u/Negative_Ad2121

(35 F) I read somewhere some points/markers of an insecure person and unfortunately I hit some of the marks.

What stood out to me was the point:
Judgmental, Bitter, Resentful towards others who has the life she secretly wants but too stubborn to admit.

This struck me so hard.
I have already known I am secretly insecure even if I project myself confidently in public. (I work in people management and have been told that I’m charismatic.)

But I noticed in myself that:
- I need to be always validated/affirmed.
- I silently compete.
- I have a hard time clapping for others especially if somebody is doing the same things I do but doing it better.
- I feel the constant need to talk about myself or revert the conversation back to me when I’m not the star of it.

I know these all sound like I’m a terrible person. Even I cringe at and critique myself for my tendencies.
And I honestly don’t want to stagnate and be this terrible or miserable person.

I am more than blessed to have a good family, have good friends, and a great job that pays well.
I don’t want to be a shitty person. I feel bad about myself.

I don’t even know how to process this kind of pain, anger, rejection, and humiliation. It’s like a big ball that slapped me so hard. I can’t sleep.

I introduced both of them when I made them my bridesmaids.

Then it smacked me in the face. They suddenly started hanging out. And worse, they both unfriended me on facebook.

Now I feel like sht. I wanna cry but there’s so much to process. I don’t even know if I can process this.

Long story short, I ended my relationship with this person because he is a user and a severe liar. This person knows so many secrets about me and even integrated himself with my family very well. He even changed his last name to our before and paraded as my cousin. We have so many chats about my secrets that he can use against me and my family. Help!

This is quite long so please bear with me.

I am a Female in my mid-30s, happily married, without a child, my relationship with my family is great, and me & the hubs run a successful business.

I still have many friends and circles, but the ones who truly saw me at my lowest and highest, the ones I shared my deepest secrets, dreams, hurts, desires, the ones I genuinely connected with and “let in”, I lost them all in a span of a decade (during my work years).

First were my 2 grade school to high school best friends. This was before social media erupted so when I moved cities, the connection faded. But with facebook, I got our trio back together when we were all already working (they also lost contact) and we became tight again. Until the other one ghosted me and they just started hanging around without me. It hurt me so much. I was in so much grief. Then years later the ghoster reached out to me to say sorry. But I’ve since moved on.

Next, my college group. I’m still friends with the other girls but this one in particular was my closest. Unfortunately, I worked with her relative and said relative booted me out of the office. Worst year of my life, lost a career I built so hard. She lives abroad so we see each other sparingly but whenever she’s home, me and the hubs would always be available for her and her family. She took her relative’s side without ever reaching out to me. So there’s another one. 20 years of friendship gone.

And finally, a friend I knew since 2018. Granted this was my “youngest” bestfriendship but this person was there when all my other friends were abroad - so she shared all my milestones, heartaches, even integrated into my family very well. But this person had so many red flags, she’s unfortunately a pathological liar who manufactures everything about her. It came to a point that I was being asked by others why I tolerate her or how I can stand being friends with such a faker & poser. So I quit on the friendship. The pain of her fakery aready outweighed all the pleasures of being friends with her.

At this point I am just done opening myself to other people. I have been so hurt & scarred by these friendship breakups. But I also crave that connection with a friend the same ways that I shared with these ex-best friends. I miss them but I also know I cannot renew the friendships lost. I see my other friends every now and then but we don’t share the same level of closeness as the ones I lost.

I don’t even know what the point of this post is. I am exhausted and longing at the same time. I am both pained and also questioning why I can’t seem to keep a best friend. Sorry for the long read. But thank you for being here.