I took the life I had before for granted and now i’m paying the price…
Where do you go when you’re boxed in? Below is the ground. Around you are walls filled with pressures to succeed, actually fit into what is considered acceptable, be the most positive person in the room, and not run from my problems, all at the same time. The roof is open but i can‘t jump because i’m paralyzed. I didn‘t have everything, but I had a lot. I could take a walk and chase my dogs in my backyards, I could take jogs around my neighborhood, I could play all the sports I love, I could go into the room without being the main point of attention, I could stand at 6’2 and have respect. I could go 3 days without incurring a smell of piss from pissing myself.
What I didn’t have: A girlfriend, The best parents, The best grades, A Porn addiction free life. That’s it. I didn’t have those things and it ate me up. So on May 16th, 2025, at the ripe age of 16 years old 10 months and 1 day, I went into the woods with my dads .22 and the wrong ammo and continued to attempt to blow my brains away. ON THE EDGE OF A 22 FOOT BRIDGE. It didn’t fire properly and i left with a small hole in the roof in my mouth and i swallowed the bullet. If i did this in my backyard, I would’ve been knocked unconscious and fell down onto the ground. 1 month and I would have been fine. Unfortunately, I couldn’t swallow a 22 foot fall onto rocks.
Fast forward to 13 1/2 months later and I’m entering the second year of being fucked completely below the waist for the rest of my days. The real kicker: I still have all of those problems; I still don’t have a girlfriend and have an even lower chance of getting one. I still have a porn addiction, even though I haven’t even had an erection since my attempt. My grades were better my senior year but when you have nobody and nothing else to do, you tend to refocus your priorities. Parent situation may be even worse as my dad treats me like a house dog and wont let me live. I don’t attempt suicide anymore but that’s just due to me being numbed to it all. Suicide is always on my mind yet never on my mind really. If you know the charges that come with being a complete paraplegic, you know the rest. If I dropped dead tomorrow, I wouldn’t give a care in the world. Maybe the people around me, but for me, sweet release. I would die for something, but I often feel like I live for nothing.
The phrases Paraplegia, T-12, Complete Injury were thoughts my mind would have not conjured up prior to my attempt and likely would never have, had i not attempted. I challenge anybody who sees this to cherish what you do have and recognize what you don’t and achieve it because here’s a cliche saying tha is reallll true: you can’t really appreciate what you have until you lose it. I didn’t have much of a roof 14 months ago, but I sure do now.