u/Parking_Drummer_9117

I was at my worst during covid when it came to disordered eating and hardly anyone noticed because it was under the guide of vegetarianism. I basically recovered on my own at a pretty young age and for a solid 4 years I hardly ever had ed inclinations (or as little as you can with the skinnypocolypse going on rn). But I began lurking on here as well as the more unhealthy spaces still lingering on Tumblr and such and I'm wondering if I'm headed for relapse. It's super hard to tell because I also have a lot of digestive issues and recently got a tentative hEDS diagnosis and I suspect also POTs. I feel more vulnerable to my mind lately and I don't know how to focus on helping my chronic illnesses while also resisting the pull back into ed.

Tagged as nsfw just in case ,I do mention accidentally cutting myself.

My ankle skin is basically the super stereotypical heds very soft stretchy skin and coupled with my ankles being my most hyper flexible and most used joint, I'm used to them being heavily bruised and cut up. But recently, and I don't know what the trigger is, my skin has been extra fragile and sensitive and I was shaving my legs like usual and it folded up and what would've been a small nick became four pretty hefty cuts into my skin. Just wondering if anyone else has experience with this and how they avoid it/treat it because I feel like most standard wound healing techniques take way longer with me or just don't work and I scar more than most people.

Probable diagnosis of POTs, diagnosed with hEDS

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I had my first big flareup (that I recognized after realizing I have POTS) the other day because I was out in the sun for a while and it was so terrible it triggered a lot of emotional deregulation as well as feeling out of control of my body. Luckily I was able to call in to my internship the next day (which is mostly working outdoors) and my boss was sympathetic about it because it's an organization that works with a lot of people with disabilities but I still can't stop feeling so guilty about productivity with these illnesses. I know it's important to advocate for myself but every time I do it I hear all the people who've told me I use my invisible disabilities as excuses. How have more seasoned people with POTs navigated this feeling of guilt? Do you ever just stop caring about people who make you feel bad? I know this might seem trivial but it keeps on coming up in the cyclical physical/mental nature of this condition and I'm lost as to how to navigate it.

I added future self but this is really just to myself and the insecurities I feel. tw for eating disorder and related topics

Dear body,

There is an urge to become smaller, as if closer to the aether. Trim down, as they say. No hunger, no body fat, no buoyancy, no energy, no desires, no sexuality and no humanity. I am not of the earth, I am a floating thing above it. I am not a woman, doomed to my womanhood and the oppression which comes with it. I am a thing beyond external sex characteristics, blood and arousal. Eventually, I won't even need oxygen. In the end, it is the most feminine of things. It's divine. It's what everyone here wants. I am a needless thing, empty and ready to be filled with whatever anyone wants from me.

Best,

Me

Ft. Myself being dramatic

I'm sorry I left you on that ledge. I couldn't jump off the precipice with you and it makes me feel so weak. In fact, it was weakness that was at the forefront of my mind. Would falling for you condemn me to weakness? To all the animal desires for love and protection that we all have? I guess I've spent most of my life pretending I don't have those needs, starving myself in order to distance myself from everything beating, warm, and hungry. And I felt the tug of it all, the call of a forest I'd locked away within the darkest chambers of my heart, and I knew if I pulled on it it would come sundering through my whole system, spreading through my veins and setting me alight. But the fire has always drawn me, like a moth, only to burn my eyes. And I am, after all, only an animal like anyone else, and I learned to flinch before the flames of your love ever reached me. Even if they were soft, caressing hands, I would not have known, for I had already run to the familiar, comfortable pain of the cold. I'm so sorry for my faithlessness, my infedelity of spirit, my fear and my overwrought circling. When I looked in your eyes, I saw a reflection of me I did not recognize, and before I could see if the change was for better or worse, I had already run from any change at all. I still think about you, I hope this makes sense.