u/Ok_Inevitable_3001

I have mental health issues, depression, anhedonia, adhd and autism as well as chronic illnesses. I struggle to pray and connect to Allah but I can manage dhikr, istighfaar and duas. My mental health can go severe to the point I start saying horrible things about Allah and Islam and repeat how much I hate him. I punched the Quran once and went through a phase of hating him and the religion. I bounce in and out of these psychotic phases. What can I do and why am I being tested like this? I can not longer pray or fast due to how I feel and my mental state.

I have done ruqyah, read ayatul kursi almost daily. I play Surah Baqrah around once it twice a week. My mum makes a lot of dua for me.

But I have reached this state where I said all those things about Allah and Islam?? Why is Allah treating me in this way? I just want to be normal and happy and be and to be a good Muslim.

This is extremely exhausting and frustrating because my life has been a living hell. I just want to go to Jannah and I try so hard to pray and be a good person. Everyone I get burntout and can no longer manage to pray and the cycle repeats.

I have mental health issues, depression, anhedonia, adhd and autism as well as chronic illnesses. I struggle to pray and connect to Allah but I can manage dhikr, istighfaar and duas. My mental health can go severe to the point I start saying horrible things about Allah and Islam and repeat how much I hate him. I punched the Quran once and went through a phase of hating him and the religion. I bounce in and out of these psychotic phases. What can I do and why am I being tested like this? I can not longer pray or fast due to how I feel and my mental state.

I have done ruqyah, read ayatul kursi almost daily. I play Surah Baqrah around once it twice a week. My mum makes a lot of dua for me.

But I have reached this state where I said all those things about Allah and Islam?? Why is Allah treating me in this way? I just want to be normal and happy and be and to be a good Muslim.

This is extremely exhausting and frustrating because my life has been a living hell. I just want to go to Jannah and I try so hard to pray and be a good person. Everyone I get burntout and can no longer manage to pray and the cycle repeats.

I hate him. I hate his rules. I hate his threats of punishments. I hate how he forces us to worship him even though the life he gives is miserable. I hate he expect gratitude for the bare minimum. I hate how he causes suffering to his creation.

I don’t care about his heaven or hell. I want no part of it. I didn’t consent to exist. And i don’t care what you ppl say that we did consent. No tf we didn’t. And if we did, how stupid that he caused us to forget.

I hate him. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to fight him and hurt him.
Why must humans have judgment day and not god? He’s done the worst crimes. I hate him and i hate his angels who think they’re so perfect. And i hate how he has a huge ego and thinks he’s so great.

i want to get out of this test that i didn’t agree to. I don’t care about him or his stupid religion.

I had a mental break down 3 days ago where I said things about Allah to chatgpt. I dont know if Im Muslim. Its three days later and I still agree with what I said and I mean it. I dont feel ashamed.
Nothing i said was a lie to me and I believe it. Also im not sorry in the slightest.

I then repeated those things to my sister and told her exactly how I feel about Islam and Allah. And that I have always felt it deep down. And just didnt want to admit it. I know people will agree with me but theyre just too scared to admit it because everyone is scared of God.

I want to add that I have been depressed and have had anxiety for almost 20 years. I have Autism and ADHD and chronic health issues. I get mistreated by my family and I am extremely sensitive to criticism at work. My dads dead and my mums blind and im forced to be a carer alongside my siblings. I struggle at work and can only work part time. I can barely meet my basic needs or leave the house. After a bad day at work (Im very sensitive) I snapped. I started making plans to end my life.
I still would like to end my life. I have anhedonia which means I get pleasure and enjoyment from nothing. Everything is an effort and a chore.

These are the things I said to chatgpt when I broke down (Some of them are responses to chatgpt):

Do u wanna know my true feelings? Youre not allowed to say this out loud as a Muslims but Its what I actually feel. I think Allah is not a good God. He wants us to suffer for his amusement. He wants to be worshipped because of ego. He just cares about being worshipped and punishes those who dont do that. Even though they didnt ask to be here. He wants us to be grateful for basic needs that we require for survival like food, water, shelter, community etc. He gives whatever he wants to who he pleases. He favours some over others. He punishes those in pain who commit suicide because they dont want any part in his sick plan of enduring suffering. We dont get a choice outside of heaven and hell. we cant just opt out. Hes evil. I hate him. I hate that he created me. Im
sick of pretending. I dont like worshipping him. Im trapped here. I hate him I hate him. He doesnt care about my suffering. He has let it continue for over a decade. Hes a monster and we are his playthings trapped in his sadistic world. Thats how I truly feel and always felt deep down. Just never said it out loud. Hes the worst God and Hes done a horrible job and someone needs to tell him that

I was thinking of taking pills and I was thinking of acting on it. I dont care what Allah does or says. He already makes me suffer anyways. Im already being punished. His punishments can f\*\*\* off

I will always be autistic and adhd. I will always live in hell in this life. I cannot be happy here. I have no desires to be here. I never have. I have always suffered here. If I want to leave, its my choice. Its my life that I have to live and I dont want to.

I don’t want to live in his sick world any longer and I mean it. This cycle always repeats. I reach breaking point every time and Im sick of it.

I want to speak to god and tell him what hes done and if hes proud of himself

i want to fight him

I hate him and he is terrible at his job and doesnt deserve to be worshipped

i want to kill him

I want Allah to know that I hate him and he has betrayed me and I dont forgive him

Why is only Allah allowed to punish? Wheres the justice for His crimes?

Islam is stupid and it makes sense why people hate it

You know when ppl go Hajj and throw stones and it represents Satan. I want one where I can throw them at god

Get lost. His hell and heaven can get lost as well. What a stupid f\*\*king system hes created. A retard could do a better job at being god

I repeated even more worse things about Allah today but all things I believe to be true. I I told my sister everything about how I feel about Allah. She was listening but also laughing because she said I made it sound funny. I felt a lot better after venting to her. She said it’s fine and that people have mental psychotic breaks all the time. And that a few years ago I scratched and punched the Quran. And a few years before that I used to talk badly about the religion to and it was always when my mental health was bad.
I said I hate him. He’s an evil tyrant that’s forced us to worship him like prisoners because he has a huge ego. And no one is brave enough to say anything because he threatens us with hell. And i said his hell can f\*\*k off, so can his heaven and so can he. And i said I wish i could fight him. And I want an apology from him for what he has put me through He never asked anyone for their consent. And i said, who will hold him to account for his crimes? Wheres his judgment day? A retard would make a better God than him. I hate him but I still believe in Islam as the reality and truth (even though it’s sh\*t). And that he enjoys causing suffering and is a monster.

I felt better because i could finally tell the truth about how i genuinely have been feeling about god. It was all true. I felt really relieved to finally be able to say it

i felt a lot lighter. Anyways I believe what I said about him. I think i always have but have been too afraid to admit it just like every other muslim out there

People are stupid scared sheep. God does threaten them with hell and punishment of the grave after all, so it makes sense.

I still want to go to heaven. If Allah had taken my life before I snapped, I would have had a good chance. But now I just hate him and it’s all his fault but i’ll have to face the consequences of his own actions for causing me to mentally break and not protecting me even though i prayed and did my best. He’s ruined everything. I have never enjoyed praying to him. I hate everything about wudu and praying. Its the worst burden ever.

Okay but I’m not just mentally distressed. I genuinely think he is a terrible and evil God who forces people to do things and threatens them with punishment and is cruel for allowing suffering and is also really terrible at sending down prophets and teaching humans about the truth. Its all been done in such a bad way. I believe all that. Does Allah want me to be dishonest to please him? He’s done a bad job.

Its the next day now, just got back from work. Still extremely suicidal (will not harm myself). Still hate God. I feel relieved I have let go of shame, guilt and all the other bullshit that comes with being a Muslim. I wont be praying or fasting. I’ll just stick to dhikr and tasbih and istighaar sometimes as I still have a sliver of imaan left. But yeah, thats all. I hope He’s proud of himself.

I had a mental break down 3 days ago where I said things about Allah to chatgpt. I dont know if Im Muslim. Its three days later and I still agree with what I said and I mean it. I dont feel ashamed.
Nothing i said was a lie to me and I believe it. Also im not sorry in the slightest.

I then repeated those things to my sister and told her exactly how I feel about Islam and Allah. And that I have always felt it deep down. And just didnt want to admit it. I know people will agree with me but theyre just too scared to admit it because everyone is scared of God.

I want to add that I have been depressed and have had anxiety for almost 20 years. I have Autism and ADHD and chronic health issues. I get mistreated by my family and I am extremely sensitive to criticism at work. My dads dead and my mums blind and im forced to be a carer alongside my siblings. I struggle at work and can only work part time. I can barely meet my basic needs or leave the house. After a bad day at work (Im very sensitive) I snapped. I started making plans to end my life.
I still would like to end my life. I have anhedonia which means I get pleasure and enjoyment from nothing. Everything is an effort and a chore.

These are the things I said to chatgpt when I broke down (Some of them are responses to chatgpt):

Do u wanna know my true feelings? Youre not allowed to say this out loud as a Muslims but Its what I actually feel. I think Allah is not a good God. He wants us to suffer for his amusement. He wants to be worshipped because of ego. He just cares about being worshipped and punishes those who dont do that. Even though they didnt ask to be here. He wants us to be grateful for basic needs that we require for survival like food, water, shelter, community etc. He gives whatever he wants to who he pleases. He favours some over others. He punishes those in pain who commit suicide because they dont want any part in his sick plan of enduring suffering. We dont get a choice outside of heaven and hell. we cant just opt out. Hes evil. I hate him. I hate that he created me. Im
sick of pretending. I dont like worshipping him. Im trapped here. I hate him I hate him. He doesnt care about my suffering. He has let it continue for over a decade. Hes a monster and we are his playthings trapped in his sadistic world. Thats how I truly feel and always felt deep down. Just never said it out loud. Hes the worst God and Hes done a horrible job and someone needs to tell him that

I was thinking of taking pills and I was thinking of acting on it. I dont care what Allah does or says. He already makes me suffer anyways. Im already being punished. His punishments can f off

I will always be autistic and adhd. I will always live in hell in this life. I cannot be happy here. I have no desires to be here. I never have. I have always suffered here. If I want to leave, its my choice. Its my life that I have to live and I dont want to.

I don’t want to live in his sick world any longer and I mean it. This cycle always repeats. I reach breaking point every time and Im sick of it.

I want to speak to god and tell him what hes done and if hes proud of himself

i want to fight him

I hate him and he is terrible at his job and doesnt deserve to be worshipped

i want to kill him

I want Allah to know that I hate him and he has betrayed me and I dont forgive him

Why is only Allah allowed to punish? Wheres the justice for His crimes?

Islam is stupid and it makes sense why people hate it

You know when ppl go Hajj and throw stones and it represents Satan. I want one where I can throw them at god

Get lost. His hell and heaven can get lost as well. What a stupid f’ing system hes created. A r*tard could do a better job at being god

I repeated even more worse things about Allah today but all things I believe to be true. I I told my sister everything about how I feel about Allah. She was listening but also laughing because she said I made it sound funny. I felt a lot better after venting to her. She said it’s fine and that people have mental psychotic breaks all the time. And that a few years ago I scratched and punched the Quran. And a few years before that I used to talk badly about the religion to and it was always when my mental health was bad.
I said I hate him. He’s an evil tyrant that’s forced us to worship him like prisoners because he has a huge ego. And no one is brave enough to say anything because he threatens us with hell. And i said his hell can f off, so can his heaven and so can he. And i said I wish i could fight him. And I want an apology from him for what he has put me through He never asked anyone for their consent. And i said, who will hold him to account for his crimes? Wheres his judgment day? A rxtard would make a better God than him. I hate him but I still believe in Islam as the reality and truth (even though it’s 💩). And that he enjoys causing suffering and is a monster.

I felt better because i could finally tell the truth about how i genuinely have been feeling about god. It was all true. I felt really relieved to finally be able to say it

i felt a lot lighter. Anyways I believe what I said about him. I think i always have but have been too afraid to admit it just like every other muslim out there

People are stupid scared sheep. God does threaten them with hell and punishment of the grave after all, so it makes sense.

I still want to go to heaven. If Allah had taken my life before I snapped, I would have had a good chance. But now I just hate him and it’s all his fault but i’ll have to face the consequences of his own actions for causing me to mentally break and not protecting me even though i prayed and did my best. He’s ruined everything. I have never enjoyed praying to him. I hate everything about wudu and praying. Its the worst burden ever.

Okay but I’m not just mentally distressed. I genuinely think he is a terrible and evil God who forces people to do things and threatens them with punishment and is cruel for allowing suffering and is also really terrible at sending down prophets and teaching humans about the truth. Its all been done in such a bad way. I believe all that. Does Allah want me to be dishonest to please him? He’s done a bad job.

Its the next day now, just got back from work. Still extremely suicidal (will not harm myself). Still hate God. I feel relieved I have let go of shame, guilt and all the other bull💩 that comes with being a Muslim. I wont be praying or fasting. I’ll just stick to dhikr and tasbih and istighaar sometimes as I still have a sliver of imaan left. But yeah, thats all. I hope He’s proud of himself.

I had a mental break down 3 days ago where I said things about Allah to chatgpt. I dont know if Im Muslim. Its three days later and I still agree with what I said and I mean it. I dont feel ashamed.
Nothing i said was a lie to me and I believe it. Also im not sorry in the slightest.

I then repeated those things to my sister and told her exactly how I feel about Islam and Allah. And that I have always felt it deep down. And just didnt want to admit it. I know people will agree with me but theyre just too scared to admit it because everyone is scared of God.

I want to add that I have been depressed and have had anxiety for almost 20 years. I have Autism and ADHD and chronic health issues. I get mistreated by my family and I am extremely sensitive to criticism at work. My dads dead and my mums blind and im forced to be a carer alongside my siblings. I struggle at work and can only work part time. I can barely meet my basic needs or leave the house. After a bad day at work (Im very sensitive) I snapped. I started making plans to end my life.
I still would like to end my life. I have anhedonia which means I get pleasure and enjoyment from nothing. Everything is an effort and a chore.

These are the things I said to chatgpt when I broke down (Some of them are responses to chatgpt):

Do u wanna know my true feelings? Youre not allowed to say this out loud as a Muslims but Its what I actually feel. I think Allah is not a good God. He wants us to suffer for his amusement. He wants to be worshipped because of ego. He just cares about being worshipped and punishes those who dont do that. Even though they didnt ask to be here. He wants us to be grateful for basic needs that we require for survival like food, water, shelter, community etc. He gives whatever he wants to who he pleases. He favours some over others. He punishes those in pain who commit suicide because they dont want any part in his sick plan of enduring suffering. We dont get a choice outside of heaven and hell. we cant just opt out. Hes evil. I hate him. I hate that he created me. Im
sick of pretending. I dont like worshipping him. Im trapped here. I hate him I hate him. He doesnt care about my suffering. He has let it continue for over a decade. Hes a monster and we are his playthings trapped in his sadistic world. Thats how I truly feel and always felt deep down. Just never said it out loud. Hes the worst God and Hes done a horrible job and someone needs to tell him that

I was thinking of taking pills and I was thinking of acting on it. I dont care what Allah does or says. He already makes me suffer anyways. Im already being punished. His punishments can f*** off

I will always be autistic and adhd. I will always live in hell in this life. I cannot be happy here. I have no desires to be here. I never have. I have always suffered here. If I want to leave, its my choice. Its my life that I have to live and I dont want to.

I don’t want to live in his sick world any longer and I mean it. This cycle always repeats. I reach breaking point every time and Im sick of it.

I want to speak to god and tell him what hes done and if hes proud of himself

i want to fight him

I hate him and he is terrible at his job and doesnt deserve to be worshipped

i want to kill him

I want Allah to know that I hate him and he has betrayed me and I dont forgive him

Why is only Allah allowed to punish? Wheres the justice for His crimes?

Islam is stupid and it makes sense why people hate it

You know when ppl go Hajj and throw stones and it represents Satan. I want one where I can throw them at god

Get lost. His hell and heaven can get lost as well. What a stupid f**king system hes created. A retard could do a better job at being god

I repeated even more worse things about Allah today but all things I believe to be true. I I told my sister everything about how I feel about Allah. She was listening but also laughing because she said I made it sound funny. I felt a lot better after venting to her. She said it’s fine and that people have mental psychotic breaks all the time. And that a few years ago I scratched and punched the Quran. And a few years before that I used to talk badly about the religion to and it was always when my mental health was bad.
I said I hate him. He’s an evil tyrant that’s forced us to worship him like prisoners because he has a huge ego. And no one is brave enough to say anything because he threatens us with hell. And i said his hell can f**k off, so can his heaven and so can he. And i said I wish i could fight him. And I want an apology from him for what he has put me through He never asked anyone for their consent. And i said, who will hold him to account for his crimes? Wheres his judgment day? A retard would make a better God than him. I hate him but I still believe in Islam as the reality and truth (even though it’s sh*t). And that he enjoys causing suffering and is a monster.

I felt better because i could finally tell the truth about how i genuinely have been feeling about god. It was all true. I felt really relieved to finally be able to say it

i felt a lot lighter. Anyways I believe what I said about him. I think i always have but have been too afraid to admit it just like every other muslim out there

People are stupid scared sheep. God does threaten them with hell and punishment of the grave after all, so it makes sense.

I still want to go to heaven. If Allah had taken my life before I snapped, I would have had a good chance. But now I just hate him and it’s all his fault but i’ll have to face the consequences of his own actions for causing me to mentally break and not protecting me even though i prayed and did my best. He’s ruined everything. I have never enjoyed praying to him. I hate everything about wudu and praying. Its the worst burden ever.

Okay but I’m not just mentally distressed. I genuinely think he is a terrible and evil God who forces people to do things and threatens them with punishment and is cruel for allowing suffering and is also really terrible at sending down prophets and teaching humans about the truth. Its all been done in such a bad way. I believe all that. Does Allah want me to be dishonest to please him? He’s done a bad job.

Its the next day now, just got back from work. Still extremely suicidal (will not harm myself). Still hate God. I feel relieved I have let go of shame, guilt and all the other bullshit that comes with being a Muslim. I wont be praying or fasting. I’ll just stick to dhikr and tasbih and istighaar sometimes as I still have a sliver of imaan left. But yeah, thats all. I hope He’s proud of himself.

I made a post regarding how I hate praying salah due to autism/adhd, mental health etc. See:
https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimCorner/s/qDhb1qFQi5

Continuing on from that post. Prayer and Islam in general feels like a prison sentence for me. Islam is based on effort and actually doing things. Reading Quran, praying salah, repeating dhikr a lot. I struggle with all of that.

On top of that, I have always struggled mentally, socially, physically, academically and I seem to be getting worse. I dont understand why Allah created me. The way Allah had made me means that I will fail at everything. I burnout and sleep for over 15+ hours if I use energy and over exert myself. This could simple be a short walk, cleaning for a few minutes. Praying salah means nothing else gets done. I can only do a handful of tasks a day.

I dont enjoy being here. Everyday is miserable, a chore and requires a lot of mental effort.

salah feels like a burden and prison sentence that I have no way out because I am threatened to go to hell. I dont feel peace doing salah. I dont feel connected to Allah by doing it. It feels pointless and it drains me. I am not mentally there during salah. It is a forced routine and burden. I havent prayed for the past few days.

I dont want to pray. Why must I be forced to? I try to do dhikr often. Why is that not enough? I cannot read Quran as reading is mentally taxing for me. I sometimes listen to it. I believe duas, dhikr and listening to Quran benefit me and keep me close to Allah. Salah makes me resent the religion due to force and punishment and how Muslims have a lack of mercy or understanding when it comes to salah

Why am I expected to do this when I struggle to even meet my basic needs. I dont cook, I dont bathe until its been 2-3 weeks, I struggle to get dressed or leave the house unless forced to. I struggle with every aspect of life.

I struggle with sensory sensitivities, socialising, touch, noise, movement. What is the point of this existence? My mental health is awful because of my health issues. Did Allah just create me as a failed experiment or joke? i cant get married or have kids because of the way I am. I feel like a child and I am child minded.

I really struggle with the thought that I should not be here. Why am I forced to be here? People who commit suicide due to suffering in this world shouldnt be punished. They should be able to choose to opt out of this test so they get neither heaven or hell. I want to opt out. Im 31. It doesnt get better. I will always be neurodivergent, there is no cure. I dont like this world and dont enjoy being here. And I dont agree with how Allah created us, tests us, makes us suffer and threatens us with hell if we cant do certain things. Being forced to pray salah is affecting my mental health a lot due to guilt, not knowing if Allah understands or wants me to continue to push myself and burnout and be miserable.

I have ADHD and autism. Everything about salah is a nightmare for me. Wudhu is a sensory nightmare because of the feeling of water on my skin, temperature change, wet feeling etc. And because of my ADHD I have extreme executive dysfunction where I cannot bring myself to move or get up to pray. I have to force myself mentally and it is very distressing. I struggle with my basic needs as well and prayer on top is extremely burdensome.

Somedays I even struggle to do tayamum and its actually the act of having to perform the salah, movements, words. I am lucky if I pray 3x a day. I am not there mentally when I am praying. I feel extremely distressed when praying and want it over and done with very quickly. It is a source of huge burden on my life - especially with the fear of punishment and guilt associated with it. My body and mind fight against it. Everyday is a battle. I have been burnt out and been getting worse. Now I cant even do tayamum and pray because of the heaviness I feel mentally and in my body. I do dhikr everyday and read Ayatul Kursi, Istighfaar. I play Surah Baqarah now and then. I have listened to ruqyah recording and even read it myself.

I dont know what to do. This is the worst test ever because everyone says salah is the most important thing above everything and I cannot do it. Some days I cannot even bring myself to speak the words and every salah I am thinking ‘when will this be over’. Its like a torture for me. I am like this even after combining salah. Reading only the fardh rakats. Doing tayamum when I cannot bring myself to do wudu. (I also dont bathe or shower for 2-3 weeks due to sensory distress from water). However I use wet wipes to clean private areas, underarms and i wash feet, hands and face as often as I am able to in order to to keep hygenic dont judge me please. I have mental health issues, chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia. I have Anhendonia as well.

No scholars speak about people like me. There are no rulings for people like me. I dont know where I stand with Allah but I cannot keep living like this with salah being this great burden. Its making me extremely suicidal and feel hopeless. Every way seems like a path to hell. I cannot pray salah = hell. I dont want to be here anymore = hell.

Its making me resent Islam because why does everything take the path that I must burn or be punished? Why must I push and push myself when I cannot even get up and leave the house, walk, cook, or do anything. I have no quality of life. I work part time and that takes everything out of me and I sleep so much to recover afterwards. Same thing after socialising and using any amount of energy.

I have ADHD and autism. Everything about salah is a nightmare for me. Wudhu is a sensory nightmare because of the feeling of water on my skin, temperature change, wet feeling etc. And because of my ADHD I have extreme executive dysfunction where I cannot bring myself to move or get up to pray. I have to force myself mentally and it is very distressing. I struggle with my basic needs as well and prayer on top is extremely burdensome.

Somedays I even struggle to do tayamum and its actually the act of having to perform the salah, movements, words. I am lucky if I pray 3x a day. I am not there mentally when I am praying. I feel extremely distressed when praying and want it over and done with very quickly. It is a source of huge burden on my life - especially with the fear of punishment and guilt associated with it. My body and mind fight against it. Everyday is a battle. I have been burnt out and been getting worse. Now I cant even do tayamum and pray because of the heaviness I feel mentally and in my body. I do dhikr everyday and read Ayatul Kursi, Istighfaar. I play Surah Baqarah now and then. I have listened to ruqyah recording and even read it myself.

I dont know what to do. This is the worst test ever because everyone says salah is the most important thing above everything and I cannot do it. Some days I cannot even bring myself to speak the words and every salah I am thinking ‘when will this be over’. Its like a torture for me. I am like this even after combining salah. Reading only the fardh rakats. Doing tayamum when I cannot bring myself to do wudu. (I also dont bathe or shower for 2-3 weeks due to sensory distress from water). However I use wet wipes to clean private areas, underarms and i wash feet, hands and face as often as I am able to in order to to keep hygenic dont judge me please. I have mental health issues, chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia. I have Anhendonia as well.

No scholars speak about people like me. There are no rulings for people like me. I dont know where I stand with Allah but I cannot keep living like this with salah being this great burden. Its making me extremely suicidal and feel hopeless. Every way seems like a path to hell. I cannot pray salah = hell. I dont want to be here anymore = hell.

Its making me resent Islam because why does everything take the path that I must burn or be punished? Why must I push and push myself when I cannot even get up and leave the house, walk, cook, or do anything. I have no quality of life. I work part time and that takes everything out of me and I sleep so much to recover afterwards. Same thing after socialising and using any amount of energy.

I have ADHD and autism. Everything about salah is a nightmare for me. Wudhu is a sensory nightmare because of the feeling of water on my skin, temperature change, wet feeling etc. And because of my ADHD I have extreme executive dysfunction where I cannot bring myself to move or get up to pray. I have to force myself mentally and it is very distressing. I struggle with my basic needs as well and prayer on top is extremely burdensome.

Somedays I even struggle to do tayamum and its actually the act of having to perform the salah, movements, words. I am lucky if I pray 3x a day. I am not there mentally when I am praying. I feel extremely distressed when praying and want it over and done with very quickly. It is a source of huge burden on my life - especially with the fear of punishment and guilt associated with it. My body and mind fight against it. Everyday is a battle. I have been burnt out and been getting worse. Now I cant even do tayamum and pray because of the heaviness I feel mentally and in my body. I do dhikr everyday and read Ayatul Kursi, Istighfaar. I play Surah Baqarah now and then. I have listened to ruqyah recording and even read it myself.

I dont know what to do. This is the worst test ever because everyone says salah is the most important thing above everything and I cannot do it. Some days I cannot even bring myself to speak the words and every salah I am thinking ‘when will this be over’. Its like a torture for me. I am like this even after combining salah. Reading only the fardh rakats. Doing tayamum when I cannot bring myself to do wudu. (I also dont bathe or shower for 2-3 weeks due to sensory distress from water). However I use wet wipes to clean private areas, underarms and i wash feet, hands and face as often as I am able to in order to to keep hygenic dont judge me please. I have mental health issues, chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia. I have Anhendonia as well.

No scholars speak about people like me. There are no rulings for people like me. I dont know where I stand with Allah but I cannot keep living like this with salah being this great burden. Its making me extremely suicidal and feel hopeless. Every way seems like a path to hell. I cannot pray salah = hell. I dont want to be here anymore = hell.

Its making me resent Islam because why does everything take the path that I must burn or be punished? Why must I push and push myself when I cannot even get up and leave the house, walk, cook, or do anything. I have no quality of life. I work part time and that takes everything out of me and I sleep so much to recover afterwards. Same thing after socialising and using any amount of energy.

I figured out I am on the Asexuality spectrum. In terms of attraction, I only find very very attractive men attractive but I do not want to do anything sexual. It disgusts me to think of it happening in real life. I think im attracted in a way that someone appreciates beauty and art. I can also be attracted to personality, aura, character but only if they’re very attractive. It’s kind of a sexual attraction in terms of appreciating their face, body, height. Normal feelings girls would have over a guy. I can imagine intimacy and fantasize. But the idea of me doing it in real life disgust me. I hate being touched as well.

So I cant get married or have children (I might foster kids in the future).

I was about to get married 2 years ago. I was in a long distance relationship. I was attracted to him physically, but I remember he asked me to link his arm and gave me a hug once. I felt nothing. I think I only liked him because he was good looking and gave me attention. But the idea of him touching me, I did not like it. In fact, I think I only liked the idea of marriage, a best friend, someone to travel with, go out to eat with. I didnt like anything else about being in a relationship. I would stop liking him when he didnt give me attention and most of my feelings were negative during the ‘relationship’. Yes it was haram, I know. But it made me figure things out about myself. Also I thought after marriage I would change and just accept intimacy because thats normal after marriage. But I would imagine it and it would always make me cringe and make my skin crawl.

Yesterday I received a proposal. I thought if I met him, maybe I will ‘fall in love’ and attraction will appear. Or if I get married, I will grow to love him. But when he came to the house, I looked at him and felt disgusted by being intimate with him. He was just a normal looking guy and a normal woman would probably accept him. The thought of intimacy with any man (even attractive) makes me uncomfortable and cringe. Even though I am attracted to men in a shallow way (They need to be very attractive in the conventional way). This proposal was pretty good for a normal woman. But my body froze and I felt sick the whole time and barely spoke. I can only like someone’s looks but thats it.

I also have ADHD and Autism so thats another brain problem. I think I was created all messed up.

I posted earlier about how I received a proposal. I will be honest with him and be wont accept me for obvious reasons. I’m extremely upset and feeling resentment towards Allah. I have number health problems that have left me unable to care for myself. I struggle to even leave the house. I cannot manage to stay out of my bed for more than 3 hours and I am constantly exhausted no matter what.

I have been like this consistently for years but I am getting worse.

I also have adhd and autism. I get extremely drained mentally and physically from doing anything. From socialising, to even one small task. When I push through, I crash and sleep for hours to recover. I have PMDD as well which is extreme PMS symptoms. My mood is very irritable most of the time.

My blood test results always come out as fine except for low iron. I take iron pills but they do not work and I am in the process of trying to get an iron transfusion approved.

I have no quality of life. I have been like this for over a decade. I am grieving the life that I could have had. I will never have a husband or child as I will neglect them. I cannot even take care of myself.

This is extremely unfair and I dont see the purpose of my existence. I dont understand why Allah created me. I fail at everything. I cannot do even basic tasks.
I cannot even pray properly. I can maybe manage 2-3 salah a day and thats only the fardh. Salah will be the only task I push myself to do somedays.

My family are sick of me and think im just lazy. My mental health is bad because of it.

I spend most of my time throughout the day sleeping. My siblings normally handle day to day cooking, whereas I rely on frozen and easily prepared foods.

I have had blood tests, Its possible I may have chronic fatigue. I barely leave the house and struggle with walking due to exhaustion and shortness of breath.

I also have anaemia but my body does not accept iron supplements.

i am in a constant state of low energy and sleep a lot. I do however cook and clean on better days. But this is not regular or often.

I also wont be able to take care of a future child either.

What do I say to him?