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u/ObligationMurky8716

▲ 0 r/Jokes

A man sits at the bar, as melancholy consumes his face, he laments that he cannot please a woman.

"Free-end," drawls an inebriated man sitting next to him, "I hear ya. Ya start gettin the hang of things then ya just start jackhammerin' like you struck oil. Theenk about it like dis. You gots two dimes, a quota, an a buck?"

Yeah, I got change.

K, see, next time youn ya ol lady lay down, ya put da dime on each side uh yo hip and the quota on da small part uh yo derr-ee-err, and slide that dolla between yo t'ies and squeeze dat bad boy. Then you do the rhythm: left, right, back, thrust: dime, dime, quota, dolla. dime, dime, quota dolla. Keep it nice n slow, smooth as butta, and she'll love you forevah.

The man considers his neighbor's words as he finishes his beer. He pays his tab, turning out his pockets of all but what he needed, made change for a paper dollar, and got in his cab.

The next night, he invites his girlfriend over, cooks up a meal (she's a chef, that's not really important to the joke but they love it when you cook anything for them. literally fucking anything), and they start settling into a little netflix when she suggests they start heading towards the bedroom. Our man excuses himself to the bathroom to wash up and takes his opportunity to prepare his purse, so to speak. Lights out, he climbs into bed, and begins his normal routine to disappointing feedback. Slowly, and smooth as butter, he begins the motions. Dime, dime, quarter, dollar.

Oh, that did something. He continues. Dime, dime, quarter, dollar. She moans.

Left dime, right dime, quarter, dollar. Left dime, left dime, quarter dollar. Her nails sink into his back. His grip tightens on her buttocks and her nails release as he begins to thrust, BUCK-FORTY-FIVE! BUCK-FORTY-FIVE! BUCK-FORTY-FIVE!

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u/ObligationMurky8716 — 6 days ago
▲ 69 r/submarines

After bringing the ship to PD, the Dive looks at the OOD and says, "Have a nice day, son"

OOD grumbles back, don't call me son you're not my dad. Dive replies, no but I did raise you.

After clearing the SSIXS broadcast and going deep, Dive looks back at OOD again and says, "I'm sorry."

"Because you thought you were my dad?" OOD asks him.

"No, son, because I let you down."

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u/ObligationMurky8716 — 7 days ago
▲ 3.9k r/BPDmemes+1 crossposts

[Sisyphus Trope] True redemption is impossible, but they're trying anyway

  1. Darth Vader (Star Wars) - Vader turns on the emperor despite knowing there's no going back from the countless atrocities he's committed.

  2. Negan (The Walking Dead) - Negan commits two of the worst acts in the show and then spends the rest of his screen time trying to make up for it by being a good prisoner and a helpful member of post-apocalyptic society. (Specifically, he escapes and uses the opportunity to assassinate the leader of an enemy faction.) Spoiler: There's no making up for it.

  3. Omni-Man (Invincible) - Kills thousands of people (not to mention the people he killed for the almost 1,000 years before we meet him), almost kills his own son, but now wants nothing more than to be forgiven and so is helping the Coalition of Planets wage war against his own people.

  4. Jesse Pinkman (Breaking Bad) - Jesse murders an innocent man in cold blood and tries to sell drugs to a recovery group. He's not proud of these things. He attempts to give all of his money away and quit the life, but nothing's ever that easy.

u/ObligationMurky8716 — 13 days ago