u/Particular_Screen980

anyone feeling the same and wanna talk through it?

my ex and i broke up about a month ago, and today we met up in person to finalize things and exchange our things. we talked for 3 hours and had a really intense conversation, but there was something he told me that really stuck

he said “during our entire relationship, all you ever cared about was looks.” i was immediately offended.. there are many things i hate about myself, but i had never thought of myself as shallow or vain before. i said, “but i care so much about school,” and he gave me a look and said “maybe you *care* about school, but you don’t really put the work in. once you graduate, i don’t know what you’re going to do. i don’t think you’ll amount to much”

i started crying as soon as he said this because he’s honestly right, and i really needed to hear it from someone. i used to have so much potential. i had so much motivation, so much passion. now, i’m just stuck here. it’s true, i don’t put the work in like i should. i’m so depressed all the time. how can i ever get a career in such a demanding field like this? i feel like all i am is a lazy disappointment with no purpose and no direction.

and about the looks, i think he’s right too. i think that since i hate everything about myself, knowing that i’m a conventionally pretty girl has been something that reassured me. at least i had one good quality. so i guess, in a way, i am obsessed with my appearance. i think if someone called me ugly i would immediately break down because it’s all i have. and that is so incredibly shallow.

i think i bring no contribution to this earth

i hate everything about myself, but if there’s one thing i hate the most, it’s that i thrive off of sexual validation. i mean, when it comes to sex, i will practically do anything to be told i did a good job. and i always do get told that. the amount of “you’re a really fun girl” or “you’re the best i’ve ever had” that i’ve gotten does make me feel validated, but it also just makes me feel like this is the only thing i’ll ever be good for. is my purpose only to please others? i know this is horrible, but i would often force myself to have sex with my ex, even when i didn’t want to, just so he could have a good time. and i’ll do anything for my partner to have a good time. it almost feels like theatrics; how much hotter can i make myself? how much sexier can i act? it doesn’t matter if i don’t want to do it. what matters is that i get that “good girl” at the end, because that means i’m good at something. that maybe i’m actually desired for something. i don’t know how to stop this behavior and i don’t know where it comes from either. i just feel like a slut most of the time. does anyone else experience this?

i’ve been abroad for 2 months. led a completely different life. broke up with my boyfriend of two years. drank until i couldn’t anymore. had sex with someone new. traveled the world, and yet… i really can’t escape myself, can i? whatever this is, whatever i am, it’s truly going to follow me anywhere. it doesn’t matter what i do. it doesn’t matter how much medication i take. i’m stuck like this, forever, anywhere in the world. i can never escape. only through one thing…

sometimes i do think i am getting better. sometimes i do think i am making improvements, and working on myself, and trying to enjoy things. but then i look around me and i realize how utterly stupid i am for thinking so.

i recently broke up with my boyfriend. the emotional experience of it all is hard in and of itself, but what he said just completely broke me. he said that he had to tell my parents of my situation, because i have such a terrible problem, and that i need real professional help. and of course i know this, i know myself best after all. but the way he said it, with so much pity and concern, it made me feel sick.

and then i was talking to my mom about the break up, and she gave me a whole talk about being single now. how i need to be rational and make better decisions, how if something happens i need to tell her, how i can’t let my emotions take over me. it made me feel so completely useless and incompetent. my parents have done so much for me and all i have given back is worry and frustration. i feel like such a terrible daughter, friend, girlfriend, everything. i’m so deeply ashamed of the person i have become. i hate everything about me. i hate how much pain i bring to others. i had so much potential growing up; i was given everything i could ever want, yet i am such a failure and a disappointment and a waste of a human being. i know i am going to be this way forever. there is nothing inside of me capable of change or happiness. i am fated to wallow in my own self pity until my eventual suicide, and that is all i will ever be

i hate myself so strongly, so deeply, that no amount of therapy, or medication, or friendships, or relationships, or anything this world could ever offer me, would ever make it go away. i hate myself on such an innate, structural level, that the feeling has simply become an extension of my personality. that living without it would be becoming a completely different person. there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that could ever make me feel of value in this life; there is nothing that could make me enjoy the human experience on any significant level. it is like i was born with this darkness inside of me, and it will stay with me for as long as i am on this earth. it is not anything i can “work on” or “improve”. it is simply what i have learned to live with, what i have learned to tolerate. i am so envious of others; so envious of those who can make their own happiness, who don’t have to feel every emotion on maximum. sometimes i wish i was born as someone else, but i think that even if that were the case, i would only bring this rottenness to that body as well.