u/Needmorestories_84

Last spring I got accepted into my dream masters program. It might sound silly but it’s something that I want to study so much that I’d rather study it and not be able to find a job, forcing myself to go back to school for something else, rather than not study it at all.

Some important context is I have ADHD which made me struggle in undergrad, but I didn’t know I had it until recently so I’m still in the beginning of treatment. I don’t want to just coast by like I did in undergrad because this degree means so much to me. I don’t want to defer since I’ve already waited a year to get accepted (too anxious to apply the first time around since my parents didn’t support it), but I also don’t want to fail/struggle. I’ve already spent so long writing this post alone b/c I keep compulsively going back to reread what I wrote (OCD), not a good thing when you have so much to read for grad school 🫩. The reason my parents aren’t supportive is because the schools an hour away so I’d have to commute, which is a big no no culturally as a girl. They’d rather I choose something different to study nearby. I technically only have classes three days a week (all evening), but if I get the grad assistantship I applied for, I’d likely have to be there way more often (think potentially 5-6). Each drive would be about 2-4 hours round trip depending on weather and traffic, so definitely burn out inducing, even if I really do only go 3-4 days. This is not even to mention that I don’t have a car and I haven’t been able to find a job to support leasing one (the actual payment, gas, high mileage fees which based on my research will add a few thousand on top of all that, etc.). If I manage to find a job, then it’ll either be barely enough to afford all that, or not enough at all (which would make my parents more disappointed in me b/c it’ll lower their credit and I’ll have student loans that I took out for nothing, assuming I go). Plus, growing up in a protective household where I wasn’t allowed to even drive 10 minutes downtown, I have this instilled fear of even driving so far, so often, in that direction. I’m already someone who’s stressed 24/7, but the current focus of my stress is just very overwhelming, considering school is about 4 weeks away.

The more I think about it, it just seems like I’m not ready due to financial and mental health reasons, so deferring seems like the best option (if the school lets me since I’ve already accepted and registered for classes). But the idea of waiting another year after waiting one year to apply is so distressing. It feels like my life’s been on hold since undergrad ya know? And it’s embarrassing since I was so excited about the acceptance and told everyone about my school plans, so not showing up seems really disappointing, especially after bothering professors so much with a ton of wordy excessive emails about funding, scheduling, etc. There’s a professor there who was hyping me up and expressed their excitement for having me as a student so not showing up after telling them that I was excited to see them is just embarrassing and I feel like I’m disappointing them. I also can’t help but think how at this point I’ll be in my late 20s by the time I finish and as someone who was given the whole, go to school, get a job then get married talk, I hate this internalized misogyny I have of knowing I’ll have to be “older” (I realistically know 30s isn’t old but internally I feel differently) by the time I get married, especially when I put too much value into my current appearance as someone who grew up insecure. It sucks knowing one of my stressors is this idea that an imaginary future husband won’t get to appreciate my current beauty (blegh) and I won’t get to experience romance and intimacy in my youth (low-key makes me resent being born Muslim).

When I think about the option of deferring, I try to think positively of it in terms of bettering myself and getting more experience. But I don’t even think that’s possible because any type of experience in the field I’m looking to work in is few and far between where I live, and the ones that do exist are, you guessed it, downtown. So even if I got the permission from my parents which is unlikely, I don’t think I’d be able to get over the instilled fear of driving there. Plus, I would likely still need my own car for the year if I defer, so I’d be spending at least half the money I’m trying to save up for a car for school on a lease. When it comes to my mental health, I honestly don’t feel confident that I’ll fix myself by the time the deferral ends. Granted, the adhd treatment is new, but I’ve already been in therapy for years with no improvement. So I don’t know if there’s a point in deferring and why another year would be different if I’m just gonna end up at the same place with the same problems. It just feels like deferring is letting my parents win. Or that I’m not even giving myself the chance to succeed due to the anxiety of failing. I mean it’s not like I failed undergrad, I just struggled and didn’t feel like I was able to really take advantage of having the privilege of being in school (so kind of like doing the bare minimum, occasional late work, passing assignments but not studying, putting a ton on my plate but not doing each to the best of my ability, etc.; but I also had many successes and things that I’m proud of). Still, grad school is different from undergrad.

The whiplash of going from being so happy and trying to keep myself excited despite the anxiety, to being in tears these past couple of days, is upsetting. It just seems like I’m stuck, and I don’t know what to do.

Side note: I feel guilty for saying it but there’s a lot of resentment from me towards my parents because I feel like some of these problems are made worse by them holding me back. A former therapist brought up the possibility of ADHD years prior to my actual diagnosis, but I never looked into it b/c my parents were upset thinking that the therapist was completely wrong, so I just waited until I was burnt out before getting it checked (was told by my parents before leaving on the day of my testing that I didn’t have it lol, now they believe it). It feels like I could have had years to fix myself but now I’m behind. Something similar happened with the actual treatment where I’m only now just starting because my parents weren’t giving me permission for the first few months.

I’m gonna be commuting to grad school for a masters. It’s around 50 miles away so let’s say 2-4 hour round trip (depending on traffic/weather). I technically only have classes three days of the week (all evening), but if I get a grad assistantship, I imagine I would have to be on campus much more often. So I guess just looking for advice on how to not burn out quickly from anyone who’s done something similar where you have your school life and setting vs. your home life (including weekly appointments you need to go to when not at school, as well as working near home if you did this without a grad assistantship).

Has anyone ever commuted to Kent from Cleveland for graduate school? Any tips to not burn out? Let me know if you did this with or without a grad assistantship since I know that can keep you on campus more often.

With school coming up fast, I’ve been trying to find a car that I can use to commute (46 miles away; so 2-4 hour round trip depending on weather and traffic). Living on campus isn’t an option for me. I don’t have a co-signer, and as someone totally out of the loop when it comes to car leasing/buying, I was unaware that I literally would not be able to lease a car without a co-signer, since I only make enough to dish out the car payments + gas. Yeah yeah I’m an idiot but I’m still stuck here unsure of what to do? With some more research, I’ve learned of whole sale buying and I have a few thousand saved up but still under 10k. Am I a lost cause? Is there any possible way for me to get reliable transportation at this point? Public transportation is also not an option for me, so I genuinely need my own car. For a second I thought I could use some of my student loans to help as a last resort, until I realized that was illegal. Are there any possible options for me with this information?

Edit: I don’t know if it matters but I have relatives who are car dealers.

Hello! Reposting from the recovery subreddit.

—

I’ll be commuting to school (2-4 hours round trip depending on traffic/weather) and though I’m very excited for school itself, I get impending senses of doom surrounding the actual commute lol. It’s like whiplash where I’ll feel huge excitement over my classes, campus, etc. and then another day I’ll just remember that I actually have to get there and cant just teleport :D.

My anxiety stems from 2 main issues: 1) emetophobia/fear of gastro upset during the drive (because well shit happens no pun intended); 2) death anxiety since well the highway I have to go on terrifies me, lots of crashes, & anything can happen on the road and I’ll be on it a lot (let’s assume 5 days a week).

I know realistically that it just comes down to accepting uncertainty of bad things happening, since I can only control myself. But I guess I’m just looking for ERP or mental exercises that I could practice for the situation outside of just driving, as well as some CBT tips that may work, like how to engage with/redirect anxious thoughts when they come up, both before school and when it starts and I have to actually do it. As of late I’ve been feeling anxious just leaving the house in general, so I know that I will be anxious when the times comes and I worry it’ll make me back out of driving to school/panic while on the road/potentially drop out. Right now all I’m doing is subtle reassurance seeking from the people around me b/c I know they’ll reassure me every time I mention it.

Side note: executive dysfunction issues = fear I won’t be able to consistently practice skill sets in order to prepare for the very very close school year, so maybe some tips on that as well?

Side side note: I dont know if it’s a compulsion (feels compulsive to me at least) but I have a really bad habit of looking up songs on my phone while I drive. Everytime I do it I know it’s dangerous and get anxious like “dang something bad could have happened” + similar issues with occasional reckless driving (speeding to pass cars because I’m always late). I’m not a bad driver but these moments give me anxiety and I’ve tried to do the whole “it’s better late/no song than dead” but it hasn’t really helped so maybe some tips on that?

Side side side note: I can’t believe I forgot to mention this but on top of the OCD, I was raised in a very protective household = not allowed to drive 10 minutes downtown for example (the direction I have to go in); parent expressing distaste over me having to be out at night because of classes, etc. So I have this ingrained fear of literally driving any farther than 30 minutes, especially at night (both of which I will have to do everyday)

I was reading knot ever by Alice la roux and though it’s not the best writing I’ve ever read, I really liked how obsessed the love interest was with the main character (not like psycho-obsessed though). Thats normal in romance but I liked it so much in this book b/c of the fact that they were best friends & perfect for each other, but the mc was the one who had to come around due to his reservations about not following the expectations set for him.

I also really liked how they were having sex during all of this. Like the vibe of the mc being in denial and simultaneously being so needy everytime they did it, while the love interest just patiently waits for him to accept it. there was a similar dynamic in never let me go by Lyla Dane (but obviously much darker plot). Both books sort of have the whole two strong men but one just wants to be able to let go for once and that’s where the love interest comes in vibe.

So I guess to sum it up: long time friends to lovers (or former friends), where the love interest is immediately ready to accept the change in their relationship because they’ve always been obsessed and the mc has to come to terms with their feelings with needy smut happening in between. Love angst. Love desperation on the love interest’s end as they try to convince (both physically and emotionally) the mc that they need each other. Any genre fine. Doesn’t have to be dual-pov.

Hard no’s: age gaps, minors, incest, rape (dubious consent is okay to rec just let me know). Also not looking for a size difference, would like them both to be able to hold their own. If there’s small differences like the love interest being slightly taller, etc., thats fine as long as the mc is still big.

Hello! I’ll be commuting to school (2-4 hours round trip depending on traffic/weather) and though I’m very excited for school itself, I get impending senses of doom surrounding the actual commute lol. It’s like whiplash where I’ll feel huge excitement over my classes, campus, etc. and then another day I’ll just remember that I actually have to get there and cant just teleport :D.

In the least specific way I can explain it, my anxiety stems from 2 main issues: 1) emetophobia/fears of gastro upset during the drive (because well shit happens no pun intended); 2) death anxiety since well anything can happen on the road and I’ll be on it a lot (let’s assume 5 days a week).

I know realistically that it just comes down to accepting uncertainty of bad things happening, since I can only control myself. But I guess I’m just looking for ERP or mental exercises that I could practice for the situation outside of just driving (since I have no issue otherwise except a debilitating fear of highways, which now that I think about it definitely adds to it since I have to drive on one lol), as well as some CBT tips that may work, like how to engage with/redirect anxious thoughts when they come up, both before school and when it starts and I have to actually do it. As of late I’ve been feeling anxious just leaving the house in general which I’m trying to avoid but I know that I will be anxious when the times comes and I worry it’ll make me back out of driving to school/panic while on the road/even potentially drop out. Right now all I’m doing is subtle reassurance seeking from the people around me b/c I know they’ll reassure me every time I mention it.

So yeah. Sorry if any of this breaks the sub rules, I tried to follow as best as I could. Side note: I also have executive dysfunction issues so I fear I won’t be able to consistently practice skill sets in order to prepare for the very very close school year, so maybe some tips on that as well?

Side side note: I don’t know if it’s like a compulsion but I have a really bad habit of changing and looking up songs on my phone while I drive. Everytime I do it I know it’s dangerous and get anxious like “dang something bad could have happened” + similar issues with occasional reckless driving (speeding to pass cars because I’m always late). I’m not a bad driver but these moments give me anxiety and I’ve tried to do the whole “it’s better late/no song than dead” but it hasn’t really helped so maybe some tips on that?

Side side side note: I can’t believe I forgot to mention this but on top of the OCD, I was raised in a very protective household = not allowed to drive 10 minutes downtown for example; parent expressing distaste over me having to be out at night because of classes, etc. So I have this ingrained fear of literally driving any farther than 30 minutes, especially at night (both of which I will have to do everyday)