u/No-Mango8325

i think i just realised where that whole concept of women never taking accountability comes from. I was feeling the same way watching reels on insta, until one man interviewing Young Ma said to her "So youre a man then, because these bitches dont take accountability." Suddenly I became defensive. Because the message then became that there is no way to succeed, that accountability isn't actually being rewarded, it's being used as another opportunity to insult. That creates a trap. Because when you radicalise everything, you never get to the problem, or care to understand it. And thats dangerous, because men never experience what its like to be shamed for simply being born female, especially in religious settings. Its brutal to be handed all this shame that isnt yours and never given an explanation. Being told you have to put a robe over your baggy pyjamas at your friends house in order to come downstairs because her father was there and might get tempted is not normal for the psyche of a 7 year old girl.

So you're telling someone who's been taught to abandon her needs, wants and self, to make everyone around her happy, while the boys get to do whatever they want, that they have to take accountability now. They're not going to see it as something neutral. Theyre going to see it as another person asking them to shrink and apolagise for existing, and that's where the defensivness comes from. And where we go round in circles is when women do stand up and take accountability, only to then be shamed for it or to hear men shaming other women for not doing it. If you grow up with the feeling that your very existence is constantly being scrutinized or associated with shame, criticism can easily become intertwined with identity rather than behavior. That doesn't mean people shouldn't take accountability. It means that the psychology of receiving criticism can be very different depending on what you've experienced before, nothing exists in a vacuum.

Ironically, if someone's genuine goal is to encourage accountability, ridiculing the people who do take accountability undermines that goal. It teaches everyone watching that admitting fault won't earn respect, it will simply become another reason to be mocked. If someone is consistently met with understanding, they're often more willing to be open. If they're consistently met with contempt or humiliation, they're more likely to become defensive. That's a common interpersonal dynamic.

This is the conversation I had with a shout Volunteer today.

I tell them my situation, explain that I feel overwhelmed and like im losing my mind, that nothing helps and I want some resources to deal with my cptsd because my dbt hasn't helped me. So they asked if I would like some resources on debt....i responded with "why debt?" and so they sent the link.

I was so shocked I flat out said "Yeah this isnt a real person behind this is there?" And instead of them admitting their mistake, they just got defensive and said "Thos is a real person, would a fake perosn make a mistake?" They said that to a person in extreme distress just needing some resources and help. Im actually done with trying to talk to people

Anyone else get told in dbt Group that not all emotions are valid? That's so messed up because yes actually, all emotions are valid. They may be out of proportion to the situation, but it dosent erase validity. You can have a birthday party surrounded by friends and still feel lonely and sad, telling someone that they can't be sad because its their birthday is invalidating. They dont have to scream and shout and throw cake at the guests, no ones suggesting that, but to simply say "What that person is feeling isnt okay and they are inherently wrong for feeling like that" is abusive.

And dbt presents this like it's brand new information. Its not, everyone learns that sometimes you'll feel things that no one else feels and that dont match the scenario and you just have to deal with it and thats life. And I do, so i thought i was going to be given good advice and new skills that will rewire my brain and become second nature. But I feel like they're grasping at straws without actually knowing how to help, because all the regulation skills I used to do before I came to dbt, i figured them out on my own, everyone does.

And because they just write lists down of different things that different people use to to calm themselves or soothe, like you can always pray to God or paint or put ice on your face...im paying thousands for you to tell me that?