u/PeculiarDigger

Im from EU, and I find it hard to any place to actually get nootropics, like tak 653 and bromantane.

I have used Zion Pharma 2 times before, their products were okay and their were quite responsive regarding some questions I had. It is a few months ago since I last visited their website, but now it seems like they heavily encourge you to pay with cryptocurrency, which I find odd. Usually I don't understand why a pharma company would want cryptos for transsactions. Zion Pharma is the only really company in the EU I trust enough to buy supplements from, but now Im worried the products might not be the products I have order or that they are a lower quality and ultimatelly not worth the money.

Fuck we are just such a discriminating creature, and its even one of our greatest strength, its such a fucking ugly truth. I hope that we all die, it would give my heart so much rest.

I can't chase my dreams, I get a job, I can't move out of my house, I can't do my duties, I get way to easily discourage to do anything useful in life, and can't rest because of it. Theres so many ways to look at a situation, I tend to be biased towards that one that always critizes me. Its so meaningful to always priorities safety, and pay attention to where you are weakest.

The problem is that my highest priority in life is not to stay alive, but to be admired and be desired. Having that people actually like me, long to bond with me on a deep level. But I can't fucking taking it being on peoples bad side. (For a lack of better explaination)

I understand that I constantly feel like I have a part of me that should die. An ugly or self sabotaging part of me that hinders me from being accepted by the people around. Like not caring about my hygienes, not caring about being rude to other people, prefering to constantly isolate myself, etc, etc.

I understand that this is seemly a strong sign of depression and that I accept into my life. "Im fucking depressed, and I can't rarely find anything in the world that justifie my pain". I just want peace, thats why I fantasies about killing myself most evenings. Its a way for me get comfort out of my unrewarding, hopeless, complex, unfair life.

I can't really accept myself or my soul, because Im way too submissive to the fear of rejection.

"You compare yourself too much"

No shit, I can certainly see that people wants to put attention on some rather than others. I makes me feel in danger that Im do not get the same positive amout of attention and when I do its like people expect something I cannot give them out of me.

I seem to look at people as these soul eating monsters and I don't know what to do about it, because we all are to some degree, I can relate to the I don't really care about a person before they show a great vulnarability. Why should I care about a person who I feel like they worsens my mood or social vibe just by being there.

"You are projecting"

Ofcourse I am, If people around constantly reject me, then I quickly learn that I have to adapt to that rejection, my brain hyper focus on this feeling of rejection, then I "Regulate" theese parts of myself that people don't like so I do not get into more trouble or a worse reputation then I need to. So I get somewhat annoyed when other people can't adapt to these principals.

"You should not care about what other people think"

Ok but how the fuck do I even socialize if I don't even care about what other people think about me. How can I even intregate into to society.

Fuck, I can't deal with my emotions. It makes it so hard to be around people when I can't fucking regulate my own mood, I wished I was such a neurodivergent mess. I wish everything was more rewarding, I wish small things didn't have such a drastic effect on my mood.

I hoped psychology would help me, I really hoped depth psychology would help me. But Im kinda stuck. Its as if I don't really have problem getting to understand myself. Yes Im arrougant enough to say that. I primarily struggle to really value the things that would help me and devaule the things that harms me.

Its it just the root cause of my suffering. That my brain is not good with emotions. Yeah sure, but what is the solution, one is suicide the other continuous and tedious self improvement. Fuck I hate life.

I know this text is a mess and Im not even sorry about, its just how my brain works. Fuck it, life is so fucking hopeless. This shit can't be reality.

This post has nothing to do with jung, but I still seek an jungian understanding on whyyyyyy. On anything, actually any advice is welcomed. I will just ingore you if you come off as generic or too annoyed or too dismissive.

I ask here because I kinda began reflecting over that I probably ate poison hemlock as a kid.

It was just a weird thing I did, and I don't remember any side effects from it. I only stopped it because I told my mom and she became extremely worried about me. I googled the plant and it looks 95% as I remembered it. I feel kinda shocked that I might have eaten some of them, and didn't experience any sides notciable effects.

My thing is that Im also kinda worried that I might have some degree of brain damage, but never really understood why I have that. Lack of Sleep, concussion, etc. I became worried that Poison hemlock might had affected my brain, and would find some peace if anyone knew about it or could explain why I didn't seem to suffer any consquence from it.