u/Niso_Miso

I have felt hideous and strange for as long as I can remember really. I can remember doing body-checks in the mirror as a child, and always feeling too fat. Growing up in a poor household where showers/baths were off-limits, and having a mother who constantly shamed me for being "disgusting", just exasperated these feelings further.

I was incredibly shy as a child, and so I spent a lot of time alone. Naturally, I began to wonder what was wrong with me, and my appearance became something that I was obsessed over. I thought that if I was pretty enough then it would mask or make up for whatever made me inherently unlikable and unlovable. I spent a lot of time on makeup and hair, but I always felt even uglier. It just felt like I was desperately trying to be pretty when I am anything but that. It honestly felt humiliating most days because I was sure that people were judging an ugly girl for believing that she could participate in feminity too. I feel too disgusting to be even considered a woman, and my lack of female friendships just solidifies that in my mind. When I look in the mirror, all I ever see are flaws, and this ugly disfigured face. I don't even feel human, and sometimes my reflection genuinely scares me. It even feels foreign when people say my name or acknowledge my presence because I forget that I actually exist to others.

I feel too tall for a woman and like an eyesore as I enter a room. I feel that my body is so broad and fat despite maintaining a healthy weight. I tried to be underweight, but I still looked fat, and it didn't fix my face anyway. I am breaking out with hormonal acne lately, and I just feel even worse and more hopeless. I just feel like my nose is crooked, my lips are too thin, and overall my face is not symmetrical, feminine, or appealing enough. I download and delete dating apps periodically, but no amount of validation ever makes me feel okay with myself. I tried hookups for validation, but I just felt that they were desperate or bored enough to settle for the ugly girl, and would pretend that it never happened afterwards. I am probably just a joke to them, and this makes me feel even worse. I would even ask them to degrade or hurt me because I believed that I should be humiliated and punished for wanting something that is reserved for real women with value. I tried to explain this to a counsellor, but there was genuinely an awkward silence because even they were taken aback and couldn't understand it. I feel so ashamed of myself.

I am terrified of a serious relationship because I feel like the more that someone sees and knows me, the more that their disgust and disdain will grow and show towards me. My ex treated me like shit, but I feel that I probably deserved most of it. Sometimes I think about contacting him again, since it's not like anybody will ever truly love me anyways. At least he somewhat tolerated me, and that was probably more than I ever deserved. It's difficult to enjoy life when you are lonely, and feel like your presence is insulting enough. Honestly, I am convinced that there is no reason to live if you are not conventional or pretty as a woman. I can try to make up for my looks with my personality, but I was always considered a bit odd or eccentric, and personality doesn't matter when your a woman anyways. When a young woman passes, the comments will always be about how pretty she was. I just feel invisible and like I am nothing. Maybe I could make peace with being alone if I had a good group of friends, but I don't even have that much. I am tired of staring in the mirror, scrutinising, the body-checks, restricting food, cancelling events because I felt too hideous, and all of it really. I can't even relax around people, laugh, eat, etc. Everything feels like it will expose my ugliness to the world.

Sorry if this is a bit dark, but I am genuinely struggling to find a reason to live like this. How do you guys do it?

I was diagnosed when I was eight years old, but I don't feel like this diagnosis accurately represents me. My biggest symptom back then was being quiet and introverted, but this was mostly due to childhood instability and neglect.

I am quite social nowadays, but struggle to maintain friendships and relationships. This can mostly be attributed to the ostracisation that I experienced because of this diagnosis. Most of the rejection, ridicule, and bullying that I experienced was because everyone knew of my diagnosis at the time. I believe that if I was treated normally, I would not have ended up socially stunted or anxious at all.

I can have conversations with random strangers just fine, and I am frequently described as "articulate", self-aware, or well spoken. I never had a problem at my last customer service job, but I did feel drained at times because I spent years isolated. I feel like if I was autistic, I would not be able to adapt so well after years of isolation. I don't have sensory issues or repetitive behaviours. I am passionate about my interests and easily excitable, but I don't think this is enough to be considered autistic. I actually enjoy loud noises and intense environments. Concerts, spontaneous trips, casual relationships, and parties are all fun to me. I also really enjoy sports, and was good at most of the sports that I played too. I cannot relate to requiring a strict routine, predictable stimulus, or preferring logical or numerical tasks and hobbies. I was always a bit creative, but I was never someone who was particularly drawn to stereotypical autistic interests.

Pretty much all the autistic people that I have hanged out with were great people, but I felt too neurotypical for them at times. For example, they thought that I was too extroverted and outgoing, they wouldn't drink or drank very little at gatherings, or complained about my smoking habit. I am generally an intense person, I seek out intense experiences. I have had people ask or question if I have ADHD or a mood disorder, but never autism. I honestly just want to remove this diagnosis from my records because I don't believe that it is accurate, and it only caused harm in my life. I don't want to recieve another diagnosis either, which is my concern with seeking a second opinion. I just don't really believe in these disorders, and I think that they are used to put unconventional people into neat and easily understandable categories because conventional society cannot understand us, and this makes them uncomfortable. I just feel that they want to make us tolerable, and into what they deem functioning through their programmes, therapies, and meds. I don't think that I have any disorder, and I would like to rid myself of this label.

Is this just what it feels like to have high-functioning autism? Maybe I am just rejecting the label to feel a sense of control and distance myself from all the horrible ways that I was treated. Does anyone else feel similar or have you had a diagnosis removed successfully?

I was diagnosed with ASD when I was eight years old. I was a quiet, introspective, and creative child. I developed social difficulties due to constantly moving homes, communities, and schools. I moved a total of four times throughout my childhood. There was frequently instability and emotional neglect at home. I believe that my social difficulties were a combination of my environment and circumstances at the time. Any child would struggle if they were repeatedly uprooted, and forced to navigate established social dynamics as the outsider. It was much more convenient to label my struggles as a disorder rather than examining the bigger picture.

I was never spectacular at mathematics, and I had a tendency to daydream. This was largely due to the fact that I was lonely and frustrated, and so I used daydreaming as a maladaptive coping mechanism. This was used as proof of my supposed autism. Apparently being creative and "in your own world" is a defect. And my sensory issues were disliking dresses and wearing socks. I was a tomboy of sorts, but deviating from the norm was apparently a sensory issue. My anger was pathologised as "meltdowns" but I grew up in rough neighborhoods, and around people with anger issues. Some of the evidence in my diagnosis is being afraid of the dark, drawing a lot, and liking the same seat at the dinner table. These are all just regular and mundane childhood things. What bothers me the most was my supposed difficulties with hygiene tasks. I was not allowed access to the shower or bath, but the neglect was apparently a defect of mine.

I wasted so much time in clinical settings and being taken out of class to complete these useless "social skills worksheets/workshops" that I genuinely used to laugh at because they were so patronising. I was ostracised during school because I was forced to attend resource/special education classes. Nobody would talk to me or even sit near me, and I was always paired with higher needs kids despite everyone else conveniently recieving a new partner/group for projects and assignments. My grades were quite good for the most part, and I excelled at many subjects. I am left grieving the childhood that I never got to have because of this diagnosis. And while all the other kids were out making memories, I was sat at a counselling appointment. I didn't even stand a chance because I had a label to announce that I was abnormal and everyone viewed me through this one dimensional lens. Being friends with me would have meant social repercussions. I missed out on most milestones or formative experiences, and spent my childhood years in a depressing silent stupor.

My mother always used this diagnosis against me. She told me that I would struggle to work, wouldn't be capable of attending college, etc. Justifiable anger or teenage angst? Your having a meltdown. Now that I am free from the school environment and just a normal person to everyone else, nobody even suspects that I have ASD at all. But I am still suffering because the prolonged isolation has really affected my self-esteem and ability to maintain relationships. It's difficult to discuss why I never had the opportunity to experience normal things or why I have zero friends from my past. I try to be vague about my childhood because I don't want a childhood diagnosis to ruin my adulthood too. But honestly, I just feel so behind and I worry that people will find out about the diagnosis and change how they percieve me, or even stop talking to me. I just believe that these labels were designed to pathologise and stigmatise those who experienced trauma or who do not fit the conventional standards.

Did anyone else have a similar experience, and how did you move past your childhood and make your adulthood fulfilling?

I have diagnosed OCD, and I started smoking a few months back. I noticed that sometimes my intrusive thoughts would play on an infinite loop, and felt much more convincing and real. This just became worse over time, especially after I cut back on alcohol. The following days were becoming hell, and my OCD was exasperated. I would be stuck in a constant loop that I wasn't real or human, and that all my memories and surroundings where fake or hallucinations. I genuinely started to believe that people had a plot against me, and developed suicidal ideation as a result. I became afraid of everyone, and super paranoid about their intentions. I started to become worried that I triggered psychosis, but I would bounce back to normal within a week of being sober. I stubbornly kept smoking because I blamed the bad reaction on a random OCD flairup, and I didn't want to stop doing something because of my OCD.

But after another OCD episode, I am just convinced that you can't smoke with OCD. I was using weed as a substitute for quitting alcohol, but it's looking like that isn't a safe option anymore. Can you smoke with OCD or is that really harmful? I would like to know what others with OCD or knowledge on the topic think.

I don't even know what flair to use, but hopefully the above works. I am just going to put an additional trigger warning that this is quite strange and could be considered sexual in nature.

Okay, so this is extremely embarrassing to share, but I just need to get it out because I don't know how to interpret what happened or how to feel about it.

Basically, my mother used to encourage me to go right up to her ass, sniff it (this is so weird, I'm sorry), or take clothed pictures of it. She used to find it quite humorous, but I feel weirded out when I look back now. I was a young child at the time, maybe 7-9 years old. She also used to slap my ass randomly when I was 13-15 years old. Like, I would be bending to reach something and she would randomly spank my ass and laugh hysterically. A really weird one that I remember was how she stuck her finger up there when I was just bending to reach a shelf, and I asked "why would you do that?" but she just kept laughing about it. I am so sorry because I am ashamed and embarrassed just typing this, but she had a weird fascination with the behind region of women. Like, she would sing about that stuff and always pointed out a teenage girl in shorts to shame them. She would go into detailed descriptions about their ass and how she couldn't help but to notice because they were looking for attention or something. I have no idea why she would do that. She is also very homophobic too.

I was also not allowed to shower or take a bath. She never bathed me or anything like that. I just never had a normal shower or bath for years. I had oily hair and was extremely embarrassed. She used to wash my hair a small number of times per year. I was not allowed to brush or wash my own hair because I apparently made a mess and did everything wrong. When she washed my hair, she used to do it aggressively while shouting about sending me away in weird details. She would say that I would be forced to wear a diaper or how random adults would change my clothes for me. I was called dirty, a rat (I have no idea why she kept using that one), or disgusting on a regular basis despite not having access to the shower. I remember how my feet were dirty because I never even showered, and my mother grabbed them to show my family and berate me for being a disgusting child. I still remember the shame that I felt, and I was trying to explain through tears that my feet were dirty because I wasn't allowed to shower. Even when I got a regular illness, my mother would blame it on my cleanliness and berate me for being disgusting. I was called disgusting so much as a child that I honestly lost count. I remember coming home from sports and stuff, but I wasn't allowed to shower. She would sometimes get a makeup wipe to clean the dirt, and then parade it around to prove that I was disgusting and a burden.

There is a bunch of other fucked up shit like the blatant emotional abuse, but these ones are difficult to talk about because they are so bizarre. I am sorry to anyone who read the full thing, and I will definitely delete this later because it's too weird and embarrassing. But was any of this normal and does anyone understand the reason that she would do this to me?

Hey, so I am 22 but only recently started wearing makeup again because I had severe body image issues as a teenager, and used to cry everyday while applying my makeup before school since I believed that it somehow made me look worse and like I was trying too hard to look pretty when I wasn't. I mostly just avoided makeup to spare myself the stress and daily breakdown.

But nowadays, I am breaking out in some hormonal acne and would also like to start wearing makeup regularly for the first time in a while because my confidence has improved. I notice that I take so long, like anywhere from an hour or two on a basic look, and it is making me feel discouraged. I also mess up a lot, especially with my eyebrows, and I just feel a bit embarrassed because I feel like every other girl my age is amazing at makeup but I am like an awkward child who is borrowing their mothers makeup.

It didn't help that my ex was always saying how I took too long or pointing out a miniscule imperfection when he knew that I was already self-conscious. And my mother would compliment me when I was growing up by saying "you're a pretty girl, you should wear makeup" or refuse to take a picture of me since I was not wearing makeup. And even my sister laughed when I asked for feedback on my makeup, and just said that I look like a clown (she is 23 btw). It just made me a perfectionist and very ashamed of myself.

I also find myself analysing and fixing it a lot, and worrying that other women are judging my makeup and feeling sorry for me due to the women in my family. I guess that I am connecting my womanhood to my ability to do makeup in a way, and maybe that is one of the big stressors rather than just how pretty that I look. Am I being too hard on myself, and how do I improve or feel okay with not being perfect?

I used to find that Zyns (I use Nordic Spirit or Velo specifically) were quite useful during examination periods, the days where I was sleep deprived and needed to feel awake, or places where I couldn't smoke. I still smoke cigarettes but I really need to quit those too. I have basically alternated between cigarette, vape, and Zyn addiction for a while now. I believed that Zyns were the lesser evil, especially since I have failed to quit smoking so many times and Zyns did reduce my smoking significantly.

I usually use two 14/16 g pouches at a time or one 30 g pouch, and this used to give me a nice buzz where I felt both relaxed and alert. But nowadays, I start to feel extremely fatigued and weak almost immediately after using even one pouch. I have to lay down because I feel sedated and like I can't even think clearly. I started getting panic attacks and throwing up too. My addiction to nicotine is so bad that I would still use my Zyns after throwing up and feeling nauseous. The Zyns are basically turning me into a zombie but I am still chasing the effects that they used to give me. The fatigue follows me for hours, but Zyns have basically become a habit that accompanies everything.

I researched online and some articles explain that nicotine in large doses can cause brain activity to be suppressed, causing a sedation effect. I couldn't find anyone with a similar experience though. Has this happened to anyone on here and how did you quit Zyns/nicotine? I am struggling to stop despite getting zero positive effects anymore.