u/Novel-Rabbit8914

From what I have read, God is love itself. That is why selfless love is the greatest virtue, surpassing even faith and hope for it is everlasting. The devil is incapable of love, nor can he grant the very essence (love) of the Divine Creator on to another.

And so, If I am gay, and I feel selfless love for another man, does this mean that my love does not come from God but the devil? How then can the devil grant me the ability to selfless love another man if it is against his very nature?

I did not choose to be gay. I did not wake up one day and decided "30 minutes from now, Ill be gay". Being gay was not something I couldnt control, just as you cannot control being heterosexual. I spent years trying to correct my ways, but nothing came out of it - I am still gay. Also, God can see the future - that I will become gay, will try to not be gay, and fail. Does that mean he still breathed life into me knowing I was doomed from the very start? Why?

What sin have I ever committed as a kid to deserve being gay, to be denied the right to love, and be loved? Is God being unjustly cruel, that he allows most to partake in his very essence, but deny it to some of us?

Not sure how it happened. I recall, I just needed a person to hang out with that time, since all my other friends were unavailable. In the days that followed, every time our classes ended, you'd wait for me by the classroom door, like I was now required to hang out with you and not with my friends. I went along with it, new friends can't be bad. And besides, maybe you needed a friend too. I honestly thought I was being charitable. This even after a few weeks, I just merely thought of you as an acquaintance, nothing more. Not even a friend.

Several months later, you introduced me to one of your friends, and you told that friend how you easily lose track of time when you're with me. I immediately looked at you in surprise, and something warm boiled in my heart. Guilt maybe, because while I considered you nothing more but an acquaintance, to you I was already a friend. From then on out, I decided to call you a friend. Those were my reservations - it took a while before I promote someone from acquaintance to friend.

As the months went by, we started hanging out a lot. I probably hanged out with you more than my other friends You were already a very good friend then. In fact I already started referring to you as my best friend. But to be honest, I believe I there was probably something more than just platonic with my feelings, which is unusual, because I already decided the first time we met that you weren't even my type. That said, I always looked forward to your text messages during the weekends, like we seldom saw each other, when it fact we basically spent all of our weekends together. "See you at 10 am". We'd just hang out, talk about nonsense, go to the mall, eat, play computer games, Just the two of us. And we only parted only when it got dark. To me you started to look very handsome. Your imposing shadow made my heart flutter, and your presence made my spirit smiled. I was in love for real, for the first time.

And by the second year of college, you found a girlfriend. She was nice, pretty. It killed me inside, but I guess I was happy for you in a way. I tried so hard to catch your attention, without making it obvious that I was in love. If I cant have your love, I thought your attention would suffice. We still hanged out, though not as often, so I'm thankful. One time you casually told me you ignore your phone when were together. That sweet gesture almost made my heart jump out of my chest cavity. You had a girlfriend, and funnily I never saw you call or text your girlfriend when were together. But I resigned to the fact that you had a girlfriend.

Sleepless nights for months, bad grades, tardiness. The bitterness of unrequited love was affecting my school performance, so I figured what I was feeling can't possibly be good. And it was futile to pursue my feelings anyway, so I distanced myself from you, slowly, gradually. I started seeing you less on purpose, I just wanted to be weaned off your presence, but I wished my love became lesser too, but it didn't. The distance demoted me from best friend to friend. I forced myself to believe its better this way.

Two years later, you finally graduated a year ahead of me. Relief. I don't have to see you everyday on campus anymore. Your absence from the school reinforced the efforts I had in place to "fall out of love". I'm sure that helped, somewhat. News also reached me that you broke up with your girlfriend. You never told me, like the break up didn't matter. Come to think of it, I don't think the break up even broke your heart. But you were that type, quiet, confident, private.

And finally, my 5th year, and I'm graduating. We stopped seeing each other by then. We are adults now. I immigrated to a different country. The emotional trauma I sustained for loving you changed me dramatically - I started shunning connections, fearful of what it'll do to me. I became shallow. I also started sleeping around a lot. One time I hooked up with 3 men in 1 night. And now we arrive at the present moment. I am now HIV-positive. Last night I stared at your profile on facebook, and I hate that I still love you. I probably will always love you. Its been 15 years since I started loving you. I wish I can tell you, that you were both the first, and last person I loved.

Love,

Your guy best friend.

I messed up. I never failed to pay my dues but I overspent the last 2 years. But just year, I experienced a significant medical event that landed me a 6 month hospital stay, and another 4 months recovering at home. I resigned from work to spare my employer the dilemma of having to decide whether to let me go or not since he couldnt quite figure out what he wanted. Fast forward into the present, I am still without work, and it seems theres no guarantee Ill get a job in the next 5 or 6 months. My checking account is down to its last $18.00 and my CCs are already 3 months past due. I just received an email from BOA today informing me that theyre closing one of my credit lines. Everything just went downhill since I got sick, but thankfully my mom helps me with my rent and food. I feel scared, lost and totally hopeless. Not sure why this happened to me, it cant be karma - I havent crossed anyone my whole life nor do I have enemies. Last time I went to an urgent care to get my blood samples taken for an upcoming medical procedure and I couldnt get out of the building because I couldnt afford to pay for the exit parking meter.... Im really considering bankruptcy but it feels so contrary to what I believe in.

I messed up. I never failed to pay my dues but I overspent the last 2 years. But just year, I experienced a significant medical event that landed me a 6 month hospital stay, and another 4 months recovering at home. I resigned from work to spare my employer the dilemma of having to decide whether to let me go or not since he couldnt quite figure out what he wanted. Fast forward into the present, I am still without work, and it seems theres no guarantee Ill get a job in the next 5 or 6 months. My checking account is down to its last $18.00 and my CCs are already 3 months past due. I just received an email from BOA today informing me that theyre closing one of my credit lines. Everything just went downhill since I got sick, but thankfully my mom helps me with my rent and food. I feel scared, lost and totally hopeless. Not sure why this happened to me, it cant be karma - I havent crossed anyone my whole life nor do I have enemies. Last time I went to an urgent care to get my blood samples taken for an upcoming medical procedure and I couldnt get out of the building because I couldnt afford to pay for the exit parking meter.... Im really considering bankruptcy but it feels so contrary to what I believe in.

Edit: I was making around 90k/year before. My total debt is around $40k

I was admitted in the hospital last year where I stayed for 6 months and another 4 months doing physical therapy so I can walk again. I lost my job because of it and now have $18.00 in my checking account. I tried calling Chase today to try and ask them if I can postpone my dues until 8 or 9 months from now, they referred me to a partner about planning etc. I think it was some credit counseling or something where they offered lowered interest rates but then even with the lowered rates I still can't pay my bills, I explained I have $18.00 bucks left.

Not sure where to go from here with my credit card bills. Do I just ignore the bills? I mean I tried calling and they were of no help.

April of last year, I was in and out of the doctors office. My physician couldn't quite figure out what the problem was; I'd get better, then get sick again. She decided to draw blood for more testing. And then one morning she called "You tested positive for HIV".

I called my boss, told him I was diagnosed with a chronic disease (but I assured him I'll live) and requested permission to leave so I can clear my mind. Drove around Los Angeles to think about things. Felt like I was in a dream. That night I slept soundly, and the next day I have moved on. I embraced my diagnosis fully. I think me being educated (I have a medical background) helped a lot. I know HIV today is manageable, and diabetes is probably worse since it displays symptoms even when managed.

But it doesn't end there - what I in fact had was full-blown AIDS (CD4 count under 100). Add to that pancreatitis, pneumonia, disseminated tuberculosis (a very severe, life-threatening form of tuberculosis), sepsis. I was very, very sick. I ended up in the hospital for 6 months where I then lost my ability to walk. I had about a 50% chance of not making it out alive. But I did, and have since then been cleared by public health (TB management), by physical therapy (so I can walk again), and I am now undetectable.

And now that I am undetectable, HIV is not that bad. In fact some things in my life have improved. My relationships with others are better (I am trying to be a better person). I was the type who'd shoulder everything alone, stay silent and calm before adversities. I was confident in my ability to withstand whatever life threw my way. I never depended on ANYBODY. I didn't need anybody. Everyone can go away and Id survive. I didn't even tell anyone I was in the hospital until the 2nd month. I managed. I said, If I'm going down, I am going down alone. But after recovering, I realized that this is a second chance I cannot afford to squander. I decided to accept myself fully, which then allowed me to accept others. I feel so much happier. All is good.

There is that one lingering question though, how did I get it? I wasn't fond of anal sex. I only had anal sex 4 times in my life, but 3 was unprotected (however I did it with someone I was dating then). Maybe that's just luck. But I do not ponder on it too much. As I have said, all is good.

To conclude, I want to encourage people to be more educated. I think education can help cushion the fall. Some people grieve for a long time after receiving their diagnosis. And while it is okay to loathe yourself, hate yourself, be sad or depressed, remember one thing, most people (if not all) who caught it, have later learned that HIV is not so bad, and you can bet your ass you'll be one of those people. Sure we'd rather not have it, but it's not that bad (at least for me, its not that bad). The world has come a long way. HIV is getting more support. There is much to be optimistic about.