u/Pickle_Ickle54

Hello, it’s the Fourth of July, and our system is particularly triggered by this, fireworks that is. We’ve dealt with this for the past 12 years and it’s not getting any better.

Our cohost is a trauma holder, specifically for things related to firearms. He gets really bad and violent flashbacks and it’s really disturbing to be apart of. The past few nights have been filled with terror, sadness, helplessness. He’s deeply emotional and will spend the entire night crying and having panic attacks because of his flashbacks. The only things that help are our emotional protector who will come and help him emotionally recover afterwards so we can function the day after. During it though, he’s inconsolable, no one can front with him, and he’s unable to care for himself.

We also have autism so we have noise canceling headphones but they don’t work as well as we hoped for things like this. Also when he gets overwhelmed with flashbacks he has a tendency to throw them off his head which adds another layer of complexity. Im at my wits end here, our therapist said to text if we need anything but if I or someone else can’t be there nothing will get sent. I have a plan with my partner for a rest day and maybe putting on a loud movie to help but we’ll see. This is the first year of having any kind of support for this so I’m pretty skeptical of things turning out well.

My family also doesn’t think we have any trauma and is actively trying to get us to go to shows and stuff, which we know from experience just makes it worse and re-traumatizes our trauma holder. Any support is welcome, thank you.

Hello, Im going to try and keep this short. I hold a lot for my system, and we don’t like to split very much. Our mind activity rejects it and makes it very very painful. The physical sensation is very distressing as if we’re actually being ripped apart in the headspace.

People have either split once, or no times. And Ive split 7-8 times possibly. Im not fully sure if this is a split but it sure feels like one. I woke up and I feel relatively the same maybe more muted. Like mellow.

For some reason I feel really embarrassed. Like I shouldn’t have split at all. I had the same feeling when I told my partner (who also has DID) that I possibly split again. Their response what really good, “I’ll love you because I love all parts of you” and it did makes me feel better, but also extremely embarrassed because I shouldn’t have needed to split.

I went digging to try and find out for sure (bad idea probably) and found a very blotchy image of what happened, but two names came to me: Jaqueline and September. These are kinda significant when you look at their meanings. Jaqueline means something like “carrier” and September means “seven” so in my head maybe the connection is, seventh split (for me) and carrier of something.

Im worried they carry anger, my anger. And while we’re not violent towards others, I can sometimes be violent towards my system. I have regrettably hurt them a lot. I looked in my journal for the days I don’t remember and the words were very violent towards system members. I need to get a handle on this before it gets worse or something happens. I didn’t mean to split and I don’t want to hurt anyone alter or not. But at this point I don’t have any communication with them. And I feel so embarrassed I haven’t told much of my system either. Im scared but also understand that they are me, my anger, and I need to be responsible in keeping them in check.

Anyways thanks for reading.

I stumbled across this concept last night when my partner and me (we both have DID) were discussing childhood photos and how we felt about them when we look at them. And I know I should probably be an expert on dissociation by know but my feelings towards the photos are always very numb, like I can say “that’s me.” But I don’t feel like I have any connection to them. My partner on the other hand feels nostalgic and somber, and he also loves taking pictures and videos of everything, I hate it so much. I can’t stand pictures or videos, even looking at myself in the mirror feels extremely weird.

My partner suggested that I might have a dissociated sense of self image, but when I went looking for what that could mean I couldn’t find anything other then dissociative sense of identity which I also have seeing as I have DID. The problem is I can’t identify the dissociation in my self image but I can in my self identity quite easily. Everyone in my system has very different and strong personalities, none of us look like the body, none of us are fully human either. Could that be part of the sense of self image? When I look in a mirror I don’t get startled or creeped out, just numb and neutral.

Everyone in my life has also told me Im pretty too, but Ive never understood what they see in me, I don’t really see attractiveness in other people either but other parts can identify beauty in others but still not ourselves. Maybe that’s another symptom of it? Idk it was something my partner brought up.

Anyways I thought this was weird because it’s not something Ive ever heard of before. It does seem like I might be dissociated from my sense of self image Í just don’t know if there is any sort of medically founded research on this and if so I would love to read it.

I journaled things that I don’t remember consciously, not just that someone writes something and I stumble across it. We don’t typically blend either, it’s either co-con or no one at all. Im the cohost and Ive been gone for about 3 weeks because my purpose is to keep us safe during school, and with it being the summer Ive gotten a bit of a vacation lol. But returning today has been harder then others, Ive been having a constant headache and I can’t remember anything during the time Í was gone even though I usually know at least something or someone writes down what happened. Our host did write in our journal and it just says “talk about our mom when I have the chance.” Then it says “I don’t remember what she did now.”

However, when I went to journal it felt like I could recall everything our host wanted to say without any of the memories. I wanted to talk about my experiences of the day because honestly they weren’t the best. But the only things I could conjure were things I never experienced. It felt like my words were highjacked when all I wanted was to have my own voice. I don’t feel like anyone else is here, no one in passive influence that I can identify or feeling like the host in anyways. I also suspect that we might be sick which might have also led to these things happening, I can’t quite think clearly unless I’m writing the things our host wanted to say yesterday and our headache along with me not having any sort of appetite and generally feeling unwell.

Our mom is also being very mean to us, so I know something happened there but I don’t know what or how to fix it without having the hosts words influencing me, maybe it is passive influence or just residual influence from a triggering yesterday idk maybe someone has some insight, maybe it’s just passive influence Ive never experienced before.

CW Mentions of SI, abuse in relation to food, and ARFID

We are starting to begin processing in therapy some of our trauma related to taking medication, and the fear of our suicide alter trying to overdose. The problem is, he’s also the only on that can take medication without fear/nausea. The fear for the rest of us partly due to the trauma of almost overdosing and our ARFID+ which has led to our fear of food/liquids not being prepared by us, and the fear of throwing up or choking.

(The more triggering part)
We’ve had abusers keep food from us for days, only for them to give us rotten or bland food. A normal dinner turns into a game of keeping ourselves safe from off food while keeping them happy. One of our protectors is completely vegetarian after days without food led him to eat roadkill as a last ditch effort to keep us alive. Our relationship with food is almost nonexistent coupled with the fact that our suicide alter keeps trying to die using medication we can’t really trust what’s going in our mouth. And while it’s probably one of our milder traumas all things considered Im still really worried about what will come up and how we will handle processing it. Im worried we will get more aversion to food and stop eating again because of all the memories being brought back up.

Those who have experienced with processing things in general how did it go? Was there a period of regression or did it only get better? Is there anything I should know before trying to process this?

We had quite a good experience with our partner recently. We don’t really trust people around our littles mainly because we are 1) autistic and sometimes that comes at the detriment of understanding when someone is trying to take advantage of us and 2) our littles are generally naive and look to try and be friends with everyone around them. Our partner who also has DID understands this and hasn’t pushed to interact with the littles.

We have has supervised little time with our partner with a protector there to keep watch, just for our comfort, they had fun, watched shows, colored, it was all in all great. (We can switch almost fully on command with the use of music only if nothing triggering is happening)

We have this one little who is the most like a “self” out of all of us, she doesn’t mask our autism at all and honestly looks like the body the most just as a child. She named herself Maus (pronounced Mouse) She expressed wanting to spend time with our partner and honestly Í needed time to decompress emotionally from masking all day already. So, I let her hang out unsupervised and it was great honestly. I don’t remember what they did but got told by my partner that we must have been tired because she fell asleep in their lap for 4 ish hours.

I was very relieved not only emotionally but mentally because I don’t need to worry about my partner around our littles like we do other people. It just made me happy to not have to hide that part of myself when we’re together anymore. It was a big step, but ultimately glad I did it. We have trouble sleeping around people too, so her feeling comfortable to sleep not only around our partner but next to them was also a big step. We’ve had moments of staying up all night because the people we lived with wouldn’t sleep and we never felt safe enough to sleep if one of them was awake.

Im looking for a book that’s fantasy that doesn’t have romance as the main plot line, or really that much romance at all. (I don’t hate romance but kinda want to find other things currently). I also don’t want some fantasy book that’s politically motivated unless that means they need to travel far or “adventure” somewhere that isn’t just the kingdom/city they live in. I don’t care whether the book has a male or female lead (Í think I relate more to male led books but Im not explicitly picky)

The book can’t have any SA (off screen or on screen), anything with loss of unborn child, or gun violence (though I don’t think fantasy will have much of this one).

I’ve gone to book shops and my local library and nothing really had what I’m looking for so I’m going to see if you all have suggestions that I haven’t seen yet. (I also wouldn’t mind any realistic fiction suggestions with the same parameters as paragraph 2).

I’ve only had this psychiatrist for half a year and she’s really starting to piss me off. I think in the next couple of months I’ll probably try to find someone else but I needed somewhere to air out my frustration and maybe some of you will relate.

I’ve been diagnosed for about a year now, it’s not a lot I know, but we kind of already suspected for a while it just took a bit to get a diagnosis. But from the moment we stepped into our psychiatrist’s office it was like her personal mission was to convince us we couldn’t have DID, like lady, Í went through the hoops, Í did the discovery bits, my therapist has recordings of us speaking different languages when we’ve never had a bilingual house hold/taken any classes.

it also bugs me when we say “we” instead of “Í” and she has to “correct” us and it’s so patronizing. I can refer to myself and my parts how I like. She also thinks we’re just psychotic when we’ve never had any symptoms of that just because we “hear voices” like yeah, that’s me talking to myself with an amnesia wall, is that truly so hard to understand. I can’t, she harps on about the one time we thought we might have hallucinated and keeps going back to that to discredit our diagnosis.

She also claims that we don’t have DID because it could just be our autism or something, like, how the hell is she practicing medicine with the shit she believes. She also believes our headspace is just us maladaptive daydreaming, like sure it definitely contributed to it, but I have a functioning headspace with other parts that isn’t just me daydreaming.

Anyways, this was my rant, maybe some of you will relate. It’s really frustrating and almost comical. If we had gotten her when we first started thinking of DID as a possibility and she said this shit to us I think we probably would have never tried to get diagnosed. Which really sucks considering she’s one of the few people who can actually diagnose DID in our area.

Denial is so frustrating and her not believing us just makes it so much harder sometimes, especially because we are still pretty new to all this and still trying to navigate it all. I want to be firm with my convictions because it’s not just me, it’s the parts of me that can’t stand up for themselves or who doubt things when they get triggered. And I don’t understand how a professional can be so dismissive of something that’s already hard to believe as the individual who has it.

-Mickie/Atticus

Young/new systems need to stop going online for answers about DID because social media is absolutely horrendous with showing accurate information about mental illnesses, especially dissociative disorders.

Our body is 18, and we could have gotten stuck in a viscous cycle of disconnection because of what online spaces did. They don’t know anything, and just because it makes you feel something/ is relatable doesn’t mean it’s helpful. So many of us are struggling to break cycles of abuse our bodies desperately want to repeat, and sometimes do before they get better treatment.

So many times SH was glamorized for our suicide alter, our protectors would fight for dominance and control, putting us in dangerous situations to “prove” their superiority. Persecutors perpetrated harm and hate, and only made things worse. Littles bought things and wouldn’t tell anyone. People operated on their own rules because of online spaces that romanticized trauma responses into something that didn’t need to be criticized.

It also didn’t help being in a very bad environment as is, splitting and getting more fractured. We are big proponents of not going with integration mainly because this experience separated us so much it’s very hard even now, not to treat them as different people even when logically we know thats not true, and communication is really good.

It took so long, getting a good therapist and diagnosed to start and undo these harmful behaviors that social media instilled into us. Our protectors know their place, littles know to ask for things instead of just getting them, our suicide alter is getting better, and we’ve successfully managed to reform a persecutor (myself).

But this was because we were held accountable, we got help, got the right information, and most importantly we stopped believing others before we believed ourselves. Your parts are here to help, don’t fuck up because someone online has a different experience. They aren’t you, you don’t know if they are diagnosed for sure, don’t take their harmful rhetoric as fact.

I also don’t truly believe everyone online is faking, Í do believe they don’t have the right information. If they got a diagnosis I believe they found it “quirky” or different enough to get attention online and perpetuate the cycle. There are good things our their, media, books, etc, go find that before you look for people to relate too.

Today we had therapy and it’s been a pretty shitty week all things considered. Our host dipped and our cohost was here until even he couldn’t take it, so now I’m here. I’ve been having almost constant panic attacks and headaches, been an a deep depressive episode that got passed on to my after everyone left, and our family is tying to guilt us into being around an abuser again. All this to say, we needed therapy today—I needed it today.

I know a lot of people here have their reservations about parts being seen as separate people, and Im not really here to debate or say one way or the other is better, but being able to express my want for my own life and body and mind in therapy was so helpful. She didn’t judge, didn’t try to reason me out of it with logic. She just listened. I felt so seen and understood, something we haven’t felt in our lives ever.

I don’t really want my own body, Í just want to be seen as myself. As an individual that happens to share this world with others. I’m glad I don’t have to be ashamed to act as myself in public and it’s just what I needed to hear today.

Anyways have a good day/night everyone

This is half a rant and half a discussion about Mormon beliefs. Mormons have always had a weird thing around death, there is not debate or surprise there. It’s talked extensively in this sub and I’m quite fascinated as of recently.

My grandfather has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He’s pretty old so I’m not counting on him making it. My other grandfather died earlier this year, and both are Mormon. And this sparked my wild imagination and some wit to put some input on this topic surrounding Mormons and death.

We were told that families are forever, that the devil seeks to destroy families so that traditions and beliefs cannot be passed down, furthermore they punish those that sin/don’t believe with the consequences of that rhetoric. You cannot have a family if you disobey.

This in many ways has confused my childlike brain. For Í have yet to understand why they must guilt us with the severance death bring yet also preach that you mustn’t turn on your family. So either it’s us versus them, or is all for one. But both sides have little to no reason for existing. If you can repent, even after death via baptism for the dead, then death shouldn’t have the consequences it does. But if there must be consequences for wrongdoing why not petal leading by example which is pushed very heavily by the family unit.

This may be a roundabout way of saying Mormons don’t understand their own values around death. The kicker though, is that they still manage to guilt and shame us for not getting it. All this to say, my family keeps guilting me into spending time with my grandfather (who abused me very heavily as a child) because “he doesn’t have much time left.” My grandfather himself has also put it upon himself to just walk into my house/bedroom whenever he wants to talk about god, and how believing in any other religion would be so terrible because then we wouldn’t see me in Mormon heaven. For context Im a neo pagan witch who as slightly come out about it to my grandma who basically had the same response.

The problem is, I don’t know why it keeps working, whether the enmeshment of my family finally caught up to me, or their inability to leave me alone about their beliefs, either way this topic has been on my mind recently as I still have to live at home until I finish college. They will continue to keep up their games and make me feel bad for an ending I don’t even believe in.

If all I am is a sinner to them, I won’t see them again (which would be good in my opinion even if I was Mormon) this is the tactic they keep using, but they fail to see when I bring up repentance that it could all go away if they turned out to be right later on. Their arguments don’t make sense to me probably because I’m autistic and I don’t see any logic with this religion at all, and that makes me push back harder on the beliefs as a whole. What I don’t get is my other grandfather was also Mormon, but he believed that no matter what I would see him in heaven because I loved my family. I went to his funeral (a Mormon one) and morned like he would have wanted me too, not how everyone thought I should. I loved him a whole lot and this weird power trip the other side of my family is pedaling is quite frankly why I left in the first place. I don’t know how to feel about the looming threat of my grandfather death, and whether sticking around for 4+ years is worth the battle every day.

There is a girl running.
Running because luck is finite.
Because soon she will lie dead.
Like the bodies around her.

She runs through seasons.
Bright heart. 
Running from something she cannot see.
So now she runs in the snow.
With black hair and white clothes.

Her family try to warn her.
But there’re too late.
Six shots ring out.
And she’s dead.

The blood that covers her body and the ground quickly sweep her up, and drag her down.
Like ashes.
Trapped in the mirror of our worlds.
Without a family.
In the snow.
Still running from what she doesn’t know.

I’ve been diamond painting for about 4 years now and I absolutely love the craft. Due to anxiety and other stuff I shake a lot, especially my hands. I’ve given up the idea of having “good” or even decent diamond paintings that are straight. I could go back and do them over but I like the one and done feel of it. I’m wondering if there are any tips for getting a better result (without redoing things) while also being very shaky?

I’ve been dealing with my trauma all on my own. My system helps, they understand bits, but it just feels like no one really understands. Our therapist is great and I do value when we meet and all that she’s done to help us. I just can’t shake this feeling of not being seen, heard, or accepted.

My trauma isn’t special, but it is joked about a lot. It’s not something to laugh at, but everyone jokes because “it couldn’t happen to them.” But it does happen to people and it happened to me, and this body and this mind, and Im stuck with it.

I’ve wanted group therapy for a while now but I can’t seem to find one for my trauma. (Im being vague on purpose because I don’t want to write it out, it is indeed that triggering for me). It’s also not an abbreviated thing here so I can’t use those either. I’ll maybe say if someone thinks they might be able to help but if not I’d like to keep it to myself.

general group therapy wouldn’t help because I fear other people talking about their trauma would only bring up other parts (who have expressed not wanting group therapy) and not me. Their trauma is more likely to be brought up. I want to talk as myself. I have the memories Í feel like I should get that release. That clarity. I want to feel like I’m getting better because rn it just feels like I’m stuck.

I’m sorry for the rant, I just can’t even look up anything because when I try it’s just all triggering things, or it’s for youth. My area also just doesn’t have a lot so I’m at a loss here. Idk I’m just feeling beat down.

I get stuck and freeze. I have such horrific flashbacks that I can’t help at all. I have nightmares almost every night. It’s been 12 years since it happened and Ive gotten no help, no sympathy. I tried so hard to do what I was supposed to. I stopped hurting my system. I go to therapy. No one understands. I try to ground but school fucking sucks and won’t let me do anything. I feel like I’m failing at my job. My role to keep this hidden away. I want to let people know. To have clarity and acceptance. Our partner says they can’t help and I just feel so overwhelmed and afraid, and angry. I hope Im not breaking any rules. Im sorry again for ranting. Any supportive words are welcome.

Im not supposed to be here. Im here because we are stressed, but I don’t do stress, Im not much of a person anyways. Im meant to be a thought, not a full identity.

The dog got a surgery today, he’s in pain. He can’t move much. I don’t know how to take care of him.

The mother keeps being mad at me when I try to help. She keeps saying Im not enough and Im doing things wrong. I don’t want to hurt other things. Not animals. Not people. Im stuck here not knowing what to do. Im not a person. I don’t front. I pretend I exist in the Eden we call the inside.

The host left me. She doesn’t want to be here. What am I supposed to do? The mother left for now, Im here alone. I can’t stop shaking from stress. This is all I have at the moment. Strangers.

Im sorry.

Hello.

Our cohost has been healing for a long time, he’s done very well to get away from the persecutor he used to be, to a more functional part of our system. His role as a cohost just sort of happened since his trauma is school related and we still have a lot of that to do since finishing high school and going to college.
The problem started when we went back to school to grab our awards for the year after I’d told him we didn’t have to go back. (It’s technically a lie, but I also didn’t know we had awards to pick up).

Any small noise seems like a threat to him, and his only response is to freeze and stop the body from moving. (While it helped in his past, since the only reason we aren’t dead rn is because he played dead. Ironic that movies got that right somehow).

Well recently he’s been bringing us flashbacks and “what ifs” back and basically terrorizing whoever is in front. He’s going backwards to who he used to be. He brings up such horrific things and I know that part of them is real and trauma related but it’s getting so hard to function with the constant bombardment.

He ends up fronting and crying for hours. The only thing that’s helped is a combination of our partner’s comfort and our suicide alter who is better then most in our system to help with the feelings. They are also best friends so he feels safe with him. He says that he can’t help it but also gets very angry and shuts the whole body down when it happens. We’ve tried to get him to journal or draw but all he does is say that he can’t see it and that everything is covered in blood. He constantly states how he doesn’t want to be in front but can’t seem to leave for more than a few hours before returning.

He’s not fit to be here and we can’t talk to our therapist until later next week. It all seems to be resurfacing because we went back to school that one day. But why now, why that? He’s gotten through 12 years of school and been really good at keeping in the back burner. Yes, he slips up, but this is completely new. It’s behavior that we haven’t seen in a long time from him.

We finally got to a point where we can watch mainstream movies and play games without worrying of triggering him. It seems to be all down the drain now with this coming back. Even going for a walk sucks because any distant sound of screaming or loud car engine sets him off with flashbacks. We haven’t even been processing his trauma in therapy so I have no idea why that event specifically got to him this badly.

Hello everyone! My name is Friday (she/her) I don’t exactly know how these go but I’m going to try my best! (I know Im meant to be an adult but I haven’t fronting properly since we were about 12 so im sorry if I seem younger) We have 4 fragments, Homesick, Obsession, Fourth, and Pit. And I love them so much! Some people in our system don’t give them the time of day, but they are my friends, and my friends deserve to be talked about.

Homesick (He/its) is very helpful, he takes care of the den and when people are hurting. He helps us navigate being away from home, and holds all the dark things that happen. He’s the best! People say he’s scary and compare him to “slender man.” (Í think thats the guy) anyways Homesick is perfectly imperfect in his own way. Just don’t try to come into his house when he doesn’t want you to, he might get upset.

Obsession (He/they) helps us remember that there are things we posses. He comes from our family taking our things from us/withholding things. Obsession also decides our special interests, and makes sure we are doing it right. He gets angry when we lose things and can be hurtful at times. But Im proud to say he’s improving and is getting better at sharing and helping when we lose things rather than hurting.

Fourth (she/they/he) holds a lot of fear, the big ones, existentialism, death, and some related to past bad things. She is represented by eyes, people don’t like her crawling up the body, Í find it quite nice that they feel safe with me. She is also responsible for feelings of derealization and depersonalization which he is very proud of. She holds some flashbacks and can sometimes terrorize other parts with them, but he is learning and helps us recognize patterns of bad behavior.

Pit (they/them) they hold the smaller fears, phobias, places, people. They are just a little guy in the forest. They often front to combat leaving the drivers seat empty. They run our autopilot and most of the times when we have the most amnesia. They have no eyes because they are the opposite of Fourth. They are yin and yang those too. But Pit is much gentler on the body, they will hold your hand through dark times, tell you to keep going when scared. They always have a smiles and makes you feel okay.

Those are my people, I love them all so very much! If you have fragments be sure to tell them that they are appreciated. They have helped us through dark times, and while sometimes unhelpful they are still worth appreciating. I hope Im not breaking any rules and I hope you all have a great day!

This happened a bit ago, but it’s made its round back to me (the host) and I wanted to share in case others had similar experiences. Our system is still quite upset about this.

A few weeks ago we worked with our therapist to go get formally diagnosed for ADHD and some other thing so that we could begin getting accommodations before school starts next fall. I was prepared with a script that we created with our therapist to explain why we couldn’t take medication at this time and why we might not know some answers to questions about our childhood. Our therapist told us she told the evaluator that we were a system.

That day however, something happened that triggered our suicide alter to front for the rest of the day. Lucky our cohost was with him so nothing happened to harm us but he was triggered and very dissociative as is. From our journal (he wrote 9 pages) he was having a hard time connecting with our cohost or talking with him. Just pure passive influence.

He ends up going to our appointment and was very out of it. He kept not understanding the questions, lying, and overall being very combative with the evaluator. When she told him he should just “love his body.” He said he didn’t look like himself so he didn’t particularly want to do that. (He’s a non white alter who is also male, in a body that is white and a woman) least to say he didn’t like that. He tried to explain how he’s not a woman, and that we had DID so the statement was never really an option. She then proceeded to go on a 30 minute rant about how “rare” it is and that we couldn’t possible know at 18.

This made him spiral, he questioned everything for days, communication got significantly worse than it has in years. No one could get to him. Our cohost ended up stepping in and finishing the session because of how badly he was dissociating. Furthermore the evaluator got mad at our cohost for “suddenly changing” and that “alters can’t have accents.” (Our cohost has a semi British accent because we watched UK cartoons when we were little) he ended up getting through the session though, without anymore of an incident.

It made me so incredibly angry when I heard this. we talked with our therapist who told us that the evaluator said that we were great and she loved us as a client. Our therapist suggested we go back and I agreed because up until recently our communication was in the shit and I thought it would be good. We have another appointment but honestly might just cancel and tell our therapist later.

How common is it that people act like they know you better than yourself? And why do professionals try to make an already hard to detect disorder a game of “are you stable enough to handle me questioning your existence.” Í think we got so lucky with a therapist and partner who both just excepted DID before and after a diagnosis that we got a bit miffed when first confronted with most people’s actual thoughts on the matter.

Cohost here:
Our communication is still very poor, we’re still getting some information straight and we don’t trust to go back to that evaluator but she did give us some good information for dissociative therapy, even though our current therapist has shown willingness to learn with us and get into trauma management and processing while she also learns the best way to help us. Least to say we are unsure if we should take her advice on getting any sort of dissociative therapy for the time being.

For a bit of time one of our physical protectors, Mícah has been writing a semi-fictitious book about himself. It has two POV’s one being Mícah’s perceived angelic upbringing. Where he lives in heaven, hates it there, and is planning on leaving.

The other is Micah’s actual upbringing, where he details his journey dealing with TSA, all his splits, and everyone in the system. Like day for day shit that I don’t remember in jr. High. When I first read this I thought it was all fiction, like yeah, it mentioned some things that we experienced but because I don’t have memories of those times I thought it was all just fiction. I talked with the cohost and he seemed to corroborate its validity, saying he witnessed some of it.

I know we write a lot as a system, our journaling is what keeps us functional and sane most days. I just never expected anyone to write so viscerally about abuse. And like, it’s GOOD writing, better than I could at least. I also think it’s odd he can remember such details, but maybe our DID amnesia blocked everyone else from those memories and not him? Or he’s done some work with our therapist to unlock some? Either way, Im curious if anyone else has had a part write about abuse but in a fictional setting and whether that was a way to approach trauma?

I asked my therapist if he’d said anything about it to her, and she said he’s read some bits to her but nothing about trauma. I’ll ask him via our journal later but thought I’d share because Ive never seen this type of trauma processing before.