I make my mind during the day to achieve something even if its not something great and very next morning i wake up drained, feeling like im going some funeral in my head, only procrastinating, feeling helpless I hate being like this
Its unfortunate to be born here,I used to get 60€ social assistance every month and they removed that last year ,getting a job is impossible, healthcare is not accessible, how am I supposed to continue living in this hell on earth
Bro these people come by surprise, not even informing they will come until you see them at the door, jeez who goes uninvited on other people houses
Me pyeti tezja nderkohe qe merr 500€ cdo muaj assistance ne itali pervec 3 rrogave mujore qe marrin si familje vret mendjen pse bejm greve ,jane shkeputur nga realiteti fare keta qe jane jashte
Constant stress, depression frustration with life made me grind my teeth day and night,woesr part is i wasn't aware doing it
I applied for a passport and the guy who worked there asked me if I had any education and I said no,he and 2 other cops looked at me like I was a garbage, 10 seconds of silence staring at me and one cop told him to continue, these people have it so difficult to comprehend some of us can fail ,I know not having education is basically death sentence where I live but why make it so obvious
I don't even have a sim card nor WhatsApp or messenger app to talk at people, I dislike phone calls from strangers I only talk 2 of my sisters because old one i don't talk anymore,I had few contacts through the years but I decided to block one by one until I keep 2 contacts only
I said I quit a game a month ago which I did ,and I was in a discord group about the game and I quit without telling anyone, now I get emails that i have been mentioned in discord,now im anxious to log in again and tell them i quit and sad I went absent without telling anyone
This is hell, i don't smoke or consume anything harmful, keep flossing and brushing twice daily but nope it is getting worse, it has started 3 years ago when I started experience severe dry mouth and it hasn't stopped
Seems like all psychologist who have studied hikikomori agree that after 3 years everything becomes complicated for us,I did try twice to break isolation, the second one was 5 year after I dropped high-school,now it has been more than 10 years for me I can see why its so complicated considering everyone my age is married and built a career while I reset all the progress I did until high-school and went back to point 0
We will never know the answer if its real or not,we get reborn ,get memory whipe and restart life again ,having good life or a bad one ,questioning meaning of it over and over its insanity
It was not a woman, there was a religious rich guy who came at my house in 2019 and keept offering a job ,I told no ,he came again after Muslim holiday few days ago and offered a job again I said no
Everyone forgets that we can be reborn in every color, environment and situation there is,should this be a motivation to force people to act better,old proverb from my country says fear is what keeps orchard safe, inducing fear of afterlife would motivate everyone to act better towards one another,idea of hell doesn't work because it has been used by churches for centuries to control the masses, reincarnation however is different because none can escape it
Government of my country randomly decided to offer free hrt to people who want to swap genders, they opened hrt centers ,but for someone like me who needs it must pay or live with consequences, only those who change gender will qualify meanwhile for me its been years living with hypogonadism
I got out for a walk today,took the path that I used to go to school, wish I didn't it made me feel horrible, got a surge of memories I didn't knew I had, it has been 11 years since I haven't walked that path even though its not far away, I saw shortcut route my best friend used to take and immediately avoided it, I saw a villa of a rich guy who died 2 years ago ,apparently he was really wealthy and the spike of cholesterol gave him a heart attack, I walked a bit further there's the house of another used to be friend of mine, now he's in Croatia married with a stable job, he has an aggressive dog that used to chase people, dog is still alive ,old and didn't barked much, bit further is the house of my dad friend ,he used to have a horse used it for labor ,not anymore since he got diagnosed with heart problems, , I saw 2 mountains that usually are covered on snow until june, took a few pics, and there's a narrow path covered bit further,i always founded scary ,oak bushes both sides , i injured someone really bad there once I ripped his shoe as far as I remember, funny thing I almost got attacked by a shepherd dog at same spot on my last day of school, I walked more and I could see the house of my dad cousin, he was deaf and had a lot of children one of which used to be my classmate, he sold everything and moved away ,i think it was good decision,now he spent time playing chess with old people as far as I heard,his daughter was quite capable individual, she used to work at age of 15 ,moved away from house and used to hang out with men and she put my cousin in trouble at young age by introducing to a much older man who left her pregnant by age 18, I used to judge her back than I just find it odd how alienated I became, I felt like a ghost, its horrid feeling, sorry if I wrote alot of nonsense its just made me think alot about what im supposed to do ,I don't want to go back again 10 years or 20 later and think how im stuck with same memories while my brain is starving to make new ones
I think i have contributed my dad death, he died from alcohol, and he used to do alcohol himself, when i was in school there were alot of trees ,plums mulberries and grapes around and by difficult terrain the fruits needed to be picked by hand, my dad used to gaslight me that if I had to make the money to buy new clothes and school books I had to pick the fruits so he could make alcohol and sell it,obviously he drink half of it ,only by my labor he made at least 40 barrels every summer, and it came a point he died, i did ut all for nothing because I couldn't pursue education any further
My neighbours moved to another country to work in agriculture ,2 years and they have not came back once, both are at retirement age its crazy
I forget day of the week,date sometimes the year,when i was in school I used to remember everything because I looked forward to holidays and weekends
I found a special edition for 130€ ,good deal