u/Pale-Newspaper-1586

I was molested and manipulated by a friend for 4 years (COCSA) and for the past 7 years, she’s been in my dreams almost every night. It’s a different dream every time, often we reconnect with each other, and this either goes well or horribly. Sometimes I get mad and yell at her and get physically violent because my waking body remembers what she put me through. and sometimes she’s so nice to me just like before, so I push aside everything. Often she’s molests me again after gaining trust.
I usually have extremely vivid dreams regardless of if she’s in them, but this makes the bad stuff particularly worse. It feels like real life interactions every time, and I get so scared and have to hide it.

Last nights dream was particularly awful, we were hanging out as friends, doing crafts. She didn’t make any sexual jokes or anything and I’ve been quite lonely lately so I was happy to have a friend. Then when we’re watching a movie she grabs my torso and whispers in my ear, and tells me every traumatic instance. She tells me private things that I never knew, with dates. I tell her she ruined my life and I can never be intimate with someone. She molests me again and tries to rape me multiple times. Each I am fighting with all my strength to get her off.

I am tired. I don’t know how to cope when I wake up from these dreams. I feel like she is sending them to me to fuck with me. I don’t know what to think, I’m scared to go to sleep. I can’t live while remembering these dreams through the day. And it’s so awful, I feel every touch, every single one.

I feel distanced from my body and my soul is so small. I’m tired. I failed first year university and have been job searching for months with no luck. My friends are draining me I can’t even text back. I keep holding onto hate that’s not mine but hate stays so long. Longer than good stuff yk.
Told my therapist about the furniture coming alive and she said it was because I am stressed and need to meditate, I meditate often. Throughout the year increasing things have happened to me and through me. I have come to the conclusion that inter dimensional beings are experimenting on me. They put me through trials to see how I react. To test the human ability.

The only thing I noticed is no ones reacting around me. My parents don’t wanna deal w me because they’re disappointed, my therapist just sits there, my psychiatrist says that stress is helpful, I told her I’m having existential thoughts and she said it’s good. It’s good. If I have another nose bleed again I will know if the doctors are experimenting again. I’ve been meditating to try and contact some sort of good power and no one wants to see me.

I think I am lonely. I used to feel lonely all the time but I think I’ve gone numb to it now. I prefer to be alone anyways. It’s hard because when people enter my life they leave it worse off. And I have had some strange thinking for a long time. All I care about is my comfort as if it’s my last day on earth. Every night I have awfully vivid dreams. I’m not really living and I’m too anxious to try. I just get sad. Knowing this dimension isn’t for me doesn’t help shit, I wanna be someone worth being. I know I’m more than this I wish I had the energy to be.

I’m scared to tell her. I don’t wanna be crazy. my reality is shifted to the right, and if I think about it a get a dropping feeling in my throat like when you’re on a rollercoaster. If I stare at patterns like the floor or wall for too long it starts to move and I get dots in my vision. I’ve been self isolating a lot and sometimes I get in these episodes where my furniture is alive. I like feel that it’s watching me or waiting for me or something. I remember once I had a bad day and I thought my desk was murdered? It was sad. I also struggle with existential and abstract thoughts so if I try to focus on an object to calm down I begin to think of the beginning of the object and the eventual decay and death of the object. And then i think in bigger terms of how the universe will end and go into God and how we are all one, but I think the God that created us is of different nature than the God we will end as together. I can’t help but observe my thoughts and feelings as chemical reactions and I feel like something is leaking into my brain, something bad that distorts my reality negatively that doesn’t want the best for me. Sometimes I misperceive things, like the water in the walls was a woman talking on the phone and I can hear my phone across the room when it’s in my hand. Or I mistake objects for things and stuff. Even in my head everything is looped or echoey and my thought sound slowed or distorted. I feel as though I have to write things down because it’s so significant and I lose myself in these states of mind. When this happens it feels like a trance or a bad high, I really only smoke weed once a month and I only have a few puffs. Even now I haven’t smoked in months. I have trouble talking to people and anxious. When I’m happy things feel bright and saturated and when I’m sad things go grey. I feel trapped in my head all the time and I just keep thinking myself deeper into it. This has been happening all year.

I have vivid dreams every night and it’s affecting my waking life, it starts to feel like one as well.