u/Ok_Example_8257

I'm 27M, she's around my age. She proposed to me and says she loves me and wants to marry me. She trusts me, supports my career growth, and talks about us as a team in front of her family. We've also travelled and gone on night-outs together many times.

The problem is her family. She's very family-oriented and has told me that until marriage, if her parents/sister say no to something, she'll accept it. She says after marriage they won't interfere. She doesn't feel capable of standing against them right now because she doesn't want to hurt her family.

I'm very different. I'm adventurous—travelling, hiking, motovlogging, exploring—and I want a partner who genuinely wants to experience that life with me. I don't want to wait years until marriage to live that life.

I've also made major sacrifices for this relationship. I stayed in a job partly because I could see her every day, changed my career direction toward editing, and spent a lot of money building that career. Because I've sacrificed so much, I sometimes feel hurt that I don't see the same level of sacrifice from her.

Another issue is time. We talk every night. If she has something personal or career-related to do during our usual time, I get upset because I feel our time should be protected. I don't mind her studying or pursuing her career—I just want her to find a way that doesn't constantly reduce our time together. I personally make an effort to do things without changing our regular time.

I've also realized I have a strong need to feel chosen. If I don't call, she may not call either, and if she chooses something else over our time, I interpret it as "she chose that instead of me." I know I have trust/insecurity issues, and I'm trying to understand whether I'm expecting too much.

She says she loves me and has made efforts, but I don't feel the intensity of commitment that I give her.

I don't want to force her or control her. If she genuinely doesn't want this lifestyle, I'd rather she choose freely than stay under pressure.

and one thing.. after she told her elder sister...
I am earning around 6 LPA.. I love her... She loves me too... She belongs to a poor family... I mean too many problems in her family... She wants to marry me.. live her life with me...

But she wants her family to agree... that's right... But her elder sister made a condition I have to earn 1lakhs/month within a year... Because they need reputation...

And here... I am too from a poor family... I have a mother and an divorced sister... She wants to give atleast 10k to her parents after marriage and her younger brother 5k atleast ( because he is little weak mind ) ...

I am a type of traveller... I want world tour... But if I marry her.. she has 2 elder sister and a young brother...

I have to take care her parents and my family completely...

I don't like interference in my family after marriage

.. but I feel that they can interfere..

I feel she loves me with her heart 20% and with brain 80%..

I am confused... Her clothes, room, daily needs, travel... I spent minimum 4lakhs in 1 year for her...

Now what should I do.... I love her so much... But I don't getting the same...

So honestly: Am I being unreasonable? Is her family dependence a temporary situation, or is this a fundamental compatibility problem? And are my sacrifices something I can reasonably expect her to match, or are they entirely my responsibility because I chose to make them?

​

​

I'm 26M and she's around my age. We've been in a relationship for 11months... My 1st love and her 2nd and she was the one who proposed to me initially. During the beginning of the relationship, she told me that she loved me but that she couldn't tell her parents about us unless I became financially successful enough. She has always been very family-oriented, and her parents/sister's opinions carry a lot of weight with her.

She says she loves me and wants to marry me. She also talks about us as a team in front of her family, trusts me and believes I'll be successful. We've had many good moments together, including travelling and night-outs. So I don't believe she's pretending to love me.

But there is a huge conflict between what I expect from a relationship and what she seems able/willing to give.

My side

I'm a very intense person when I love someone. I value quality time, travelling, exploring, adventure and building a life together. I want my future wife to be someone who genuinely wants to experience life with me—not someone who wants to wait until marriage to start living that way.

Travel and exploring aren't just a hobby for me. They are a major part of the life I want. I want to travel, hike, motovlog, explore places, make memories, etc. I have told her that I want our married life to be different from a conventional life and that I'd like us to build things together, including potentially creating YouTube content.

I've also made some very significant sacrifices because of this relationship. I had a better job opportunity but stayed with my current company partly because I could see her every day. I changed my career direction from animation toward editing/YouTube and have spent a lot of money on equipment and other things because I wanted to build a future and income for us. I've invested a lot of time, money and energy into the future I imagined with her. I care about mostly all her needs, grocery, outfits ... This year approx 4lakhs

Because I've sacrificed so much, I naturally feel hurt when I don't see a similar level of sacrifice from her.

I don't necessarily expect her to sacrifice the exact same things I did, but I do want to feel that she is willing to make sacrifices for the relationship.

Her side

She's very close to her family and is scared of hurting them or going against them.

She has basically told me that until marriage she will listen to her family. If her sister or parents tell her not to go somewhere with me, she generally accepts it. She has said that if her family ultimately says no, she may have to accept their decision.

Her position is basically that she doesn't feel strong enough to stand against her family before marriage. She believes that after marriage they won't interfere in our relationship.

This is extremely difficult for me because I don't know how I can trust a promise about "after marriage" when I am seeing the opposite behavior now.

For example, she has told me she can't go far away or go on night-outs because her sister doesn't approve. We've argued about this many times. She has come with me on night-outs before, so it's not that she never does anything for me, but lately the family pressure has become much stronger.

Another major issue: our time together

We talk every day, especially before sleeping.

If she has a hobby or something related to her career and wants to do it during the time we normally talk, I get upset.

For example, if she works all day and only has time to study for her career at night, she may want to use our usual talking time for studying.

My thinking is: I work too, but if something is important to me, I try to find another time so that I don't change our regular relationship time.

I want our shared time to be protected as "our time."

I'm not saying she shouldn't study, work on her career, have hobbies, spend time with family, etc. I just don't like when those things unnecessarily replace the time we've established for each other.

She doesn't seem to feel the same intensity about protecting that time.

My biggest emotional problem

I have realized that I have a strong need to feel chosen.

If I don't call her, sometimes she doesn't call me either. If I become quiet, she may not become anxious or chase after me.

That makes me feel like:

"She doesn't need me the way I need her."

When she chooses something else that affects our time together, my first thought isn't simply "I miss her." It's:

"She chose something else over me."

I know I have trust issues and usually don't trust people easily. With other people, I don't expect much, so I don't get hurt easily. With her, I expected a lot because I love her and thought she was going to be my life partner.

So when those expectations aren't met, I get extremely hurt, angry or jealous.

I've also become jealous when I see her dancing, even when she's dancing with her sister. Sometimes I physically feel anxiety—sweating and a strange feeling in my chest. I don't want to control her or hurt her, and I've been trying to understand this reaction.

The family issue

The biggest thing is that she has told me that she can't really stand against her family right now.

She has said things like:

"If my sister isn't happy with you and her husband says no, then what can I do?"

She has cried about the situation and even said that she might marry someone else rather than cause stress to her family.

I've repeatedly told her that we can face it together, convince her sister first and then her parents, and that she needs to be a little stronger.

But she keeps saying that she can't fight her family.

She is going to have me meet her elder sister and her sister's husband soon. I'm not sure whether they will support the relationship.

The contradiction that confuses me

She clearly loves me in some ways.

She proposed to me.

She talks about our future.

She trusts me.

She talks about us as a team.

She has gone on night-outs with me before.

She believes I'll become successful.

But at the same time, she says that whatever her family ultimately decides, she will accept it.

So I feel like:

"Am I really being chosen, or am I only being chosen as long as her family approves?"

That is the question that has been eating me alive.

What I want

I want a partner who:

\\- genuinely wants to travel and explore with me;

\\- protects our quality time;

\\- makes me feel wanted rather than merely accepted;

\\- chooses the relationship when there is a difficult but reasonable conflict;

\\- makes sacrifices for the relationship;

\\- stands beside me when life gets difficult;

\\- wants to build an adventurous life together.

I don't need her to abandon her parents. In fact, I've repeatedly told her that I want to take care of both her family and mine after marriage.

If her parents have a medical emergency, I'd obviously go with her and help.

If she has an important exam or job interview, I'd support her and even drop her there and pick her up.

If her parents or siblings genuinely need her, I don't expect her to abandon them.

What I struggle with is when something less important takes away from something we've already committed to doing together.

Where I'm at now

I'm exhausted.

I've started thinking that maybe this simply isn't the relationship I was looking for.

I don't necessarily want to break up immediately. Part of me still wants a life with her. I love the idea of her dancing while I edit, travelling together, building something together and eventually getting married.

But another part of me feels like I've sacrificed so much already that if she eventually marries someone else, she'll have a happy life while I'll be left feeling like I destroyed my own career and future for a relationship that didn't work.

I also realize that some of my expectations may be unhealthy. I know I can become possessive about time and very sensitive to feeling "not chosen." I don't want to control her. I don't want her to stay because she's afraid of losing me.

So I want honest outside opinions.

Am I expecting too much from her?

Is her family dependence a reasonable temporary situation until marriage, or is it a major compatibility problem?

Are my sacrifices my responsibility because I chose to make them, or is it reasonable to expect her to make comparable sacrifices?

Most importantly: does this sound like a relationship that can realistically work, or are we simply two people who love each other but want fundamentally different relationships?

Tl dr Please be honest. I'm not looking for people to automatically take my side or hers. I want to understand where I'm wrong too.

​

I'm 26M and she's around my age. We've been in a relationship for 11months... My 1st love and her 2nd and she was the one who proposed to me initially. During the beginning of the relationship, she told me that she loved me but that she couldn't tell her parents about us unless I became financially successful enough. She has always been very family-oriented, and her parents/sister's opinions carry a lot of weight with her.

She says she loves me and wants to marry me. She also talks about us as a team in front of her family, trusts me and believes I'll be successful. We've had many good moments together, including travelling and night-outs. So I don't believe she's pretending to love me.

But there is a huge conflict between what I expect from a relationship and what she seems able/willing to give.

My side

I'm a very intense person when I love someone. I value quality time, travelling, exploring, adventure and building a life together. I want my future wife to be someone who genuinely wants to experience life with me—not someone who wants to wait until marriage to start living that way.

Travel and exploring aren't just a hobby for me. They are a major part of the life I want. I want to travel, hike, motovlog, explore places, make memories, etc. I have told her that I want our married life to be different from a conventional life and that I'd like us to build things together, including potentially creating YouTube content.

I've also made some very significant sacrifices because of this relationship. I had a better job opportunity but stayed with my current company partly because I could see her every day. I changed my career direction from animation toward editing/YouTube and have spent a lot of money on equipment and other things because I wanted to build a future and income for us. I've invested a lot of time, money and energy into the future I imagined with her. I care about mostly all her needs, grocery, outfits ... This year approx 4lakhs

Because I've sacrificed so much, I naturally feel hurt when I don't see a similar level of sacrifice from her.

I don't necessarily expect her to sacrifice the exact same things I did, but I do want to feel that she is willing to make sacrifices for the relationship.

Her side

She's very close to her family and is scared of hurting them or going against them.

She has basically told me that until marriage she will listen to her family. If her sister or parents tell her not to go somewhere with me, she generally accepts it. She has said that if her family ultimately says no, she may have to accept their decision.

Her position is basically that she doesn't feel strong enough to stand against her family before marriage. She believes that after marriage they won't interfere in our relationship.

This is extremely difficult for me because I don't know how I can trust a promise about "after marriage" when I am seeing the opposite behavior now.

For example, she has told me she can't go far away or go on night-outs because her sister doesn't approve. We've argued about this many times. She has come with me on night-outs before, so it's not that she never does anything for me, but lately the family pressure has become much stronger.

Another major issue: our time together

We talk every day, especially before sleeping.

If she has a hobby or something related to her career and wants to do it during the time we normally talk, I get upset.

For example, if she works all day and only has time to study for her career at night, she may want to use our usual talking time for studying.

My thinking is: I work too, but if something is important to me, I try to find another time so that I don't change our regular relationship time.

I want our shared time to be protected as "our time."

I'm not saying she shouldn't study, work on her career, have hobbies, spend time with family, etc. I just don't like when those things unnecessarily replace the time we've established for each other.

She doesn't seem to feel the same intensity about protecting that time.

My biggest emotional problem

I have realized that I have a strong need to feel chosen.

If I don't call her, sometimes she doesn't call me either. If I become quiet, she may not become anxious or chase after me.

That makes me feel like:

"She doesn't need me the way I need her."

When she chooses something else that affects our time together, my first thought isn't simply "I miss her." It's:

"She chose something else over me."

I know I have trust issues and usually don't trust people easily. With other people, I don't expect much, so I don't get hurt easily. With her, I expected a lot because I love her and thought she was going to be my life partner.

So when those expectations aren't met, I get extremely hurt, angry or jealous.

I've also become jealous when I see her dancing, even when she's dancing with her sister. Sometimes I physically feel anxiety—sweating and a strange feeling in my chest. I don't want to control her or hurt her, and I've been trying to understand this reaction.

The family issue

The biggest thing is that she has told me that she can't really stand against her family right now.

She has said things like:

"If my sister isn't happy with you and her husband says no, then what can I do?"

She has cried about the situation and even said that she might marry someone else rather than cause stress to her family.

I've repeatedly told her that we can face it together, convince her sister first and then her parents, and that she needs to be a little stronger.

But she keeps saying that she can't fight her family.

She is going to have me meet her elder sister and her sister's husband soon. I'm not sure whether they will support the relationship.

The contradiction that confuses me

She clearly loves me in some ways.

She proposed to me.

She talks about our future.

She trusts me.

She talks about us as a team.

She has gone on night-outs with me before.

She believes I'll become successful.

But at the same time, she says that whatever her family ultimately decides, she will accept it.

So I feel like:

"Am I really being chosen, or am I only being chosen as long as her family approves?"

That is the question that has been eating me alive.

What I want

I want a partner who:

\- genuinely wants to travel and explore with me;

\- protects our quality time;

\- makes me feel wanted rather than merely accepted;

\- chooses the relationship when there is a difficult but reasonable conflict;

\- makes sacrifices for the relationship;

\- stands beside me when life gets difficult;

\- wants to build an adventurous life together.

I don't need her to abandon her parents. In fact, I've repeatedly told her that I want to take care of both her family and mine after marriage.

If her parents have a medical emergency, I'd obviously go with her and help.

If she has an important exam or job interview, I'd support her and even drop her there and pick her up.

If her parents or siblings genuinely need her, I don't expect her to abandon them.

What I struggle with is when something less important takes away from something we've already committed to doing together.

Where I'm at now

I'm exhausted.

I've started thinking that maybe this simply isn't the relationship I was looking for.

I don't necessarily want to break up immediately. Part of me still wants a life with her. I love the idea of her dancing while I edit, travelling together, building something together and eventually getting married.

But another part of me feels like I've sacrificed so much already that if she eventually marries someone else, she'll have a happy life while I'll be left feeling like I destroyed my own career and future for a relationship that didn't work.

I also realize that some of my expectations may be unhealthy. I know I can become possessive about time and very sensitive to feeling "not chosen." I don't want to control her. I don't want her to stay because she's afraid of losing me.

So I want honest outside opinions.

Am I expecting too much from her?

Is her family dependence a reasonable temporary situation until marriage, or is it a major compatibility problem?

Are my sacrifices my responsibility because I chose to make them, or is it reasonable to expect her to make comparable sacrifices?

Most importantly: does this sound like a relationship that can realistically work, or are we simply two people who love each other but want fundamentally different relationships?

Please be honest. I'm not looking for people to automatically take my side or hers. I want to understand where I'm wrong too.

​

I'm 26M and she's around my age. We've been in a relationship for 11months... My 1st love and her 2nd and she was the one who proposed to me initially. During the beginning of the relationship, she told me that she loved me but that she couldn't tell her parents about us unless I became financially successful enough. She has always been very family-oriented, and her parents/sister's opinions carry a lot of weight with her.

She says she loves me and wants to marry me. She also talks about us as a team in front of her family, trusts me and believes I'll be successful. We've had many good moments together, including travelling and night-outs. So I don't believe she's pretending to love me.

But there is a huge conflict between what I expect from a relationship and what she seems able/willing to give.

My side

I'm a very intense person when I love someone. I value quality time, travelling, exploring, adventure and building a life together. I want my future wife to be someone who genuinely wants to experience life with me—not someone who wants to wait until marriage to start living that way.

Travel and exploring aren't just a hobby for me. They are a major part of the life I want. I want to travel, hike, motovlog, explore places, make memories, etc. I have told her that I want our married life to be different from a conventional life and that I'd like us to build things together, including potentially creating content.

I've also made some very significant sacrifices because of this relationship. I had a better job opportunity but stayed with my current company partly because I could see her every day. I changed my career direction from animation toward editing/Social media and have spent a lot of money on equipment and other things because I wanted to build a future and income for us. I've invested a lot of time, money and energy into the future I imagined with her. I care about mostly all her needs, grocery, outfits ... This year approx 4lakhs

Because I've sacrificed so much, I naturally feel hurt when I don't see a similar level of sacrifice from her.

I don't necessarily expect her to sacrifice the exact same things I did, but I do want to feel that she is willing to make sacrifices for the relationship.

Her side

She's very close to her family and is scared of hurting them or going against them.

She has basically told me that until marriage she will listen to her family. If her sister or parents tell her not to go somewhere with me, she generally accepts it. She has said that if her family ultimately says no, she may have to accept their decision.

Her position is basically that she doesn't feel strong enough to stand against her family before marriage. She believes that after marriage they won't interfere in our relationship.

This is extremely difficult for me because I don't know how I can trust a promise about "after marriage" when I am seeing the opposite behavior now.

For example, she has told me she can't go far away or go on night-outs because her sister doesn't approve. We've argued about this many times. She has come with me on night-outs before, so it's not that she never does anything for me, but lately the family pressure has become much stronger.

Another major issue: our time together

We talk every day, especially before sleeping.

If she has a hobby or something related to her career and wants to do it during the time we normally talk, I get upset.

For example, if she works all day and only has time to study for her career at night, she may want to use our usual talking time for studying.

My thinking is: I work too, but if something is important to me, I try to find another time so that I don't change our regular relationship time.

I want our shared time to be protected as "our time."

I'm not saying she shouldn't study, work on her career, have hobbies, spend time with family, etc. I just don't like when those things unnecessarily replace the time we've established for each other.

She doesn't seem to feel the same intensity about protecting that time.

My biggest emotional problem

I have realized that I have a strong need to feel chosen.

If I don't call her, sometimes she doesn't call me either. If I become quiet, she may not become anxious or chase after me.

That makes me feel like:

"She doesn't need me the way I need her."

When she chooses something else that affects our time together, my first thought isn't simply "I miss her." It's:

"She chose something else over me."

I know I have trust issues and usually don't trust people easily. With other people, I don't expect much, so I don't get hurt easily. With her, I expected a lot because I love her and thought she was going to be my life partner.

So when those expectations aren't met, I get extremely hurt, angry or jealous.

I've also become jealous when I see her dancing, even when she's dancing with her sister. Sometimes I physically feel anxiety—sweating and a strange feeling in my chest. I don't want to control her or hurt her, and I've been trying to understand this reaction.

The family issue

The biggest thing is that she has told me that she can't really stand against her family right now.

She has said things like:

"If my sister isn't happy with you and her husband says no, then what can I do?"

She has cried about the situation and even said that she might marry someone else rather than cause stress to her family.

I've repeatedly told her that we can face it together, convince her sister first and then her parents, and that she needs to be a little stronger.

But she keeps saying that she can't fight her family.

She is going to have me meet her elder sister and her sister's husband soon. I'm not sure whether they will support the relationship.

The contradiction that confuses me

She clearly loves me in some ways.

She proposed to me.

She talks about our future.

She trusts me.

She talks about us as a team.

She has gone on night-outs with me before.

She believes I'll become successful.

But at the same time, she says that whatever her family ultimately decides, she will accept it.

So I feel like:

"Am I really being chosen, or am I only being chosen as long as her family approves?"

That is the question that has been eating me alive.

What I want

I want a partner who:

\- genuinely wants to travel and explore with me;

\- protects our quality time;

\- makes me feel wanted rather than merely accepted;

\- chooses the relationship when there is a difficult but reasonable conflict;

\- makes sacrifices for the relationship;

\- stands beside me when life gets difficult;

\- wants to build an adventurous life together.

I don't need her to abandon her parents. In fact, I've repeatedly told her that I want to take care of both her family and mine after marriage.

If her parents have a medical emergency, I'd obviously go with her and help.

If she has an important exam or job interview, I'd support her and even drop her there and pick her up.

If her parents or siblings genuinely need her, I don't expect her to abandon them.

What I struggle with is when something less important takes away from something we've already committed to doing together.

Where I'm at now

I'm exhausted.

I've started thinking that maybe this simply isn't the relationship I was looking for.

I don't necessarily want to break up immediately. Part of me still wants a life with her. I love the idea of her dancing while I edit, travelling together, building something together and eventually getting married.

But another part of me feels like I've sacrificed so much already that if she eventually marries someone else, she'll have a happy life while I'll be left feeling like I destroyed my own career and future for a relationship that didn't work.

I also realize that some of my expectations may be unhealthy. I know I can become possessive about time and very sensitive to feeling "not chosen." I don't want to control her. I don't want her to stay because she's afraid of losing me.

So I want honest outside opinions.

Am I expecting too much from her?

Is her family dependence a reasonable temporary situation until marriage, or is it a major compatibility problem?

Are my sacrifices my responsibility because I chose to make them, or is it reasonable to expect her to make comparable sacrifices?

Most importantly: does this sound like a relationship that can realistically work, or are we simply two people who love each other but want fundamentally different relationships?

Please be honest. I'm not looking for people to automatically take my side or hers. I want to understand where I'm wrong too.

**TL;DR; : what should I do.. should I try to adjust which I am doing... Or I can't leave her... I can't **.

I am earning around 6 LPA.. I love her... She loves me too... She belongs to a poor family... I mean too many problems in her family... She wants to marry me.. live her life with me...But she wants her family to agree... that's right... But her elder sister made a condition I have to earn 1lakhs/month within a year... Because they need reputation... And here... I am too from a poor family... I have a mother and an divorced sister... She wants to give atleast 10k to her parents after marriage and her younger brother 5k atleast ( because he is little weak mind ) ... I am a type of traveller... I want world tour... But if I marry her.. she has 2 elder sister and a young brother...

I have to take care her parents and my family completely...

I don't like interference in my family after marriage.. but I feel that they can interfere..I feel she loves me with her heart 20% and with brain 80%..I am confused... Her clothes, room, daily needs, travel... I spent minimum 4lakhs in 1 year for her...

Now what should I do.... I love her so much... But I don't getting the same...