u/PuzzleheadedMap9647

I’m sharing this because I wish someone had explained grooming to me when I was 13. And before you picture the stereotypical “quiet, shy student”that wasn’t me. I’m kinda ambivert.. But I was also 13, had a huge crush on my AP teacher, and became extremely focused on him. I didn’t really make friends. He became my focus. And he knew it.

My teacher was 41 years old. He was married, had children, and was teaching at a public high school.
Instead of maintaining a professional boundary, he asked for my phone number, flirted with me, took me out alone on his motorcycle, and eventually sexually touched and kissed me. I was 13.

I didn’t understand what was happening.
I never said yes. Eventually, he told me we were already in a relationship and called himself my boyfriend, even though I never agreed to that.

The abuse continued for years. When I was 15, he pressured/forced me into sex despite me repeatedly saying I didn’t want to. He also threatened to k*ll himself whenever I tried to leave.

And here’s what I want students to understand:
I didn’t think I was being groomed.

I thought I was loved.
I thought I was special.
I thought an adult had finally noticed me.
I thought my feelings for him meant our relationship was real.

That’s exactly why grooming can be so difficult for a young person to recognize.

I’m a Psychologist living in the United States now.
I’ve gone through my own therapy and spent years learning about trauma, grooming, coercion, and abusive relationship dynamics. I understand now what I couldn’t understand at 13.

And I have something now that I didn’t have then:
A voice.

I’m using it because I know there are students reading this who may be in something similar and thinking:
“But I like him too.”
“She really understands me.”
“He treats me differently from everyone else.”
“Maybe we’re actually in love.”
“I’m mature for my age.”
“It’s our secret.”
Please stop for a second.

Someone making you feel special doesn’t automatically mean they love you. Sometimes grooming feels like love.
Sometimes it feels like attention. Sometimes it feels like being chosen. Sometimes it feels like finally having someone who understands you.

And it can happen to the loud student, the quiet student, the popular student, the “bida-bida” student, the academically focused student, or the student who desperately wants someone’s attention.

There isn’t one type of child who gets groomed.

If you’re a student and a teacher starts giving you romantic or sexual attention, don’t make yourself responsible for deciding whether it’s “real love.”

Look at the adult’s behavior.

Are they privately messaging you?
Are they asking you to keep things secret?
Are they taking you somewhere alone?
Are they flirting with you?
Are they telling you you’re “special” or “mature for your age”?
Are they becoming the person you depend on emotionally?
Are they touching you in ways that make you uncomfortable?
Are they trying to make the relationship romantic or sexual?

Those are things worth telling a trusted adult about.

And if you’re thinking:
“But I like them too.”

I understand.
I liked him too.

That doesn’t make the adult’s behavior okay.
You can have a crush on your teacher.
You can think your teacher is attractive.
You can feel special when they give you attention.
You can even believe you’re in love.

None of that makes you responsible for what an adult chooses to do.

To teachers:
If a student likes you, that isn’t an invitation.
It’s a boundary you are responsible for maintaining.

Don’t privately message them.
Don’t create secrets.
Don’t take them somewhere alone.
Don’t tell yourself they’re “mature for their age.”
Don’t convince yourself it’s okay because “they like me too.”

You are the adult.

To parents, classmates, and other students:
Please don’t only look for the child who suddenly becomes withdrawn.
Sometimes the child being groomed becomes more attached, more excited, more focused, or more defensive of the adult.
They may even look like they’re enjoying the relationship.

They may say:
“We’re just close.”
“He’s my favorite teacher.”
“She understands me.”
“You just don’t understand our relationship.”
That doesn’t automatically mean everything is okay.
And please don’t call the child “malandi.”

I know what that word feels like.

When I eventually told his wife, who was also a teacher at different public school, what had happened, she scolded me and threatened that I could go to jail.

His daughter, who was around my age, called me “malandi.”

I was treated like I had caused the situation.
But I was 13. He was 41. He was my teacher.
I was the child.

Why am I posting this now?
Because I spent years thinking I should have known better. I didn’t. I was 13.

Now I’m older. I’m a psychologist. I’ve processed what happened to me. I understand the dynamics that I couldn’t see as a child.

And I have the power to speak now.

So if you’re a student reading this, I don’t want you to leave this post thinking:
“Teachers are dangerous.”

That’s not the message.

The message is:
Learn what healthy boundaries look like.
A healthy teacher doesn’t need your secrecy.
A healthy teacher doesn’t need to turn your crush into a relationship.
A healthy teacher doesn’t sexualize you.
A healthy teacher doesn’t make you responsible for their emotions.
And a healthy teacher doesn’t make you feel like you owe them something because they gave you attention.

If something feels confusing, tell someone.

You don’t have to know whether it’s grooming.
You don’t have to know whether it’s abuse.
You don’t have to have evidence.
You don’t have to be completely certain.

You can simply say:
“Something is happening with my teacher and I don’t know if it’s okay.”

That’s enough to start a conversation.

And please remember this:
You can genuinely believe someone loves you and still be experiencing grooming.

I know because I lived it.

Please look out for each other, especially the students who are seeking attention, the students who are intensely attached to one adult, and the students who suddenly seem to have a secret world with a teacher.

They may not need someone to shame them.
They may simply need someone to say:
“Hey. You can talk to me. You’re not in trouble.”

Problem/goal:

When I was 13 and in Grade 8, my AP teacher was 41 years old. He was married, had children, and was teaching at a public high school.

He knew I had a crush on him. Instead of maintaining professional boundaries, he asked for my phone number, flirted with me, took me out alone on his motorcycle, and eventually sexually touched and kissed me.

I was 13. I didn’t understand what was happening. I never said yes.

He eventually told me that we were already in a relationship and called himself my boyfriend, even though I had never agreed to that. The abuse continued for years. When I was 15, he pressured/forced me into sex despite me repeatedly telling him I didn’t want to.
He also threatened to kill himself whenever I tried to leave. At the time, I didn’t understand that I was being groomed or sexually abused. I was a child. I thought an adult I trusted had chosen me.

When I eventually told his family, his wife, who was also a teacher at the same school, scolded me and threatened that I could go to jail. His daughter, who was around my age, called me “malandi” and hated me instead of recognizing that her father was the adult who had crossed the boundary.

I was blamed for something an adult had done to me.
I stayed silent for years.

I’m sharing this now because I’m a psychologist living in the United States, I’ve gone through my own therapy, and I now understand grooming, coercion, trauma, and abuse in a way that I couldn’t possibly have understood at 13.
I have the voice and power now that I didn’t have then.
And I want to use that voice for students who may still be too afraid, embarrassed, or confused to speak.

To students: having a crush on your teacher does not make what happens next your fault.
You can have a crush on an adult. You can admire a teacher. You can even think you are in love with them.

The adult is still responsible for maintaining the boundary. If your teacher is privately messaging you, asking you to keep secrets, taking you somewhere alone, flirting with you, telling you that you’re “special,” touching you, giving you romantic attention, or trying to turn the relationship into something sexual or romantic, please tell someone you trust.

My advice:
Don’t wait until you can perfectly explain what is happening.

Don’t wait until you know whether it’s technically “abuse.”
Don’t convince yourself that you’re responsible because you had a crush on them.

And please don’t let anyone convince you that you’re “malandi” simply because an adult chose to cross a boundary with you.

You are not responsible for an adult’s decision to sexualize you.

To teachers: if you realize a student has feelings for you, that’s precisely when your responsibility becomes greater, not when the boundary becomes optional.

Do not reciprocate. Do not create secret communication.
Do not take the student somewhere privately.
Do not convince yourself that “we love each other” makes it acceptable.

You are the adult. You have the authority. You have the responsibility.

And to parents, teachers, classmates, and other adults:
Please pay attention to the quiet students.

Some children won’t say, “I’m being groomed.”
They may say nothing at all.
They may defend the adult.
They may believe they’re in love.
They may even appear happy about the attention.
That does not mean the adult’s behavior is appropriate.

I was that child.
I didn’t have the words.
I didn’t understand.

And I stayed quiet for years.

Please don’t make another child wait years before someone finally tells them: “This isn’t your fault. You can tell me.”

That’s why I’m speaking now.
Not because I want other students to be afraid of their teachers. I want students to know the difference between having a crush and being exploited by an adult who should have known better.

Look at the adult’s behavior.
Look at the power imbalance.
And when a child is involved, protect the child.

-A psychologist who was once that quiet 13-year-old girl.

I’m sharing this because I wish someone had explained grooming to me when I was 13. And before you picture the stereotypical “quiet, shy student”that wasn’t me.

I was pretty outgoing, but I was also 13, had a huge crush on my AP teacher, and became extremely focused on him. I didn’t really make friends. He became my focus.
And he knew it.

That teacher was 41 years old. He was married, had children, and was teaching at a public high school.
Instead of maintaining a professional boundary, he asked for my phone number, flirted with me, took me out alone on his motorcycle, and eventually sexually touched and kissed me.

I was 13.
I didn’t understand what was happening.
I never said yes.

Eventually, he told me we were already in a relationship and called himself my boyfriend, even though I never agreed to that. The abuse continued for years. When I was 15, he pressured/forced me into sex despite me repeatedly saying I didn’t want to. He also threatened to kill himself whenever I tried to leave.

And here’s what I want people to understand:
I didn’t think I was being groomed.
I thought I was loved.
I thought I was special.
I thought an adult had finally noticed me.
I thought my feelings for him meant our relationship was real.

That’s what makes grooming so psychologically complicated.

It doesn’t necessarily feel like abuse to the child while it’s happening.
Sometimes it feels like love.
Sometimes it feels like attention.
Sometimes it feels like being chosen.
Sometimes it feels like finally having someone who understands you.

And sometimes the child will actively defend the person grooming them because, from their perspective, they believe they’re in love.

There isn’t one “type” of child who gets groomed.
It can happen to the quiet student.
The loud student.
The popular student.
The bida-bida student.
The academically focused student.
The student who desperately wants attention.
The student who becomes intensely attached to one adult.

I was one of them. I’m a psychologist now. I’m living in the United States now. I’ve gone through my own therapy and spent years learning about trauma, grooming, coercion, attachment, and abusive relationship dynamics. I understand now what I couldn’t possibly have understood at 13.

And I have something now that I didn’t have then:
A voice.

I’m using it because there may be someone reading this who is currently thinking:
“But I like him too.”
“She really understands me.”
“He treats me differently from everyone else.”
“Maybe we’re actually in love.”
“I’m mature for my age.”
“It’s our secret.”

Please stop for a second.

Your feelings do not make an adult’s behavior appropriate.

You can genuinely like someone and still be exploited by them. You can genuinely believe someone loves you and still be experiencing grooming.

I know because I lived it.
If you’re a student, look at the behavior, not just how you feel about the person.

Is your teacher privately messaging you?
Are they asking you to keep things secret?
Are they taking you somewhere alone?
Are they flirting with you?
Are they telling you you’re “special” or “mature for your age”?
Are they becoming the person you depend on emotionally?
Are they touching you in ways that make you uncomfortable?
Are they trying to turn the relationship romantic or sexual?

If yes, please tell someone you trust.

You don’t have to know whether it’s grooming.
You don’t have to know whether it’s abuse.
You don’t have to have evidence.
You don’t have to be completely certain.
You can simply say:
“Something is happening with my teacher and I don’t know if it’s okay.”

That’s enough.

And please don’t blame yourself for not recognizing it sooner.

This is something I especially want other survivors to hear. I spent years thinking:
“Why didn’t I realize?”
“Why didn’t I leave?”
“Why did I stay?”
“Why did I think I loved him?”
I understand those questions differently now.
I was 13. I didn’t have an adult’s understanding of relationships, power, sexuality, manipulation, or boundaries. The adult had the responsibility to know better. I didn’t. When I eventually told his wife, who was also a teacher, she scolded me and threatened that I could go to jail. His daughter, who was around my age, called me “malandi.”

I was treated like I had caused the situation. But I was 13.
He was 41. He was my teacher. I was the child.

To parents, teachers, friends, and anyone supporting a young person:
Don’t assume that a child being attached to an adult means everything is okay.
Don’t assume that because the child seems happy, excited, or even “in love,” there can’t be abuse.
Don’t assume that because the child had a crush first, the adult is somehow less responsible.

And please don’t call the child malandi.

Look at the adult’s behavior.
Look at the power difference.
Look at the secrecy.
Look at the boundary crossing.
And listen without immediately blaming or shaming the child.

Sometimes what a child needs most isn’t someone asking:

“Why did you let this happen?”
They need someone saying:
“You’re not in trouble. You can tell me what happened.”

Why am I posting this now?
Because I was silent for years.
I didn’t have the words. I didn’t understand what happened to me. I thought I had lost a relationship. I didn’t understand that I had experienced abuse. Now I’m older. I’m a psychologist. I’ve processed much of what happened to me, and I understand dynamics that I couldn’t see as a child.

I have the power to speak now.

And I’m choosing to use that voice for people who may still be sitting quietly with the same confusion I carried for years. So if you’re reading this and you’re thinking:
“Wait… I thought this was love.”

You don’t have to figure everything out tonight.
Just talk to someone safe.
And if you’re a survivor who didn’t recognize what happened until years later:
You are not stupid.

You were trying to make sense of something you were not developmentally equipped to understand. Your delayed realization does not make what happened less real.
And you don’t have to carry the shame for an adult’s choices. Sometimes the first step in healing isn’t remembering exactly what happened.

Sometimes it’s finally realizing:
“It wasn’t my fault.”

I’m sharing this because I wish someone had explained grooming to me when I was 13. And before you picture the stereotypical “quiet, shy student”that wasn’t me. I’m kinda ambivert.. But I was also 13, had a huge crush on my AP teacher, and became extremely focused on him. I didn’t really make friends. He became my focus. And he knew it.

My teacher was 41 years old. He was married, had children, and was teaching at a public high school.
Instead of maintaining a professional boundary, he asked for my phone number, flirted with me, took me out alone on his motorcycle, and eventually sexually touched and kissed me. I was 13.

I didn’t understand what was happening.
I never said yes. Eventually, he told me we were already in a relationship and called himself my boyfriend, even though I never agreed to that.

The abuse continued for years. When I was 15, he pressured/forced me into sex despite me repeatedly saying I didn’t want to. He also threatened to k*ll himself whenever I tried to leave.

And here’s what I want students to understand:
I didn’t think I was being groomed.

I thought I was loved.
I thought I was special.
I thought an adult had finally noticed me.
I thought my feelings for him meant our relationship was real.

That’s exactly why grooming can be so difficult for a young person to recognize.

I’m a Psychologist living in the United States now.
I’ve gone through my own therapy and spent years learning about trauma, grooming, coercion, and abusive relationship dynamics. I understand now what I couldn’t understand at 13.

And I have something now that I didn’t have then:
A voice.

I’m using it because I know there are students reading this who may be in something similar and thinking:
“But I like him too.”
“She really understands me.”
“He treats me differently from everyone else.”
“Maybe we’re actually in love.”
“I’m mature for my age.”
“It’s our secret.”
Please stop for a second.

Someone making you feel special doesn’t automatically mean they love you. Sometimes grooming feels like love.
Sometimes it feels like attention. Sometimes it feels like being chosen. Sometimes it feels like finally having someone who understands you.

And it can happen to the loud student, the quiet student, the popular student, the “bida-bida” student, the academically focused student, or the student who desperately wants someone’s attention.

There isn’t one type of child who gets groomed.

If you’re a student and a teacher starts giving you romantic or sexual attention, don’t make yourself responsible for deciding whether it’s “real love.”

Look at the adult’s behavior.

Are they privately messaging you?
Are they asking you to keep things secret?
Are they taking you somewhere alone?
Are they flirting with you?
Are they telling you you’re “special” or “mature for your age”?
Are they becoming the person you depend on emotionally?
Are they touching you in ways that make you uncomfortable?
Are they trying to make the relationship romantic or sexual?

Those are things worth telling a trusted adult about.

And if you’re thinking:
“But I like them too.”

I understand.
I liked him too.

That doesn’t make the adult’s behavior okay.
You can have a crush on your teacher.
You can think your teacher is attractive.
You can feel special when they give you attention.
You can even believe you’re in love.

None of that makes you responsible for what an adult chooses to do.

To teachers:
If a student likes you, that isn’t an invitation.
It’s a boundary you are responsible for maintaining.

Don’t privately message them.
Don’t create secrets.
Don’t take them somewhere alone.
Don’t tell yourself they’re “mature for their age.”
Don’t convince yourself it’s okay because “they like me too.”

You are the adult.

To parents, classmates, and other students:
Please don’t only look for the child who suddenly becomes withdrawn.
Sometimes the child being groomed becomes more attached, more excited, more focused, or more defensive of the adult.
They may even look like they’re enjoying the relationship.

They may say:
“We’re just close.”
“He’s my favorite teacher.”
“She understands me.”
“You just don’t understand our relationship.”
That doesn’t automatically mean everything is okay.
And please don’t call the child “malandi.”

I know what that word feels like.

When I eventually told his wife, who was also a teacher at different public school, what had happened, she scolded me and threatened that I could go to jail.

His daughter, who was around my age, called me “malandi.”

I was treated like I had caused the situation.
But I was 13. He was 41. He was my teacher.
I was the child.

Why am I posting this now?
Because I spent years thinking I should have known better. I didn’t. I was 13.

Now I’m older. I’m a psychologist. I’ve processed what happened to me. I understand the dynamics that I couldn’t see as a child.

And I have the power to speak now.

So if you’re a student reading this, I don’t want you to leave this post thinking:
“Teachers are dangerous.”

That’s not the message.

The message is:
Learn what healthy boundaries look like.
A healthy teacher doesn’t need your secrecy.
A healthy teacher doesn’t need to turn your crush into a relationship.
A healthy teacher doesn’t sexualize you.
A healthy teacher doesn’t make you responsible for their emotions.
And a healthy teacher doesn’t make you feel like you owe them something because they gave you attention.

If something feels confusing, tell someone.

You don’t have to know whether it’s grooming.
You don’t have to know whether it’s abuse.
You don’t have to have evidence.
You don’t have to be completely certain.

You can simply say:
“Something is happening with my teacher and I don’t know if it’s okay.”

That’s enough to start a conversation.

And please remember this:
You can genuinely believe someone loves you and still be experiencing grooming.

I know because I lived it.

Please look out for each other, especially the students who are seeking attention, the students who are intensely attached to one adult, and the students who suddenly seem to have a secret world with a teacher.

They may not need someone to shame them.
They may simply need someone to say:
“Hey. You can talk to me. You’re not in trouble.”

(Hello Mar D. Dizon from Ramon Magsaysay Cubao High School)

I’m sharing this because I know there are students who are quiet, shy, afraid, or unsure whether what is happening to them is actually wrong.

When I was 13 and in Grade 8, my AP teacher was 41 years old. He was married, had children, and was a teacher in a public high school. He knew I had a crush on him. Instead of maintaining professional boundaries, he asked for my phone number, flirted with me, took me out alone on his motorcycle, and eventually began sexually touching and kissing me. I was 13. I didn’t understand what was happening. I never said yes.

He eventually told me that we were already in a relationship and called himself my boyfriend, even though I had never agreed to that. The abuse continued for years. When I was 15, he pressured/forced me into sex despite me repeatedly telling him I didn’t want to. He also threatened to kill himself whenever I tried to leave the relationship.

At the time, I didn’t understand that I was being groomed or sexually abused. I was a child. I thought an adult I trusted had chosen me.

What makes this even harder to process is what happened when I eventually tried to tell his family.
His wife was also a teacher at the same school. When I told her what her husband had done to me, instead of seeing me as a 13-year-old student who had been taken advantage of by an adult teacher, she scolded me and threatened that I could go to jail. His daughter was around my age. She hated me and called me “malandi” instead of seeing the situation as something her father, the adult, was responsible for.

I understand why a family might have complicated emotions when confronted with something like this. But what stays with me is that the responsibility was placed on the child instead of the adult who had the power and responsibility.

I was 13.
He was 41.
He was my teacher.
I was the child.
Now, more than a decade later, I understand the dynamics much more clearly.

I’m a psychologist living in the United States now. I’ve gone through my own therapy and have spent years learning about trauma, grooming, coercion, and abusive relationship dynamics.

That’s why I’m speaking about this now.

I’m not posting this simply to tell my story.

I’m posting because there may be another student sitting in a classroom right now who is experiencing something similar and doesn’t have the words for it yet.

Some students will be too embarrassed to tell their parents.
Some will think, “Maybe this is my fault.”
Some will think, “But I have a crush on him, so maybe I wanted it.”
Some will be afraid that nobody will believe them.
Some may even be called “malandi” or blamed for an adult’s behavior.
And some will simply stay quiet.
Please don’t.

Having a crush on an adult does not give that adult permission to sexualize, groom, manipulate, or exploit you. A teacher’s responsibility is to recognize the power imbalance and protect the boundary, especially when the student is a child. And to teachers reading this: if a student shows interest in you, your responsibility is not to reciprocate it. Your responsibility is to maintain the boundary and protect the student.

To students: if an adult teacher is asking for secrecy, privately messaging you, taking you places alone, flirting with you, telling you that you’re “special,” touching you, or trying to turn your relationship into something romantic or sexual, please tell someone you trust.

You don’t have to perfectly understand what is happening before you deserve help. You don’t have to call it “abuse” before you’re allowed to speak. You don’t have to be certain before someone should listen to you.
I stayed quiet for years because I didn’t have the understanding or power to speak.

I have that power now. And I’m choosing to use it not only for myself, but for students who may still be too scared to use their own voice.

If sharing what happened to me helps even one student recognize grooming earlier, speak up sooner, or understand that an adult’s behavior is never the child’s responsibility, then speaking about it is worth it.
Please look out for the quiet students, too.

Sometimes the student who looks “malandi,” or infatuated is actually a child who doesn’t yet understand that an adult is taking advantage of her.

Look at the adult’s behavior.
Ask who had the power.
And most importantly, protect the child.

Hello, I’m self-employed. I run my own mental health coaching.. I’m a mental health consultant or coach. This will be my second international trip, (last international trip was May 2024 to Malaysia)

Will be in Taiwan for 3 days.
Afam boyfriend paid for the flights and hotel, will travel with him; saan pipila this time, foreign passport or filipino passport? This time kasi my current boyfriend is white guy and obvious yung age gap hehe.. he’s mid 40s, i’m mid 20s.. (Last time with my ex (vietnamese) who’s in mid 30s nakapila ako sa foreign passport, we look like lovely couple and they let it go)

My documents:
-I have DTI
-don’t have BIR yet, still processing
- I have PayPal statements from my patients, and bank statement i can show them
-return ticket
-hotel

I’m getting frustrated and anxious, why us Filipinos need to prepare these stuff, laki ng trust issues ng IO.. anything else i need to prepare??