u/Mystic-honeyy

Hi everyone, I have a decent work experience in e-commerce field but I am unable to find ANY job at all. I haven’t learned Italian yet and while I know it is important but I can not wait too long. Please share your experience how did you guys manage to find work? TIA

I am not looking for solutions as I know there is none. I just want to scream and tell someone. Some of it might not make sense because even I feel like there are tons of things that I cant even recall to write about and I am using voice to text thingy.
I am totally done w this marriage. I have totally given up. I thought I was strong and I could, like, turn my brain off to make myself immune from, you know, the constant cheating, lying, the emotional and financial abuse and all that. But it was bearable when I was in long distance. You can, like, at least cry in peace, exist in peace. But since I moved here, everything has gotten so much worse. I, I cannot talk. I cannot talk without feeling the need to scream. I, I can't even count on fingers how many chances I gave to this cheating and lying and cruel man. He had a whole family on the side, although it was an illegitimate child, but he was and still is more involved in them than me. And I don't know why I gave this man so many chances, like so many, so many, so many chances. Never told anything at home because I, I was in a messed up situation. I just did not have a support system to go back to. And I thought that somehow moving in together, maybe he will like, you know, keep his promise and all that. It's been a few months since I moved in and things have gotten so much worse that I cannot even recognize myself.

It's like, you know, you become what you fear and I have become a fucking doormat, a person with no dignity nothing. I know I was never a very motivational person all my life. I just wanted a simple peaceful life but life has a way of fucking you over. The language barrier, no support system, no work, financial abuse. Like in Pakistan at least I was able to work.** **And I thought I would... Do something, but since I moved here, things are getting so worse. Like, I can't even... so worse. Like, oh my God, I can't..I can't, like, afford one fucking burger to eat. I have... I was always very self-dependent and all that, but I have turned into this fucking stupid woman, like, oh my God, I had stopped asking for things because I know they will not happen. And on top of that, the constant drinking and the pressure of keeping his image in front of his family, I don't know why they expect me to answer on his behalf if he's drinking, if he's coming late, if he's loud, if he's not contributing at home, if he has a fight with his sister or anyone. Somehow I will be the one responsible and I should be the one to teach him, like, Hey, you need to change, you need to pray more, you need to do more.

And the thing is that I thought I was used to, when I came here, I prepared myself that he is not perfect and he might lie again, he might cheat again. But what I did not accept was this level of humiliation. I never yell or fight because it was not my thing. Like whenever I was at home, I had to be mindful of my mom and siblings that what if they hear, like I did not want to stress them out. And now I am here with my in-laws, I have to think what if they hear and think, they are fighting and all that because I know that even if I tell them anything, they can't do anything. I will be just leaving them like gossip for my in-laws and more stress for my family. But the constant everyday nagging, belittling of my emotions and it's like pushing me to my limits. I don't yell, I don't talk loud, but even if I convey my thoughts like in a normal voice, obviously I'm a human. When I cry, he gets angry. When I, when I'm quiet, he gets angry. When I'm sitting by myself, he gets angry. And in a way that he manipulates, it to sound like my problem.

He would also cry to let me know how sorry or hurt he is but he says he cant change himself and i am the one hurting hum because i chose to focus on his negatives and not his love for me. if he is sending money to his side chick or his illegitimate, illegitimate kid and has nothing left for me. Like nothing at all. And I'm not even allowed to be sad because of that, because that hurts his ego. Because that makes him realize. And then he says you are lucky because most women get beaten daily or you don't have to do house chores except for your own self.

I was never a... Person with big dreams, I never wanted luxury, but I'm constantly belittled by him, by him reminding me that you are materialistic even if I ask for basic necessities, it's me asking for more and more. And then he would provoke me. He would ask me to say things and then anyways, I have lost all the will to live, I swear to God. I just, I know suicide is wrong, but I just, death is more peaceful at this point.

And then also, I met a person here, a very amazing human. It was not some magical connection or something, but you know some people who sound so calm and kind. And they don’t humiliate you when you are feeling emotional. I don’t want him to be with me obviously I'm not delusional. although we barely talked seven eight times, I still miss him a lot. once you get to talk to someone that nice, you miss the possible outcome of your life. Like, what if? If you had actually found someone kind instead of some uneducated alcoholic drunk, what would be your life? I grieve the feeling that i felt, i don’t know how to explain it but imagine you feeling lighter than a feather all of a sudden. I know i don’t fit into his world and i don’t want to because I knew he was nicer to me because of my circumstances but how long you can talk to someone just because you pity them. I miss that feeling of listening to him but i also hate that nausea it came with, okay you might think that is something weird but maybe some of you would relate how our heart drops and we feel dizzy because the emotions we feel are way too strong to handle. When we talk to them. When they speak. Even if it is nice. I don’t know faizy if i made a mistake by talking to you in first place or by not talking to you anymore. Both are hell. For me at least.

And now I just sit here. I don’t talk to friends or family because I don’t even have the energy. I just want to lie down, but even that feels like something I’m not allowed to do. I know suicide is haram but I pray to Allah everyday for death because nothing will make it better now and I am done with life

I am not looking for solutions as I know there is none. I just want to scream and tell someone. Some of it might not make sense because even I feel like there are tons of things that I cant even recall to write about and I am using voice to text thingy.
I am totally done w this marriage. I have totally given up. I thought I was strong and I could, like, turn my brain off to make myself immune from, you know, the constant cheating, lying, the emotional and financial abuse and all that. But it was bearable when I was in long distance. You can, like, at least cry in peace, exist in peace. But since I moved here, everything has gotten so much worse. I, I cannot talk. I cannot talk without feeling the need to scream. I, I can't even count on fingers how many chances I gave to this cheating and lying and cruel man. He had a whole family on the side, although it was an illegitimate child, but he was and still is more involved in them than me. And I don't know why I gave this man so many chances, like so many, so many, so many chances. Never told anything at home because I, I was in a messed up situation. I just did not have a support system to go back to. And I thought that somehow moving in together, maybe he will like, you know, keep his promise and all that. It's been a few months since I moved in and things have gotten so much worse that I cannot even recognize myself.

It's like, you know, you become what you fear and I have become a fucking doormat, a person with no dignity nothing. I know I was never a very motivational person all my life. I just wanted a simple peaceful life but life has a way of fucking you over. The language barrier, no support system, no work, financial abuse. Like in Pakistan at least I was able to work.** **And I thought I would... Do something, but since I moved here, things are getting so worse. Like, I can't even... so worse. Like, oh my God, I can't..I can't, like, afford one fucking burger to eat. I have... I was always very self-dependent and all that, but I have turned into this fucking stupid woman, like, oh my God, I had stopped asking for things because I know they will not happen. And on top of that, the constant drinking and the pressure of keeping his image in front of his family, I don't know why they expect me to answer on his behalf if he's drinking, if he's coming late, if he's loud, if he's not contributing at home, if he has a fight with his sister or anyone. Somehow I will be the one responsible and I should be the one to teach him, like, Hey, you need to change, you need to pray more, you need to do more.

And the thing is that I thought I was used to, when I came here, I prepared myself that he is not perfect and he might lie again, he might cheat again. But what I did not accept was this level of humiliation. I never yell or fight because it was not my thing. Like whenever I was at home, I had to be mindful of my mom and siblings that what if they hear, like I did not want to stress them out. And now I am here with my in-laws, I have to think what if they hear and think, they are fighting and all that because I know that even if I tell them anything, they can't do anything. I will be just leaving them like gossip for my in-laws and more stress for my family. But the constant everyday nagging, belittling of my emotions and it's like pushing me to my limits. I don't yell, I don't talk loud, but even if I convey my thoughts like in a normal voice, obviously I'm a human. When I cry, he gets angry. When I, when I'm quiet, he gets angry. When I'm sitting by myself, he gets angry. And in a way that he manipulates, it to sound like my problem.

He would also cry to let me know how sorry or hurt he is but he says he cant change himself and i am the one hurting hum because i chose to focus on his negatives and not his love for me. if he is sending money to his side chick or his illegitimate, illegitimate kid and has nothing left for me. Like nothing at all. And I'm not even allowed to be sad because of that, because that hurts his ego. Because that makes him realize. And then he says you are lucky because most women get beaten daily or you don't have to do house chores except for your own self.

I was never a... Person with big dreams, I never wanted luxury, but I'm constantly belittled by him, by him reminding me that you are materialistic even if I ask for basic necessities, it's me asking for more and more. And then he would provoke me. He would ask me to say things and then anyways, I have lost all the will to live, I swear to God. I just, I know suicide is wrong, but I just, death is more peaceful at this point.

And then also, I met a person here, a very amazing human. It was not some magical connection or something, but you know some people who sound so calm and kind. And they don’t humiliate you when you are feeling emotional. I don’t want him to be with me obviously I'm not delusional. although we barely talked seven eight times, I still miss him a lot. once you get to talk to someone that nice, you miss the possible outcome of your life. Like, what if? If you had actually found someone kind instead of some uneducated alcoholic drunk, what would be your life? I grieve the feeling that i felt, i don’t know how to explain it but imagine you feeling lighter than a feather all of a sudden. I know i don’t fit into his world and i don’t want to because I knew he was nicer to me because of my circumstances but how long you can talk to someone just because you pity them. I miss that feeling of listening to him but i also hate that nausea it came with, okay you might think that is something weird but maybe some of you would relate how our heart drops and we feel dizzy because the emotions we feel are way too strong to handle. When we talk to them. When they speak. Even if it is nice. I don’t know faizy if i made a mistake by talking to you in first place or by not talking to you anymore. Both are hell. For me at least.

And now I just sit here. I don’t talk to friends or family because I don’t even have the energy. I just want to lie down, but even that feels like something I’m not allowed to do. I know suicide is haram but I pray to Allah everyday for death because nothing will make it better now and I am done with life

I am not looking for solutions as I know there is none. I just want to scream and tell someone. Some of it might not make sense because even I feel like there are tons of things that I cant even recall to write about and I am using voice to text thingy.
I am totally done w this marriage. I have totally given up. I thought I was strong and I could, like, turn my brain off to make myself immune from, you know, the constant cheating, lying, the emotional and financial abuse and all that. But it was bearable when I was in long distance. You can, like, at least cry in peace, exist in peace. But since I moved here, everything has gotten so much worse. I, I cannot talk. I cannot talk without feeling the need to scream. I, I can't even count on fingers how many chances I gave to this cheating and lying and cruel man. He had a whole family on the side, although it was an illegitimate child, but he was and still is more involved in them than me. And I don't know why I gave this man so many chances, like so many, so many, so many chances. Never told anything at home because I, I was in a messed up situation. I just did not have a support system to go back to. And I thought that somehow moving in together, maybe he will like, you know, keep his promise and all that. It's been a few months since I moved in and things have gotten so much worse that I cannot even recognize myself.

It's like, you know, you become what you fear and I have become a fucking doormat, a person with no dignity nothing. I know I was never a very motivational person all my life. I just wanted a simple peaceful life but life has a way of fucking you over. The language barrier, no support system, no work, financial abuse. Like in Pakistan at least I was able to work.** **And I thought I would... Do something, but since I moved here, things are getting so worse. Like, I can't even... so worse. Like, oh my God, I can't..I can't, like, afford one fucking burger to eat. I have... I was always very self-dependent and all that, but I have turned into this fucking stupid woman, like, oh my God, I had stopped asking for things because I know they will not happen. And on top of that, the constant drinking and the pressure of keeping his image in front of his family, I don't know why they expect me to answer on his behalf if he's drinking, if he's coming late, if he's loud, if he's not contributing at home, if he has a fight with his sister or anyone. Somehow I will be the one responsible and I should be the one to teach him, like, Hey, you need to change, you need to pray more, you need to do more.

And the thing is that I thought I was used to, when I came here, I prepared myself that he is not perfect and he might lie again, he might cheat again. But what I did not accept was this level of humiliation. I never yell or fight because it was not my thing. Like whenever I was at home, I had to be mindful of my mom and siblings that what if they hear, like I did not want to stress them out. And now I am here with my in-laws, I have to think what if they hear and think, they are fighting and all that because I know that even if I tell them anything, they can't do anything. I will be just leaving them like gossip for my in-laws and more stress for my family. But the constant everyday nagging, belittling of my emotions and it's like pushing me to my limits. I don't yell, I don't talk loud, but even if I convey my thoughts like in a normal voice, obviously I'm a human. When I cry, he gets angry. When I, when I'm quiet, he gets angry. When I'm sitting by myself, he gets angry. And in a way that he manipulates, it to sound like my problem.

He would also cry to let me know how sorry or hurt he is but he says he cant change himself and i am the one hurting hum because i chose to focus on his negatives and not his love for me. if he is sending money to his side chick or his illegitimate, illegitimate kid and has nothing left for me. Like nothing at all. And I'm not even allowed to be sad because of that, because that hurts his ego. Because that makes him realize. And then he says you are lucky because most women get beaten daily or you don't have to do house chores except for your own self.

I was never a... Person with big dreams, I never wanted luxury, but I'm constantly belittled by him, by him reminding me that you are materialistic even if I ask for basic necessities, it's me asking for more and more. And then he would provoke me. He would ask me to say things and then anyways, I have lost all the will to live, I swear to God. I just, I know suicide is wrong, but I just, death is more peaceful at this point.

And then also, I met a person here, a very amazing human. It was not some magical connection or something, but you know some people who sound so calm and kind. And they don’t humiliate you when you are feeling emotional. I don’t want him to be with me obviously I'm not delusional. although we barely talked seven eight times, I still miss him a lot. once you get to talk to someone that nice, you miss the possible outcome of your life. Like, what if? If you had actually found someone kind instead of some uneducated alcoholic drunk, what would be your life? I grieve the feeling that i felt, i don’t know how to explain it but imagine you feeling lighter than a feather all of a sudden. I know i don’t fit into his world and i don’t want to because I knew he was nicer to me because of my circumstances but how long you can talk to someone just because you pity them. I miss that feeling of listening to him but i also hate that nausea it came with, okay you might think that is something weird but maybe some of you would relate how our heart drops and we feel dizzy because the emotions we feel are way too strong to handle. When we talk to them. When they speak. Even if it is nice. I don’t know faizy if i made a mistake by talking to you in first place or by not talking to you anymore. Both are hell. For me at least.

And now I just sit here. I don’t talk to friends or family because I don’t even have the energy. I just want to lie down, but even that feels like something I’m not allowed to do. I know suicide is haram but I pray to Allah everyday for death because nothing will make it better now and I am done with life