u/Naixee

I woke up basically crying out of frustration and pain today. Why? Well, because I fractured my ribs. How? Because I've been having chronic coughs. Yes, I fractured my stupid bones from COUGHING.

Where the executive dysfunction comes in here is for the fact that I still haven't gone to the doctor with this, and I know I should. Even my mom is telling me to go, but I just CAN'T. I don't know why. I'm not scared or anxious. It's like my brain is just avoiding it or not finding it important enough to do? And this has been going on for way longer than a year. I almost called my mom about it today and almost contemplated going to the ER cus it was so painful. Almost. But it feels a bit better after being awake for a few hours and after some painkillers, so I don't feel the need anymore apperantly.

But the fact that I'm coughing so much that my literal bones are breaking is starting to concern me a little now. And yet, my brain is like "nah, it'll go away by itself, trust" and usually when I have gone to the doctor for an issue, it will just resolve itself somehow or stop being as bad. So that's one reason I keep avoiding it, cus it will just go away by itself. Or worse, test results coming back normal while the issues still resides, with no further help or anything.

Another thing executive dysfunction is doing is ruin my apartment. I can't keep it neat or clean no matter how hard I try. It becomes invisible to me and I feel absolutely zero immediate need or motivation to clean up. It gives me absolutely no dopamine whatsoever keeping it clean. The only thing that will make me do it is if my landlord has to check something for whatever reason or if the mess in question is physically obstructive. Or worse, if I see bugs. Other than that? No, brain is like "idgaf, no one's gonna see it and I don't care about it either." Like are we deadass..

Unfortunately my only motivation for anything at all is instant gratification, regardless what it is. Which is honestly ruining my life. I don't know what to do or how to even tackle this. Meds don't help with this obviously. I mean sure, it might help me focus, but with executive dysfunction? No. Not even slightly. Oh and of course on top of this, I struggle with a lot of fatigue which usually makes it so I can't clean for more than idk 30 mins before having to sit/lie down because I'll almost pass out or something (also a thing I haven't gone to the doc with. Mostly cus I'm expecting a "everything looks normal" bs).

Yeah, so I'm basically just struggling to do any and all kinds of self-care and hygiene related things. Showering, brushing my teeth, eating usually, cut my hair, skin care of any kind, cleaning.. All the normal things. There's so much more honestly, but it'll take a while to list everything.

I'm just not able to start or finish anything at all. Everything is exhausting, not stimulating enough or doesn't give me instant gratification/dopamine. I'm honestly starting to feel a bit suicidal because it's like what's the point anymore. I'm just suffering regardless what I do anyway. Lowkey one of the things stopping me right now is my fear of people seeing the absolute state of my apartment.

Yeah, yeah, "go to therapy". I have, for years. It sucks and I'm not even able to open up at all. Nor have I found one that doesn't feel hostile or cold. And last time I went, they didn't even take me seriously. I was practically begging to be hospitalized because I was so suicidal at the time, and they did nothing. Had it not been for meds, then shit idk man.

Vent over. I have no one to talk to about any of this tbh.

I severely and I mean like SEVERELY struggle to explain how I feel emotionally or why I feel certain things, so this is gonna be hard to articulate. And I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit either, but I want to improve so maybe? Lmk if there's a better one.

I feel like something has changed or shifted significantly since 2021 or so, with me? Or I guess just like how I work? Like I said, I don't know how to explain it.

I kinda don't have anything I want to do. I don't feel any strong desire or drive towards one thing or another. But not in a depressed/anhedonia way either. I have hobbies and thing I'd wanna do, but it's nothing more eventful than gaming and making cosplay really.

I've noticed more and more recently that my mom keeps saying "it's been so long since I've seen you" because I guess don't visit or call as much. I just don't feel the desire to? Not that I don't want to or something. It's like my brain just don't think to do it? But I'm starting to feel bad about it honestly. And if she asks why I haven't reached out or whatever I don't know what to say because I don't know why. I just feel different in some way. Like something's changed.

And time moves extremely fast, because I'll talk to a friend and hang out, but then suddenly 2 months go by and I haven't reached out in that time because I just don't think to do it. And it's not that I don't want to hang out or talk, I just feel like I'm in a black hole where time moves weird. I was 20 and then suddenly I'm 25. And I feel like I'm gonna just suddenly wake up and be 30. It's weird. I mean, maybe I'm just getting older and that's all it is, who knows.

I don't feel depressed either. I don't even feel bored. I just feel alright I guess. I've been volunteering recently because I found it's a good excuse to do something fun since I don't have anyone to really go with. But even though I mingle fine and don't have a too hard time talking to the other volunteers, I don't make friends in the sense wherw you'd like actually become friends and hang out. But I'm not really seeking that either. I'm just fine with socialising in the moment and then go back home and enjoy being alone. Idk for all I know this could be totally normal.

I guess I just wanna figure out what's happening with me. Some might suggest therapy, but I honestly struggle a lot with that because I'm not able to take the mask off and be fully honest. Or I just struggle severely with explaining how I feel and why. I've been in therapy for years already, but that was back when I struggled with heavy depression, which I don't anymore. And frankly don't wanna use money on it and come out just as clueless I guess

Anyone else dealing with this? A bit over two years on T now and my voice pass without a doubt (albeit as a high schooler or something, but hey it passes. I'm 25..), but my face however still looks the same, just now it's covered in acne and a porn stache, and one and only one very long chin hair for some reason. I shave it all off some times because it really doesn't look good right now. And my face is sorta rounder too because I gain weight extremely easy and have been gaining since I started so fuck me I guess.

So basically I'll have to talk or say something so people don't misgender me now. It really sucks honestly. I guess I just need to let T cook a bit more? Or maybe I'm just cursed to have a girly face/baby face, who knows. I'm just glad my voice at least pass now, but it would be nice not looking like a minor.

For the guys who's been on T for like 5 years+, did your face change a lot? And I mean without having to have a beard, because I'm pretty sure that's years away for me and frankly I don't really feel like a beard guy right now. The hair everywhere else make up for it for now I'd say lmao. Is there anything I can do? Would losing weight even help?

Do you use markdown, xml tags, a mix between the two or just plain text? Not sure of there are other ways, but lmk if there is. Are some worse than others? And do some models favour one over the other?

​

I'm trying to figure out which format is best, but I can't really tell yet which one to go for

https://preview.redd.it/6tgg0fmxg70h1.png?width=1463&format=png&auto=webp&s=8f1cfccfbc19da46aefe0584240053448efbfeff

Tbf this is my first week, but I've been using it for coding with high reasoning (and i used a x2 token model) and for RP (also with x2 models) + some general stuff, and I not even close to halfway lmao. If only claude had the same limits, oh boy.

The models I've used the most have been kimi k2.6, deepseek v4 pro and glm 5.1, although I found kimi to be the best of them for some reason. I guess I just didn't test it enough when I was using PAYG

And I'm talking more specifically the more smutty RPs, cus that's the only one I do really. But it's been getting kinda boring doing the same loop over and over now.

I need some tips to either extensions, prompts, or just anything tbh, to make it more fun or to add something weird and totally different. I usually keep replies under 300 words because I'm not really into the novel type stuff, so preferably something that doesn't add that I guess.

Even just a different model would probably help too. Although, I only have 8gb vram (but 32gb ram) incase you have a local model to suggest, so can't run the best ones. Gemma 4 is probably the only one I've been able to run that isn't slow as fuck.

Other than that I have nanogpt sub, but the roleplay/uncensored models there lowkey suck or they're just never available for some reason?

So I think anything would help actually.