrong! So I would just keep my mouth shut, I would be screaming in my head, "this is all insane!" Or "I can't wait to leave." So I would just bite my tongue to avoid causing them problems...while causing myself damage...

Another example I can think of is "family traditions" adoptive parents don't see themselves as adoptive parents, but as your parent, even if they aren't. Thanksgiving in particular, there was a tradition of before we all start eating, we have 3 peas on our plate, and we go around the table saying 3 things we are grateful for....I always thought this was lame and not genuine cause you're forcing it to be done. Whenever I tried to say I don't want to do this, I would get in trouble... They would say this is a family tradition. YEAH, YOUR FAMILY. I got brought in from the outside, have we all forgot that? (Granted nobody in the family ever wanted to tell me I was adopted, they all knew, even the members younger then me...) Point is, they are your traditions and are being forced on me and I couldn't stand my ground cause I was a child or teenager. Yet this is abuse, most might not see it as abuse, but it was. So I would have to fake my way trough participation. Saying generic garbage they all wanted to hear. "I'm grateful for family, and good health, and ......) I forget what the third thing I said was. They all ate it up, (pun not intended) None seemed to have any self awareness that I was just saying crap to get the thing to move on o it could end already.

Anyway, just another venting from me I guess lol.

I know I sound all moody, all doom and gloom and edge lord like.

I just find the more I look into the world of being an adopted and the more I learn and understand and see the things I couldn't understand before, as things click more into place, and the image becomes clearer...

It just feels like we were Fates chosen characters in a story, we were the characters to suffer so the reader of the story can feel something, and cry over our lives and trauma. (In this case the universe itself is the reader)

Maybe I'm just venting, but I do at least find sharing these thoughts and talking with you guys to be a breath of fresh air.

I find myself tearing up as I think about the possibility that I lost a possible one and only thing from the day of my birth and being given up...something from my bio parents to me...even if nobody thought much about it at the time.

Anyone else ever think about something like that? Maybe the adoptive parents wouldn't want the kid to have something from the bio parents, but even so, the thought of maybe our bio parents giving their child some small something, maybe like a teddy bear....gets me to feel immense sadness.

Expert is supposed to be skill based....but random ships crashing in to you from off screen is just BS. On Fuchina Expert, I literally beat the level without losing a wing, took down the last member of Star Wolf and in the 2 seconds from me winning to the game playing the victory cutscene, my teammate crashed into me and broke my wing....

So annoying....

I was out for a walk and thinking back to growing up and how I've never been much of a hugger, I really have to genuinely want to give someone a hug and I think only one or two people in my life I ever genuinely wanted to hug. But growing up whenever we were at family members houses or such, when the people leave, there was always this "tradition" of hugging them before they left. (might sound nice and all) But I always found it off putting...and I hated doing it. Cause hugging people for the sake of it's what we do, makes the hug not genuine...it makes it like a handshake.

Yet whenever I tried to express I don't want to hug someone goodbye, I always got hit with manipulation tactics or gaslighting. The adoptive mother was the worst. Always would get moody and ignore me for weeks or be mad at me. (Now I don't mean full on neglect as the ignoring me when I wouldn't hug her just cause, was after high school.)

To me a hug should only happen if you genuinely want to hug someone. Being hit with the whole "what don't you love me?" or something like that drove me nuts.

A bonus thing I want to add is thinking back to whenever I did get hugs, like when I broke my arm or something as a kid, looking back, I never felt anything from those hugs...it was just a okay, let go of me. I suspect this has to do with the fact that my body was like this woman isn't your mother, just a pretender. There was never going to be a way to form a real attachment to her. And there never was.

Thoughts?

I made a post like this once before I think but I thought up more funny abilities. People seemed to enjoy making their own in the comments too. Anyway a few new ones I thought of.

Perfect Body: This Pokemon takes no damage from physical attacks.

Perfect Mind: This Pokemon takes no damage from special attacks.

Perfect Spirit: This Pokemon is unaffected by all status effects and status moves.

Overcharged: When this Pokemon takes damage (the first time) all of it's stats TRIPLE. (So it's HP, Atk, Def, Sp Atk, Sp Def, and Speed stats all triple.)

Rotten: Makes all held berries get spoiled and no longer work.

Little Guy: If this Pokemon is smaller then the opponent's Pokemon, it always goes first.

Brute: If this Pokemon is taller then the opponent's Pokemon, it's physical attacks always crit.

Life Support: (Doubles Ability) As long as this Pokemon is active, your other Pokemon can't feint.

Play Dead: When the Pokemon's HP drops to 0 from being hit, at the end of the turn the Pokemon regains 1 HP.

Inspire: (Doubles Ability) When this Pokemon is sent in, all active Pokemon gain a randomly SHARPLY boosted stat. (Opponents as well, So basically a super moody for everyone lol.)

Feel free to share your thoughts or your own crazy ideas.

I'm finding myself considering reaching out my biological mother (assuming I legally am allowed to) after getting my adoption records...I wrote up a letter to share with her and as I wrote it I made myself cry. Do most people after learning about their birth parents reach out or not out of fear? I don't know what I really seek, I suppose it's a full circle moment, 35 years of a false life it would only make sense to try to go back to the beginning and find something solid, which would be the biological mother who discarded me...

The question might be slightly confusing, basically the more a person seeks to learn, the more they do learn at some point they will start to feel "better" or "smarter" or "above" others. I guess staying humble is when you don't end up egotistical, but if you fail to stop yourself from falling in that pitfall, is there a word for when that failure occurs?

I know I suffer from it. For those who don't know what the Solomon Paradox is, well in simple terms it's that you give great advice but fail to be able to take your own great advice.

As the question asks...

I didn't think the knowledge of learning I was adopted a few months ago would snowball into a more and mor intense release of uncontrollable emotions. I've been looking back and analyzing my past (not surprising as I'm an INTP personality type) and the more I look and see what's there to be seen, I realize it's mostly damaged goods...

Now I will say I was never abused physically, but mentally and emotionally I was. (Raised by a single mother who frankly shouldn't have been a parent to anyone. She might have believed she did her best, but her best was frankly just not even close to good enough.)

I feel like I'm like an alternate universe version of the Joker...I don't know my own origin, despite all the suffering and crap that life put me through, despite being alone mentally and emotionally my entire life. I still try to help others, even if I never get any help. (In fact I just get used and used and used) I haven't turned bitter on the world, but I am hollow and barely worth anything. Heck I've even tried to be friends with genuine psychopaths before in my life...

So any advice from fellow adoptee's? My story may be unimaginable to most, but if any are going to understand some level of this, it would be fellow adoptee's.

So I was born in Ontario, and I was hoping there was just a number I could call to speak to an actual person and talk to them and give them my info and they could just pull it up and mail me the damn thing. Seems as usual, humans make things harder then they need to be. I looked into the forms they want you to fill in online, but problem is, a number of the mandatory things they ask, I have no idea what the answer is, and there is no way for me to find out.

Any advice any of my fellow adoptee's have would be appreciated.

Only those who were adopted know what it's like to have that void of never growing up with a "normal" biological family. While some may eventually find their biological parents, many don't. Or they do but find they still aren't wanted. Or some never may even go their entire life without learning they were adopted.

A thought I had was, imagine if everyone who was not wanted and given up, or for whatever the reason was, ended up being adopted, all united as one big super family...imagine globally every person who was adopted forming basically a unique family with each other. Think of the unity that would bring and healing for the pain we have had from the many issues we may have had, like abandonment issues and such.

The only way to truly understand someone is to have gone through what they did. The people who had so called normal lives, growing up with their real family, will never understand what it's like to be adopted.

Maybe this is a stupid idea, idk, just thought I would share my thought.

When I mean busted, I mean some seriously F-U abilities. Like a mon that has a 4th wall breaking ability. Could call it, Stubborn and what it does is when the Pokemon would feint instead it turns around and looks at the camera, points at it and waves it's finger. The dialogue would say "(Name of Pokemon) REFUSES to go down. Some might think so....Sturdy....but no, cause this ability would have a 50% chance of working every turn. So it could in theory never go down lol.

Another ability could be something like "Yoink" which when you hit an opponents Pokemon with a physical attack you swap types with them.

Another could be "Drifter" which would have the Pokemon have a 33% chance of just switching itself out instead of using the move you used lol.

Or "Trickster" which would be like an Anti-Prankster, could do something like When an opponent uses a priority move they hurt themselves instead. Taking 1/8 of their HP.