u/Ok_Concentrate9081

today was my first day actually taking calls. i messed up like crazy. from the very first call i messed up so bad the guy made fun of me. and then the others were just as bad. all because i'm so fucking stupid. i got nervous and forgot everything i learnt. i probably sounded like a bitch too. that was only 2 hours out of the day. i don't want to have this bitch ass job. it's so fucking hard. they will probably let me go anyway.

idk why i'm writing this but i'm dying of embarrassment right now omg i got out of my seat and didn't realize it automatically closes like the seats in the movie theater and when i went back to sit i fell omg 😭😭 i'm still on the bus right now and im refusing to make eye contact with anyone

people die every day. why can't it be my turn. i wish i would just fucking snap and kill myself or die in my sleep or something. i just know i'm gonna live til i'm 80 or something. cause nothing i ever want happens. my existence is the saddest and most useless fucking thing i have ever seen. so unnecessary. third child. i did not need to be here. my dad fucking died when i was a baby. nothing in my life is normal. there is no turning my life around. even if i get everything i want i feel like i will never be happy. i hate every single thing about myself and my life. fuck this.

everytime i take group pictures (the only pictures i take) everyone else in the picture looks exactly how they do irl and some people even look better in photos. i'm always the only one who i think looks different/bad/wrong. im starting to think that the picture version is the real me and the mirror me is a delusion in my head. everything looks different even my hair. my body is way too skinny and my neck is long. i dont look that bad in the mirror. i hate how i look all the time but the pictures are just something else bruh. why does that happen. even if i make the effort to look good i end up looking like absolute shit in photos while everyone else looks like a model. i feel like i ruin the pictures. can someone confirm that being unphotogenic is a real thing because if thats how i really look then thats a problem. they say the camera distorts faces but literally everyone i know look exactly the same in pictures and irl.

like i've gotten to a point where nothing makes me happy or satisfied, including daydreaming, so i don't do it as much as i used to. so i won but at what cost.