u/Ok-Brain2832

Just A warning in advance, this post is going to be a mess.

Four days ago i got the call that my bestfriend took her life and it has completely obliterated my brain. It feels like the grief took over my body and left me curled up within myself. I’m in college full time while also working a full time job and i’m having a hard time coping with the fact that I still have to get out of bed in the morning and continue living my life after hers ended. It feels like someone chopped both of my hands off and sewed them back on backwards, I don’t know how to be a person anymore. This is the first big loss i’ve experienced and it has torn straight through me. it feels like there’s a language barrier between me and everyone else around me, my grief can’t be translated and I feel so fucking alone. My brain is doing really weird things as-well. i feel insane. Every time I leave my house, I map out how I could get to her house from wherever I am. I just miss her so much, I have all of this love for her and it has nowhere to go. I’m so embarrassed to come on here for this but I feel so helpless.

apologies in advance for how long this post is going to be, but i F(19) am torn between staying in virginia with my dad or moving back home to california with my mom. for context; when i was 13 i moved in with my dad ( sort of ran away?? ) growing up my mom was pretty strict, and ive always been the black sheep of the family ( a queer liberal while my whole family is conservative) so that’s always been a bit of a struggle. Living with my dad, i’m treated more like a roomate than their kid. i’m not included in vacations, they never leave any dinner for me, etc etc. super small things that hurt my heart a little bit. i also have no parental guidance, and navigating adulthood all by myself is terrifying.

If i move to california, i will have that guidance. i’ll also be able to go to college for free because my dads a California veteran, but ill have to leave my dog that is the literal light of my life & my bestfriend who has done more for me than either of my parents ever have. there’s also the fact that my hometown in california is SUPER small. it will be a bit harder to find a job- and ill have to make new friends. also i’ll have to roadtrip across the country and can only take what i can fit in my Toyota Corolla. i have about 2 weeks to decide if i want to be able to get college stuff figured out but im so torn.

i miss being a part of a family. i miss my sisters. but no matter what i do im leaving behind something / someone i love. it feels like there’s no right decision & there are so many factors that are out of my control. I’m crying in the airport as i type this so im sorry that this post is all over the place. i’m horrified and contemplating going to a psychic to see if the universe or what the fuck ever can make this decision for me.

edit: my mom just sent me a picture of my baby sister crying in the car after they dropped me off at the airport. My life is over.