WTF is wrong with me? I may have figured it out a little…
**TL;DR:** I know this man lied to me, cheated on me, manipulated me, and treated me terribly. Logically, I know I should hate him. But I can’t stop thinking about him. I think I’m grieving not just him, but the fact that I was completely wrong about someone I trusted. Has anyone else struggled more with accepting who someone really was than with losing the relationship itself?
In another post here, someone suggested finding your ex’s “ick” to help stop craving them.
You’d think the lying and cheating during the first six months would’ve been enough.
He always claimed he “didn’t think we were that serious” or “didn’t know what we were.” Except…we had very clear conversations about monogamy. I told him I wasn’t interested in dating someone sleeping with other people, and I told him I found high body counts unattractive. We both knew the relationship was casual and probably temporary, but that didn’t mean my boundaries disappeared. He agreed to them.
He still broke them.
He broke my heart more than once. I almost never cry over relationships, but I cried twice because of him last year. One time I questioned a story that didn’t add up, and instead of reassuring me, he blew the whole thing up and eventually ended the relationship because I dared question him…after he’d already cheated on me.
And somehow…I’m still thinking about him constantly.
I even got a notification that he joined another messaging app. My brain immediately went, “Why would someone with a history of cheating need disappearing messages?” Maybe that’s unfair, maybe it isn’t, but that’s where my mind goes now.
I think what I’m really struggling with isn’t just missing him.
It’s accepting that I completely misjudged him.
I want to believe I made a good choice. I want to believe I gave my heart to someone who deserved it instead of someone who conned me.
I’m smart. I’m careful. I’m incredibly selective about who I let into my life. I don’t fall easily.
I did my homework. He’s successful, respected professionally, intelligent. I never expected someone like that to be emotionally immature, dishonest, selfish, and so cold. He told me he’d never hurt me or disrespect me.
Then he did both.
I gave him everything I naturally bring into a relationship: attention, affection, emotional support, kindness, thoughtfulness. I never expected everything to be perfectly equal, but there was never real reciprocity. Not in his words. Not in his actions. Not in his effort.
I wasn’t just lied to.
I was used.
Yes, we were upfront that this started casually. But *he* asked me to be his girlfriend. I made it crystal clear I wanted monogamy. He agreed.
There were warning signs. Looking back, I can see them now. But I’d never dated anyone like him before. I genuinely didn’t know people could operate this way.
I think that’s what hurts the most.
I can’t believe someone looked at a good person who genuinely cared about them and decided to use them anyway.
I keep asking myself why I stayed after I noticed the inconsistency. Why I kept giving someone the benefit of the doubt when they weren’t giving me basic honesty. Why I ignored the feeling that something wasn’t right.
And why am I still crying over someone who probably isn’t crying over me?
I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved him.
I’ve also never been treated so badly by someone I loved.
Those two truths existing together have completely broken my brain.
I think I’m grieving the version of him I believed existed. I can’t reconcile that person with the one who lied so easily, cheated, discarded me, and walked away without much apparent remorse.
I don’t surround myself with people like that. I’m incredibly picky about who gets my time and energy. So realizing that I completely missed someone’s character has shaken my confidence in my own judgment.
Now I feel like I’ll never fully trust anyone again.
I get hit on all the time, and I don’t want anyone near me. Maybe there are wonderful people out there. Rationally, I know there probably are. Emotionally, I feel like this one person poisoned dating for me.
I learned so many painful lessons because of him.
And somehow…
I still wish I’d see a message from him.
Sometimes I wish I could erase him from my memory entirely.
I wish I could hate him. I wish my heart would catch up with what my brain already knows.
Instead, I find myself grieving someone who may never have actually existed.
If you ever read this, J…
You have no idea what being with you did to me.
Not because you left.
Because of how you left.
Because of the lies. Because of the manipulation. Because you made me question my own instincts and my ability to trust people.
You are the most damaging person I’ve ever had a close relationship with.
You never gave honesty a real chance. Everything revolved around protecting yourself and getting what you wanted.
Oddly enough, despite everything, I don’t just feel anger.
I feel pity.
Because I don’t think people become this emotionally detached for no reason. Somewhere along the way, something taught you that vulnerability was dangerous and that using people was safer than loving them.
I think there probably is a version of you that wants genuine connection.
But every time it gets close, you bury it.
You build another wall.
You choose self-protection over honesty.
And in doing that, you don’t just hurt everyone around you.
You slowly become someone incapable of receiving the very love you keep pretending you don’t need.