u/No-Wing875

how to survive more years in. college with this situation?

I need to vent.

I've read somewhere before, they said "jangan satu bilik dengan your partner or groupmate in assignment", because when things go wrong, it will be complicated. At first, I just ignored that advice because it's too late for me to do anything about it since my bestie is the same with me in everything, like roomate, groupmate, classmate, and all, and I believed that my friendship with her will be just fine...

Until it's not.

Now we're not friends anymore and how do I survive more years being in this suffocating situation? It will be so akward. Feels like don't wanna invest emotionally in college friends anymore. I think people who don't know full story will be siding her sides and honestly I don't wanna explain myself anymore.. But that's not the issue now. Can someone gives any tips how to survive being outcasted/ostracized in the same class for more years to go? Don't have anyone to talk about this. So thanks..

How do you guys move on from friendship breakup? me and my bestie had broken up our unhealthy friendship weeks ago and my grieve is up and down. There's time where I was okay, there's time where I ruminate if everything is my fault, and everything, again. I feel lonely. I deactivated all social media accounts, not because I'm depressed, but because I need to heal without distractions. I went out with other friends, they do care about me, but it's. still feel hollow inside. Like part of me is...too empty and silence. and there's another time where I feel like people don't really care about me because it's all just surfave level. What do I do? I need help.

I'm going to be a teacher one day and I just wanna know what kind of teacher that makes you feel inspired of and respect/like towards them when you're in school?

I'm scared to go to college again after this sem break end, it will be 3rd year of me being outcasted in the class. Or so what I thought. FYI, our class will be the same until 5 years so it's been hell for me, that's what I felt internally. I had one best friend since day 1 of college before, we're so close to the point of enmeshment. And 2 years being her roomate and seatmate and all, I lost my identity and myself. I'm her emotional caretaker, I predict her moods before she ever do something and she said "we know each other too well". To be honest, I just wanna vomit because I don't even know myself. I'm scared to be myself around her, I'm always anxious and feel sick but she makes me feels choosen and remembered. Altough, even with her, I feel lonely and looking for a way out for a better friendship. But it's just...I feel ungrateful. Yes I people please, Yes, I fawn, way too much.

Recently, she broke our friendship and walk away as if I'm the villain. I admit I make a lot of mistakes for 2 years I known her and she also make mistakes but it's not fair she blamed everything on me when in friendship there's no only one side who's wrong. She walked away, wanting to start a new life like she's "freed" from me, which making my guilt even more strong. I'm trying to heal from whatever this is. I wanna try to make new connection. But I feel like finding new connection is too late now that no one In class wanna be my friends anymore. Maybe she's right. I'm too much.

I did some self reflects. Maybe it's because I'm too quiet in class. or maybe because I'm akward and don't have any topics to talk about. or maybe they find me boring and all. I always have problems making friends since kids but most of my friends from highschool that stay until now are the ones who think alike like me, I'm someone who think and feels deeply and they usually people who accepts me for all my uniqueness and niche and all. But. maybe I'm the one who's wrong after all. Maybe I'm too weird. Or too rude.? my ex bestie always said "you ask too much questions" when I'm just curious and since that on I shut up. I never raised my hand in class anymore because it shoot something deep in my personality.

Living with her really makes me feels like everything I've been doing is wrong. Like I need to fix myself everytime. "Communication" with her didn't bring nowhere and I realize she has this covert narcissist behaviour, tough, I don't wanna give her that title since it's just my suspicion, not diagnosed or what. But that's true. She's so liked by everyone around.

If you wanna know her, she's a soft girl, very sensitive, so stylish and trendy, perfectionist, very pretty to the point I'm not shocked anymore if every week new guy likes her. I'm used to be their "midle person" anyways. Back to the story, she's just perfect. And I feel like I'm going crazy to even feel this way and I can't even articulate what I'm feeling.

Anyone wants to be friends with her, they're inspired by her, just like me in the beginning. But now I just feel numb with her. That's what makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. So I isolated myself. I don't know anymore, maybe I'm the one who's wrong in everything. and I don't have the confident to reconnect with new people anymore because I'm scared of making mistakes again, of being weird, and a menace to the society. I need to be fixed.

But what I know now, I need to heal and find myself again. Yes I joined clubs and all to make myself less lonely. but it's not the same when you still need to face them everyday. So I still need to know. How do I survive more years before graduation, feeling lonely and outcasted in the same classroom? I don't feel like I deserve any friend. I'm just weird.

I don't know what am I doing. Or why am I feeling this way. I'm always empty inside, since I was a kid, there must be something I'm not satisfied with. Or maybe, I'm just not grateful...?

I remembered when I was only kid, my life is just happy and all that. And when my younger sister was born, all is fine. I'm excited because people are excited. Think everything will be fine. Then my parents, especially my dad, start having favouritism on her and enabled all her bad behaviours until growing up. He's joking "I love her more." and as a kid myself that time, I don't think it's a joke at all. I'm not close to my parents anymore since then, I despise her so much, I grow up to have resentment towards everything. I used to be close to my parents but since then, I stopped being the happiest go lucky kid they all know. And the relatives keep asking why. I can't even answer myself.

Growing up, I'm desperate for friends validation. Because at home I have no one who gets me, my friends are the important ones in my life. Number 1 before my parents. My parents they won't listen to my stories, they just want to listen to reply. And then condemn for nothing. So I stopped talking and pivot. At school back then, I'm still a quiet kid, I hardly makes friend but once I got one, I'm fiercely loyal to the point of I would do anything for them. And everything goes well. I got my first bestie at 7, we be friends for years and she left me for another friend group when we're 11. We've been best friends for 5 years, and she left me just like that. No closure no whatsoever. I was left alone, people who knows we're always together always ask "where's her?". I don't know. I think that's the catalyst of my first depression era. It's the confirmation of every things I've been thinking about myself that "I'm never enough." and "I don't deserve love."

In highschool, I got one new bestie again. Idk what kind of pattern is this, but the early friendship always all fairytale and intense happiness like "we're going to be soulmates" feelings. Me and my bestie both felt it. Not only me. The happiness is real. We fit each other too much, understand each other without needing to talk. And then the friendship becomes toxic.

3 years being her bestie, I can't take it anymore. There's a lot of things I resent about her, that my immature self tend to vent my feelings to mutual friends, because I just wanna be understood that time. It was hard. Everyone loves her. Maybe because of her quirky personality, she's someone who's fun to be around. But being long enough to see every sides of her, I know her darksides. So I hate her. I resented her for many things and walked away from the friendship after many unread letters that I gave to her. I heard from a mutual friend, she torn all the letter and throw it into rubbish bin. When I walked away from the friendship, my second depression era began. This time, it was intense. This was the time I really am not myself anymore, I've changed, and I hurt myself. My parents saw the changes but can't do anything. They're concern, asking about my skin but I'm too tired to explain. Friendship breakup is the worst. After me the one who walked away from her, I just hope that she got his karma. But waiting for her karma, I'm just torturing myself. Mind you everyone, I'm still an immature teenage that time. So I'm so sorry for acting that way. But she really made me feel miserable, to the point that I DON'T WANNA GO TO THE SCHOOL BCS I FEEL LIKE I WANNA VOMIT. I wanna blame her for everything that happened to me.

Just after leaving her behind, I got better friends. They treat me better, understand me. I think I got what I want. The friendship group that always include me like their second family. But the heaviness in my chest weighen me down everytime I see her, pass by her, or even heard someone mentioning her name. I can't explain what's the feeling I'm feeling. Heavy. Sad. Yet I don't want her anymore. I just want the version of us that didn't exist anymore. Maybe, I started to learn grieve that time. I really don't understand. Even with better friends, 5x better than her, that I can learn how to smile again, my heart is still heavy with unsaid needs.

(Recent) In college, the cycle started again. I met my friend of "day 1" and we're so close again because we had fun with each other. We romanticized this friendship together, and months later we always fight. It's not loud. Yet it's the most painful in silence. Years it's still like that. We learn how to "communicate", learned how to tolerate each other and understand each other's flaws, but the more I'm with her, the more I lost myself. I yearned for the group of friendship when I looked at my other classmates. I wanna be happy like them. Why can't I be happy like them? My bestie here choose me everyday and always remember me. But why do I still feel...lost and lonely? Maybe I just missed my highschool friend group. Maybe I'm just grieving. Or maybe I'm just not grateful after all.

And now, if you read my previous post, my latest bestie breakup with me. She walked away first, telling me we're very different in personalities and that she said "I'm sorry if you think I'm the one who's wrong". It's my last straw. She's always like that. Always will insert passive aggressive thingy in everything she did with me. I know she resented a lot of things about me too, since the communication didn't work anymore. It's more to the race of misunderstandings. And I think, there's no point of holding onto thinning thread anymore. It's time to cut it loose and clean. So I accepted it. I replied to her shortly, base on whatever she said in her note. I just replied to her neutrally, I don't think it's a proper closure from both of us, but atleast we know where we're standing. I told her we need space because this friendship is not healthy anymore and stopped us from growing. I know I contributed to a lot of heartaches in this friendship, same goes to her. But I really can't take myself to apologize properly when she already see me as the villain in her story. So that's it. Enough is enough.

So, I'm used to being lonely. I'm used to eat alone, standing alone awkwardly, do anything and people look at me pitifully, to the point now it's just part of me. I enjoy my solitude now, but my heaviness in the heart still didn't fade. I got to learn about myself again, about what I like, etc, but I looked back in the past with a lot of 'what ifs." I know I'm the one who's wrong too, so that's why I need to heal myself first and fix myself before loving someone again. But-

No matter how much you're used to live in hell, you still yearn to get out of here. So do me. I don't want to be lonely forever like this. Why am I like this.? Why do everything I do feels lonely and heavy. How do I get out of here.? Loving myself? What's the point of it if I feel numb and can't feel the happiness in the present.? In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, my biggest problem is the love and belonging. Is there something wrong with me.? Why can't I feel belong anywhere.? Am I actually a bad person? Am I actually narcissist and don't deserve what I want? I don't wanna sounds like her. But please. I just want to belong. I've tried already to fill the water in my cup, I control myself to have some dignity to not be desperate for other people's validation and connection. But I'm still a human. I'm gonna say here. I want to belong. Somewhere. Please.