I am now 6 mos pp with a beautiful baby boy! Unfortunately I am unable to be a full time SAHM due to our finances. My parents live 10 minutes away and my mom watches our baby on the 2.5 days I work during the week. In general we spend a lot of time with my family because again they live super close by, watch baby throughout the week, we attend church together and I’m just very close with my family! I’ve been having a difficult time with my in laws since even before I had baby. They have not visited for the past 3 months (the longest stretch since I’ve had baby) because my MIL sobbed to my DH about me staying home with baby instead of going to work after a long night of cluster feeding. Since then I have felt really gross and uncomfortable around MIL. It made me feel very uncomfortable and unwanted. Now the in laws are coming in next Thursday to visit for the weekend - they will stay with BIL who lives 15 mins away from us. (I’m sure DH will want them to stay with us for a night but that’s not happening.) we have not had anyone stay with us since having baby and it really overwhelms me not to have any privacy. I finally have a good schedule with baby and he is sleeping well. I asked my husband to “be my advocate and let us be a team” when his parents visit next weekend and he told me he can’t because “he has to advocate for his parents because I’m so disrespectful to them”. I asked him how I’m disrespectful? He informed me that not letting them hold our baby when he is fussy or crying is unfair to them. He says it’s also not fair that I don’t trust his parents to walk around while holding our baby… his parents are the age of my grandparents (80 yrs) and have had multiple recent frequent falls…. Am I crazy for having different boundaries for my parents versus my in laws who live 1000+ miles away and are also 20+ yrs older?

It has been suggested to me to share this here! How do I approach this conversation w my husband without him getting defensive and making things worse??

My husband is the youngest of three siblings—a surprise baby born when his mother was 45 and his father was 50. We’ve been married for nearly four years and recently had our first child. This is the first grandchild for both of our families.

We live five minutes from my parents, whom we are very close with; my mother watches the baby while I work. We attend church with my parents weekly as well as have supper with them throughout the week. My in-laws, on the other hand, live across the country. Before the baby was born, we typically saw them about once every six months. Since the birth, they have visited monthly, staying with other local family members.

My mother-in-law (MIL) has always been kind to me, though not necessarily warm. She never made much effort to build a relationship with me outside of being her son’s wife. In fact, throughout our four years of marriage, I was never invited to her home state or introduced to her extended family—until I was heavily pregnant with their first grandchild. During my third trimester, we flew out for a baby shower MIL organized with her side of the family. My doctor cleared me to fly, but it was -25°F and miserable. While everyone was polite, I couldn't shake the feeling that I hadn't truly been accepted into the family until I became pregnant.

Our baby was born healthy, but due to minor complications, he spent his first few days in the NICU. He was discharged on a Sunday, and MIL flew in from across the country to visit by Tuesday. Although it felt overbearing of me, I simply asked that she shower and change clothes after traveling before visiting us; she obliged. Two days later, my father-in-law (FIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) arrived as well, and I made the same request, which they also honored.

That visit quickly became tense. My husband put immense pressure on me to let his parents act as "grandparents." As a new, hormonal postpartum mom healing from a delivery tear and struggling to navigate breastfeeding with a house full of near-strangers, I felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Rather than supporting me, my husband was playing Mario Kart with his sister, leaving me to act as a host—brewing coffee and catering to my father-in-law. I still hold a lot of resentment toward my husband for how that visit played out. After the fact, I was informed by my husband that I’d come off as “unwelcoming” to his family and he asked me to try harder next time.

By MIL’s third visit, things seemed to improve. It was just her this time, and we spent a full day together with the baby. She opened up to me, sharing that her own parents were uninvolved with her children and that her in-laws had passed away before her kids were born. I realized she had never experienced having grandparents around, let alone being a grandparent or a mother-in-law herself. It was a genuine heart-to-heart, and when she left that evening, I felt like we were finally on the same page.

The following morning, I was supposed to work. After being up all night with the baby, I was completely exhausted and told my husband at 6:00 AM that I couldn't go in. He was understanding. However, while I was getting our day started, he got on the phone with MIL—who began sobbing because I was staying home, ruining her plans to have a day alone with her son and grandson.

Immediately, my husband’s demeanor toward me turned cold and standoffish. He asked if I had plans to leave the house. I explained I was exhausted, planned to nap, and promised to stay out of their way. Over the phone, he offered to take MIL and the baby to the zoo. I immediately stepped in and said, "No, you will not." The zoo was a milestone experience I had been eagerly waiting to share together as a family alongside our close friends—not to mention how unfair it felt to exclude my parents, who help raise our baby daily, in favor of an out-of-town guest.
My husband hung up, claiming it was just the first idea that popped into his head. I went upstairs to sleep after asking him to wake me when the baby was hungry so I could nurse. Around 12:30 PM, he woke me up saying the baby refused his bottle and was still hungry. When I walked downstairs, the baby was in MIL’s lap; as soon as he saw me, his face lit up. I took him, he calmed down immediately, and he began nursing.

MIL immediately looked dejected. She got up, put on her shoes, and announced she was going for a walk. My husband joined her with the dog. When they returned, I handed the baby back to MIL and went upstairs to take a bath and clean for three hours—trying to give her the space she wanted, despite how hard it was to be separated from my baby.

At dinner, my husband invited MIL to ride in my car without asking me first. Exhausted and stressed, I ordered a glass of wine at the restaurant just to cope. Afterward, MIL insisted on taking pictures of the three of us; she took a dozen photos, but when I asked her to send them to me, she only sent a single one.

The next afternoon, my father-in-law called my husband to "educate" him on the risks of postpartum depression and anxiety, reporting that MIL was deeply upset by how "unwelcoming" I had been.

My husband then asked me if scheduling more frequent visits would help the situation. I told him absolutely not. He of course was offended by how fast I retorted that.

I want my son to have a relationship with his paternal grandparents, but at what point does it cost me my own mental health? Or possibly my marriage?

My husband is the youngest of three siblings—a surprise baby born when his mother was 45 and his father was 50. We’ve been married for nearly four years and recently had our first child. This is the first grandchild for both of our families.

We live five minutes from my parents, whom we are very close with; my mother watches the baby while I work. We attend church with my parents weekly as well as have supper with them throughout the week. My in-laws, on the other hand, live across the country. Before the baby was born, we typically saw them about once every six months. Since the birth, they have visited monthly, staying with other local family members.

My mother-in-law (MIL) has always been kind to me, though not necessarily warm. She never made much effort to build a relationship with me outside of being her son’s wife. In fact, throughout our four years of marriage, I was never invited to her home state or introduced to her extended family—until I was heavily pregnant with their first grandchild. During my third trimester, we flew out for a baby shower MIL organized with her side of the family. My doctor cleared me to fly, but it was -25°F and miserable. While everyone was polite, I couldn't shake the feeling that I hadn't truly been accepted into the family until I became pregnant.

Our baby was born healthy, but due to minor complications, he spent his first few days in the NICU. He was discharged on a Sunday, and MIL flew in from across the country to visit by Tuesday. Although it felt overbearing of me, I simply asked that she shower and change clothes after traveling before visiting us; she obliged. Two days later, my father-in-law (FIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) arrived as well, and I made the same request, which they also honored.

That visit quickly became tense. My husband put immense pressure on me to let his parents act as "grandparents." As a new, hormonal postpartum mom healing from a delivery tear and struggling to navigate breastfeeding with a house full of near-strangers, I felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Rather than supporting me, my husband was playing Mario Kart with his sister, leaving me to act as a host—brewing coffee and catering to my father-in-law. I still hold a lot of resentment toward my husband for how that visit played out. After the fact, I was informed by my husband that I’d come off as “unwelcoming” to his family and he asked me to try harder next time.

By MIL’s third visit, things seemed to improve. It was just her this time, and we spent a full day together with the baby. She opened up to me, sharing that her own parents were uninvolved with her children and that her in-laws had passed away before her kids were born. I realized she had never experienced having grandparents around, let alone being a grandparent or a mother-in-law herself. It was a genuine heart-to-heart, and when she left that evening, I felt like we were finally on the same page.

The following morning, I was supposed to work. After being up all night with the baby, I was completely exhausted and told my husband at 6:00 AM that I couldn't go in. He was understanding. However, while I was getting our day started, he got on the phone with MIL—who began sobbing because I was staying home, ruining her plans to have a day alone with her son and grandson.

Immediately, my husband’s demeanor toward me turned cold and standoffish. He asked if I had plans to leave the house. I explained I was exhausted, planned to nap, and promised to stay out of their way. Over the phone, he offered to take MIL and the baby to the zoo. I immediately stepped in and said, "No, you will not." The zoo was a milestone experience I had been eagerly waiting to share together as a family alongside our close friends—not to mention how unfair it felt to exclude my parents, who help raise our baby daily, in favor of an out-of-town guest.
My husband hung up, claiming it was just the first idea that popped into his head. I went upstairs to sleep after asking him to wake me when the baby was hungry so I could nurse. Around 12:30 PM, he woke me up saying the baby refused his bottle and was still hungry. When I walked downstairs, the baby was in MIL’s lap; as soon as he saw me, his face lit up. I took him, he calmed down immediately, and he began nursing.

MIL immediately looked dejected. She got up, put on her shoes, and announced she was going for a walk. My husband joined her with the dog. When they returned, I handed the baby back to MIL and went upstairs to take a bath and clean for three hours—trying to give her the space she wanted, despite how hard it was to be separated from my baby.

At dinner, my husband invited MIL to ride in my car without asking me first. Exhausted and stressed, I ordered a glass of wine at the restaurant just to cope. Afterward, MIL insisted on taking pictures of the three of us; she took a dozen photos, but when I asked her to send them to me, she only sent a single one.

The next afternoon, my father-in-law called my husband to "educate" him on the risks of postpartum depression and anxiety, reporting that MIL was deeply upset by how "unwelcoming" I had been.

My husband then asked me if scheduling more frequent visits would help the situation. I told him absolutely not. He of course was offended by how fast I retorted that.

I want my son to have a relationship with his paternal grandparents, but at what point does it cost me my own mental health? Or possibly my marriage?

My husband is the youngest of three siblings—a surprise baby born when his mother was 45 and his father was 50. We’ve been married for nearly four years and recently had our first child. This is the first grandchild for both of our families.

We live five minutes from my parents, whom we are very close with; my mother watches the baby while I work. We attend church with my parents weekly as well as have supper with them throughout the week. My in-laws, on the other hand, live across the country. Before the baby was born, we typically saw them about once every six months. Since the birth, they have visited monthly, staying with other local family members.

My mother-in-law (MIL) has always been kind to me, though not necessarily warm. She never made much effort to build a relationship with me outside of being her son’s wife. In fact, throughout our four years of marriage, I was never invited to her home state or introduced to her extended family—until I was heavily pregnant with their first grandchild. During my third trimester, we flew out for a baby shower MIL organized with her side of the family. My doctor cleared me to fly, but it was -25°F and miserable. While everyone was polite, I couldn't shake the feeling that I hadn't truly been accepted into the family until I became pregnant.

Our baby was born healthy, but due to minor complications, he spent his first few days in the NICU. He was discharged on a Sunday, and MIL flew in from across the country to visit by Tuesday. Although it felt overbearing of me, I simply asked that she shower and change clothes after traveling before visiting us; she obliged. Two days later, my father-in-law (FIL) and sister-in-law (SIL) arrived as well, and I made the same request, which they also honored.

That visit quickly became tense. My husband put immense pressure on me to let his parents act as "grandparents." As a new, hormonal postpartum mom healing from a delivery tear and struggling to navigate breastfeeding with a house full of near-strangers, I felt overwhelmed and uncomfortable. Rather than supporting me, my husband was playing Mario Kart with his sister, leaving me to act as a host—brewing coffee and catering to my father-in-law. I still hold a lot of resentment toward my husband for how that visit played out. After the fact, I was informed by my husband that I’d come off as “unwelcoming” to his family and he asked me to try harder next time.

By MIL’s third visit, things seemed to improve. It was just her this time, and we spent a full day together with the baby. She opened up to me, sharing that her own parents were uninvolved with her children and that her in-laws had passed away before her kids were born. I realized she had never experienced having grandparents around, let alone being a grandparent or a mother-in-law herself. It was a genuine heart-to-heart, and when she left that evening, I felt like we were finally on the same page.

The following morning, I was supposed to work. After being up all night with the baby, I was completely exhausted and told my husband at 6:00 AM that I couldn't go in. He was understanding. However, while I was getting our day started, he got on the phone with MIL—who began sobbing because I was staying home, ruining her plans to have a day alone with her son and grandson.

Immediately, my husband’s demeanor toward me turned cold and standoffish. He asked if I had plans to leave the house. I explained I was exhausted, planned to nap, and promised to stay out of their way. Over the phone, he offered to take MIL and the baby to the zoo. I immediately stepped in and said, "No, you will not." The zoo was a milestone experience I had been eagerly waiting to share together as a family alongside our close friends—not to mention how unfair it felt to exclude my parents, who help raise our baby daily, in favor of an out-of-town guest.
My husband hung up, claiming it was just the first idea that popped into his head. I went upstairs to sleep after asking him to wake me when the baby was hungry so I could nurse. Around 12:30 PM, he woke me up saying the baby refused his bottle and was still hungry. When I walked downstairs, the baby was in MIL’s lap; as soon as he saw me, his face lit up. I took him, he calmed down immediately, and he began nursing.

MIL immediately looked dejected. She got up, put on her shoes, and announced she was going for a walk. My husband joined her with the dog. When they returned, I handed the baby back to MIL and went upstairs to take a bath and clean for three hours—trying to give her the space she wanted, despite how hard it was to be separated from my baby.

At dinner, my husband invited MIL to ride in my car without asking me first. Exhausted and stressed, I ordered a glass of wine at the restaurant just to cope. Afterward, MIL insisted on taking pictures of the three of us; she took a dozen photos, but when I asked her to send them to me, she only sent a single one.

The next afternoon, my father-in-law called my husband to "educate" him on the risks of postpartum depression and anxiety, reporting that MIL was deeply upset by how "unwelcoming" I had been.

My husband then asked me if scheduling more frequent visits would help the situation. I told him absolutely not. He of course was offended by how fast I retorted that.

I want my son to have a relationship with his paternal grandparents, but at what point does it cost me my own mental health? Or possibly my marriage?