Having a hard time
Hello, I used to be on this sub a lot but I guess somewhat healed? Idk I haven’t posted on here in a while but I need help figuring things out…
I (25f) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (25m) for a year and some months now. We now live together and things were going well for us despite the regular adjustment period of moving in with someone.
Things were going pretty well the past few months. Then recently within the past week or so I’ve been feeling bad, and today haven’t felt great so much so that I’m posting here. My head has not felt fully clear in who knows how long, probably almost a year. It is always going and I hate it. It feels sometimes that if I cut him out, it will be clear again and I can go back to living a regular and stress free life. Sometimes I just want to cry, but then my boyfriend will ask me why I’m crying and then I don’t want to have to explain to him it’s because of this. Sometimes it is just so much to mentally handle. I’m also on my period right now though, but towards the end of it.
He recently began a new job where he leaves at night and I work a regular 9-5, which means I am alone most nights. It’s mostly when I’m sleeping, but different from what I’m used to. So, I guess that would be something. However what really probably did it was my dad. I won’t go into too much detail with my dad, because he is his own case and if I were to unpack it all, I’d have to go to a different sub. I don’t even know what that would be. But, my whole life his approval has been very important to me. I was at work and my dad told me to call him, and when I did, it was to tell me about something my boyfriend did when they were hanging out online. I won’t go into the specifics because it really was nothing, but my dad was amplifying it to make it seem like something negative. My thoughts were “of course something comes up like this. Things have been going too well.” He also told me not to tell my boyfriend to not cause any drama, but I don’t think that made me feel good either. My dad has been notorious of this my whole relationship.
Yesterday I was asking my boyfriend when he plans to propose, half excited and half nervous of him catching my dad on a good day to ask him for my hand (my dad is soooooooo flip floppy with his feelings) because that is something myself and my boyfriend want. Actually, we had discussed before yesterday and I was asking him about it again yesterday.
Today though, just feels weird. Like sometimes it feels like we are just friends and that the romance isn’t always there. Sometimes I wonder if this is really the man I will marry and have kids with, even though I can’t imagine myself being with anyone else. I just haven’t felt the “click” or the relaxation around him recently. I keep track of most things in the home and while he is getting better at pulling weight, sometimes I wonder if I’m just carrying old resentment. Yes, sometimes I wish he was better at waking himself up, but I’m also acting like he hasn’t done anything to improve that when he is. He is always there for me and sometimes I feel so ungrateful when I act like I have to do everything myself, when I really don’t .
I don’t know, I’m just rambling. Although any advice is appreciated because I’m sick of feeling this way. I do love him, at least I think I do and want to.