u/Nichakin

I'm on vacation with my mom for another couple of days and I'm going insane. Forget the whole zero privacy, but my eating habits has gone straight to shit. The first two days I managed to eat small portions and not overeat, but my mom kept bugging me by commenting on how extremely small my portions were (I actually give up, I don't understand what the normal portions look like). So I started eating more, and the want to destroy everything in my sight returned 😐😐

I wanted to be so proud for not purging such a long period, but it's awfully miserable to binge for 5 days straight ON THE BEACH WITH MY MOMS BREATH ON MY NECK. Or whatever the phrase sounds. I just want to rip myself apart it's so embarrassing to hear that my mom's appalled how I can't control how much I eat. I'm supposed to have a good time, instead I'm wallowing in my own self-pity

I know bulimia(or any eating disorder) is built around shame, feeling not enough and disappointment. But realizing that people don't even suspect I may be bulimic is so frustrating.

I'm sure people look at my body and think that I'm not scared to eat, that I have a healthy relationship with food. Which is absurd, I do everything for family and friends to not discover I have bulimia (which really is much, but god I'm just thinking about all the time that I wasted on scrubbing the toilet, cleaning kitchen and rebuying all the food I binged on).

I've been feeling so bad lately, doing all the binge/purging to oblivion just to still look mid, because I have no control whatsoever

It's not even the morning skinny thing. I just drank some water and ate some watermelon. I feel so uncomfortably full I want to purge that damn water😓👍

I think this is one of things that really messed me up. Since childhood I didn't really have any awareness towards eating disorder, I absorbed the context and knowledge that was given.

I knew a lot of skinny girls in primary school, that always cried about their looks or when they were told to eat (a lot of them were doing gymnastics around it's unhealthy culture, so I guess it made sense). But that was it. When I developed disordered eating behaviors (undereating, overating, purging) I understood how much of that information I was consuming was bullshit. Nobody ever tells you about constipation, weak bladder and not being able to walk while starving .

And definitely nobody told me that purging just will maintain my weight, destroy my health and will make me feel the most disgusting creature in earth. The vision of a skinny girl purging in the toilet with two fingers on her mouth was literally ingarved in my brain. That's literally was the only image of bulimic I was given. So when I started vomiting I felt so invalided. I'm literally fat, I'm nothing like those frail girls with skinny face. My body and face constantly bloated, I don't lose any weight, yet I spend hours purging, eating, purging. For such a long time I didn't even consider myself bulimic, just an attention seeker, that can't even manage to look smaller. It is still very triggering to see that almost every bulimic character is skinny (IF there is a bulimic character, most would write about your "generic" anorexic and call it a day). I understand that there ARE a lot of bulimics who are skinny, but as a person with overweight body complex, I feel so I unrepresented. It's as if I'm the only one, doing an awful job at purging, or not even trying to successfully purge.

Maybe this post is too rough and raw for me liking, I just feel tired of not even being disordered the right way. I'm not sure whether this post is too mean or triggering, please let me know, I'm writing this in a very emotional state rn. So really sorry for a long text about very nothing

Ive had a pretty bad relapse 2 weeks ago (purging almost 5 times a day) and currently getting back up. Limited myself to purging once a day, but god do I feel a lot more anxious. I'm trying to figure it out whether it's my brain acting pesky and doesn't want to give up the habit, or bp was just one of my main coping mechanism dealing with stress.

I've started drinking magnesium vitamins, refused from caffeine in hopes it will help. My life has been a hell since reducing purging, every thought leads to a long painful spiral. I can't focus on my friends, hobbies or work. I feel useless and pitiful

Now that I graduated school and waiting for enrolling in university, I genuinely don't know what to do. Doing schoolwork and revising for exams was probably my main time activity for the last 10 months, it was the most productive way I avoided binging. Now that I have a lot of free time, the only thing I know is stuffing myself up and purging after.

I wake up early in the morning and end up eating and purging untill im dizzy and the skin around my mouth is too dry for my liking. Everyday is the same : eat, purge, clean up before anyone's home.

Logically, I know there's SO much to do. I can start so many hobbies and keep improving in the old ones. I can watch movies, hang out with friends, but nothing will be as interesting as eating.

Cannot believe my current dream is for university to finally start so I can hide from my addictions more efficiently

To be exact, I purged earlier this day. And thats why I'm so mad at myself rn, because I was feeling absolutely FINE.

BUT i literally was so erratic I couldn't stop thinking about food, so I binged yet again. I thought I was eating non-gooey food so im safe, but for some reason I got my hands on chips and everything went downhill . When I was purging I choked on food 3 times, during one my saliva literally came through my nose because I couldn't throw up chips. Plus, I noticed that it's been more than half an hour since I ate so just gave up.

Now I'm left with an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and embarrassment. Genuinely don't even want to think about my weight tomorrow

Tbh at the start of my diet which just resulted in Ed, I've never feared a soup (NOT a stew). In my mind it was one of the most healthy and boring adult food for me. But soon I've started getting posts/videos/researches about inefficiency of soup and how unfilling they are. It's as if was brainwashed into thinking it's very "unhealthy" and high kcal?.

But my mom's homemade soups were so deeply engraved in my everyday life, I just couldnt convince her not to cook them (obviously she ate that damn soup all her life, my grandma and probably great-grandma too, and making a big pot of soup just for herself IS dumb). I was so scared of the oil and meat in the stew I would just pour all the liquid with meat back in the pot, or worse down the drain (yes I am very embarrassed)

I don't know WHY for the life of me I still have that dumb fear. Today I ate everything solid in my soup, but didn't dare to touch that dumb flavoured water

Started with a tomato, then a peach, rice cake, a bag of frozen berries,corn . After that said fuck it and ate some chocolate, cheese, cottage cheese, homemade cheesecake and ended that with half of bread. Went on a walk. Genuinely have no clue how to control myself and feeling desperate. Every single day the same thing

Just binged and didn't purge for the first time in a while. I'm not sure how to feel about this, because ive got some sort of "hey I just binged, but I actually feel like I won't binge or purge tomorrow. I don't hope for it, I KNOW this" feeling for some reason. Also I'm pretty sure someone said you stop purging before binging.

But on the other hand I still feel guilty. I know my weight scale will go up, unlike maintain with purging. I just don't want to gain weight, I only started losing it after a long time and don't want to lose the progress. Is this is the type of misery you feel while recovering from bulimia??

Was planning my next binge purge, when realized how ridiculous it is. I genuinely don't know how to prevent the possible binging. Do I distract myself? Does going out for walks helped anyone?? I'm so anxious because I want to bp, but obviously I have to stop it somehow

As usually veggies snack turned out into a binge. Mom bought a big package of granola I couldn't resist. When I started purging understood that it won't come out easy. 3 tries after granola chunks came with blood and I stopped. I'm so scared because I never purged blood but at the same time I'm disappointed because probably my weight on the scale will go up tomorrow. I couldn't hate myself more

I really hate HATE lazy mornings. There is something alluring about binging right in the morning that I can't control it if I'm not busy with anything. And everytime I give in I just keep thinking "well I've already fucked up why even try" and it's such a bullshit. Because why does the perspective of eating and purging all day is so tempting, knowing damn well my lips will be dry, throat - sore and tired. I just purged and hope I won't do it again today. I'm exhausted

I'm 17 years old started stealing only recently. I've been regularly for 3 weeks and got caught in one shop. I have to pay a fine with my money and they threatened to put me on the score.

I told my mom about it, because I felt a deep guilt. Obviously she was disappointed, angry and confused. We live a stable life, I'm an ace student graduate and recently passed with maximum score on one of the national exams (something like SAT in US). I don't drink, smoke or party, so never had a bad influence.

But I do have a bad relationship with food, specifically bulimia. I ran out of my pocket money and only had my savings from holidays, so I thought if I spent that sum so quickly on something inexistent (vomit on the toilet) my mom would get suspicious .

So I started to steal, it started with small items like candy bars, but it grew bigger and to avoid getting caught started shoplifting on other stores. I genuinely don't know what have been moving me, I guess eating was such a big comfort for me that I justified it too much. Not being caught also played it's part, I wouldn't say it was a thrill but more the feeling you will never get caught?

As I said I was caught in one store, and very worried about getting caught in others too, so decided to just avoid those shops at all cost. It probably sounds bad, but how long do I have to avoid them to look cleaner for employees? I won't ever steal again, but at some point I will be in need to buy of a close store?

Anyway I feel shitty, but understand that I feel shitty that I was caught and that makes it worse for me. Do I have such bad morals?? My mom lectured me, and I genuinely understood I was feeling only guilty when caught. Like I kept going several times in several stores, I Had to have a nerve to continue to do so.

The start of this month was very rough for me. I spent all of my money on food I would bp, so what my dumb head decided?? Steal of course!

It's been going on for 3 weeks I think and today I was caught. I stole around 35$ and had to pay a check of 65$. I was warned that i can be put on juvenile offender monitoring. I graduated school and expecting scholarship, which would be impossible with me being in the arrest records.

I'm so freaking scared but I was shoplifting in multiple shops, so now I'm avoiding going at these stores at all. I don't want to be a staling bulimic. I don't want to ruin my life by purging stolen food. I want to be good, I want for my family to be proud of me.

I've been purging a lot less and I'm being able to control what I eat, I'm hoping to get good

Probably for some people this is a very stupid statement, but I've purged multiple times everyday for the last three weeks!! Was feeling kind of proud and I really don't have anyone to tell about this. I'm really hoping this isn't the last time

I just semi-binged(??) like uncontrollably ate for 15 min and stopped. My hunger cues are absolutely gone by now, so all I have is a weird volume fullness?? Like at this state a normal person would think they overate and stopped, but I genuinely feeling nothing but mental hunger. I don't NEED food nor will i properly enjoy it, because I ate at the speed of light.

So now Im physically full (I think). The worst is that i don't feel like painfully full, I can fall asleep without purging. But I can't stop seeking the feeling of absolute emptiness.

I want to purge so hard right now, just to feel a little bit more clean, but I know I shouldn't. How do i stop tormenting myself

After purging for awhile, neck started to hurt. Also when I'm purging the right side of my face (cheek?? I don't know something meaty inside) hurt really bad which makes it hard. Did anyone else have this???

It's probably a dumb question but can you pass out after intense purging while being healthy weight. I have a feeling like I'm faking that dizziness so I can feel better about weighting a normal amount. Like I feel very lightheaded lately but I'm not underweight so what's the point

I know I sound like an asshole, but sometimes I can't help how much person weights in certain situations. It's more of watching a vid where person struggles with something and talk about it, and my imidiate thought is always "well at least they're skinny, if they were fat as me it would have been worse". It's some sort of self-pity I always manage to accomplish. The person could go through horrible horrible things and I still think they're lucky enough to be skinny. This type of mindset has been ever since I can remember myself, even before my obvious Ed behaviors. How do you genuinely change something so rooten in your brain, how do I stop judging peoprl??