u/No-Palpitation2194

i am 24, will be 25 in a few months, so i'm giving myself a little over a year to find love. i've never had a boyfriend before, i've never found a man who i like nor have i ever found a man who didn't take advantage of me. and if i haven't found love by 26, i'm going to do very drastic and life-altering things to myself and others. others first, because if i did it to myself first then i couldn't do it to anyone else. i don't really care about most people anymore, the only people i ever care about are the guys that i find myself in obsession with (rather than in love with). but everyone else i only have hatred or frustration towards.

i was in the city today, and came across a photobooth. i dont remember ever taking photos in a photobooth before and i never take photos of myself so i decided to try it out... the photos i got back don't even look like me. they're all horribly distorted. i look like somebody i hate deeply, i ended up ripping one of the photos which looks horrible and awful out. it was the third photo i took, so i had to rip the photo chain or whatever it's called apart. and i kept looking at the photos as i waited for the train home, they were upsetting me badly cuz i dont look like that. i can't. when i think of what i look like in my head it's different from what i see.

oh i look horrible. when i kept looking at the photos my vision started to get weird, it got really blurry and everything felt far away. and ppl who walked past me kept glancing over and staring at me, it made everything sm worse... i hate being outside. i hate being around people. on the train home i couldn't stop my eyes from glazing over, i felt like i wasn't even a real person. idk it is so hard to describe how i felt. i've felt like that before, i've felt worse than that before.

i can't stop my mind from being detached from the rest of my body. i don't feel real. the photos are still in my bag, idk what to do with them.

thinking back on when my gp referred me to an nhs like psychiatrist or whatever she was (can't remember if she was a psychiatrist or psychologist idfk)... she like interviewed me abt my mental health and shit. and at the end she was like "i don't think you are depressed, or that there is anything mentally wrong with you. i just think you have autism. so, there isn't anything i can do, i'm not going to put you forward for further help." ... all she did was refer me to links counselling (which i'm still waiting on like 7 months later btw).

so i HATE when ppl tell me "you need help" "you need to speak to a psychologist/psychiatrist" "you need to speak to ur gp" okay and what're they gonna do cuz clearly they've done nothing in the past. i'm on the waiting list for nhs talking therapies (been on it for like a year, or more lowkey. i think a year and a half). and the only other thing any gp suggests is medication... liiiikeeeeeee... are we being seriously serious rn?

every time i post online about how i feel and what i'm experiencing ppl say i have dissociation/am in dissociation, and i'm in psychosis (i'm not asking for medical advice or to be diagnosed). but i don't think that i am. but even if i am why is that even bad?? why would i want to be fully involved in this world? i think dissociating (if that's even what is happening) is protecting me from thinking too hard about the world and going crazy.

i don't think i'm in psychosis i think that's a silly notion if i was in psychosis i think other ppl like irl would notice? maybe? idk maybe not. i don't think that people see me. i think they see some version of me, but the real version of me is trapped behind a thick glass wall which separates me from everyone else on planet earth, which is why i cant form connections with anyone. with some people i get fully obsessed with them (usually very unobtainable people like youtubers or ppl i barely know and probably will never know) and usually that obsessed will wain and lessen over time but then randomly it can come back super strong.

so is it really even that bad to live like this i mean if it is protecting me from fully succumbing to the horrors of this world then i dont think dissociation for me is that im. this is a genuine question and im not trying to dissuade others from seeking help.

There is a dude who comes into the store I work in maybe once or twice a month (I think, it's difficult to keep track of time). And I'm so in love with him. I don't even know the guy, spoken to him a few times but I always get super flustered and my eye contact is not usually very good but it's harder to even look at him at all let alone make eye contact. He's a lot older than me, i'm 24 and I think maybe he's like in his early 40s? Idk I'm very bad at judging ages. And he has a kid who he'll bring into the store with him, I doubt he would even come into the store if it weren't for his daughter (I work in a toy store).

One time (like 2 ish months ago? maybe? idk) his daughter ran outside to be with her friend (the guy was with his daughter, his daughter's friend and her dad), leaving the guy i like alone and I was serving him. I was super nervous cuz i'd wanted to shoot my shot for ages, and so I asked if he was single, he said no and I was like okay no worries. And my head was down, but I saw him kinda smirking and he was like "why?" and I tried to play it coy and smirked back and was like "idk teehee" (lame asf I wish I was just straight with him). But after I'd finished the till transaction he smiled at me and said "bye have a nice day/nice weekend". And I've been thinking about that interaction since omfg... I'm such a lame chudette...

I want him so bad most days all I think abt is him. And he's not even some crazy catch or whateva like yes he is VERY hot to me but to others he's probs js like a random dad. He's got a dad bod, and he's got really dark hair that's kinda going grey and like FOREVER ago (like last year or sum) he smiled at me when I handed him his receipt and I noticed he had missing teeth. BUT IDGAF im not some supermodel myself (and I'm pretty sure I've seen who his partner is cuz I've seen the same little girl with a woman a few times like 3ish years ago and she's no model either). And istg that one time he smiled at me when I gave him his receipt he winked at me, istg. I might be tripping but im pretty sure he did.

All I want is him. I'd literally do anything for that man. seriously. if he asked me to harm myself i would! if he wanted to inflict harm upon me himself id be like go ahead. I often have very violent day dreams abt him hurting me in different ways. I've not seen him in a while, he usually only comes in on saturdays so when im scheduled to be off work on that day i actually start tweaking cuz the thought of seeing him gives me the high i need to get through the day. like not even to speak to him, even just to see him. dear god please ive seen what uve you for others!!! give me this man!!!

(24f) i dont have any friends. i've never felt connected to anyone. i don't know if anyone here can even provide any kind of friendship for me. perhaps i am a lost cause. perhaps i am meant to suffer alone for eternity. worth a shot on here, i suppose. 24+ please, don't care the gender.

I think maybe i have borderline personality disorder, of course I'll never know for sure unless i get professional help. and people online have told me it sounds like i have dissociation. i feel extreme highs and extreme lows and also nothing at all. i need a high to get me through the day. i am so hot and cold towards people. i can't function. with every passing day it is harder for me to cope. i am at a breaking point. idk what to do. professional help is not in the cards for me. i can't open up to my family because they'll spin it around on me and call me evil and tell me that im a bad person and they'll guilt trip me and shit. i fucking hate them. i hope my life ends soon. i need something that will trigger a dopamine hit today, i havent had one today. things are starting to escalate every day i need something stronger to get me thru the day. idk what to do i feel so empty. i have no one.

Kind of. I don't understand why she treated me so bad when I was a kid. But I understand why she chose to do drugs. Life is so nothing. It's just nothing. Everyday is a slog to get through. I need something to get me through the day. I work. And before I start my shift I hype myself up in the hope that I will see this one customer who I have a huge crush on. The anticipation of seeing him gives a boost to be able to get up and go to work. And if I see him then I get a huge dopamine hit which gets me through the rest of my shift. And if I don't see him then I get depressed asf and my whole day is ruined.

When I'm not at work, the day is so impossibly sluggish to get through. I've nothing to give me that high when I'm at home. The only thing that kind of gives me a small dopamine hit is eating, but it's only a little hit.

If I didn't have a job I think I would be a drug addict. I'd need something to get me to bedtime. Even with a job, and the anticipation that I will see that dude, I still need something extra. I will never be with him (I did ask him one day if he was single and he said no), but it's even just seeing him that gives me a boost. I need something that makes me feel happy, even if very temporary. I need something that helps me not become angry and suicidal, or that helps me to feel something other than nothing or whatever. I feel nothing quite a lot. My brain doesn't function the way it used to. Words are difficult and sentences are hard to string together. Forgive my mind.

I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. I don't feel like a human, I've struggled to grasp the concept that I exist since a young age, as well as struggling to accept that other people exist. And recently, within maybe the last week or so (maybe two weeks? I'm not sure, time doesn't feel real) I have felt nothing. Just nothing. And it's making me feel even less like a human, less like a person, less like I am real. It's difficult to describe how 'nothing' feels, I feel emotionless. I feel like a sack of meat being lugged around by a brain that is only wired to 'do' and not 'feel'.

I have been struggling to keep track of my time, I've been losing time both when I'm at home and when I'm at work. I know I was there, like if I can't remember my walk home I know I walked home because I'll be at home, y'know? I know that I've done something but won't remember doing it, if I wash my hands after using the bathroom I'll only know I've done it because my hands will smell like soap, but sometimes I go back and rewash them just to be sure. Maybe it is because I am only going to work and being at home, but I've been doing that for the last (almost) 4 years, and I've only started to feel this way recently.

I think I might be going stir crazy? Not from being trapped inside a physical space, but from being trapped inside my own mind. The only time I really come out of being inside my head is when I am having an interaction at work, whether it be with a customer or colleague, I'll briefly (sometimes only half coming out of my thoughts) be present. Usually, if the interaction is minutes long, I will slip back into my head and I won't process what is being said to me, but I'll nod along and say 'yep'/'yeah' like I'm taking in everything they're saying. I don't have any friends so when I'm at home I'm fully in my head basically 24/7.

It is difficult for me to comprehend anything as real. As existing. Anything I see before me, I just see as a prop. I don't know how better to explain how this feels. It's not even a prop, a prop is a physical object on a tv show or movie set. I guess I see it more like nothing? It's just nothing. This laptop is a laptop but it's nothing. My bed is a bed, but it's nothing. My books are books, but they're nothing. They are there, they are in my room, near me, but my mind can't comprehend them as actually existing. Yes I can interact with them, but if I struggle to make sense of my own existence then of course everything else will follow suit.

I don't like feeling nothing.

I only work 20 hours a week but that isn't the issue, I'm fine with the hours but retail is so soul-sucking. Especially cuz of the people I work with omg talk about the nastiest, most dense bitches imaginable. I don't wanna sound like I hate women (I am one myself), but the two managers are women and they bitch and talk behind our backs constantly. They talk smack about my coworkers to me behind their back, and then I go and tell that coworker what was said about them LMAO. And one coworker who is okay does the same for me, if a manager smack talks me to them they will come tell me what was said. And the issue is that management act so fucking nice to your face that you can't ever confront them on their nastiness because they'll just deny it and act innocent. Ik they would because I've actually defended certain coworkers who were being bitched about and said the manager was being 'a little rude', and the manager got all wide-eyed and started acting innocent as if they didn't just say some nasty ass shit about another human being who they pretend to like to their face. I wouldn't care about the bitchiness if management didn't hide behind fake pleasantries. Also the customers we have to deal with are so mind-numbing it actually makes me wish I had multiple lives so that I could just end myself in front of a customer to traumatise them bruhhh... I hate my chud fucking job.

I only work 20 hours a week but that isn't the issue, I'm fine with the hours but retail is so soul-sucking. Especially cuz of the people I work with omg talk about the nastiest, most dense bitches imaginable. I don't wanna sound like I hate women (I am one myself), but the two managers are women and they bitch and talk behind our backs constantly. They talk smack about my coworkers to me behind their back, and then I go and tell that coworker what was said about them LMAO. And one coworker who is okay does the same for me, if a manager smack talks me to them they will come tell me what was said. And the issue is that management act so fucking nice to your face that you can't ever confront them on their nastiness because they'll just deny it and act innocent. Ik they would because I've actually defended certain coworkers who were being bitched about and said the manager was being 'a little rude', and the manager got all wide-eyed and started acting innocent as if they didn't just say some nasty ass shit about another human being who they pretend to like to their face. I wouldn't care about the bitchiness if management didn't hide behind fake pleasantries. Also the customers we have to deal with are so mind-numbing it actually makes me wish I had multiple lives so that I could just end myself in front of a customer to traumatise them bruhhh... I hate my chud fucking job.

when I think about 'my memories', I am watching a tv show that was filmed through my eyes. I was not there, I didn't do or say those things that I did in the 'memories'. I don't feel like a real person. For long term memories, it is a tv show. For short term, like what I did 15 minutes ago, feels like it didn't really happen. That's maybe why I often go back and wash my hands three different times after using the bathroom because I'm not sure if I actually washed them or not. When I think about other people, it can't connect in my mind that they are real. I've never met a person and thought 'wow this is a real person!'. I don't consider myself real, but in a different way than other people. I look at myself in mirrors and reflections and do not see myself looking back. I exist in this place, but this place is not real. I'm not sure if this is just a matrix-style simulation designed to torture and humiliate me, and the real world exists. Or if I am just hallucinating everything. That maybe nothing is real at all. Like how they say your life flashes before your eyes when you're dying, or how you relive memories before you die. Perhaps what I am experiencing is akin to that? Absolutely nothing exists outside of my own mind, and death is what only exists?

Ik people will reply to this stating they are real, and that's fine. Things will happen the way they happen. I will always get nay-sayers. That is fine, and to be expected. I am not going to hurt myself, you don't need to banish my post/account. I will not hurt myself. :)