u/Nature_Is_Lit_Yo

I was doing pretty good last week, felt strong and no pain so i decided to float/walk/lightly swim (more like doggy paddle) in a lake last Wednesday (with my PT approval). I was in the water for maybe 2x 15mn. Nothing extreme.
I was really tired as a result (which I expected) but then my hip flexors started cramping when I was driving back home. I took a hydroxyzine (I was out of my post op ones but I also take it as a PRM) and it calmed down enough that i could go to sleep. Now I haven’t had any more of the spasms but I’ve been sleeping like crap ever since. Sleeping a lot (9-10hrs per night) but really poorly (waking up 20+ times per night).

I had the surgeon’s office refill my post op hydroxyzine because it works great as a relaxant and helps painkiller do their job better. I’ve seen no improvement in sleep.
I saw the surgeon’s PA yesterday and took Xrays, bones didn’t grow back and no evidence of tissue damage. He did some passive mobilization and based on how I described it felt, he didn’t think I hurt myself but that my hip flexors are weak and tired and inflamed from overdoing it last week. So he prescribed me a stronger NSAID to see if it helps (Ibuprofen doesn’t do squat).

I have a pretty good bedtime routine, no screens, meditation, sleepy tea, stretching, and I fall asleep really easily. My sleep set up is alone in a queen bed, and I have a variety of pillows for body support (behind my back, between my legs etc), a white noise machine, a fan. I have pets but they haven’t behaved any differently this past week that it would impact my sleep so much.

Any advice when it comes to sleeping better through a flare up? It’s starting to make me cranky and I feel like my body and brain aren’t properly resting.

Edit to add: PT said I over exerted and to take rest days between days I do PT but now I do squatted side walks with a band, so I’m def stronger and able to handle walking in water. I do not have pain on a daily basis (unless I stay in the same position for too long).

I am now 6 weeks out of bilateral surgery on CAM FAI and labral repair (1 anchor on each side). Awaiting my X Ray next week to see if the bone spurs regrew.

I have been off crutches for a bit now. I had a bump in the road when I tripped and caught myself on my right leg. It’s always been my “bad” leg (although the surgery showed the labrum was more damaged on the left).

Currently using a cane as emotional support and social signifier to not bump into me. Or when I get tired, when my knee wants to buckle under me.

I am averaging 3k steps per day this past week, compared to less than 1k since surgery and 8-10k avg pre-op.
I have some fatigue and aches but barely any pain. I consider myself athletic (calisthenics and dance) and started gently moving this past weekend (dancing within my restricted ROM and with support).
Driving is fine. Sitting is fine. Standing can hurt my low back after some time.

My right hip is still a bit stiffer, especially during tummy time or marches. But I feel strong and stable. My glute rahab is going well. It took a minute to reconnect my brain to my muscles but it is true that it eventually works again. Same with core.

I’m itching to resume sports but I am being patient and reasonable because I don’t want to ruin my progress. I’ve been religious with my PT and I continue to ice my joints after exercising.

I’ve been cleared to go into water and will give my PT exercises a try while in a pool (gentle resistance), and I can’t wait to float to help my back. I’m planning to
cover my incisions with saniderm to protect from water germs.

I started using silicone tape last night and the results are already very promising. I need to get more serious about massaging the scar tissue because it sometimes feels like my skin underlayer is “catching”.

So far so good! Curious about how this will feel after I resume sports.

hello! looking for constructive feedback for a situation where I hurt my friends on what seems to be a misunderstanding (and owned up to it and apologized but not yet repaired) and where I feel like my non-monogamy was used against me. Bear with me this is long winded with lots of context.

I want to preface by saying I am neurodivergent (as are a lot of people in this community) so I am hoping it can explain my chronic social clumsiness/obliviousness and internal/interpersonal struggles. In short I’m good at making new friends bc im very personable but I lack many tools for interpersonal effectiveness and that has caused me to lose many relationships.

Background and why this is relevant to this sub:
I had been with my NP (Maple 33M) since 2018 (married). In 2023 we decided to explore ethical non-monogamy on my suggestion as I felt some of our needs weren’t being met by the other and we were having unfair expectations of being each other’s sole source of intimacy/comfort/support, on top of questioning sexuality and wanting to explore new dynamics. We learned a lot along the way and it was not easy. I am grateful for the experience and what it taught me. We have been in ENM-friendly couple counseling since 2023 as well to feel supported in this endeavor.

In November of last year I took a trip to my home country and came back rather traumatized by some family lore of CSA. Maple told me that ever since I came back from my trip some of my behaviors made him feel unsafe (mainly dissociation during arguments because of trauma and saying mean stuff and not being able to stop myself from it). I addressed his concerns it by saying we could consider separating and collaborating to figure out a different living situation for a bit while I addressed my mental health and he wouldnt need to be around while I work on it and feel unsafe in our relationship. He brushed it off, saying we had more pressing things to address (in the middle of a huge construction job in our shared house). I worked extra hard to not let my mental struggles ruin everything and doubled down on gratitude and positivity to get us to finish the excruciating construction. Then in January I got traumatized again and it was very difficult to keep it together. I had many mental breakdowns and started smoking more weed to cope, which made me paranoid and one night sent me in a paranoia spiral where I was asking Maple if he was on my side and no matter what he said I just could not be convinced and shared with him my fears that he was “the enemy”. The monday after, in counseling, he announced he was leaving because he felt unsafe.
This was very painful and difficult but I took care of myself, got sober, got a formal PTSD diagnosis and started an IOP. Being without a NP but still dating someone casually and having more mental energy for friendships I decided to lean into relationship anarchy, spending equal time working on myself, my existing romantic relationships, and existing platonic relationships.

During this time I started to lean on my shared-interest community. I have made a number of connections the past 2 years and decided to swallow my pride and reach for help. This is where my friend Lilac (35F) and her partner Nettle (36M) started to be a bigger part of my life. They welcomed me in their house for a week while Maple was staying at our house, Nettle opened up about his own struggles with PTSD and gave me very good advice and suggestions. I am very grateful for both of them and the way my friendship with Lilac developed into something deep and soothing. It gave me the grounding necessary to do the work to take care of my mental health and have constructive conversations with Maple on what our relationship now looks like.

Since February I’ve been spending a majority of my Saturday afternoons and Tuesday evenings hanging out at Lilac & Nettle’s. They are monogamous and dealing with their own couple’s issues that I sometimes witnessed and provided support for. Overall I spend a lot more time with Lilac, at our respective houses, or running errands, doing our hobby together, going out to see shows, we even took a hobby-related trip in June.

Fast forward to the present:

I still live alone and Maple moved out but we have started dating again in May, seeing each other maybe once or twice a week at most. We still haven’t decided what will become of our marriage as a contract but talking about it.

Lilac recently sent me some instagram reel about soul mates (platonically) and how good it feels to meet someone you click with and feel like you’ve known each other forever. I was touched and shared I felt this too and happy about how much our friendship had developed over the last 6 months.

Last wednesday I was in a very bad place mentally so when Lilac called me (she randomly calls during her morning chores for body doubling) I told her I wasn’t feeling too good about the state of the world and the conversation went back to the soulmates thing again. At this point I told her that when I’m down I like to imagine hypothetical situations that are better than the now. I jokingly said if Maple and I officially divorce the marriage is up for grabs is she needs to flee this country. We were talking about places to live but to me that wasn’t serious, I even mentioned it and also told her she needs to keep me in check about my savior complex. And then seriously told her that I’d marry her platonically if she was in danger and needed to flee the country, and said she’s got first dibs. At this point I didnt think much of this conversation bc we always joke about moving to canada to start a self sufficient commune that will inevitably turn into a cult (again, to cope with the horrors).

The next day she calls me and told me she felt like this conversation was out of pocket and that I created much harm by making her feel like she betrayed her relationship with Nettle. She talked to Nettle about what I said and he took it really bad, cried and felt betrayed by his friend (he’s also pretty down right now due to bad medical news he got). I felt really bad about the situation, apologized to Lilac about hurting both of them with my words and that I will not make joke survival plans anymore, especially if that means someone feels excluded. She said what I said was not cool, that I should know better because they aren’t non-monogamous and it’s not going to change and that the idea of getting married to me, even as a just a platonic fantasy, felt like I was going to steal her from him. I asked her if he’d be open to chat so I could engage in repair with him and to let me know what he’d prefer. I also asked her what she needed and she said she hopes I still wanna be friends. I said of course (and then a couple days later it clicked - did she say that because she thought she was rejecting me romantically?).

This weekend I was uninvited from Saturday afternoons - I asked if Nettle was fine with me coming over, Lilac said he needed more time. I expressed feeling hurt to be “cancelled”, she said community still exists and that Nettle needs time but I’m still a part of the group and I am loved. I thanked her. Later that day, when nobody else showed up, Lilac messaged me that Nettle was fine “smashing the beef” (whatever that means?) and I could come over if i wanted to. I thanked her for reaching out to connect but that I wasnt coming because I was working on feeling safe even when alone in a bad mental health week, and learning not to outsource my sense of safety especially if that means someone else feels unsafe. I asked if I could come Tuesday still and maybe address the beef then. She said her and Nettle were ok with that.

This morning I was told by Lilac not to come today because Nettle & Lilac are trying to rebuild the trust lost between them and that her and I need to take some space. She reiterated I am still part of the crew.

I said ok and to take their time.

But I am incredibly hurt and I’m not sure I can articulate why. I have a nagging feeling my non monogamy was used against me. I talked to Maple about it and he said making that joke to marry a friend to take them to another country is very on brand for me bc I was doing it even before we separated (because he doesn’t want to leave the country) and he does not understand why I am being pushed away. But he’s not friends with Lilac & Nettle so he doesn’t have the full picture.

Where did I fuck up here? Is this just a solution of sitting with my shame and guilt and let Nettle & Lilac figure their shit out? Was my mistake to project relationship anarchy onto others and expect the same amount of consideration as someone’s partner? I suffer greatly from the temporary loss of one of my most solid friends. I lean on other friends, on therapy, and on Maple too but my abandonment trauma is making me spiral about this situation because im in a bad place mentally and have been relying on my friends a lot this past month (had surgery and could not walk or engage in my usual hobbies that are my coping mechanisms) and I greatly suffer from this bump on the road with Lilac.

Please be gentle but not coddling. I am bad at relationships but I want to get better.

hello! looking for constructive feedback for a situation where I hurt my friends on what seems to be a misunderstanding (and owned up to it and apologized but not yet repaired) and where I feel like my non-monogamy was used against me. Bear with me this is long winded with lots of context.

I want to preface by saying I am neurodivergent (as are a lot of people in this community) so I am hoping it can explain my chronic social clumsiness/obliviousness and internal/interpersonal struggles. In short I’m good at making new friends bc im very personable but I lack many tools for interpersonal effectiveness and that has caused me to lose many relationships.

Background and why this is relevant to this sub:
I had been with my NP (Maple 33M) since 2018 (married). In 2023 we decided to explore ethical non-monogamy on my suggestion as I felt some of our needs weren’t being met by the other and we were having unfair expectations of being each other’s sole source of intimacy/comfort/support, on top of questioning sexuality and wanting to explore new dynamics. We learned a lot along the way and it was not easy. I am grateful for the experience and what it taught me. We have been in ENM-friendly couple counseling since 2023 as well to feel supported in this endeavor.

In November of last year I took a trip to my home country and came back rather traumatized by some family lore of CSA. Maple told me that ever since I came back from my trip some of my behaviors made him feel unsafe (mainly dissociation during arguments because of trauma and saying mean stuff and not being able to stop myself from it). I addressed his concerns it by saying we could consider separating and collaborating to figure out a different living situation for a bit while I addressed my mental health and he wouldnt need to be around while I work on it and feel unsafe in our relationship. He brushed it off, saying we had more pressing things to address (in the middle of a huge construction job in our shared house). I worked extra hard to not let my mental struggles ruin everything and doubled down on gratitude and positivity to get us to finish the excruciating construction. Then in January I got traumatized again and it was very difficult to keep it together. I had many mental breakdowns and started smoking more weed to cope, which made me paranoid and one night sent me in a paranoia spiral where I was asking Maple if he was on my side and no matter what he said I just could not be convinced and shared with him my fears that he was “the enemy”. The monday after, in counseling, he announced he was leaving because he felt unsafe.
This was very painful and difficult but I took care of myself, got sober, got a formal PTSD diagnosis and started an IOP. Being without a NP but still dating someone casually and having more mental energy for friendships I decided to lean into relationship anarchy, spending equal time working on myself, my existing romantic relationships, and existing platonic relationships.

During this time I started to lean on my shared-interest community. I have made a number of connections the past 2 years and decided to swallow my pride and reach for help. This is where my friend Lilac (35F) and her partner Nettle (36M) started to be a bigger part of my life. They welcomed me in their house for a week while Maple was staying at our house, Nettle opened up about his own struggles with PTSD and gave me very good advice and suggestions. I am very grateful for both of them and the way my friendship with Lilac developed into something deep and soothing. It gave me the grounding necessary to do the work to take care of my mental health and have constructive conversations with Maple on what our relationship now looks like.

Since February I’ve been spending a majority of my Saturday afternoons and Tuesday evenings hanging out at Lilac & Nettle’s. They are monogamous and dealing with their own couple’s issues that I sometimes witnessed and provided support for. Overall I spend a lot more time with Lilac, at our respective houses, or running errands, doing our hobby together, going out to see shows, we even took a hobby-related trip in June.

Fast forward to the present:

I still live alone and Maple moved out but we have started dating again in May, seeing each other maybe once or twice a week at most. We still haven’t decided what will become of our marriage as a contract but talking about it.

Lilac recently sent me some instagram reel about soul mates (platonically) and how good it feels to meet someone you click with and feel like you’ve known each other forever. I was touched and shared I felt this too and happy about how much our friendship had developed over the last 6 months.

Last wednesday I was in a very bad place mentally so when Lilac called me (she randomly calls during her morning chores for body doubling) I told her I wasn’t feeling too good about the state of the world and the conversation went back to the soulmates thing again. At this point I told her that when I’m down I like to imagine hypothetical situations that are better than the now. I jokingly said if Maple and I officially divorce the marriage is up for grabs is she needs to flee this country. We were talking about places to live but to me that wasn’t serious, I even mentioned it and also told her she needs to keep me in check about my savior complex. And then seriously told her that I’d marry her platonically if she was in danger and needed to flee the country, and said she’s got first dibs. At this point I didnt think much of this conversation bc we always joke about moving to canada to start a self sufficient commune that will inevitably turn into a cult (again, to cope with the horrors).

The next day she calls me and told me she felt like this conversation was out of pocket and that I created much harm by making her feel like she betrayed her relationship with Nettle. She talked to Nettle about what I said and he took it really bad, cried and felt betrayed by his friend (he’s also pretty down right now due to bad medical news he got). I felt really bad about the situation, apologized to Lilac about hurting both of them with my words and that I will not make joke survival plans anymore, especially if that means someone feels excluded. She said what I said was not cool, that I should know better because they aren’t non-monogamous and it’s not going to change and that the idea of getting married to me, even as a just a platonic fantasy, felt like I was going to steal her from him. I asked her if he’d be open to chat so I could engage in repair with him and to let me know what he’d prefer. I also asked her what she needed and she said she hopes I still wanna be friends. I said of course (and then a couple days later it clicked - did she say that because she thought she was rejecting me romantically?).

This weekend I was uninvited from Saturday afternoons - I asked if Nettle was fine with me coming over, Lilac said he needed more time. I expressed feeling hurt to be “cancelled”, she said community still exists and that Nettle needs time but I’m still a part of the group and I am loved. I thanked her. Later that day, when nobody else showed up, Lilac messaged me that Nettle was fine “smashing the beef” (whatever that means?) and I could come over if i wanted to. I thanked her for reaching out to connect but that I wasnt coming because I was working on feeling safe even when alone in a bad mental health week, and learning not to outsource my sense of safety especially if that means someone else feels unsafe. I asked if I could come Tuesday still and maybe address the beef then. She said her and Nettle were ok with that.

This morning I was told by Lilac not to come today because Nettle & Lilac are trying to rebuild the trust lost between them and that her and I need to take some space. She reiterated I am still part of the crew.

I said ok and to take their time.

But I am incredibly hurt and I’m not sure I can articulate why. I have a nagging feeling my non monogamy was used against me. I talked to Maple about it and he said making that joke to marry a friend to take them to another country is very on brand for me bc I was doing it even before we separated (because he doesn’t want to leave the country) and he does not understand why I am being pushed away. But he’s not friends with Lilac & Nettle so he doesn’t have the full picture.

Where did I fuck up here? Is this just a solution of sitting with my shame and guilt and let Nettle & Lilac figure their shit out? Was my mistake to project relationship anarchy onto others and expect the same amount of consideration as someone’s partner? I suffer greatly from the temporary loss of one of my most solid friends. I lean on other friends, on therapy, and on Maple too but my abandonment trauma is making me spiral about this situation because im in a bad place mentally and have been relying on my friends a lot this past month (had surgery and could not walk or engage in my usual hobbies that are my coping mechanisms) and I greatly suffer from this bump on the road with Lilac.

Please be gentle but not coddling. I am bad at relationships but I want to get better.

20 days post op from bilateral cam fai and labral repair, I tripped and caught myself on my “bad” leg (right) and now im having pain in the groin. 5/10 the day after then on and off 3-6/10 two days after. Today (3 days after) i feel very stiff and is a constant 6 (but I also started my period so it definitely influences it). I’ve been icing, taking ibuprofen and overall trying to take it easy but I started driving again and my right leg is doing all the work.

I will see my PT on Friday. Is it worth calling the surgeon’s office? They wanted me to be careful about was falling/tripping and not bending past 120° and not submerging my incisions still.

I did a quick search before asking this question and I cannot find a satisfactory answer anywhere. I am writing a research paper in the notes and bibliography system of Chicago Manual of Style. At first I was putting the author, date as footnotes but it quickly started to take half of a given page. My teacher told me to use Endnotes instead but I am confused as to how to use endnotes. She refuses to answer my question and keeps redirecting me to the CMOS website which is still unclear. I have used APA and MLA before, CMOS feels needlessly complicated. Here are my questions:

1. ⁠Where do I put the endnotes? At the end of each section? Or at the very end of the document?

2. ⁠Do I write the author, date, page (shortened notes) in the endnotes or the full bibliography?

3. ⁠As I understand, the works cited will be the bibliography at the end, before any appendix, in alphabetical order rather than order of citation. Is that correct?

Thanks in advance.

Just wanted to share my experience with bilateral arthroscopic operation as I understand this surgery is usually done on one side at a time. I received a bilateral femoroplasty to correct CAM type FAI and labral repair (did not need reconstruction after all). 33F, good physical condition and overall upper body strength (calisthenics). Slew of other chronic conditions which made me pretty resilient to pain so my baseline may not be your baseline.

Day of procedure, my pain was 6-7/10 leaving the clinic. Really tired but ate good and took my meds. No brace, only dressings. Was sent home with a pair of crutches and a good luck from the nurse, had to climb 5 steps to get home. Was instructed to bear weight as tolerated. Started using a walker at home. Started ice machine and passive mobilizations right away. I likely received surface nerve block because I could not feel my skin on my thighs.
Rough night due to my hyper mobility and sleeping on my back. Surrounded myself with pillows for support.

Day two was manageable. Lots of naps. Legs really asleep, left leg buckling under my weight, right leg mostly offline and dragging. Pain at a 4/10, overall dull and mainly around the incision sites and when moving my legs to get them elevated.

Day 3 was the worst. Constipation was becoming painful and I sent my body into shock trying to take a shower (no help) after taking off my dressings. Pain was a 7/10 because I threw up my bedtime opiate.

Day 4 was looking up but my stomach was starting to be upset from all the meds. Took it easy and napped a lot. Overall pretty mobile, sitting/standing started to get easier. Able to start sleeping on my side with a pillow between my knees, and get on my belly to gently decompress the front muscles and relieve my lower back.

Day 5 started PT. Humbling. First day out of the house since surgery and really tiring. My right leg (the bad leg) at first did not respond to my brain’s command to move. Was given isometrics meant to awaken my muscles (quads, glutes, ankles), it became easier with each new set. Decided to stop opiates at this point (was taking them before bed). Started having heartburn and canker sores from the meds.

Day 6 managed to shower (with help) without pain or sending my body into shock. First day without someone helping me for the whole day or spending the night. More naps, started spacing the times I took meds in hopes to make my heartburn more manageable. PT exercises going well, except for the standing glutes isometrics giving me a pinching sensation in the groin so went back to the laying down version of that exercise.

Day 7 made it out of the house - was picked up by a friend to go watch a movie. All good, albeit really slow moving with crutches. No naps that day, decent night of sleep.

Day 8 (today) - the worst part is the heartburn and canker sores. Had a friend drop off some Orajel, Tums, and Aloe drinks and started a course of omeprazole. It’s almost 8pm and I have not needed pain meds since 11am but will take some before bed. Continuing the ice machine (no compression), gaining independence. I am able to bend over without pain but still trying to avoid it and using my trusted grabber.

Things that helped: people delivering meals, ice machine, a walker with a tray (!!), a grabber, body and wedge pillows, a strap to lift my legs, a thingy to put on socks, senokot and magnesium citrate, a puke bucket on hand, not wearing bottoms (commando under dresses or long t-shirts), having upper body strength.

Things that did not help: toilet seat raiser (unstable, used a “go-girl” instead to pee standing up), a shower stool (not useful with my bathroom configuration), starting omeprazole and senokot too late.

My post-op is in 7 days. I am able to stand without help and no pain (for example brushing my teeth at the sink), and shuffle around. I feel pretty stable but my bad hip definitely pinches more than the left. I use my walker more for stability than anything but Im definitely not walking normally yet, shuffling around for now.

I hope the worst is behind me but I am also worried it could take a bad turn since Im not able to keep up with the aspirin regimen (I can only take it once a day, my stomach hurts too much) but I move around pretty good and often (maybe I shouldn’t). The surgeon seemed optimistic after the operation and told me I’d do just fine.

I’m probably glossing over many details. Ask away!