u/NijuShiTe

I would go back to the night we said goodbye. Not to change it, not to take it back. We would still say goodbye. But, this time I'd give you the chance– the chance to actually say what you wanted to say, the chance to let it all out on me. The thing I regret the most that night was not giving us the chance to talk, I was too prideful. I convinced myself that I was so right that whatever you could have said that night wouldn't change anything. Because I'm just so right, like I've always been during our time together. I was right about the argument we had during your birthday, I was right about us choosing not to move in together too early, I was right about me loving you more than you loving me. I was just always right. What a fucking jerk I was. I was so right that you couldn't even explain yourself. I realize too late that you honestly deserved better than me. I realized before I could actually be better for you. I messed it up before I could be better for you, before I could be someone you deserve.

You wanted me to fight for us. I'm sorry that I realized that too late. When everything was going downhill for you, the person you trusted the most, the person who was supposed to be your rest, the person who was supposed to make everything better, the person who promised to be beside you no matter what– he let you down, I let you down. The world crumbles around, I should've crumbled with you. I'm sorry that I was so weak to be your person.

I loved you, and that made you rely on me. You loved that I loved you. Finally, someone you can be vulnerable with. My love for you was real, you felt it. But, because of your past experiences and trauma you were happy as long as it was love– it didn't matter how that love treated you, you just wanted love in any way shape or form. I could've loved you better than I did, we were happy but I definitely could've done better. I could've done better to understand you more, I could've loved you better. We were so happy but not perfect. I realized late that I could've done better, I'm sorry.

I hope that you finally learned to love yourself. Not to rely on someones love and validation, just as I learned to love better too– love that you actually deserved. I think the problem was I loved myself too much and you loved yourself too less. I couldn't love you with my everything because I put myself first, you didn't respect yourself because you loved me too much. I realized too late that it's not about me and you anymore the moment we got into a relationship– it's about us now, putting us first rather than just putting ourselves first.

I would go back to the night we said goodbye. Not to change it, not to take it back. We would still say goodbye. But, this time I'd give you the chance– the chance to actually say what you wanted to say, the chance to let it all out on me. The thing I regret the most that night was not giving us the chance to talk, I was too prideful. I convinced myself that I was so right that whatever you could have said that night wouldn't change anything. Because I'm just so right, like I've always been during our time together. I was right about the argument we had during your birthday, I was right about us choosing not to move in together too early, I was right about me loving you more than you loving me. I was just always right. What a fucking jerk I was. I was so right that you couldn't even explain yourself. I realize too late that you honestly deserved better than me. I realized before I could actually be better for you. I messed it up before I could be better for you, before I could be someone you deserve.

You wanted me to fight for us. I'm sorry that I realized that too late. When everything was going downhill for you, the person you trusted the most, the person who was supposed to be your rest, the person who was supposed to make everything better, the person who promised to be beside you no matter what– he let you down, I let you down. The world crumbles around, I should've crumbled with you. I'm sorry that I was so weak to be your person.

I loved you, and that made you rely on me. You loved that I loved you. Finally, someone you can be vulnerable with. My love for you was real, you felt it. But, because of your past experiences and trauma you were happy as long as it was love– it didn't matter how that love treated you, you just wanted love in any way shape or form. I could've loved you better than I did, we were happy but I definitely could've done better. I could've done better to understand you more, I could've loved you better. We were so happy but not perfect. I realized late that I could've done better, I'm sorry.

I hope that you finally learned to love yourself. Not to rely on someones love and validation, just as I learned to love better too– love that you actually deserved. I think the problem was I loved myself too much and you loved yourself too less. I couldn't love you with my everything because I put myself first, you didn't respect yourself because you loved me too much. I realized too late that it's not about me and you anymore the moment we got into a relationship– it's about us now, putting us first rather than just putting ourselves first.

I'm Haunted.

Haunted by the ghost of my past. It's always been there, growing stronger by the second everyday.

I've been noticing it lately. Whenever I'm left alone with my thoughts, the presence grows stronger and consumes me. Not violently or with hostile intent, it's just there watching. I try to ignore it but no matter how much I try to, it never fails to creep into my mind. Like a virus that spreads– it's quiet but it's deadly.

It whispers to me, it speaks to me. I have trouble sleeping at night because of it, I tend to lose my concentration too. It leaves me petrified whenever it makes its presence known. I could be all jolly while hanging out with friends one moment then deeply bothered the next moment. Just from feeling its presence, just from seeing it.

I've been trying to reflect on my past mistakes after these realizations. I've killed things before. Not people, of course– just the parts that were inconvenient. But, the weight of my sins have finally caught up to me. I cannot outrun them, I realize now that I have to move through with that weight. I cannot escape it. And I don't plan to now.

I can't help but feel familiar with this ghost of mine. It's almost like it knows me– like a long time friend who sees through the mask. It knows my nature, it knows me more than anyone else– like a lifelong spectator of my story. And, I know it too, I know it knows as much as I think it does. I've accepted that part too. And now I'm sure.

It's me. I'm being haunted by my past. For all the dreams I've killed, the opportunities I've killed. The me that I killed– that 15 year old boy. The kid that believed in something– believed in me. He had plans, not vague, specific, who he'd become– who I'd become.

The boy liked numbers. His mom would always praise him for getting perfect scores from any math related exams. But that wasn't enough. He joined tournaments soon after. He won, he got praised. But that still wasn't enough. He had hunger like no one else, he just needed one more of that sweet sweet praise from mom. Numbers gave him purpose.

I never did become that person. The worst part was nothing really stopped me from becoming something great, other than me. It was just a thousand small surrenders I barely noticed– I'll start monday, until monday lost its meaning. I've become someone I swore I wouldn't– the quitter, the excuse maker. I knew better but did it anyway.

I can't escape it now. I can't walk away from myself, I can't block myself, I can't ghost me. I wake up everyday inside the person that broke every promise that mattered.

It's still there. That little boy's ghost. It's in there somewhere, not rooting for me– just quiet, watching. Waiting to see if I really meant any of the promises I made.

It haunts me.

I (19M) have always dated girls either younger or the same age as me. But after my latest relationship with an older girl (21F) I started to avoid dating girls my age or younger. I started to lean towards flirting with older girls and actively ignoring younger girls, I don't know why but I'm now only attracted to older girls. So much so that it's not even a preference anymore but a requirement.

I wasn't really deeply in love with my recent relationship I mentioned so I don't think this has anything to do with that.

My problem with this is that older girls tend to dismiss me as too young for them so it's pretty discouraging to even try anymore. Any tips on how to approach older women?

And also, this girl (currently 19) I dated back when I was 17-18, recently reached out to me and said that she wanted to try again. I've dated girls before her but I consider her as my very first love, I was actually deppresed for a couple of months after our breakup but I've completely moved on now. The thing is, as I've said, I only want to date older girls now. How should I tell her without making it sound weird?

To the Moon,

I still think about you from time to time... it's funny... anyway, I really hope that you're doing well out there, living life the way you've always wanted to, experiencing things that make you happy, being yourself, someone that stays true to herself and giving little to no care about what others think about them, because you're at your most beautiful and brightest when your wings are spread wide open.

And if not, I hope you make it through your darkest days in one piece, still you but stronger, with all the lessons and scars you've gained through it all but at the same time still being that beautiful and shining beam of light, that precious little girl.

And... I'm sorry... really, really, really sorry... I couldn't be there for you, I couldn't keep my promises to you, our promises to each other. I'm sorry we weren't able to achieve those dreams we've dreamt of... the plans we made together, the future we envisioned together, our plans of growing old together...

I'm sorry that I didn't fight for you and for us. I was too weak to be your person, too weak to be by your side. I shouldn't have promised things I didn't have the strength to keep. But despite that, I can proudly say that I meant everything that I ever said and promised to you, I just wasn't strong enough to follow them through and for that I'm really, really, really terribly sorry...

I love you, I still do, and I don't know if I'll ever stop loving you. You were everything that was precious to me, the best thing that life gave me.

You were my biggest reason, the only reason. You pushed me to become something greater than what I thought I can be, you gave me a sense of purpose, you saved me.

During our time together we often associated our relationship to that of the moon and the sun. I love you, my moon, ever so beautiful and ethereal.

Just like the moon, your light was bright but gentle, it guided me and gave me warmth.. it saved me. Thank you.

I really wish nothing but success and happiness ahead of your journey, with or without me. You're strong and courageous, I know you'll make it through until the end.

I'll never forget you, I love you.

If I was given the chance to live my life 100 more times, I would still choose to be your sun 100 times over, because those were the happiest days of my life.

Sincerely, your Sun.