u/Ok-Suggestion1785

I've identified as nonbinary for about a year, yet the doubts don't get quieter. Do I really count as nonbinary if I just absolutely hate being a woman and don't wanna be seen as one? Because why do I accidentally keep misgendering myself by using the she/her pronouns in casual conversation? I'm just really insecure that it's because I spend too much time online and just wanna be special (atleast that's what someone has told me once and it makes me doubt myself more). I just don't want any gender, I wanna be a genderless being with an appearance that leaves the other person confused. And I also really don't wanna be a woman. Dunno if that really counts tho.

Is depression like this feeling of heaviness? Like a headache that is non-physical? Pain that is there but nowhere specific? The feeling of being sick but in a way that you're trapped in your own brain, running in circles. Alienated from people and yourself. Looking in the mirror and wondering if that's yourself. Asking yourself how you turned out this way and this isn't you because it can't be?

Just curious if my interpretation could be correct. It is what I feel like aswell. If it isn't right, I'm still curious what the real deal is like.

I'm looking for songs with a similar vibe or turning to Cantarella, Judas, Judgement of Corruption and Tears of Garnet.

I also liked KAITO in the Heat Abnormal niigo cover.

I wanna increase my KAITO song horizon so I would appreciate suggestions, even if they're not too similar.

Do my SH thoughts even count if I've been too scared to act on it? I've only cut myself superficially once and only once. I wanted to do it but there's fear preventing me. But...are my thoughts even real then? Sometimes there's not even an urge...just indifference and the conscious decision to do it. The fear of pain stops me, which is lowk funny because the fear of pain is stopping me from doing something to remove my mental pain.

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Is it normal to have like SI and SH thoughts and they suddenly go away for like a week until the desire to feel miserable makes you miserable again? Cuz like it makes me feel like a liar.