u/OneLargeCoffeePls

My (24M) girlfriend (25F) of 3 years and 9 months broke up with me (for the 100th time) a few days ago and I can't process it. She has bpd and isn't medicated and doesn't go to therapy, and it's not something she's even considering. We spent a whole year a half being on and off every single month because of her episodes. There was a time between Oct 2023 and Jan 2024 when we lived together until we had to go back to living with our parents because of her family. After that, things started going downhill slowly but painfully.

That's around the time she quit her medication (which she wasn't even taking regularly). Honestly, it helped her a lot but she hates the idea of taking any kind of medication, even painkillers. She was taking half the prescribed dose every other day instead of daily, which had a lot of negative effects.

I've always been patient and understanding. She appreciated that a lot and even felt guilty about it frequently. She told me several times to leave and find someone who can treat me better but I refused and reassured her that I loved her and only wanted her and that I want her to heal at her own pace so she doesn't feel any pressure. Unfortunately, things kept getting worse. Her splits became worse and more frequent no matter what I did. Her behavior became more hurtful and dismissive of my feelings. There was almost zero space for me to express how unloved I felt because if I did, it brings us back to the "find someone else" thing.

She wasn't willing to change, even when she promised to try. She contemplated going back to therapy but never went through with it. I started learning about DBT so I could use it to handle things better, but nothing I did was enough. The loop only got worse and more frequent. It was extremely hard for me to balance work, study, our relationship, and my health all at the same time which led to almost no progress in any of them. She wanted me to do better financially but also wanted me to be present all the time. My sleep schedule was tied to hers and I lost sleep every single day just to be present, which was harmful to my learning and work progress (I'm a beginner in trading).

Fast forward to this year, she came up with the idea that we're not officially a couple but we're loyal to each other and etc. Of course I had to keep providing everything she expected of me so I don't lose her and explicitly said many times that I shouldn't expect anything in return until things with my work and future are clear, which is beyond my control. Trading is highly uncertain and unpredictable. We come from a conservative Arab background so I have to be fully stable and doing extremely well.

She talked about breaking up and marrying someone else just so she could have the stability she needs so many times over the past year, until she got to a point where she realized that she can't even imagine being with someone else. Still, no action was taken towards positive change no matter how much gently begged for it.

It got to a point 2 months ago where she confessed to disrespecting me solely because I'm not financially comfortable and that was like a huge slap in the face. I started working 12-17 hours daily and I literally had no time to eat or sleep but I still made time for her. It got so extremely exhausting but I didn't complain to her because I wanted to prove myself to her. They eventually laid me off because it's seasonal but I had some money saved up and I applied to many other jobs with no response until 2 days ago but she doesn't know because we're not talking. I graduated in January and it was impossible to find a decent paying job as a student so that's why I wasn't doing good enough.

Anyways, the disrespect kept getting worse. When she splits she cusses me and my entire family and even my religion, which she was following before she became agnostic. She kept getting extremely upset over the smallest things, like me falling asleep for a couple of minutes while taking to her or not understanding her clues when she's flirting sexually. She never considered the fact that I may be tired because of my fucked up sleep schedule. She knows I'm autistic and I'm bad with hints especially when I'm tired but that didn't mean anything to her. I used to give her what she wanted several times when I wasn't even in the mood just to avoid upsetting her.

She feels extremely guilty now but stated that she doesn't want to change and doesn't want to get back with me and doesn't want me to have any hope for us. It's been 3 days and I feel so lost and like I'm dissociating.

Nothing I did was ever good enough. My feelings were insignificant 95% of the time. My needs were always dismissed. Most of the time she wouldn't even talk to me softly or call me pet names or even ask me how I'm doing. All I wanted was affection, respect, and understanding, which are all the bare minimum. I don't hate her but this is the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life, and I only talked about SOME of the things that I went through, not everything I had to tolerate.

Happy Sunday everyone

شاركوا بصورة المج المفضل

Street/casual style or formal/ smart?

Posting again, looking for friends

Just turned 24

Need to vent and to understand

Looking for friends

Salmon bowl with veggies and rice

Tiramisu with homemade ladyfingers