u/MylesLong777

"Have we met before ?" "No?" "Then how can you be sure I'm really me?"

An Uber.

One's a Goodyear, the other's a Greatyear!

An epileptic

A dad comes home and sees his son with an expensive cell phone. "Where did you get that ?" he asks . "I bought it" the son says. "With what? Where did you get the money?" "I earned it while hiking ". "Hiking, what are you talking about?". "Well ,every day after you leave for work, the nice man across the street comes over to see mom, gives me 20 dollars and says "take a hike "."

A priest arrives at his church early in the morning to find 4 nuns outside looking nervous and anxious. " What's wrong sisters?" "Father, we need confession right now " . They enter the church an go into the confessional. The 1st nun confesses "father, I saw a penis." The priest says " well, say 5 Hail Marys and wash your eyes with holy water ". The 2nd nun enters and says " father, I touched a penis" . The priest says "oh, then 10 Our Father's and wash your hands in holy water ". The priest hears a ruckus and opens the confessional door to see the 2 remaining nuns fighting to enter when one of them says " father you gotta take me next because I'm not washing my mouth after she puts her asshole in the holy water!

A guy's wife was in a terrible car accident and while in the emergency room a doctor says to him " I have good news and bad news. The bad news is your wife is paralyzed from the neck down so you'll have to feed her, bathe her and change her bed pan for the rest of her life. The good news is... I was just kidding..she's dead.

Two guys are working together and guy1 asks "you going to happy hour tonight?"

guy2: "I can't, my wife will kill me if I come home drunk again "

guy1: "I won't let you get drunk bro, I got your back. Plus don't be so pussywooped.you haven't come out with us for like a year and we miss ya!"

guy2: " alright, but just 1 beer"

Guy2 ends up getting shitfaced and pukes all over his shirt.

Guy2: " I'm fucked, I'm so screwed my wife is gonna..."

Guy1 " Relax! Here's what you're gonna do. Take a 20$ bill, put it in your shirt pocket and tell her some drunk stumbled into you, puked on you and look, he even gave you 20$ for a new shirt. It'll work "

Guy2 wakes with a splitting headache to see his wife at the foot of the bed holding the pukey shirt.

Wife: " did you do a little drinking last night?"

Busted husband: "honey, it's not what you think. I did go to happy hour just to see the boys but I didn't drink. Just when I was about to leave, some drunk stumbled into me and puked all over me. Look in the pocket, he even gave me 20$ for a new shirt!"

Wife reaches in the pocket and pulls out 40$.

Wife: "What's the other 20$ for"

Busted husband: " oh yeah , he shit in my pants too!"

A guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey sitting on a bar stool. "What's the deal with that monkey ?"the guy asks. "Oh, it's a special monkey " says the bartender. "What's so special about it?" the guy asks. "Watch this " says the bartender. The bartender slaps the monkey in the face, the monkey hops off the stool and gives the bartender a blow job. "That's amazing " says the guy

"You wanna try it? "asks the bartender. Guy says " yeah sure, just don't slap me in the face "

A coroner is about to teach a spoiled rich elite group of med students about the importance of autopsies.

"In this course you will see things you'll never unsee, smell things so strong it's like you've actually tasted them. So if you're

feint of heart or weak of stomach leave now. " Moments pass, Noone leaves. "The most important part of this work is Attention To Detail, I cannot emphasize this enough. For instance if you are working a murder case your Attention To Detail could set a guilty man free or cost an innocent man his life. " Attention To Detail!

He walks up to a table with a covered cadaver and pulls off the sheet to reveal an obscenely mangled body lying on its stomach.

"Now you must do Exactly as I do. Exactly. Or you will not be in this course. "

He steps to the corpse , puts his finger in the anus, then puts his finger in his mouth.

Students start gasping and mobbing toward the exit. Only 3 remain.

The 1st walks toward the corpse, hesitates, turns and leaves .

The 2nd goes to the body, nervously puts his finger in ,pulls it out and immediately runs to wash.

The 3rd, proud to be the only one left, says "is that all I have to do?" He puts 3 fingers in the anus then puts them in his mouth. Trying his best to hold his composure, he soon starts violently wretching.

The coroner says "you failed "

The student coughs "what? I just did what you said!"

The coroner says "if you had been paying ATTENTION TO DETAIL, you would have noticed I put my index in the anus and my middle in my mouth "

I have a very high tolerance for hot pepper, I've been eating these for years. I recently started taking TUDCA and even mild spicy is too much. Anyone else noticed this?

I have a very high tolerance for hot pepper, I've been eating these for years. I recently started taking TUDCA and even mild spicy is too much. Anyone else noticed this?