u/PeachyBaleen

I 31M am feeling extremely frustrated that I scare my 34F girlfriend all of the time. For context, we’ve been dating for almost 4 years and have lived together for the last year and a half.

It seems that whenever I enter a room/ walk around a corner, she gets scared/jumps and yells. This happens about 2-3 times a day. Sometimes, it happens when she’s cooking or watching TV (which I don’t find frustrating because that happens to everyone when distracted). Other times, she gets spooked and yells regardless despite me relocating mid-conversation with her.

I think the boiling point of my frustration was this morning at 3AM, where I was awoken via her screaming at me in bed. This is the second time it happened, as the first time was when I cut my hair from a giant Afro to bald and she didn’t recognize me as she was waking up, lol.

I am a pretty big guy, but I’ve never used my size to intimidate or coerce her (or anyone). When we have arguments, we always make sure that we respect each other and each other’s boundaries. We avoid cheap shots and if anything, the lack of words said is something we should work on. I’ve also never put my hands on her and never would. I think we have a healthy, strong relationship. I’ve voiced my frustrations and she promises that she’s not afraid of me but it is pretty demoralizing when your girlfriend Wilhelm screams every other interaction. It makes me feel like a bad person and even worse protector.

She’s been very open about her past experiences & relationships and has never dealt with domestic abuse or assault from other men, fortunately. If it was a trauma response, then I’d take it less personal and would support her with therapy/counseling to work through it. The absence of a (known) trigger makes me feel like her fear trigger. I am not mad at her for being jumpy, but I am frustrated that it happens so frequently with no clear solution.

When she was getting ready for work this morning, I walked over to the living room to express my feelings about the 3AM scream and I again scared her. I’ve shut down pretty hard since then, but want to talk about this tonight with her.

I want to marry her & probably would have proposed this fall if I didn’t get laid off in May. I just don’t know what to do and how to redirect my frustration so that I don’t accidentally or eventually take it out on her.