u/Necessary-Orange6250

Does anyone else ever just randomly reach a "redo phase", where certain old people just have to go. And you don't even feel bad about it, you just wake up one day and decide that we no longer want this person in your life anymore.

This has happened to me so many times and honestly I never felt guilty about it until recently when I realized my pattern. It always happens to me when my best friends, I just randomly want a new best friend and I cut that person off with no cause and no warning.

Maybe it's a boundary thing you have dealt with so many things that I shouldn't have had to from that person, but only at certain points, I think I explode internally and just make the decision to move on. The weirdest thing is that I never look back and I don't think it ever affects me until months later

Now that I'm learning what behaviors I like and don't like in people, I'm pissed off by every small thing others do that I used to tolerate but now I freaking hate it. Me setting boundaries is looking like deleting phone numbers, cutting calls, cancelling plans and sticking to what I WANT and what I DESERVE. I'm tired of people not reciprocating. I'm tired of people who's lacking. At some point I have to stop complaining about why people keep treating me a certain way and ask myself why I'm settling for so low.

I'm realizing I have a choice now. I don't have to be the kind person. I'm not interested in pleasing people anymore. I deserved better and I'm so angry that this is what I've been putting up with. It's my turn to put me first.

I'm ashamed to admit this and honestly I've never told anyone. I manipulate people, like in really bad toxic ways and I don't know how to stop.

I've had BPD for quite a while now. If it were up to me I would say that my symptoms were quite prevalent in childhood, but apparently it only shows up in early adulthood but idk. I mainly struggle with the fear of abandonment. I've been doing healing and therapy for years but I've never brought this up. Here it goes.

I use emotional baggage or talk of self harm or even just slightly suggesting that I'm suicidal when I'm not, to get reassurance from my partner so he won't leave me and so I feel safe. What's scary is I embody this imaginary pain so we'll, I use their own empathy to keep them with me so I don't feel abandoned.

I've done it with 3 partners... The first one left me, rightfully so. I was the most toxic person ever. The second one told me it was too much for him to handle and that's when I realized it was a pattern, so I stopped. The third one was messier, he also has BPD. I broke up with him but at the end I still felt rejected and did it again and now I think his view of me changed to being needy and clingy and too much. I get it though, I am those things.

I feel ashamed that I manipulate them and it's a pattern of mine. I'm trying to figure out ways I can stop but BPD is so deep, sometimes I feel like I'm not even in control. And the thing is, in normal average daily life, I'm such a cool fun person. But in romantic relationships, I'm like evil and messy even though I don't mean to be. I'm destructive and insecure. I want to change that but I don't know how.

Someone please help me change. Please help me be better. I'm desperate for healing. I'm desperate to stop this ugly and cruel behavior. Please help me. What can I do realistically?

I'm ashamed to admit this and honestly I've never told anyone. I manipulate people, like in really bad toxic ways and I don't know how to stop.

I've had BPD for quite a while now. If it were up to me I would say that my symptoms were quite prevalent in childhood, but apparently it only shows up in early adulthood but idk. I mainly struggle with the fear of abandonment. I've been doing healing and therapy for years but I've never brought this up. Here it goes.

I use emotional baggage or talk of self h*rm or even just slightly suggesting that I'm suicidal when I'm not, to get reassurance from my partner so he won't leave me and so I feel safe. What's scary is I embody this imaginary pain so we'll, I use their own empathy to keep them with me so I don't feel abandoned.

I've done it with 3 partners... The first one left me, rightfully so. I was the most toxic person ever. The second one told me it was too much for him to handle and that's when I realized it was a pattern, so I stopped. The third one was messier, he also has BPD. I broke up with him but at the end I still felt rejected and did it again and now I think his view of me changed to being needy and clingy and too much. I get it though, I am those things.

I feel ashamed that I manipulate them and it's a pattern of mine. I'm trying to figure out ways I can stop but BPD is so deep, sometimes I feel like I'm not even in control. And the thing is, in normal average daily life, I'm such a cool fun person. But in romantic relationships, I'm like evil and messy even though I don't mean to be. I'm destructive and insecure. I want to change that but I don't know how.

Someone please help me change. Please help me be better. I'm desperate for healing. I'm desperate to stop this ugly and cruel behavior. Please help me. What can I do realistically?