u/Ok-Veterinarian-7373

I chose not to get an engagement ring and my wedding ring was 20 bucks from Amazon, so I'm just going to toss it.

What did you all do?

(context: my STBX husband and I separated in fall 2025, decided not to reconcile a couple months later, and he started dating his new girlfriend in May)

Now don't me wrong, I don't miss him or wish we were still together at all. But I'm still holding on to a lot of jealousy and bitterness which came on really strong when I found out about my ex's new girlfriend. My ex and I had a lot of conversations during the separation about what went wrong and our attachment styles and how each others' harmful behaviours perpetuated our own harmful behaviours and all that, and I would go over to his place every few weeks to spend some time with our pet who he got to keep. But once he started dating his now partner, having those glimpses into his new life, though I feel so compelled to keep digging and trying to find out about it, just hurts like crazy. Even just from a few conversations it's clear that he's a partner to her in a way he never was with me, and I know it's healthy to learn and grow after a breakup, but it still stings.

Even since early on in the relationship, he would talk about other women in ways that made me feel less than, e.g. "well my friend's wife or gf is like this and does this" "I really like talking to this female friend of mine, she's so passionate (this was an attempt to get me to be more passionate)" "you need to put more effort into having sex because I'm fantasizing about what it feels like to fuck random women walking down the street or bending women over a bench at the gym". I already had low self-esteem and the way I internalized that was to always compare myself to other women or some hypothetical dream girl who would be perfect for him. Now that this woman is "real" in a sense, I just can't stop thinking about what they might be doing or how much better off he is with her or blah blah blah, and it makes me want to keep checking his social media for any crumb of information to keep torturing myself with. It's so unhealthy and creepy and it keeps me stuck in this hurt and pain.

I know I just need to keep him blocked/muted on social media and keep all conversation limited to logistics about the divorce, and I'm committed to doing that for my own sake. But I would love to hear from anyone who has ever felt similarly and get some practical advice on how to ride the waves of jealousy, insecurity, and self-loathing that drives me to check his social media.

It's immature I know but that's the gist of it.

He made such a big deal of saying he wouldn't date until after the divorce was finalized (this upcoming fall) and how if I start dating I better give him a heads up about it, but I found out about his new girlfriend secondhand anyway.

From what it sounds like he likes her more and treats her better than he treated me. I know that's the goal and that's what should be happening, but I just get so frustrated. Just a few months ago he was going on and on about how he thought we were going to be together forever (yet didn't think I had the qualities he wants in a life partner) and how suddenly he understands what it means to have an emotional connection (after years of treating spending time with me as a burden and a favour that I need to repay by having sex with him, which he knew was always painful and unenjoyable for me). And then a few weeks after that he's telling me how he finds other women sexy again and that his life is way better/happier/less stressful without me.

I'm in so much pain because even just weeks into our relationship, I'd tell him I think we might be incompatible, and he'd get mad and say that we aren't incompatible, I just wasn't trying hard enough. I missed out on tens of thousands of dollars of income, being able to do well in my Masters program, weddings, funerals, watching my cousins' kids grow up and more because I listened to him and made the sacrifices he demanded of me. And I had so much painful and distressing sex I did not want to have because he told me that's what I needed to do to keep him, and it should make me happy to make him happy. (Shouldn't it make him upset to make me upset...?) I was able to realize back then that we were never going to truly be happy together but I stayed anyway because I let him convince me that's just what it means to love someone. But all this pain we caused each other could have been prevented if I had just trusted my own opinion back then.

I'm still here wondering if anyone will ever love me or want to be with me or if I'm only ever going to be viewed as a burden to be tolerated and resented. I'm still here panicking and nearly vomiting when I think about having sex. After all the individual therapy I've done, I'm still arguing with him in my head and trying to make sense of it all. But now he's out there actually enjoying spending time with someone new and talking about how much he enjoys just kissing her. It's so upsetting to me that spending time with me and just kissing me was never that enjoyable for him but he insisted on dating and marrying anyway.

I just don't get it. I'm tired of feeling this heartbroken even though I know he's not right for me and I've never regretted separating from him.

(28F, in individual therapy and am currently waitlisted for sex therapy)

In my last relationship, which was my first ever romantic and sexual relationship which started when I was 21, I had a partner who needed PIV sex basically from the get go in order to feel loved, appreciated, and connected. But I was physically unable to provide that for him as penetration was almost impossible even with a pinky finger at first and it took many months of painful and unenjoyable attempts to even have PIV sex. He knew I was in pain and was not enjoying it but if I avoided sex or was unenthusiastic about it, he took that as a deep rejection of who he is as a person and it damaged his self-esteem. I wasn't enjoying foreplay either. Every instance of receiving oral sex or nipple play -> it feels awkward and uncomfortable -> I don't orgasm -> he gets frustrated with me and eventually we stop just added to the anxiety I felt around sex.

My attitude at the very beginning of the relationship was, "it's okay that it doesn't feel good right now, I'm sure we'll get there" to "this is so distressing and I can't figure out what I like and want but if I don't do it then I'm denying his basic emotional needs to him and I hate when he gets mad" which is just not very sexy or lends itself well to fostering desire or connection.

Since the separation in October, I have not dated or had sex at all. I do want to eventually have sex again one day with a partner who is able to be patient with me as I figure out how to enjoy both penetrative and non-penetrative sex. I know I'm incompatible with people who need penetrative sex right away or who might hear me say something like "I'm not ready to do this just yet" or "this doesn't feel good and I want to stop" and take it as a personal attack or proof I don't care about them. But I want to be able to weed these people out before becoming sexually intimate with them.

What kind of conversations do I need to have with people in the early stages of dating in order to figure out who is or isn't a good match? I'm worried just being straightforward with my sexual history might be too much or offputting in those early days?

A few months ago, I was trying to describe what an emotional connection was to my at-the-time partner but struggled to put it to words, and could only really say "I feel disconnected from you, my usual methods for connecting to loved ones aren't working here, it's like there's a wall between us, I'm scared and stressed when I'm with you". But that only really describes the state of disconnection.

I'm trying to develop a better sense of how to describe emotional connection, but right now if I had to I would say it's a relationship where there's a desire to share my thoughts/feelings/experiences with someone and to hear theirs, with little to no fear of judgement or dismissal, or at least trust that there can still be respect and kindness even if negative feelings come up. Maybe it's a sense of safety and trust that leads to a natural sense of curiosity about the other and desire to share more of myself with them.

What does it look like and feel like to you guys?