u/Ok_Abbreviations2491

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) and I have been together for a few years, and lately I’ve been questioning whether I’ve been asking for too much or settling for too little.
My dad passed away from pancreatic cancer in November 2025, and grieving has changed me. I’ve realised that what I need most from a partner isn’t gifts or grand gestures—it’s emotional presence.
Unfortunately, that’s where we’ve struggled.
There have been countless times where I’ve been crying in another room and he’s either carried on as if he couldn’t hear me or only asked, “What’s wrong?” despite knowing I’m grieving. Sometimes I don’t need advice or solutions. I just want a hug, someone to sit with me, or someone to say, “I know this is hard.”
We’ve spoken about it more than once. His response has been that he does support me, but the kind of support I’m asking for is “too much” and that he “can’t do those things.”
Outside of that, I feel like I carry a lot of the relationship. He’s on my spousal visa, I let him use my car because he doesn’t have one yet, I’ve bought him a lot over the years because I genuinely enjoy being generous, and I often end up carrying the mental load at home too. He does contribute in practical ways, but it’s inconsistent. If chores don’t get done, I usually end up doing them because I can’t relax in a messy house. I even suggested hiring a cleaner, but he wasn’t keen, so the extra work still falls back on me.
Recently I suggested we have a relationship check-in after reading Keep Love by Paul Brunson because I wanted us to reconnect. He said he wasn’t ready and postponed it.
The same weekend, he made plans to meet a lifelong female friend for drinks after dropping off some parcels. I genuinely don’t think the issue is the friend. If he’d gone for drinks on another weekend, I probably wouldn’t have thought twice about it.
What hurt was that he wasn’t ready to spend time working on us, but he was ready to spend time socialising.
That made me realise this isn’t really about one evening. It’s about whether I feel like our relationship is a priority when things are difficult.
So I wanted to ask people who’ve been in long-term relationships:
How do you know the difference between someone who simply has a different way of showing love and someone who genuinely isn’t able or willing to meet your emotional needs?
Can people learn emotional support if they don’t naturally offer it, or is this usually a compatibility issue?

I’m 27F and my boyfriend is 28M. We’ve been together for a few years. My dad passed away from pancreatic cancer in November 2025, and I’m still grieving. This has been the hardest period of my life.
I’ve been questioning whether I’m expecting too much from a partner, or whether I’ve been accepting too little.

Over the course of our relationship, I’ve tried to support him however I can. He’s on my spousal visa, I let him use my car whenever he needs it because he doesn’t have one yet (he pays for fuel), I’ve bought him a lot of things over the years, including clothes, and I even bought a PS5 for our home knowing it was mainly something he’d enjoy. I’m naturally a very generous person.

I also carry a lot of the mental load. I organise meals, groceries, and generally make sure life keeps moving. Around the house, he does contribute and I’m not saying he does nothing, but it’s inconsistent. If he doesn’t do some of his chores, they often end up becoming mine because I don’t want to live in a messy home. I’ve suggested hiring a cleaner so the pressure isn’t on either of us, but he doesn’t want to, so I end up picking up the extra work anyway.
The biggest issue, though, is emotional support.
Since my dad died, there have been so many times I’ve been crying in another room and he has either ignored it or carried on as though nothing was happening. If he does come to me, he’ll ask, “What’s wrong?” even though my grief has been a daily reality for months. Sometimes I don’t need him to solve anything. I just want him to sit with me, hug me or acknowledge that I’m having a hard day.
We’ve argued about this before. During one conversation he told me that he does support me, but that the kind of support I’m asking for is “too much” and that he “can’t do those things.”
That sentence has really stayed with me because I honestly don’t feel like I’m asking for anything extraordinary. I’m asking for emotional presence from the person I’m building a life with.
Recently I suggested we have a “State of the Union” relationship meeting after reading Keep Love by Paul Brunson because I wanted us to work on our relationship. He said he wasn’t ready and wanted to postpone it.

Today he told me he was taking some parcels to a female friend he’s known since primary school and then going for drinks with her afterwards. My issue isn’t that he has a female friend. If he’d gone for drinks with a lifelong friend on any other weekend, I genuinely don’t think I’d care.
What hurt was the timing.
He wasn’t ready to spend an evening repairing our relationship, but he was ready to spend an evening socialising. To me, that made me feel like fixing our relationship wasn’t a priority.
I told him exactly that.
Now I’m sitting here wondering whether this is just one incident that’s upsetting me, or whether I’m finally reacting to a pattern I’ve been ignoring for a long time.

I don’t want people to simply tell me to break up. I’m genuinely looking for honest perspectives.
Am I expecting too much from a 28-year-old partner, or does it sound like I’m asking for a pretty basic level of emotional support, shared responsibility, and prioritisation?

Hi everyone.
I’m 27 and I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in November 2025. Some days I manage okay, but lately the grief has been overwhelming. I miss him so much, and I don’t think I’ve really learned how to live without him.

My mom and younger brother live in another city. We speak on the phone and they support me when they can, but I don’t want to overwhelm them because they’re grieving too.

I live with my partner, but I don’t feel emotionally supported. He’ll see me crying and usually doesn’t comfort me or ask what’s wrong, so I’ve been feeling incredibly alone. I’m not looking for relationship advice, I know that’s a separate issue.

Right now, I’m just trying to figure out how to carry this grief when I don’t have much emotional support around me.

For those of you who have lost a parent or someone you loved deeply:

What helped you get through the days when the grief felt unbearable?

Did you find any routines, hobbies, books, support groups, or little rituals that made you feel less alone?

How did you comfort yourself when there wasn’t anyone there to comfort you?

I think I’m just looking for people who understand this kind of loss. I feel very alone tonight, and I’d really appreciate hearing from anyone who’s been through something similar.

Thank you for reading. 🤍

Hi everyone.

I lost my dad to pancreatic cancer in November 2025, and lately the grief has been hitting me really hard. Some days I feel like I’m just trying to survive the day.

My mom and younger brother live in another city, so while we do talk and they support me when they can, it’s mostly over the phone and I don’t always want to lean on them because they’re grieving too. At home, I don’t really feel emotionally supported, so I’ve been feeling quite alone in all of this.
I’m trying to stop relying on other people for comfort and instead learn what I can do for myself.

For those of you who’ve lost a parent or someone you loved deeply:

• What genuinely helped you get through the really difficult days?
• Were there any routines, hobbies, support groups, books, podcasts, or small things that made you feel even 1% better?
• How did you cope when you felt like you were grieving on your own?

I’m not really looking for relationship advice. I’m just hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar and found ways to carry their grief when they felt alone.

Thank you. 🤍