u/Objective-Hyena-6981

im currently going through the worst relapse of my life rn, worse than when i was 13 and got sent away to treatment. i’m 19 now and live by myself and go to university in a different country away from my family who are completely unaware of how badly im doing. i’ve never been one to care about my health. when i was younger it seemed like no matter what i did there was never any tangible damage- my bloodwork was always fine, my heart was fine, everything was fine. i dont think it is anymore. i’ve been having heart palpitations and trouble breathing, my hair is falling out, ive had muscle spasms, weird cramps, and an array of other symptoms pointing to there being an actual problem.

i’m supposed to get bloodwork on monday but im so terrified of the results. either its normal, and i feel invalid again and just continue being miserable, or theres a problem. tbh i dont even know what i will do if theres a problem and i cant make an appointment with my dr until the end of the month. there’s a part of me that hopes my labs are so atrocious they just send me to the hospital and that’s the end of it, but chances are that won’t be the case.

the worst part is i keep delaying the point at which i ask for help. the first weight i told myself i would stop at was many lbs ago. i don’t even feel like i deserve help bc im not that underweight and i don’t want to go to treatment but deep down ik thats what’s best. i’m honestly just scared and mourn the person i could’ve been.

b/ped last night but couldn’t fully p so i took three of the evil pills TWENTY HOURS AGO AND IM STILL SHITTING my whole body hurts i feel disgusting omfg. but it gets worse for multiple reasons: i live in a uni apartment and i share one bathroom with three other girls. i have a calculus 3 exam tmw and I AM IN NO STATE TO DEAL WITH STOKE AND HIS THEOREM. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS??? and i had to skip all my classes today so i didn’t poop my pants.

you would think my dumbass would have learned by now right? WRONG. i also took miralax this morning bc i wanted everything out. if any of u guys see me at shoppers buying more evil poop pills pls just put me out of my misery 💔

i posted on here like five months ago and have gotten substantially worse so now i’m back:

i’m 19 and have had an-r since i was 11. i was hospitalized in the past but i was doing somewhat okay until i started uni last year. now im back to my old ways and honestly im doing worse than ever.

my entire life revolves around food and pacing and it’s like ive been living the same day over and over again. as a way to deal with uni stress i started to b/p and ive wasted so much money on food and humiliate myself in front of my roommates who undoubtedly have heard me throwing up in the bathroom. i used to love learning and i was so passionate about what im studying but now i don’t care at all. i skip most of my lectures bc i can never focus.

what scares me the most is that i know there is no good outcome. there is no end in sight. my mother is coming to visit me next month (i go to uni abroad) and she believes i am fully recovered and she is going to be so disappointed in me. i have to sign a lease for an apartment with my friends but i can’t even do that in good faith when im not sure i will make it through the next year. as it stands now, i see the following possible outcomes:

1. my mother realizes i relapsed when she comes to help me move into the new apartment and forces me to leave uni and come home. all of the effort i put into surviving the last year and maintaining a 4.0 gpa will have been wasted.

2. i have to see my family doctor next month too. she notices and forces me to either go home or to treatment. i’m an international student so i will lose my visa if im not in classes.

3. nobody notices and i continue to get worse indefinitely until i physically cant.

the worst part is that i don’t want to recover my disorder never went away, i just learned to hide it, and it’s become a huge part of who i am. i feel so lost and empty.

idk if anyone actually read this i just felt like yelling into the void