Maybe hate is a too strong word. But yeah. I have friends, lots of them actually. Most of them are completely indifferent to me. I only care, in a way, about the closest ones. But I care because them being in my life is useful to me. I'd be very bored if I was alone, so I need to keep them around. Secretly, I don't even like them
I don't even know why I'm writing this. Just needed to get it out of my chest I guess
Basically what the title says. I really can't imagine that happening. Maybe it's just me though
All relationships I was in were toxic. Manipulating, arguing, even some light abuse. And honestly? I liked it. When someone treats me perfectly, I seem to get bored and leave
I've heard about memory loss in bipolar before but I've never heard anyone having it as severe as I do, so I wanted to make a post for it specifically and see if maybe I'm not alone.
I do not remember my childhood. And I don't want to hear any of that "it's normal" bs. It's not. I'm still pretty young. All people my age, and I really mean ALL, remember it. Of course you don't remember every day, but the most memorable ones. It's still something. I have nothing. I thought I did have one, told my mom about it, she said she's certain that never happened. All I have is stories my parents told me. Once they tell me something, there is a flash in my mind. I still can't recall it but it's good enough.
Moving on, it doesn't stop on childhood. I don't remember a thing from, like, only a few years ago. I'm still friends with people I knew back then. They often bring stuff up. I can't.
And even months ago. Same thing. I mean, maybe it's not the same. The less time passes, the more I remember. This year I remember pretty well. Last year, the most interesting things. Two years ago, only the most memorable things. And so on...
I think it could be tied to my episodes. They are not that intense and they're short, but pretty frequent. But idk.
I love my boyfriend very dearly but his BPD is for sure something quite difficult for me to handle. I don't really struggle with it, I just sometimes don't know how to approach it, if that makes sense
Recently he opened up to me and tried to explain the way he's feeling. I have a playful personality and I like having an attitude. I also struggle with empathy and being all lovey-dovey is not my cup of tea. That much he doesn't mind, most of the time at least.
But he told me that he really notices all the little details - me being A LITTLE dry over texts or not telling him that I love him for a longer time than usual or making quite bratty jokes etc. He claimed that stuff like that really affects his mood, can ruin his whole day and sometimss his brains just tells him I'm losing feelings or already hate him.
I asked him what can I do to reassure him, but he doesn't know how I can help him with that. In his opinion those feelings and thoughts are something not only he can't control, but no one else can do much about them either.
But I thought I'll give it a try and ask - is there really nothing I can do? Is it just something he has to deal with until it passes? Or maybe anyone has any advice after all?
Thanks in advance 🩷
I'm a bit tipsy + english isn't my first language so sorry for any mistakes. i had suspicions of having bipolar or aspd before (noting that just in case it's helpful info)
my question is: can anyone relate?
I've never felt real empathy. I never really had any friends i actually liked, I usually just group them: the friend I drink with, the friend i have deep talks with... you know, i give every friend a "speciality" and kind of use them for it
the only exception was my best friend. I genuinely cared SO much about that girl. she was the only one i actually worried about etc etc I think I don't have to go in details, y'all probably know what I mean
the problem is it recently changed. I guess the reason why I loved her so much was because she was always chill and i never felt like I have any obligations towards her, we rarely had any deep talks and when we did it wasn't the depressive type. and recently, we were on a party, drinking, and she didn't handle it well. she started talking about every problem she has. i had no idea she goes through so much stuff, but for some reason, her opening up like that didn't make me sad for her. it made me... disappointed, maybe even disgusted
I mean obviously I wish all the best for her, but seeing her in such state, so weak, it's something that i just can't tolerate. especially when her problems are all things i also go through + more, while she was acting like she's the most insane person on earth ?? she's like 10% of how insane i can get. all problems are valid, everyone handles things differently, but I can't help how I view it. it kind of reminded me of those people on tiktok that are "soo insane" because they "let their intrusive thoughts win" and cut their hair. I can't understand people crying over things that are their own fault and would be changed if they just stopped whining and did something. I really can't, I wish I could. but listening to her back then all I could think about was how to get away from this situation. I guess I've always seen people in such scenarios as pathetic and weak for some reason
normally I wouldn't care, but she's been my best friend for 7 years and I'd never think my opinion about her would change so much in the span of just one night. i think deep down I just really can't truly like anyone
anyway my point is - can anyone relate? if yes, do you know what makes you like that? please feel free to share your stories
im currently in a depressive episode (i think?). i ditched my therapist so im on my own with figuring that out lol. i thought "oh im just tired" but weeks have passed and nothing changes... my friends pointed that out and i guess that's it
the point is, i met someone a few months ago, and i genuinely think this is it. he's my person. we get along so so well. or should i say, got along, because i ruined it
he's pretty insecure and needs my attention, otherwise he starts overthinking and assumes im uninterested. but i don't have the energy to talk to anyone other than my two best friends lately. I've tried to explain it to him, and it worked, but not for long. we're stuck in that loop of me being distant, him pointing it out, us discussing it, getting better for a few days before im back to shutting off
i just need some advice. maintaining relationships is so hard for me when im in this state. is this relatable to anyone? and please don't say "communication is key" - i know, but he's just a person, me communicating how I'm feeling doesn't change the fact that he deserves love and he needs me to show it. i have no idea what to do. i just hope it passes soon, but maybe there's something i could do or work on in the meantime?
thank you in advance