I'm trying to keep going.
I really hope someone reads this and can give me some advice or say something about it. I'm 20 years old and I feel very lonely, even though I know my parents adore me. I have one best friend I spend a lot of time with, and I have a few other "friends," although I don't really like them. I probably have anxiety problems, but I can't afford a therapist. I get stressed very easily, I don't like being held too tightly, and I frequently think that I won't live forever and that I'll die, and that makes me panic. I panic about sleeping (not always, just sometimes) because I lose control. Last year I fantasized about hurting myself, but I've never tried it and I doubt I ever will. I study, I have everything I need, and yet I still can't seem to be happy. I'm 20 years old, and I've never dated a guy. No one tells me I'm pretty, and I don't flirt with anyone. I'm very shy. I want to stop being shy, but I'm very self-conscious. I don't talk much, and when there are new people, I just don't speak. It frustrates me a lot that I don't have the best grades at university. I'm not doing badly, but I don't have the grades I want either, and that stresses me out even more. Even though no one demands anything of me, every time I have to study for exams I have panic attacks and cry, and I only calm down with chamomile tea. I'm living on autopilot. Sometimes I disconnect, like I feel nothing, I'm just there. Other times I suddenly feel like crying and I'm desperate. Please, if anyone could tell me why all this is happening to me? Or if anyone feels the same way, it would be nice to talk.
I'm constantly worried about the future, about not being successful, about losing the people I love. I even had a breakdown once because of the whole global warming and resource scarcity issue. I still don't have a job, I live with my parents, so I can't afford to go to a psychologist. I don't want to worry them; I'm their only child, and they don't really trust psychologists anyway.