u/NoNectarine419

I’m a SF worker for an agent. I was offered 45k for salary which seemed like a lot at time. However I have to pay for my own heath and investments. If I used 10k of my salary for that, it only leaves me with 35k before taxes. Which after taxes is not enough to actually live off…
I’m 70% service and 30% sales. I haven’t gotten health insurance yet because everyone is around $300-$500 for a plan… especially if I want to invest in a HSA to help pay for deductibles. This kind of leaves me with nothing to invest in for retirement. I have a lot of medical problems and need to have a decently low deductible. Roughly 8k-9k I guess.. which if I do the treatments I need I’ll already hit my deductible. I’m worried and starting to think this wasn’t a good idea to go with. I was recently at a job where I had all those benefits and my insurance was only $150 a month…. Plus with 401k I was paying roughly $300 a month. I was hourly at my last job in a mortgage field making $20.70 hr 40 hrs a week and over time open pretty often. I only left because the drive was really far and I couldn’t keep doing it.
I know if I keep selling and try to get more commissions it would help with paying out the difference but we aren’t a high sales office. It’s only me here and my agent.
Keep in mind I’m a new insurance rep I just got licensed so I assume my pay is based off entry level. I’m unsure if I’ll get more money down the line, however when I see other job offers it shows 55k salary…

Any thoughts ???

I 25F went no contact with my dad a year ago.
I felt a realization before I did it.
I feel like I can go on and on about the stories or things that were said or reactions made.
But in reality, it was a single picture where everything just made

A few years ago we had a family get together. My dad, grandma , brother and his daughter were taking a picture together. I looked at them and thought to myself …. “I wish I can be in that picture” my grandma says loudly “I want my family in it” doesn’t ask me to join doesn’t look at me. The reason why she said that was because she could tell that I was going to ask but put the stop to it right there by saying that. She simply did not want me in the picture or else she would have ask.

My dad made that photo his lock screen. It was honestly a very beautiful picture of them. It did hurt a little in the beginning with me not being in it. I would often wonder why she’d make that statement. “I want my family in it” that’s my brother too.. my dad… my grandma… my little niece. That my internal family. I could see if my aunts were taking pictures together with there husband and kids but that wasn’t the case.

Then one day my dad says “this is a great picture I wish you were in it..” then it just hit me .. like a brick. I could only think “ it’s because you didn’t want me in it” is what I thought to myself. But I didn’t say that of course I just said something small like “yeah it’s a nice picture… me too.”

I felt as if i was a bystander in my own family, and it was true. They always praised my brother so much. I tried so hard to be seen in there eyes, but no matter what it was never enough.

I got good grades- in fact A’s and occasionally a B. I got glowing letters from teachers sent to my mom. I competed in culinary competitions in high school placed a few times in 3rd and 2nd place. But did anyone come? No. Did anyone congratulate me when I did well in school?
No, but my teacher did. Who took me to these competitions…

Instead I got the same comment. “you go to a lower end school. I bet if you were in your brother’s school you wouldn’t do as good” he didn’t go to some high end school. In fact he was failing all of his classes and only cared about sports. He later got expelled from that school for having s*x in the parking lot… he had to finish high school at an alternative school.

And me? I went to college and was on the deans list. I scored scholarships that paid for everything. But no one cared when I was doing well. There was always a negative comment.

So yes. When my dad made that comment about the picture, and all I could feel was. You didn’t want me in it.
It wasn’t just a picture - it was more.
It was the picture of family, and at that moment was when I realized it wasn’t the picture they didn’t want me in. It was the family.

Since then it’s been a year since my dad and I last spoke. The last messages were 2 from my dad and that was all. When a week went by I wondered if he’d reach out, call , or be worried if I was hurt or something.
Instead I got silence. I just wanted to see if he cared, to feel something. Some sort of love or affection.

Since then, it’s been 1 yr no contact with my dad, 5 yrs no contact with my mom.
I also don’t speak with my other family. If they call id answer, however nothing comes through.

I just feel no pain, I miss them in my head.
So is it possible to feel nothing at all?