u/No-Coast9003

I recently read a post where someone asked what parenting style their parents had used, and he described how his friends would often ask what his parents had planned for them, and how he was often bored. That made me realize that when people talk about parents “entertaining” their children, they might literally mean entertaining them, rather than just planning occasional outings and activities for them. Which would explain why I’ve read so many posts where people are asking how to entertain their infants.

So what I’m wondering is: do parents in the US and perhaps other countries literally entertain their children? I don’t really feel like I “entertain” my daughter at all. She has toys in every room, and when I’m not carrying her, she plays and explores on her own. When we play together, I join her in her play rather than planning activities for her. This is also what I understand to be the norm in Sweden. Some parents probably engage with their children more than others, but I’ve never heard of it being to the extent that children ask what their parents have planned for them when they’re visiting someone. Have I misunderstood what they meant, or is this actually a thing in the US and perhaps other countries too?

P.S. I used AI to help translate this since English isn’t my first language, and I don’t want to accidentally come across as disrespectful toward other cultures. I hope that doesn’t count as AI-generated content and therefore violate the rules.

Attachment Theory, Attachment Parenting vs. Attachment-Based Parenting — they are not the same thing

I’ve seen a lot of people use Attachment Theory, Attachment Parenting and attachment-based parenting as if they were interchangeable terms. They aren't, so I'm hoping a mod can pin this post.

Attachment Theory is the psychological theory developed from the work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. In simple terms, it describes how children form attachment relationships with caregivers and how a caregiver's availability and responsiveness can contribute to a child's sense of safety and the development of secure attachment. It is a well-established psychological theory supported by decades of research.

Attachment-based parenting is a broader, less prescriptive approach to parenting that is informed by attachment theory and attachment research. It means using what we understand about attachment and child development to inform parenting, with the goal of fostering a secure attachment. It can involve being responsive, emotionally available, providing safety and comfort, helping a child regulate, being a reliable caregiver and repairing ruptures in the relationship.

Because attachment-based parenting is broader and less prescriptive, people may differ in how they apply attachment principles to issues such as sleep, and some may consider certain forms of sleep training compatible with their personal interpretation of attachment-based parenting.

Attachment Parenting (AP), on the other hand, is a specific parenting philosophy. It is informed by attachment theory, but it is not simply another name for attachment-based parenting. AP has its own set of principles and practices.

At its core is the principle of responding to your child's needs and signals, including during the night. The emphasis isn't necessarily on how you respond, but on being responsive rather than deliberately withholding a response in order to shape the child's behaviour.

AP is also associated with practices such as breastfeeding, babywearing and cosleeping, but these practices aren't requirements for parenting according to AP. You don't have to do all of them to care deeply about attachment parenting, and not doing them doesn't mean you're an inadequate parent. It doesn't necessarily mean you're not parenting according to AP.

This distinction becomes particularly relevant when talking about sleep training.

CIO methods involve deliberately not responding to a distressed child's crying in order to teach them to sleep independently. That conflicts with the core principle of responsive caregiving that Attachment Parenting is built around. The issue isn't whether a particular parent has found CIO effective; it's whether the approach is consistent with the philosophy.

That's why the distinction matters.

I personally parent in a way that I would describe as attachment-based parenting, even though I also happen to follow many of the practices associated with Attachment Parenting. But even if I chose to do something that doesn't align with the core values of AP, I wouldn't advocate for it in this sub, because this is a space specifically for Attachment Parenting.

I'm not arguing that everyone needs to breastfeed, babywear, cosleep or parent according to every practice associated with AP. I'm also not saying that people who use sleep training are bad parents.

I'm saying that something being compatible with attachment-based parenting doesn't automatically make it Attachment Parenting. People come here to learn about a specific parenting philosophy, so I think it's important that we respect that distinction rather than presenting practices that conflict with its core principles as though they are inherently part of AP.

If you choose to sleep train and believe it is compatible with your understanding of attachment, that's your choice. You can practice attachment-based parenting, combine elements from different approaches, or disagree with Attachment Parenting altogether.

But these terms shouldn't be treated as synonyms, because they represent different things:

Attachment Theory = a psychological theory about attachment relationships and how they develop.

Attachment-based parenting = a broader, less prescriptive parenting approach informed by attachment theory and research.

Attachment Parenting = a specific parenting philosophy with its own principles, informed by attachment theory but not synonymous with attachment-based parenting.

Edit: Fixed Markdown formatting.

The amount of pro-sleep-training posts and comments in here is honestly alarming. This is an Attachment Parenting sub, not an attachment-based parenting sub. There is a difference.

I had enough after reading the comments on a post that was removed. Rhetoric like:

«“Babies who are sleep trained pick it up really, really fast. Like almost in one crying session fast. So we’re talking maybe 20 minutes of crying on one occasion and having a responsive parent 24/7 the rest of their lives.”»

is not only logically questionable, but conflicts with the core principles of attachment parenting.

The argument that maternal mental health somehow makes sleep training compatible with attachment parenting also doesn't sit right with me:

«“Maternal mental health is impacted massively by quality of sleep. What does it look like if, from an attachment style, we’ve got a parent who is very dissociated for a year from sleep deprivation but they respond every single time the baby wakes at night? Is the baby getting quality interaction from their sleep-deprived parent during the day?”»

Yes, severe sleep deprivation can absolutely affect a parent's functioning and ability to care for their child. There can be situations where the risks of continuing as-is outweigh the risks of changing something about the child's sleep. I'm not arguing otherwise.

But that's different from arguing that sleep training is therefore compatible with Attachment Parenting.

I'm a chronically ill solo mom to a sensitive baby, so I'm not saying any of this from the perspective of someone who simply doesn't understand how difficult sleep deprivation is. I know what survival mode looks like. I also know that many parents don't have the village they are supposed to have.

But the fact that our society doesn't provide parents with enough support doesn't magically turn a practice into Attachment Parenting because the parent needs sleep.

The early years are exhausting. Responsive parenting often means that parents don't get both unlimited cuddles AND a full night's sleep. That's not a failure of the parent or the child. Ideally, we should have a village and enough support to make this sustainable. Unfortunately, many of us don't.

I absolutely believe there are situations where the benefits of sleep training can outweigh the potential risks. If someone is so severely sleep deprived that they are at imminent risk of harming themselves or their child and they genuinely have no other safe options, I am not going to judge them for doing what they need to do to keep everyone safe.

But I'd still argue that this doesn't make the intervention Attachment Parenting. It means the family was in an exceptional situation where safety and survival took priority in that particular part of their choice of parenting style.

That's an important distinction.

Attachment-based parenting is broader than Attachment Parenting. One could argue that some forms of sleep training can be compatible with an attachment-based parenting approach, depending on the method and the circumstances.

But that does not make them compatible with Attachment Parenting as a specific parenting philosophy.

So, dear pro-sleep-training people: if you want to advocate for sleep training from an attachment-based perspective, that's fine. But please stop conflating Attachment Parenting with attachment-based parenting.

I strongly encourage you to create an attachment-based parenting sub if that's the approach you want to discuss. And I also encourage people to actually read about Attachment Parenting and attachment theory, including the distinction between attachment theory, Attachment Parenting, and attachment-based parenting.

Because IMO, it's very difficult to argue that CIO methods are aligned with the core principles of Attachment Parenting when the method itself involves deliberately not responding to a child's signals of distress and need for comfort. And if you believe that sleep training can be compatible with attachment-based parenting, then an attachment-based parenting space would allow you to discuss that without asking an Attachment Parenting space to stretch the definition of the philosophy to accommodate practices that conflict with its core principles.

Edit to add:

I want to clarify two things.

First, my own parenting style is actually more compatible with attachment-based parenting than with Attachment Parenting. I'm absolutely not saying that we should exclude anyone who isn't breastfeeding, babywearing, cosleeping, etc. That's not my point at all.

What I'm saying is that responding to the child both day and night is a core principle of Attachment Parenting. It's not necessarily about how you respond, but that you respond. Therefore, I don't think it is appropriate to advocate for CIO methods in an Attachment Parenting space.

Just look at the number of comments suggesting — or literally stating — that people didn't know there was a distinction between Attachment Parenting and attachment-based parenting.

That's the problem I'm trying to point out. Right now, this sub is potentially misinforming people about the core values of Attachment Parenting.

Y'all can sleep train all you want. I'm not trying to police anyone's parenting choices. I'm saying: don't advocate for sleep training in an Attachment Parenting sub when it conflicts with the core principles of the philosophy this sub is supposed to be about.

Just like I can't go into a sleep-training sub and advocate for responsive caregiving and expect that to be welcomed simply because I personally believe it's the better approach.

Actually, I tried to ask a few questions in a sleep-training sub that were neutral enough that I received several private messages with answers, because I genuinely wanted to understand people who sleep train better. The post itself was removed for being anti-sleep-training.

That's not what I want for this sub. I want people who think differently to be able to ask questions and have respectful discussions without being shut down simply because they don't share the prevailing view.

So if you share something pro-sleep-training, at least add a disclaimer making it clear that this approach is not part of Attachment Parenting.

I'm not asking for people to be excluded because they parent differently. I'm asking for the sub to remain true to what Attachment Parenting actually is, while still allowing people with different perspectives to participate respectfully.

That's all I'm hoping for.

Edit edit to add:

I see a lot of comments asking what the difference is.

Attachment Parenting is a specific parenting philosophy/style. It has particular principles around responding to and meeting a child's needs, including the importance of responding to the child's signals both day and night. It is associated with practices such as breastfeeding, babywearing, and co-sleeping, although those practices are not requirements for being a good or loving parent, and not every parent who follows Attachment Parenting will do all of them.

Attachment-based parenting is broader. It means using what we know from attachment theory and attachment research to guide parenting, with the goal of helping a child develop a secure attachment. The focus is on things such as being emotionally available, responsive to the child's needs, providing comfort and safety, being a reliable caregiver, helping the child regulate their emotions, and repairing ruptures in the relationship.

Because it is a broader approach rather than one specific parenting philosophy, there can be more variation in what attachment-based parents believe about things like sleep, discipline, feeding, independence, and separation.

So someone can absolutely practice attachment-based parenting without practicing Attachment Parenting.

That's also why I think it's important not to use the two terms interchangeably. If someone believes that a particular sleep-training method is compatible with their understanding of attachment-based parenting, that's a discussion worth having. But that doesn't automatically make the method compatible with Attachment Parenting as a specific philosophy.

Before I had my baby the pile was on the edge of the bed. Now I have clean laundry piles in most rooms. So where do my fellow semi messy mom's put your laundry piles that you tell yourself will put in its rightfull place later but end up being used before it's put there?

How can I make it feel less messy? Cause my little angel is about to be 10 months and I haven't found a new resting place for it and she's obviously doing her best to get a hold on the piles while playing to have a taste, so I really feel like I need a better solution 😅

I truly hope I'm not alone in this lol 😂

I'm trying to build a high-nurture baby sleep app, and I have ADHD, so right now I’m deep in a baby sleep hyperfocus 😅

A situation with a friend’s baby made me think about a theory, and I’m curious whether anyone with similar babies has noticed the same thing or experimented with something like this.

I wonder if we sometimes focus too much on wake windows and nap timing, and not enough on a baby’s total sleep need over 24 hours and how that sleep is naturally distributed between day and night.

My theory is that some babies may have a fairly fixed sleep need (for example around 13 hours), but if a large portion of that sleep is happening at night, it might sometimes create a situation where the night becomes very long but fragmented, while daytime sleep stays unusually short.

This idea came from observing patterns in both my own baby and a friend’s baby.

My baby seems to naturally redistribute sleep after a short night or a split night. After less than ~10 hours of nighttime sleep, she often can only manage around 2 hours awake before her first nap, and that nap can suddenly become 2–3 hours instead of her usual ~1.5 hours. I also noticed that when her first wake period becomes too long, she can take such a long first nap that the second nap almost acts like a “false night start” — followed by a wake-up after around 2 hours and then a very fragmented night.

My friend’s baby has a different but interesting pattern: she has always been a short napper (both naps around 30 minutes), becomes overtired if wake windows are pushed, but still has a long night with many wake-ups. My thought is that maybe she has a relatively high sleep need, but the way that sleep is distributed over 24 hours isn't matching her biology.

Based on this theory, one possible approach could be to first observing the baby’s natural 24-hour sleep need, temporarily wake the baby 30–60 minutes earlier than usual. The goal wouldn’t be to reduce sleep, nor to create a fixed schedule but to see if the body naturally shifts some sleep into daytime — hopefully allowing a longer nap, a slightly later bedtime, and a more consolidated night. 

This is just a hypothesis, and I’m very open to being wrong. I’d love to hear if anyone has noticed a similar pattern or tried looking at sleep distribution over 24 hours rather than only adjusting wake windows.

Also, I hope this doesn’t come across as sleep training. The whole reason I’m building a high-nurture app is because I want to support responsive parenting and help families understand their baby’s individual biology so that they can stay responsive without falling apart. I’d genuinely love feedback if this idea doesn’t fit with a high-nurture approach.

I don't remember if it was here or another sub so I'll post in both. I've been moving myself or my baby to switch sides after/before every night feed for 9 months. A while ago someone wrote that they just lean forward, that's what I now do and my daughter is now sleeping in her sidecar crib and guess what that means for me... IM NO LONGER SLEEPING WITH NO ROOM TO ADJUST MY POSITION. So that you whoever you are! I'm so extremely grateful 🙏🏾

I hope this is the right space!

My mind was all over the place as I was nursing my 8 month old to sleep because I'm sleep deprived 😅 I've been lurking in a sleep training sub because I'm curious and like to understand how people who have different beliefs than me think.

But I realized I've reed ALOT of comments encouraging a boob rescue for short naps, didn't think it was weard at the time but it makes 0 sense. Nursing to sleep is bad in their opinion, it's a sleep association, so wouldn't that create a bad habit in their opinion?

Btw a routine is also a sleep association, the only one who can determine if it's a bad sleep association for your baby is you.