u/RandomUsername52326

I'm mid-40s and married for over a decade. Overall it's a good relationship, we are great partners and parents, but most friction we've had is related to our sex life.

Perhaps the saying that opposites attract is true, but my wife has sexual trauma in her past which meant that wanting to have sex is not something that came naturally to her (she would essentially do it despite not wanting to). However, over the past few years we have both been in therapy, together and individually, and she has done a ton of work to turn that around. It's not that she has a high sex drive now, but she has been open to having sex once week (which was an improvement for us) and it's good sex that she is able to be present for and enjoy. That said, if it wasn't for me, she wouldn't have sex weekly. Her internal desire for it is lower than that (and I don't believe that's uncommon for women in their 40s).

Myself, PMO has been a part of my life since I was a teenager. It has ebbed and flowed over the years. As a married man, I though it simply helped fill the gaps between when my wife was interested in sex, but have come to realize that it also helped me suppress all sorts of feelings and parts of me that I didn't want to face up to. I'm sure it also rewired my brain in many ways. Despite this, my sexual performance was good. I didn't suffer from ED or PE.

Recently, at the urging of our couples therapist, I have entered a period of complete abstinence, which brings me to this community. I am approaching Day 20 without O or any sexual activity. I have set a goal of 100 days (arbitrary, I know). Prior to this, going a week without O would be highly unusual for me. More often it would be 2-4x per week.

I find it incredibly challenging to do while living with a beautiful woman who loves me and is still open to physical touch. We are supposed to still connect via touch, but right now almost all touch is arousing for me.

Our therapist believes this will bring about great change. I have been reading books relating to P addiction and trying to open my mind. However, right now it's difficult for me to see what the endgame is. It feels like when this period is over, I will want sex again, and lots of it, and my wife will still be where she is at (which is also valid).

So I'm wondering, for married men or those in long term relationships who abstained from O and all sexual activity (even her pleasure) for a prolonged period. Was it difficult? Did it get easier over time? What helped? Did you still frequently connect with physical touch? And most importantly, did it bring about lasting change in your relationship dynamics?

Even though I will try to keep this post short and leave out a lot of details, this post will still be long. Sorry!

I'm mid-40s, male. Married for 12+ years, multiple kids. Wife and I have had marital ups and downs that revolved mostly around what I felt was mismatched sex drives. We're both in individual therapy and in couples therapy.

I have consumed porn (online) and masturbated since I was a teenager. At times, when I was younger, it was a lot. When married, it was generally to fill the gaps between sex. Of course it would fluctuate up and down depending on life stresses, etc - I would masturbate to numb feelings, emotions, stress, but also to quell my need for sex so that I didn't bring that to my wife.

Recently, our couples therapist called out this behaviour and felt that it was sexually compulsive behaviour and that I possibly had a sex addiction. I took the SDMI and had a low, but clinical score.

In a way, this finding gave me and us hope, because our marriage kept butting heads on the same conflict: me wanting to feel more desired and to have more sex with a partner who I felt was attracted to me, and her rightfully only wanting to have sex when she truly felt open to it. Maybe if I can change the way my brain has been wired from literally decades of this behaviour, then we could close the gap that we have.

So, I stopped consuming porn and masturbating (currently at about 35 days sober) and then, at the suggestion of our therapist, I've also started a period of abstinence (currently at about 15 days). Abstaining from porn and masturbation didn't feel that difficult, because I could still rely on somewhat regular (once a week or so) sex with my wife, but total abstinence has been very challenging.

I have confidence that I can do it (I have a very stubborn, high-achiever type of willpower), but at the same time, I am a wreck, emotionally. The good news is that I have decent habits in terms of regular gym time, social sport and kid activities, and I don't consume any addictive substances (no drinking, smoking, drugs)

. In my individual therapy, we use the Internal Family Systems (IFS) model and, if you're familiar with that, I have all sorts of protector, firefighter parts that have been strong and loud during this period. These parts push my wife away and plan for an exit to the relationship, in an effort to protect me (well, an inner child of me). If you're not familiar with IFS that will probably sound strange, but suffice it to say, I'm not a pleasant person to be around at the moment.

That said, I've also tried to educate myself. I listened to the "Out of the Shadows" audio book and had very mixed feelings about it. Parts of it resonated. For example. the core belief that "Sex is is my most important need" feels on the mark. I'm struggling in the absence of sex, even though I have a loving family and a lot to be grateful for. However, the other 3 core beliefs do not resonate with me. I disagree with all of them. Also, and I'm sure this is more common, but the I cannot identify with the "God" or higher power element of the twelve steps, as an atheist (who was brought up in a religious household).

After "Out of the Shadows", I listened to "The High Achiever's Guide to Sex Addiction Recovery" and i resonated significantly more. For example, that I often seek the feeling of being wanted, desired, attractive and, when I cannot seem to find those feelings in my day-to-day life, I seek to numb that void with masturbation and sexual release. This book wasn't perfect either and I'm somewhat skeptical because the other also sells a pricey retreat/support group option, but still, the messages I found within it sounded more like how I was feeling than what was in Out of the Shadows, especially since the latter talked a lot about level 2 and level 3 actions, which I've never escalated to.

Anyway, our therapist insists that I am in the thick of withdrawal at the moment, which is why I feel so terrible and also have such a negative outlook on whether this will make a difference or not. She says it WILL get better, but that I need to connect with others who are further along in recovery to understand that, and so that I don't push those feelings onto my wife.

So here I am, reaching out. I've set a goal to be completely abstinent for at least 100 days and feel confident that I can get there. I don't want to return to porn at any point, though I'm sure that will be a difficult thing to maintain, especially when sex is allowed to return.

That said, parts are flaring up in me saying that even after recovery, I will still want sex a lot, my wife will still not want to have sex that much, and we will remain incompatible in this way. In this way, they doubt the whole process and are telling me to prepare for an exit from the relationship. That the real solution to this is finding a partner who's sex drive more closely matches my own.

If that resonates with you, I want to hear from you, especially if you're further along in your recovery from your compulsive behaviour. Thank you.

I'm looking for fun places to take my kids to watch Canada's World Cup matches. Places with a fun, positive environment. We can always watch at home, but I'd love for them to experience the energy of watching the event with a group of people cheering together. I know Cineplex is showing some matches, but watching it in a dark movie theatre isn't exactly the vibe I'm going for. When I was younger, I would watch matches at Wink's, which was great, but that's probably not the best option for kids.

For the 2022 World Cup, we watched one of the matches at the BMO Centre (indoor soccer facility) in one of their large conference rooms, with a bunch of other soccer kids. That was pretty fun, but I'm not sure if they're doing something like that again. If you know of some options, please post them here.

I have been "in the market" for a new Sienna for probably about 18 months. We don't have an urgent need for it, as we have an Odyssey that runs fine, but there have been other factors that have had me reaching out to Toyota dealers inquiring about wait times and so on (and I just wasn't interested in another Odyssey with them not having not really updated it in over a decade).

Previously when I went to local dealers (in a mid-size city, where dealers have decent customer volume), I was quoted long wait times. Initially it was 18 months, later it come down to 12. More recently, it has been "8 to 12". I went to one of those a while back and did a test drive and we talked about the $500 deposit to get on to the waiting list. But don't worry, the deposit is fully and easily refundable if you change your mind. They also asked me which colours I liked and which I did not want. Anyway, it all made sense, but the urgency wasn't quite there for me yet, so I put it on the shelf.

Recently, factors changed for us and the urgency became a bit greater to the point where I thought, I better place that order. I sent some more e-mail around to dealerships about wait times, including to one that is a bit more rural, about a 1-hr drive from our city, but has a good reputation for customer service (vs the city dealerships). They quoted a 6 to 9 month wait time. I decided to go with them, mostly due to their reputation, but honestly I wasn't sure if I was wasting an hour drive there and back just to get the same treatment as I would get locally.

Now, mind you, everything I share from here is what I was told by the salesperson there, so take it all with a grain of salt. However, I was simply there to order a Sienna. I was a pretty easy sell with high intent (I had made the 1-hr drive), so I don't think he was in a position to need to do a lot convincing. Anyway, what he told me was interesting.

First, he asked me which colour we wanted (heavy metal on Limited. God, how I wish woodland green was an option in Canada). I then started telling him which other colours we'd be open to, and which colour I wouldn't want (red, ugh). He told me he didn't need to know that and I explained that others had asked for that information. He said: what we're doing today is placing an order with Toyota for your Sienna and it will be in Heavy Metal. That's when I started to realize this might be a bit different from the other dealers.

Then we talked about the deposit. It was $1,000. Not $500, and it was not refundable, unless there were extenuating circumstances. Again, I said that this was different from what the city dealership had offered. The sales guy told me that that was because they weren't going to place an order for a Sienna for me. They were going to put me on an opaque waiting list that they managed, the priority of which they will say first-come, first-served, but in reality they will apply their own judgment to, often influenced by which customers they feel will be the most profitable for them (e.g. the ones who will purchase the extras). Then, for the others on the wait list, if they get a Sienna in that somebody doesn't end up claiming or wanting, they will sell it to someone on the list, but at an inflated price because they can slap an ownership on it, package it as a "used" vehicle and thus are not bound by MSRP restrictions. Someone on the list may be willing to pay that to get their Sienna "faster".

It kind of makes sense to me that the city dealerships have only a certain number of Sienna's they get allocated, that they can't possibly meet all of the demand, so this kind of "waiting list" approach is a way to extract more value out of that demand. The rural dealer either doesn't have as much volume, so they can simply sell directly from their quota until it is exhausted, or (and I find this hard to believe, but they do have a stellar reputation around here) they are simply more honest/transparent in the way they handle this?

I'm completely open to having been fed some BS by the salesperson, but I honestly don't think they needed to fool me in any way. I was buying a new Sienna at MSRP which, in Canada, is the going price; not much room for negotiation.

I thought I'd share it here, both to maybe be given more insight from people in the know, but also to help my fellow canucks.