u/Ok-Book9806

Slight TW, mention of suicidal thoughts

I wrote a long post and deleted it all because the gist of the issue I have is that, if my neighbors upstairs get to “just live”, but that means disturbing my sleep, my work, my peace and quiet because they can’t consciously adjust a couple of truly small things that would not kill them or hurt them, but has had a major impact on my life since they moved in, why is that acceptable? Sleep is important for everyone, but I should not be getting sedatives prescribed just to take the edge off of living in my own home. Searching online is useless, the best I’ve got from that is ordering white noise, so now I basically live with 24/7 tinnitus when I’m at home that still does nothing for the vibrations or thudding that keep me up or wake me up.

In what reality is “use earplugs” sane? Even if I didn’t have sensitive ears, the idea that I’d have to wear earplugs just so I could live in my home? What? Home is supposed to be the place I can relax and feel safe. I don’t. I’m on edge constantly. I’ve started having dreams about how I could try and make this place better, how trying to talk to the same people who call me slurs would go. I hate how much of an impact this all has on me.

And if I could stop being disabled so I could work any sort of job, then I would not be searching Reddit to see people say: get a house! Don’t live in an apartment if you’re not suited to them!

I would already be in a house! I didn’t choose an apartment because I thought it would be fun; I needed a roof over my head. Surely that’s common sense? If I had the money for a house then this post would not exist.

I’m sick and tired and there’s nothing I can do about it. I know I’m already fortunate to be in such a lovely area and I feel bad when I think of truly awful conditions people live in. I’ve lived in houses filled with black mould but at least I didn’t have to worry about whether or not I would be able to sleep when I needed to or not. I wasn’t thinking “well I don’t want to die but what other options do I have?” I already have the best that I can afford, I feel like I’m trapped and trying to live around someone else’s noise that’s probably “reasonable” to many people.

I’m just so tired of all of it.

Whoever makes decisions about houses needs to seriously focus on building them to a standard that don’t drive people insane.

I’m reading a book on CBT and it asked me to write down a ranked list of activities, 1 being less scary, 10 being terrifying. But then it goes on to say ‘…repeating each until… it doesn’t happen’. But my lived experience is why I have that anxiety, repeatedly. I’m worried because I do know the likelihood of shit happening.

There’s also a worry tree but it’s extremely unhelpful to read “can you do something about it?” And the answer being no, and being told to let it go then. I’m disabled and I can’t let go that there are other factors going into why I can’t but still need something!

I’m thinking of scrapping the CBT for now and focusing on ACT. I find myself a bit irritated when the logical answer to each is a problem I’ve already exhausted the options of what I can do to address.

Going through a lot right now and I think reading something where the protagonist is someone I can relate to with the emotions it’s stirring up would help. It needs to be something that’s got a helpful and healthy message that I can take from it positively.

I do already have a couple of self help books on acceptance and cbt but I want something that feels human as well.

I’m looking to get some blinds installed in my living room as I feel like I don’t get enough privacy with just the voile (issues with a couple of neighbours that give me a lot of anxiety about this). The curtains drawn all day makes it depressing in there. I’m struggling to picture how it would look, so would Venetian blinds and the voile used like curtains optimise privacy while still letting a lot of light in while they’re open? I’d keep them a bit angled.

Alternatively, I have a lovely view of the sky in that room but I’m in a downstairs flat with a slight slope from the pavement down to my window so it’s really easy to see in currently. I’d like to see the sunset without having to pull the blinds up. I don’t know much about top down bottom up blinds, or the shutter kinds, but they catch my eye. There are houses right across from there too.

Im renting so don’t want to spend too much (£100 is around the price for Venetian to be fitted I think) in case I find a better place away from the problem neighbours, but that’s unlikely. Any help to getting natural light back in again will be really appreciated! :)

Sort of long so TLDR at the end

I’ve struggled with my mental health for a long time, since childhood really. Long story short after 9 years I went on a medication that only lessened my anxiety and I did some organ damage because the rest of the issues were still very much present. And finally facing death potentially, well I didn’t wanna die anymore, yada yada. Things got better with a lot of hard work on my part that I did myself because I had this sort of clarity from the experience. Still very proud of it, but my environment became unsafe again while I was still in a very fragile place mentally. The years since I’ve had multiple traumatic things happening and I’ve held on relatively well despite all of it.

Now what I don’t understand is the mental health support in the uk. I’m referred for an auDHD assessment so perhaps that’s to do with what I’m not understanding, I don’t know. I’m not seeking advice on that but just if context or anything helps.

But if I turn up at a&e, or go to my gp, for me that’s not a small thing. That is a crisis that has been ongoing for months, at least. If I say “I know the things I need to do but I do not have the capacity to do them because I haven’t got any sort of safe structure if things go wrong” I don’t understand how that means I am not doing the things I need to do? I am turning up to say I can no longer cope and that all I am doing is trying to stop myself going off the deep end. I haven’t got the capacity to add more things to my life. I need less responsibility and to be safe. Possibly that looks like hospital? It’s a contained space with people to look after you if things go tits up. The environment is safe, and it’s established I haven’t got somewhere safe right now. My fear and anxiety is turning into anger and that scares the shit out of me because I know that means I am cornered and need out of it. I just want to get back to living my life and instead I’m contemplating suicide regularly because I cannot keep going in this.

But I present myself quite well. I’m rather factual about stuff going on, I’m not crying or anything. When I go in, it’s like I just dump a bunch of stuff on the table and say “I’ve done what I can with this and anymore will kill me. Please do something” and then get told I’m not engaging when I say “I can’t take on more things. There is too much here and I am already trying not to shut down. I am here asking for help”.

Am I missing something? I feel like this is an issue I’ve had since I was really young. I used to beg and plead for help and be told I wasn’t doing the things I needed to, while I could not actually do it.

I just want to know if there’s anything I am missing or need to explain differently. I want to get back on track, I genuinely found a love for life for the first time since I was a kid, when I was in my early 20s. I know suicide isn’t what I want. But these days I find myself able to do less and less and the only time I’ve been an immediate risk was when my medication didn’t make the fear of failing stop me.

TLDR: always been told I’m not engaging when I am asking for help by saying that I can’t take anymore and need someone to step in while I’m unable to look after myself. Am I missing something?

I’ve got some beautiful lolly’s but I’m limited on space for the time being. I was going to take up skating a few years ago which is when I bought them but life… so I’m thinking of starting up now.

I saw a YouTube short of a skater who put together a small practice space with clipping laminate for inside on carpet. That’s pretty much what I have to work with. Realistically, what can I do with that? I’ve got about 6ft x 5ft usable room, possibly up to 7ft x 6.5ft. Without skates I’m already tall if that makes a difference. Anyone here done anything similar? Will I hate it? I think it was the more artistic/freestyle/dance styles that I liked. Basically something to relax with but I’m really starting at the beginning. I’ll struggle with bubbles though, won’t I? I’ll get about 2 and then have to turn lol!

Anyway I appreciate any insights. Thanks in advance!