u/No-Relation1314

My friend of 10 years died yesterday and I’m struggling heavily with grief I called out of work and my boss is pissed at me for it.

I’m 27 years old and the oldest of five siblings. Growing up in the south is exactly what you expect. Christianity, conservative “values” and unfortunately the pushing for children. Now, my mother was quite the hypocrite.. she had five children to useless men. All out of marriage but very Christian. She would openly bigot towards the LGBT community but claim she’s not homophobic because apparently having a gay friend excuses all the ignorance.
I remember growing up parentified thinking that’s the norm for all big sisters. Taking on more roles that should belong to the parent. I felt way older than I was by the age of 12. My mental health plummeted to serve anxiety and depression as a kid but the only thing that kept me going was taking care of my infant brother because my mom worked two jobs. My father wasn’t in the picture but my brother’s father was but he never was around. My day typically started if I wasn’t at school by waking up at five am to take care of my siblings when my mom went to work. I was always woken up by my mother’s boyfriend to watch my siblings because he claimed he had work. He in FACT did not. He actually was out doing drugs and cheating on my mom all day. I only later found out after I asked my mom a year later when I just turned 13 why do i always have to do all the chores and watch my brother. She was confused because apparently she thought her boyfriend was doing all the house work and baby sitting. I remember saying “how could he if he’s at work?” That caused a huge fight with her and her boyfriend. Which was very typical because he was emotionally and physically abusive. Even after the reveal nothing really changed and I still felt 40 when I was 13. Years went on and I started to want more boundaries from my mom . She and I would FIGHT all the time over her crossing my boundaries, the emotional incest, (sometimes she told me things I never wanted to hear) , and how her love life and having too many kids when we were dirt poor ruined my childhood. I still suffer to this day on trying to form healthy boundaries. She would have a lot of abortions I would like to mention I am pro choice but it was frustrating to me she would never take birth control or any form of contraception to prevent pregnancy.
I think my most frustrating memory of her was the fact she told me openly she doesn’t need to take birth control because I’m on the pill. She honestly believed she wasnt getting pregnant as often because I was taking the pill. That being said she would still get visibly angry at me for not WANTING any kids. She was honestly confused and I told her the reason is because of her reckless and impulsive life made me very cynical towards being a parent she would lash out.
My mom is now dead and gone but the last few months I just been thinking about how much neglect and pain I went through as a kid. There’s obviously more to why I’m chilfree such as rising costs and the current political bullshit but the main reason is due to the fact I never once saw a positive result of pregnancy and being a parent.

Maybe it’s in my head but no matter where I work my co workers always have this level of dislike towards me. Today I was told I don’t smile enough and I told very mechanical towards customers which is true but I have gotten to the age (27) to where I don’t think I can physically fake how I feel anymore. At the same time I don’t want to be disliked just because I don’t always look happy but when I talk to my coworkers and family i do actually smile and laugh. I do not if I feel tense socially at work / on edge because of the fact i feel like im disliked. Some people say im “too” serious at work too but I don’t know how to not be serious when im at work because im not in a comfortable headspace and im in the public eye.

That being said I noticed im treated differently compared to my coworkers no matter what I do. If im doing better job im still treated less compared to the person doing less. If my performance is not great Im treated even lesser.