Doing 2nd round of couples therapy with my dx husband (unmedicated). The therapist uses EFT. I've been reading about it and I can see how it would work for a lot of people but I don't see how it will help us. How can someone with ADHD be consistent enough to mimic secure attachment? I don't see how it's possible without the ADHD person having mastered basic executive function.
Going to marriage counseling because husband has little executive function with severe ADHD, and I am at the absolute end of my rope with our toddler and his other kids, (my stepchildren) and the incredible physical mess (near hoarding) and mental mess that he cannot manage with his unchecked ADHD.
Tl:Dr - on our 4th session, I asked the therapist what method / approach she was using to help us with our problems, since our previous session had been unhelpful, and when I asked, she didn't answer and abruptly said we weren't a good match and terminated the session and counseling relationship without any referral to someone else or indication that was coming. Wtf?
Full story- Session 1 she told us that she used Gottman, gave us a Gottman handout. It was a fine session, getting to know us. (She has not talked about any of this since handing us the sheet)
Then before Session 2, my husband left our toddler in a hot car (doors closed, no AC) and I came home and discovered such, he said it wasn't a big deal, everything was fine, he did it on purpose so she could continue to sleep.
I was HORRIFIED. Though knowing the severity of his RSV with his ADHD, at first I tried to talk him through his decision making process, assess if he knew what he did, calmly trying to get him to realize what he did and get him to agree not to do it again.
After 2 days of me talking it over and asking him not to do it again, not only did he double down that I was being unreasonable to make a big deal out of this, but, he wouldn't agree not to do it again, and refused to apologize for doing it. Said if I didn't like what he did then we could get divorced and he could do whatever he wanted with half our kid's life. So, things have gotten significant worse from there, with us fighting a lot.
Session 2 was me explaining the hot car incident and me crying and him being defensive, argumentative and mean. I hardly spoke that whole session, he just talked in circles about why he did it and how it wasn't that bad and was a total ass. The therapist validated that I was justified in being horrified, didn't say much other than ask questions to husband. Mostly he talked a lot of justifications.
Session 3 was like a 180... I am still lost as to what happened. I came in with 3 topics:
The therapist only talked on #3, went into how to label bins to pick up toys and stuff...
I was like... did she not just hear that he told me to leave the marriage and house? Shut a door in my face? Why aren't we talking about that? Or you know that he put our kid in danger? So I asked just that. She responded that I had a "truckload of complaints" and that we were only addressing what my husband could handle that day. I told her that it seemed insane to me that we are sitting here talking about bins with what happened. Then time was up.
Session 4 today we go in and the therapist and my husband are there already and she is talking to him about his son, my stepson. She asks me if I have more to add about what they were saying and I said no, I want to talk about us.
I then asked her what her approach she was using in our therapy was, because it appeared like maybe she was looking to solve shorter term problems like the organization component but I really wanted us to address underlying root issues, the broken trust issues like from him putting our kid in danger and then him telling me to leave the house.
She responded that my husband and I "were polar opposites and she was trying to get my husband to be more organized and to soften me a little"
I said "ok but what's the approach here. You gave us these Gottman handouts and we haven't spoken about that at all, can we do that?" She then responded that she thought we just weren't a good fit and we should not do this. I was like ... What?
She said that she was having a hard time with my anger, and that she wasn't the right match for us. Then she was like "I don't even know who else does this in town, you can look online at psychology today to find another counselor"
I was like wait, my anger? You're sitting here agreeing with him that the problem isn't him not doing things, him putting our child in danger, but it's *my anger*? That he... left our kid in a hot car...?
She stumbled through what to say in response and kept saying "sometimes people just aren't a good fit"
I felt like I was living in a crazy land place and was feeling overwhelmed since this person I came to for help was being so unhelpful, and said I was going to leave, then, and left the room. I felt so incredibly invalidated... And still do.
My husband told me later that he spoke to her for a few minutes longer and that she said she wasn't going to bill us for our sessions. To me, that feels like she knew she fucked up on how she handled this, but you guys tell me.
I cannot figure out how this therapist went from genuine shock at hearing that my husband left our child in a hot car, validating my being distraught over it, to our next session brushing me off from even talking about it to then terminating the therapy relationship ten minutes into a session when I just asked her what her approach for therapy was.
I would super appreciate any perspective here from couples counselors.
(And if the reason was that she didn't want to work with a possible domestic violence situation... Why not give me any references or resources for what to do?)
Edited to add: when I clarified our appointment time a few days ago via email, she offered a regular appointment day/time on her schedule in response. She also said in appointments 1, 2 and 3 that she believed we needed a year of therapy, and suggested the regular appointment time.
The bathrooms. Good lord. Worse than an old gas station. There is no way it isn't purposeful to make you leave sooner, because there is no way they think they are acceptable.
Since some of you who read my initial post predicted this moment and helped me mentally prepare for it, and I have my profile private, I am linking to my first post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/comments/1tw2adh/schedule_disregard_errands_on_the_way_to_childcare/ but this also stands alone:
A week and a half ago I discovered that my husband left our toddler in the car asleep, car off, with the doors shut, wearing full pajamas, when it was 85 degrees outside. He insists it is relevant that the windows were cracked between 1-3 inches on each window and that it was a shady spot. Also something about it was breezy (it wasn't) So I list that here, though it means nothing in the extensive research I have done on this topic now.
I was on a dog walk and he had come home and left her there in the driveway. I walked in the house and found him on the phone in the house alone and asked where she was and immediately got her out. She was sweat soaked down the back but her core temperature had not begun to climb. He uses this point as proof that she was safe, now.
I am terrified to think what would have happened had I not come home when I did. Had I walked 20 minutes longer.
Immediately after it happened I took a thermometer outside and showed him the temperature and he said "I didn't think it was that hot" with surprise. He also said "but the windows were down" and I walked out with him and he said softly "I thought they were down more than that" clearly surprised. But since then, he has refused to admit that he didn't realize what the danger was, and has asserted that he chose all the conditions and they were safe.
Still over a week later he insists that what he did wasn't dangerous, because it was in shade, because he cracked the windows, it was "breezy," because he was "watching through the window" and when I asked what he was watching for, he said for her to wake up, which all of you know I'm sure, kids just die asleep in hot cars.
We went to a marriage counseling since and the counselor was openly horrified and said so, but has not reported him to CPS at least to my knowledge. She believes he is earnest in wanting to work together, but was clear the act was unacceptable and dangerous.
Between your all's warnings on my initial post and this incident, I am no longer able to trust him with our child and have taken over all childcare and am hiring a babysitter for when I need one.
Since there are no actual charges of child neglect and I am unwilling to allow him to neglect her enough for him to get charged, he would get visitation if we divorced, and I'm unwilling to let her be alone with him so that's not an option.
He has apologized for hurting me, but not for leaving her in the car. We have fought for at least an hour, sometimes two, almost every day since it happened.
Yesterday I mentioned how I am changing my schedule at work to accommodate my increased childcare load, and he was confused and acted as if he .... just found out that I don't feel I can trust him with our kid anymore, and he's... mad at me for it. He's making me the bad guy. I feel like I'm living in crazyland.
Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do any of you have any tips for emotionally surviving this? Both the short term of trying to navigate the situation I am in - I'm exhausted physically and emotionally, and so very sad - and also the long term?
My ADHD husband and I have a toddler. She goes to daycare. We live rurally (his choice, not mine). I originally posted this in the ADHD sub and they removed it saying that this is not a result of ADHD (I disagree) and told me to post it here so here I am.
The closest daycare we could get is 30 minutes away (there is nothing near where we live). He drops her off 4/5 days a week and I pick her up every day and drop her off 1 day a week.
When he drops her off he will "run an errand" on the way for his business. Always says it'll take 15 minutes or less. I'm sure you know how that goes. So often she is stuck in the car for an hour or so, between the extra errand plus going off path sometimes even to a different town. This has messed up her nap schedule many days and ruined the rest of the day for both me and her. This has made her miss lunch at daycare and she's hungry until they serve afternoon snack.
I have explained all these issues nicely to him and then angrily after it kept being a problem. His only response is that if he can't run his errands on the way then I have to take her. I already do more of the childcare and this would actually take away his most major childcare contribution (he also doesn't come home until bedtime like half the days so I'm solo parenting alone from pickup to bedtime at least half the nights). And before you all jump in with "well I bet he pays for things" I work and actually pay for more.
Any new ideas? We have started marriage counseling, but I'll say that having a child has basically demolished the once happy relationship we had, because of needing him to be more responsible.
Two confirmed cases, more suspected. First one confirmed 4/24.
This disease is debilitating for infants who have not gotten all their vaccines yet, people with prexisting lung conditions and the elderly.
Incubation period is 5-10 days, in other words so you can be exposed and not get sick for that long after. Also it appears like any other cold in the beginning, so unless you know you were exposed then you will likely brush it off until the bad coughing starts, which doesn't happen until week 2 or 3 of being sick.
If you know you were exposed then talk to your doctor about prophylactic antibiotics. They will reduce the severity of symptoms and make it so you are not infectious to others in 5 days (instead of 7 to 21 days of possible infectiousness without them). If you are in the high risk group this is typically advised.
If you have a newborn it can present differently and they have the highest fatality rates, so call your pediatrician.
One confirmed exposure I am aware of was in 3rd grade but likely the whole school is exposed.
Not studies specifically about like
farming rural life versus city life (until pretty recently, very rural almost exclusively meant farming, now it isn't the case with widespread cars then internet)
or screen time in cars.
I'm wondering about the effects of simply being in the car to reach everything in your life, for a minimum of 15 minutes to reach ANYTHING but an average of 30 minutes. Significantly lower access to friends, support, grocery stores, etc. than suburbs or city. Average over an hour per day in the car.
Edited to clarify, I mean daily commuting without having any farm to sustain your food needs and having the wealth to not have to go to work. Also, not asking about anything to do with education / school systems. Specifically the effects of commuting from a rural food desert type area to any source of anything : food, schools, necessary work for income, other people, parks, swings, sidewalks, stores, phone service, anything. So like commuting but with the extra parameter of there being nothing at all near where you live.
Thanks!
My partner (dx and medicated) tends to walk in the door and go straight into conversation with me. Doesn't matter if I am in the middle of something or working.
He'll be in a conversation with me, go off somewhere randomly, come back 20 minutes later when I've moved on with my day doing sometime by myself, and he'll jump right in to talking to me interrupting me.
I work from home half the week and it's a problem. I have tried talking to him about it. I have tried shutting the door (he just opens it and starts talking)
We have a toddler. Today I got her settled in her playpen so I could take a break. That's the moment he walked in the door, picked her up from her playpen and got her riled up and brought her right next to me and then started trying to have a conversation with me. When I asked for a 5 minute break because that's what I had just settled in to do, he got an attitude with me before walking away.
What tactics have you all used to protect your sanity? A physical sign on a door to leave you alone? Will this just always be unmanageable?