u/Pink_Lem0n

Do fearful avoidants ever truly move on from their person or will they always have a thought in the back of their head wanting to go back?If they do what are the warning signs of this

This time last year I felt so amazing with how my life was going that I felt I could even brag about it and it hasn't been the same since.I haven't been truly happy like I used to be in a year and I'm so tired of living like this.Now please don't judge and my situation is really not serious but I am just so alone and still a teenager.I had a bf and the bestest friends and I lost them both.My ex is an avoidant and I've been in a push pull cycle with him since October last year.We keep trying to get to how it used to be but It never will because yes I still love him but it's not a stupid and blissful anymore that was just classic teenage love.He killed the part of me that loved him and the world like that and I really miss that part of me so much.I am grieving myself.I lost my friend group now I have 3 friends, 1 of which is a liar and a backstabber but I just don't want to be alone.Now my days are just waking up, going out to smoke weed,coming back and sleeping.I keep trying to get my ex back and nothing works, I'm starting to think I don't even miss or love him I just miss the life I used to have with him.Because when we are tg it felt like my old life when I could just lay in his arms and he'd kiss me.I miss him so much I miss my partner and my best friend.He was my person and I know I'm his I just need it to work so bad.I wish life could've been easier for him and he could show me love in a way I understood.I wish he could just get help and wouldn't be avoidant and we could be together without fear anymore of him leaving or relapsing and drugs getting in the way of us again.I hate who I am now I hate it so much.I miss being happy and sober and just feeling wanted by everyone.Then everything crashed and I'm a loser that gets high everyday and I can't even take care of myself or fucking clean my room.I just want out of this depression and to be happy again

I recently started meditating to build a connection to my spirit guides and just overall help myself with healing.I am new so I listen to mediation guides and when they tell me to think of a moment of happiness or feeling safe it's almost ALWAYS a moment with my ex.Its been a while and I thought I've basically moved on and it took me a long time so I feel like this is setting me back.I know I should learn to be greatful of those memories but now I'm wondering if it means something.I asked my guide and she said she doesn't know what to do.I may just be overthinking but anu spiritual people can you help?

I had a very strange dream last night and I just remembered it so vividly a few hours after I woke up.I keep dreaming about doing substances like LSD and shrooms after I did shrooms recently but never like this it feels like something was trying to contact me through my dreams.Ill skip small details but in my dream I saw like a deity or smth like that in the sky and it showed itself through clouds/stars, I tried to draw what it looks like but I don't really remember, it was quite geometric and had like loads of arms kinda like wings in the shape of squares? It had a face but I don't remember what it looked like.Someone in the dream said that the deity had shown itself 3 times and that's very significant so we went to like this very spiritual or Buddhist guy and then I got visuals of like loads of faces then (idk if this is just a dream being a dream or something meaningful) but I found like a portal that every kind of spiritual person was trying to look for and I wanted to enter it but I was too scared or just didn't want to and I think that fear was meant to show that I was still asleep so there was no way for me to access it or that it's telling me Im not ready to go that far yet?I know lucid dreaming and such is a big part of being spiritual but I haven't done enough research on it yet

I had a very strange dream last night and I just remembered it so vividly a few hours after I woke up.I keep dreaming about doing substances like LSD and shrooms after I did shrooms recently but never like this it feels like something was trying to contact me through my dreams.Ill skip small details but in my dream I saw like a deity or smth like that in the sky and it showed itself through clouds/stars, I tried to draw what it looks like but I don't really remember, it was quite geometric and had like loads of arms kinda like wings in the shape of squares? It had a face but I don't remember what it looked like.Someone in the dream said that the deity had shown itself 3 times and that's very significant so we went to like this very spiritual or Buddhist guy and then I got visuals of like loads of faces then (idk if this is just a dream being a dream or something meaningful) but I found like a portal that every kind of spiritual person was trying to look for and I wanted to enter it but I was too scared or just didn't want to and I think that fear was meant to show that I was still asleep so there was no way for me to access it or that it's telling me Im not ready to go that far yet?I know lucid dreaming and such is a big part of being spiritual but I haven't done enough research on it yet

Technically not my first experience because I did a micro dose before to feel euphoric but this was my first trip.I did 3g and I wish I did more to get stronger visuals but my stepmum told me that what I saw was amazing.I will skip all the Inbetween stuff but the main things that I saw when I closed my eyes was my 2 guides (I got told you normally get 1) I had a 'mum' which was warm more orangy tones and 'dad' which was cooler with purple/blue tones.My visuals weren't super sharp but I could make out what it was.

Mum and dad began inspecting my mouth like irl I fully opened my mouth for them and they were looking inside and I'm trying to figure out what they were looking for I'm thinking maybe like my soul or seeing if I was clean? Afterwards they tried to pull me through my mouth as if my mouth was a portal and I saw them physically pulling a string to try and take me beyond this world but it wasn't working.I really want to try shrooms again like 5/7g because clearly there is something important they need to show me.

Every time I opened my eyes the world was like wavy pixels with bright colours and when I woke close them again I could feel myself getting cleaned, I am imagining they were cleaning me from the earth and all the earthly things and it felt right to be cleaned like yes that's what is supposed to happen.

I was also taken on a journey by this other being which was like multiple of them but they were also one?It felt like I was riding on this fish-like creature and they were showing me the world of colours and everything.During this mum and dad left and I kept asking the new being if mum and dad are okay with where they are taking me.

I also saw another dragon like being almost like a Chinese dragon and this one wanted to take me back outside, I was outside but mum and dad wanted me inside so I laid down on my sofa.I felt the dragon pulling me through my finger back outside and once I got there I could feel the shrooms relaxing.I then told my stepmum and her friend about what I saw.

I want to do more research and write about my experience, fully analyse what I saw but I know for sure there is something important waiting for me that the beings want to show me.

My avoidant broke no contact the other day begging me to forgive him and I couldn't be happier not because he came back but because I'm finally being chased and I finally get to say no.To make a long story short I said I can't lie and I will never forgive him, he's hurt me too much and the damage is done and honestly I hope he feels guilty about it everyday.I hope he has nightmares and cries himself to sleep just like I did but that's not even the worst that he deserves.I know he's stalking my Reddit so hiii!! I think this is the best feeling I could possibly feel, to actually have control over the avoidant.

He did say he wants to get better: that he will research his avoidant attachment and wants to work this out in the future.Im not sure how to feel about that part and I said straight up that I can't deal with this right now.I haven't fully moved on so I can't see that he wants to change as that will just make me go back but I've healed enough to know I'm 99% sure I don't love him anymore and don't want to get back with him.

So I don't really know if this should go into this subreddit but, me and my avoidant broke up almost a month ago and I've become friends with someone that I feel like I have a crush on, I'm not fully sure yet.Anyways I feel guilty because it's only been a month but also we haven't been in a normal relationship for so long(6 months) so am I allowed to date someone new?I'm just not sure if it's appropriate but also I have anxious attachment and I'm worried that I don't actually have a crush on them and it's just me getting attached to someone new.

I was peacefully playing the Sims and my ex messaged me on steam which I forgot I even had him on and I didn't message back I am so beyond proud of myself that I could actually resist and I hope it tells him that I'm moving on.Hes obviously realised he misses me but that's not my business anymore.

It's only been 5 days since I blocked him and genuinely I just miss him so much I want to unblock him so bad.Ive never been the one to block him and it's so weird and different.I saw him check on me the first 3 days and now he stopped and I just idk.Im trying to distract myself but honestly it's making me feel worse because I'm just stuck inside when it's just nice weather because no one wants to hang out with me.

How did you guys deal with this and being able to hold back from breaking no contact?